by Ian Doescher
“Trang Pak is but a grotsky little byotch.”
REGINA ’Tis true unto today.
GRETCHEN —“Dawn Schweitzer is
A virgin maid of massive girth, forsooth.”
REGINA ’Tis true, at least by half.
GRETCHEN —Ha, ha, such wit!
KAREN “One Amber, of the house D’Alessio,
Was wont to practice kissing on a hot dog.”
GRETCHEN And this one, simply: “Janis Ian: dyke.”
CADY [aside:] Alas, my friend is slander’d here, in ink!
Poor Janis, so abus’d. O, my heart bleeds
To think o’the teen that they have turn’d her to.
KAREN Who is that in the picture, next to her?
GRETCHEN Methinks he is a lad call’d Damian.
CADY His gaiety doth overwhelm his sense!
REGINA ’Tis humorous, indeed! Write it therein.
CADY [aside:] How quickly I betray him with these words,
Which Janis utter’d as a jest before—
Belike such speech is only suitable
When spoken by a worthy friend like Janis.
Anon I’ll tell my friends what I have seen—
This Burn Book tactless, fill’d with spirit mean.
[Exeunt.
SCENE 2
At the Old Orchard Mall.
Enter JANIS IAN.
JANIS No kind employment have I in this mall,
Where all is hormones, vanity, and greed.
I spend my day at peddling soaps and creams
With which a person may deceive themselves,
Believing thereby they attain to beauty,
Ne’er knowing beauty’s only found within.
It were an excellent job that were made
In the midway ’twixt this and prophecy:
The one’s too like an image speaking false,
The other too like children, ever tattling.
Enter CADY HERON and DAMIAN aside, browsing.
CADY Good day, my friends. Take heed: in those three women’s
Midst I have spent mine hours auxiliary.
They write within a Burn Book, where an army
Of slander gives them some esprit de corps.
JANIS What doth it say of me?
CADY —Thou’rt not within.
JANIS O wenches vile, who mock their sisters so.
[Damian approaches them.
DAMIAN This lotion, shall it minimize my pores?
JANIS Nay. [To Cady:] Caddy, thou must take the wretched book.
CADY Not on my life.
JANIS —’Twould be an act of justice!
We could the pages publish, that our school
Would know how, like an ax, she woundeth all.
CADY I do not steal, ’tis not within my nature.
JANIS [to Damian:] Thou jester, thou dost browse at cream for feet.
[To Cady:] Kind Caddy, evil calls in double voice:
There is the evil that doth evil acts,
Which is, as all do know, detestable.
The other evil, though, is eviler—
’Tis people who, though seeing evil acts,
Stand meekly by, do naught to end the wrong.
Enter MADAM NORBURY, browsing.
DAMIAN Mean’st thou I, then, am bound by obligation
That lady’s horrid garments to destroy?
Wait, now I see—’tis Madam Norbury!
JANIS How I do love to see a teacher when
She is not in the schoolhouse, by my troth—
’Tis like a dog who walketh ’pon hind legs!
NORBURY Good afternoon, I did not see ye here.
JANIS Here stand I, practicing my calling true:
To peddle moderately valued soap.
DAMIAN Are you here shopping, Madam Norbury?
NORBURY Nay, hither came I with my paramour—
The scruffy fellow yonder whom you see.
’Tis but a jest—sometimes we elders joke.
DAMIAN My nana, when inebriated, doth
Remove her false hair from atop her pate.
NORBURY Thy nana and myself have this in common.
The truth is, I do work a second job
As bartender for two nights ev’ry week,
O’er at P. J. Calamity’s nearby.
Requir’d am I to wear this button’d vest
And, each new day, more buttons to acquire—
I fetch me trifles, and return again,
As from a voyage, rich with merchandise.
JANIS [aside:] In faith, it seems she hath it worse than me.
NORBURY I hope thou shalt join Mathletes, Cady, for
We start our meetings in a fortnight’s time.
’Twould be well for the team to have a lass—
E’en thus the team could meet a lass for once.
CADY Methinks ’twould be a pleasure; I shall join.
NORBURY Magnificent! Thy presence shall be welcome.
DAMIAN ’Tis social suicide to join that team.
NORBURY My thanks, kind Damian. This scene hath been
Sufficient in its awkwardness replete.
Upon the morrow I shall see ye three.
CADY Farewell.
NORBURY —Farewell.
[Exit Madam Norbury.
JANIS —How bleak her character.
Back to the main: when shalt thou see Regina?
CADY Make not too rash a trial of me, for
I’m gentle and not fearful. Still, I may
Not spy upon her anymore; ’tis wrong.
JANIS She never shall discover what thou dost—
’Twill be a secret shar’d among we three.
CADY I’ll think upon the matter further, Janis.
[Exeunt Cady and Damian.
JANIS Perchance withal Regina I’m obsess’d—
Pray judge not until ye are thus distress’d.
[Exit Janis.
SCENE 3
At the Heron residence and North Shore High School.
Enter CADY HERON.
CADY How did it come to be, my very first
Friends, kindlier than any since my birth,
Have made me feel life’s out of my control?
This situation is a bitter pill.
The phone rings and CADY answers it. Enter REGINA GEORGE aside, on the phone.
REGINA I know thy secret. Say, is it thy will
To make a stale of me amongst these mates?
CADY [aside:] Alack! Am I so suddenly discover’d?
Shall I apologize? Begin to cry?
Nay, calm remain until thou knowest all.
[To Regina:] A secret? What is this of which thou speak’st?
REGINA Sweet Gretchen said thou likest Aaron Samuels.
Nor care I, truly—do whate’er thou will’st.
Let me speak honestly of Aaron’s traits:
He careth but for mother, school, and friends.
CADY Yet, is this bad?
REGINA —If thou lik’st him, ’tis well.
Wouldst thou have me speak to him, for thy sake?
CADY Wouldst thou be so kindhearted, e’en for me?
Thou shalt say naught embarrassing, I hope.
REGINA Nay, trust my wisdom, Cady. ’Tis a game
In which I ever hold the upper hand.
Yet ere thou goest, tell me: art thou mad
That Gretchen told me of thy fondness for him?
CADY No, never.
REGINA —An thou art, pray tell me so.
’Twas base and baseless both for her to do.
Enter GRETCHEN WIENERS above, on balcony, on the phone.
CADY ’Twas base, indeed, and yet I hold no grudge.
Belike she doth enjoy attention’s spotlight.
REGINA Thou hearest, Gretchen? Thus I said to thee:
Our Cady is not angry at thine act.
GRETCHEN Thou thinkest I enjoy attention’s spotlight?
The rudeness that appear’d in me have I<
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Learned from my entertainment at thy hands.
CADY [aside:] Regina trapp’d me in a rigid vise.
REGINA Good even, ladies. We’ll meet on the morrow.
[Exeunt Regina and Gretchen. Cady walks to school.
CADY I have endur’d a three-way calling strike,
Yet also found a diamond in the rough:
Regina’s blessing given, I may speak
To Aaron further, that we closer draw.
Enter AARON SAMUELS.
’Twas on October third he ask’d the date—
By calendar, not for a date, I mean.
’Twas two weeks later when we spake again.
AARON The rain doth fall.
CADY [aside:] —O, observation plain.
[To Aaron:] Indeed it doth, with drops both wet and falling.
[Aside:] This budding romance must progress apace,
Lest our small play extendeth many hours.
Mine instincts shall I follow—my affections
Are then most humble; I have no ambition
To see a goodlier man. [To Aaron:] Say, canst thou help?
These math equations lose me utterly.
[Aside:] I am not lost, yet shall be so for him.
AARON Indeed.
CADY [aside:] —Quite clear is Madam Norbury.
I’ve no need of his help, but for my heart.
AARON Factorial it is, so multiply
Each one by n.
CADY [aside:] —’Tis wrong. [To Aaron:] Is’t the summation?
AARON Forsooth, they are the selfsame.
CADY [aside:] —Wrong again.
The lad’s so wrong, yet so right for my love.
[To Aaron:] My thanks, ’tis clearer now that thou hast help’d.
AARON Tonight, a party for All Hallows’ Eve
Shall happen at the house of my friend Chris.
Wilt thou go thither?
CADY —Yea, with all delight.
[Aaron hands Cady a piece of paper.
AARON The address thou mayst find upon this sheet.
It is a costume ball, and many who
Attend do make the most of their attire.
CADY I understand and shall with joy attend.
AARON The sheet admitteth but one person only—
I prithee, bring no paramour withal.
CADY Grool. O! The word intended to be “cool,”
Yet mix’d with “great” before it pass’d my lips.
AARON ’Tis grool, indeed. I shall see thee tonight.
[Exit Aaron.
Enter KEVIN GNAPOOR.
KEVIN Hail, Africa. Shalt thou attend the meeting?
The Mathletes shall begin our work today,
And thou art critical to our equation.
CADY Wait thou a moment and I shall return.
[Exit Kevin.
’Twas lying, saying this to Kevin here.
Yet I must homeward to create a costume,
For Aaron said to make the most of it.
What horrid monster shall I be tonight?
Mayhap a werewolf with long fangs and snout,
And claws to make all Baskerville afraid?
Perchance I shall in green conceal my face,
Like frightful monster made by Frankenstein?
Or, peradventure, I shall be a witch,
With warts and spells to work my classmates woe!
A-ha, I know! I’ll be a zombie bride.
Such fun—I cannot wait till eventide!
[Exit Cady.
SCENE 4
At the All Hallows’ Eve party.
Enter GRETCHEN WIENERS and KAREN SMITH.
GRETCHEN I can say little more than I have studied—
This question’s out of my part: what art thou?
KAREN A mouse, of course, I bid thee see mine ears!
[Exeunt Gretchen and Karen.
Enter CADY HERON.
CADY In normal world, ’tis Halloween when the
Kids dress for candy’s sake. By feminine
Rule, lasses dress with purpose and mystique.
Enter REGINA GEORGE and LADY GEORGE above, on balcony.
LADY G. How well thou look’st, my dear! How innocent.
REGINA My bosom and my derrière are fine,
And on display to celebrate the dead!
[Exeunt Regina and Lady George.
CADY It is the one night in the year entire
When lasses are array’d most wantonly
And other girls say nothing of the fault,
For all declare ’tis nothing but a costume.
The boldest lasses dress in lingerie
And furry ears of little animals.
Yet none did tell me of th’unspoken rule
By which a lass may wear a strumpet’s outfit.
Thus, like a soul awoken from the grave,
I have arriv’d array’d beneath death’s veil.
Enter REGINA GEORGE, GRETCHEN WIENERS, KAREN SMITH, AARON SAMUELS, SETH MOSAKOWSKI, and many STUDENTS in costumes.
The ball begins and I am out of place.
I stick out like the sorest thumb of all—
As if a legion full of blacksmiths had
Ta’en out collected vengeance on a thumb.
Behold my classmates watch as women kiss,
An ’twere a spectacle for all to see.
Ah, there is Gretchen next to Karen talking—
Familiar faces shall be welcome now.
[To Gretchen and Karen:] Good even, friends!
KAREN —Why art thou so attir’d,
In clothes wherewith to scare the bravest person?
CADY It is All Hallows’ Eve and thus it suits.
GRETCHEN Hast thou seen Jason? I expect him here.
KAREN One lad I know is looking fine tonight:
Seth Mosakowski.
GRETCHEN —What, that simple fop?
KAREN The same, indeed. He kisses by the book.
GRETCHEN He is thy cousin.
KAREN —Yea, but only first.
GRETCHEN Indeed.
KAREN —There are mere cousins and first cousins,
Then second cousins and so on from there.
GRETCHEN Nay, sweet.
KAREN —This is not how a fam’ly works?
GRETCHEN ’Tis wrong in ev’ry way.
[Aaron approaches Cady.
AARON —Thou hast arriv’d,
And bringest, too, a zombie bride withal.
CADY Ex-wife to be precise.
AARON —Original.
Wilt thou a drink, which I may bring to thee?
CADY With pleasure.
AARON —On the instant I’ll return.
CADY My thanks, kind Aaron.
[Aaron walks aside. Karen waves at Seth.
GRETCHEN —Karen, cease at once.
Be not so taken in.
KAREN —O Seth, I come!
Did ever dragon keep so fair a cave?
[Karen approaches Seth. Regina approaches Aaron.
REGINA Good evening.
AARON —O, how well thou look’st tonight.
Did no one tell thee thou shouldst wear a costume?
Couldst thou not bear All Hallows’ Eve t’observe?
REGINA Asses are made to bear, and so are you.
Pray stop thy tongue: I have some news to share.
Thou knowest Cady, newly come to school?
AARON Forsooth, she seemeth sweet and passing kind.
Upon my invitation hath she come.
REGINA Be careful, for she has a crush on thee,
Each night doth pine for thee upon her pillow,
And sigheth, “Aaron, make me soon thy bride!”
AARON Indeed? How cam’st thou by this knowledge rare?
REGINA [aside:] My strategy doth fail, he is not mov’d,
Except unto a greater interest!
Therefore I’ll dig the hole e’en deeper yet.
[To Aaron:] The lass hath told me—ev’ryone, in fact.
It is naively cute, how heartily
She bareth all her feelings to the world.
She hath the wisdom of a little girl,
Who writeth on her notebook constantly,
With hearts declaring “Madam Aaron Samuels.”
She fashion’d, too, a tunic with thy face,
Which doth proclaim “My heart for Aaron e’er!”
She wears it always underneath her garments—
E’en now, I’ll wager, doth she sport the tunic.
AARON Thou art in jest.
REGINA —Yet who could blame the lass?
Thou e’er wert gorgeous to mine eyes, thou know’st.
Take heed: I do not say she stalketh thee,
Yet she did save the tissue thou didst use,
An ’twere the relic of a holy saint,
And said she would perform some Afric voodoo
With which to turn thy heart unto her own.
[Cady waves at Aaron from afar.
AARON Can this be true? Yet there, across the way,
A zombie bride—ex-wife—doth wave at me,
Portending some strange fate that may be knit.
CADY [aside:] E’en yonder doth Regina speak for me,
Her words fall gently on his waiting ears,
For see, he waveth like a lad in love.
REGINA ’Tis true the lass is socially inept
And strange beyond all natural degree,
Yet she hath been a constant friend to me.
Thus, promise thou shalt not make sport of her.
AARON ’Tis certain I shall not make sport of her.
CADY [aside:] How can kind Janis hate Regina so?
For look how she doth take my suit to him.
She is so good and decent, by my troth.
[Regina kisses Aaron.
Alack and rue the day! Thou harlot rank!
AARON What art thou playing at, Regina? Cease!
’Twas thou who ended our relationship.
REGINA Thou speakest foolishness—why would I so?
Thou art the finest lad at North Shore High.
[Regina kisses Aaron again. Exeunt all except Cady.
CADY Ne’er have I felt betrayal such as this—
O, woe the day! My heart rings in mine ears,
My stomach shall escape straight through my bowels.
The lump that rises in my gorge is like
A bulky pill one swallows sans a drink.
Regina George, how I despise thee so—
My hate for thee doth only grow and grow!
[Exit Cady.
SCENE 5
At the Ian residence, and in the next days and weeks at North Shore High School.
Enter JANIS IAN and DAMIAN, watching a horror film.