by Ian Doescher
JANIS A friend to watch a scary movie with,
Whilst all around us people celebrate
All Hallows’ Eve with fear and horrid masks—
The perfect night, as Damian and I
Sit here as merry as the day is long.
Enter CADY HERON.
DAMIAN Alas, the zombie from the film doth live!
CADY Regina hath ta’en Aaron back e’en now—
Then show’d what perfect kisses they have form’d!
JANIS Poor Caddy!
CADY —Wherefore would she take him back?
JANIS The lady is a ruiner of lives—
’Tis what she doth, a calling she doth follow.
DAMIAN When we were but thirteen, she forc’d our class
To sign a false petition to declare
That our fair Janis was none other than—
JANIS Nay, Damian! Speak not. The vixen shall
Forbidden be to ply her villainy!
Is she not proven in the height a villain,
That slander’d, scorn’d, dishonor’d my kinswoman?
We must take action.
CADY —Must we?
JANIS —Follow on.
Regina George: an evil dictator.
How doth a state o’erthrow such tyranny?
Cut off her plentiful resources, yea.
Regina would be naught without her men:
Each one high status, handsome in the height,
We shall her Aaron welcome to our side.
Her body—technic’ly, a perfect thing—
Shall soon become a liability.
Her band of loyal, skanky followers
Anon shall turn to fervent enemies.
Good Caddy, if thou wouldst this future see,
Thou must approach them in the guise of friendship,
Like nothing were awry ’twixt her and thee.
Canst thou accomplish this? Art strong enow?
CADY I shall, to take my justified revenge.
JANIS Let us, then, turn the hag’s world upside down.
[Exeunt.
The following day. Enter CADY HERON, in the hallway of North Shore High School.
CADY Pretending naught is wrong shall simple be,
For no one doth enjoy continued conflict.
Enter GRETCHEN WIENERS.
GRETCHEN Kind Cady, it is well to find thee here.
Regina ask’d me to convey to thee
That she attempted to connect ye two—
E’en Aaron and thyself—yet his sole aim
Was with Regina to be reconcil’d.
’Tis no fault of Regina’s, thou canst see.
CADY Of course not, nay.
GRETCHEN —Thou, then, dost hold no grudge?
CADY By heaven, no.
GRETCHEN —Hurrah for friendship’s glow!
Regina ask’d me to deliver this.
[Gretchen embraces Cady. Exit Gretchen.
Enter REGINA GEORGE, sipping a drink, and AARON SAMUELS, aside.
REGINA My weight shall be improvèd by this plan:
The South Beach Fat Flush, wherein I shall drink
The juice of cranberries for three whole days.
AARON Thou drinkest not the juice of cranberries:
’Tis cocktail cranberry, near wholly sugar.
REGINA But three pounds more to lose, and I may rest.
AARON Thou art absurd.
[Regina sees Cady.
REGINA [to Aaron:] —Thy hair, why is it so?
Yet push it back and thou, like Samson, shall
Have hair to tempt Delilahs ev’rywhere.
Ah, Cady, canst thou tell sweet Aaron dear
His hair is sexier when ’tis push’d back?
CADY [aside:] O, how she dangleth him before mine eyes,
As if he were a morsel, I a dog.
If ’twere the world of animals I knew,
I’d jump at her and knock her from her seat,
Whilst baring claws and teeth to work her woe.
The other animals would then surround
Us, yelling fervently as we did rage.
How do I long to bring such anger forth,
Yet cannot, for the sake of decency—
’Tis Girl World, not the world of animals;
In Girl World every fight must be conceal’d.
[To Aaron:] Thy hair doth sexy look when ’tis push’d back.
AARON Betwixt these two, a lad could be too lov’d.
[Exit Aaron.
REGINA The juice of cranberries my skin doth blemish!
CADY I have a skin cream that may help thy plight.
[Aside:] I have secur’d foot cream from Janis’ shop,
To give it to Regina for her face.
Whenever opportunity ariseth,
We shall ply sabotage to make her squirm.
[Cady hands Regina the foot cream.
[To Regina:] This is for thee, to help thy visage glow.
Enter AARON SAMUELS.
AARON I have return’d to thee again, small chuck.
[He kisses Regina on the cheek.
Thy face doth smell of sweetest peppermint!
CADY [aside:] Alas, ’twas not the scent I did intend!
[Exeunt Regina and Aaron together. Exit Cady severally.
Enter JANIS IAN.
JANIS Impeccable revenge must tailor’d be
Unto the villain who hath done the wrong,
And thus I’ve taken liberties with scissors,
Amending horrible Regina’s tunic—
Two holes I’ve open’d where her breasts would go,
To make her foolish to the multitudes.
[Janis hides.
Enter REGINA GEORGE with holes in her tunic.
REGINA Though this is not the fashion, I shall wear’t,
Head lifted high, for all the world to see.
Whilst confidently I do strut the halls,
Whoever plied this silly trick on me
Shall find themselves upset by their own trick.
And I, the meanwhile, shall not rest nor sleep,
Till I can find occasion of revenge.
Enter other FEMALE STUDENTS, including LEA EDWARDS, dressed similarly with holes in their clothes. Some students sell candy canes.
JANIS [aside:] What universe illogical is this?
Hath vile Regina so convinc’d the minds
Of these, my fellow students, that they follow
Her ev’ry movement an ’twere holy writ?
Is there no sense remaining at this school?
This shall not stop my pains, but urge them on:
Is’t possible disdain should die while she
Hath such meet food to feed it as Regina?
[Exit Regina.
Enter CADY HERON and DAMIAN, aside.
A month entire our efforts we have plied,
With little of success, except that we
Did make Regina’s face smell like a foot.
DAMIAN My time hath all been spent in choral practice.
JANIS Belike our current aim is misapplied—
We’ll turn to Gretchen Wieners, make her crack,
Attack Regina from her closest flank.
If we can crack the lock that Gretchen holds,
We’ll find the key unto Regina’s past,
Which, opening, shall soon reveal a pit
Of filth and muck.
DAMIAN —Speak “crack” once more.
JANIS —Crack,
crack!
We’ll reconvene this evening.
CADY —I cannot.
Regina doth expect me at rehearsal—
The talent show is drawing ever nearer.
We’re dancing to a song—
BOTH —’Tis “Jingle Bell Rock.”
CADY Ye both the song know? What coincidence!
JANIS All in the English-speaking world do know’t.
DAMIAN ’Tis, ev’ry year, the dance they do perform,
Like clockwork
programm’d by the yuletide moon.
CADY This year, ’tis mine to learn. Behold, my friends—
Regina hither comes, pray get ye gone.
[Exeunt Janis and Damian.
Enter REGINA GEORGE.
REGINA Didst thou just conversate with Janis Ian?
CADY Surprising ’twas to me as well, for she
Is strange past speaking. By my modesty,
The jewel in my dow’r, I would not wish
Any companion in the world but thee.
She did approach and spake to me of crack!
REGINA The word “pathetic” was design’d for her.
Of Janis Ian I shall tell thee this:
In middle school we two were best of friends—
’Tis shocking, yea? Embarrassing as well!
Yet in eighth grade, I found a paramour—
A lad most fair, my first in love’s embrace,
His name was Kyle, who mov’d to Indiana.
The point is that odd Janis turn’d a shade
Of green that mark’d her jealousy of him.
If e’er I did refuse to meet with her
When I would rather spend my time with Kyle,
She angrily stood ’fore me to demand,
“Say wherefore thou didst not return my call!”
I would rejoinder, “Wherefore art thou so?
Why so obsess’d by how I spend my time?”
When next my birthday party did arrive,
A party just for lasses, by the pool,
I told her, “Janis, thou art not invited.
It seems thine appetite doth turn to ladies—
To put it plain: thou art a lesbian.”
No lesbian could to my party come,
Not with so many lasses clad in swimwear!
How she would ogle them with shameless eyes!
Her mother call’d my mother to complain,
Full yelling at her—’twas beyond the pale.
Then Janis, sadly, left the school, for ne’er
Would any lass speak further unto her.
When she return’d to high school in the fall,
Her hair was chopp’d and strange had she become—
Too like a witch, and with the spells to match.
By thine account, she now hath ta’en to crack.
[To Lea:] By all that is divine, thy lovely skirt—
A stunning, fashionable garment ’tis!
How didst thou come by such a lovely thing?
CADY [aside:] Regina’s words, they echo in mine ears!
She once with these same words did praise my bracelet.
LEA ’Twas once my mother’s, in the nineteen eighties.
REGINA A vintage piece—adorable it is!
[Exit Lea.
[To Cady:] The skirt is uglier than hell’s own heart.
CADY [aside:] A two-fac’d lady, wicked through and through.
[To Regina:] Shalt thou send candy canes unto thy friends?
REGINA I do not send them, nay, I just receive.
Thou must send me one, too, thou silly wench.
Take care until I see thee next, sweet friend.
[Exit Regina.
CADY O, I shall send her canes, with limps to match.
Three candy canes shall crack one Gretchen Wieners.
[Cady approaches the candy cane sellers.
I prithee, three delicious candy canes,
Wherewith I may spread joy, good will, and cheer.
[Cady enters English class and sits with other students. Exeunt some students.
Enter ENGLISH TEACHER, GRETCHEN WIENERS, and other STUDENTS.
ENGLISH We shall begin today with Julius Caesar:
“Why, man, he doth bestride the narrow world
Like a Colossus”—this doth translate to,
“Why is he passing vain and so obnoxious?”
Enter DAMIAN, dressed like Santa Claus.
DAMIAN Ho ho ho! Candygrams for all and each!
ENGLISH Be swift, I bid thee, learning is afoot.
DAMIAN Behold, I’ve two for Taylor Zimmerman.
Glenn Cocco, four for thee! Thou art well lik’d!
And Caddy Heron, is she in this class?
CADY ’Tis Cady.
DAMIAN —Cady, one for thee have I,
And none for Gretchen Wieners, verily.
GRETCHEN Methought I should receive one if thou didst—
Who is it from?
CADY [reading:] —“Mine utmost thanks that thou
Art such a dear friend unto me. Regina.”
’Tis sweet of her to think of me so kindly.
ENGLISH Now back to Caesar and his fall from grace.
CADY [aside:] I’ll warrant, now that Gretchen doth believe
Regina’s ire is focus’d onto her,
The secrets shall pour forth as water from
An ocean fill’d with tears. Now must I wait:
The board is set, the pieces are arrang’d,
And Gretchen is the knight unto my queen.
The perfect secret shall she share anon,
And when she doth, Regina is my pawn.
[Exeunt.
SCENE 1
The North Shore High School talent show.
Enter STUDENTS as audience, including JASON in the front row and AARON SAMUELS. Enter PARENTS as audience also, including SIR HERON, LADY HERON, and LADY GEORGE. Enter SIR DUVALL on the stage.
DUVALL Good evening, friends. You are most welcome to
The North Shore High School winter talent show!
Will ye break forth in thunderous applause,
That our performers, who do wait offstage,
May know you bring your uttermost support?
[The audience applauds and cheers.
Cease now, ere senseless rioting erupts.
Our first act for our wondrous talent show
Doth call himself a star of rising height.
I prithee, clap your hands for Damian.
Enter DAMIAN on the stage.
DAMIAN [sings:] Each day with thee is wonderful,
Each hour joy springs anew,
Each moment feeleth bountiful
When thou dost love me, too.
Enter CADY HERON, GRETCHEN WIENERS, and KAREN SMITH above, on balcony, preparing for their act.
GRETCHEN O, wherefore would Regina send her canes
To ye two lasses, but not me as well?
KAREN Perchance she hath forgotten thou exist’st.
CADY Her acts of late no court would legalize—
It seems to some great oddness she gives birth.
Is something, mayhap, out of her control?
GRETCHEN She told me, recently, her parents two
No longer share a bed in their own house—
Perchance ’tis such as this that thou dost mean.
By Jove, I bid thee tell her not my words,
For like a squirrel trapp’d within a box
They fled my mouth as quick as legs could run.
JASON [to Damian:] Thou art a fop—I bite my thumb at thee!
DAMIAN [sings:] My beauty’s inexpressible,
No word shall bring me down.
Were thy love inaccessible,
’Twould shame my kingly crown.
[The audience claps. Exit Damian.
GRETCHEN Good Cady, no offense to thee I aim,
Yet wherefore would she send thee candy canes?
She doth not even like thee much. Alas—
I call in question the continuance
Of her great love. Mayhap she feeleth weird
While in my presence, for ’tis only I
Who knows the truth of how she chang’d her nose
By prowess of physician talented.
Once more these words rush forth, escape my lips,
Like chickens running from the butcher’s block.
[Exeunt Cady, Gretchen, and Karen.
Enter KEVIN GNAPOOR and his FRIENDS on stage as the next act.
; KEVIN [reciting:] Unlock thine ear, each horrible MC—
There’s naught at which thou greater art than me,
From grades I earn to my keen poetry,
No one may lay a hand on Kevin G.
A Mathlete I, so yea, nerd is inferr’d,
Yet still thou must forget all thou hast heard—
Forsooth, I am like Sir James Bond the Third,
This Kevin likes it shaken—never stirr’d.
The G is mute when I sneak in thy door,
And satisfy thy wench upon the floor,
Thou shalt be sure ’tis I she doth adore
When she doth cry, “More, more, Kevin Gnapoor!”
DUVALL My thanks, good Kevin—now thine act is o’er.
Thou hast our ears assaulted long enow.
KEVIN A happy holiday to ev’ryone.
We hope ye did enjoy our number—ha!
[The audience claps. Exeunt Kevin and his friends.
DUVALL This act was K. G. and the pow’r of three.
It may be said: ’twas something to behold.
Enter CADY HERON, REGINA GEORGE, GRETCHEN WIENERS, and KAREN SMITH on the stage, lining up in preparation for their act. Enter JANIS IAN and DAMIAN above, on balcony, watching.
DAMIAN Doth it bring any anger to thy soul,
That still they use thy choreography?
JANIS Nay, stop at once—I am not bother’d by’t;
My heart keeps on the windy side of care.
Enter KEVIN GNAPOOR behind them, on balcony.
KEVIN As I do breathe, thou art a lovely lass,
And prime among the others at our school.
JANIS Why starest thou?
KEVIN —I happily would see
Thee on the stage instead of these four lasses,
To sway and swing and swerve with symmetry.
[Exit Kevin.
DAMIAN A passing forward fellow, by my troth!
[Exeunt Janis and Damian.
REGINA Before our act beginneth, Gretchen, hear:
Thou must switch sides with Cady in a trice.
GRETCHEN Yet I am wont to stand upon thy left,
And ever have been lo these many years.
REGINA When we were three, then such was sensible,
Yet now, as four, the tallest take the center.
GRETCHEN The dance entire shall backward be to me.
See? I am wont to stand upon thy left!
REGINA Thou show’st a tender sisterly regard,
To wish me dance with one half lunatic;
At present, thou art on my final nerve.
I shall not say’t again: switch thou anon.
[Cady and Gretchen exchange places.
DUVALL Our final act! Pray, welcome to the stage