by Ian Doescher
A person who could help me understand
The perfect combination of two souls—
Er, numbers, plainly I did mean to say.
AARON Most gladly would I tutor thee, if thou
Dost wish to have some discourse after class.
CADY What dost thou think Regina shall bethink?
AARON How could she, when you two are such close friends?
Or, peradventure, we shall keep it hidden.
A secret’s only secret when ’tis shar’d.
[The bell rings. Exeunt Madam Norbury, Kevin, and all students except Cady and Aaron. They sit next to each other.
CADY Let us begin e’en now. This problem here—
How didst thou solve it? It confuseth me.
AARON When first I did discover its solution,
’Twas plain to me the answer’s zero.
CADY [aside:] —Wrong.
How can he be so terrible at math?
’Tis like a ghoul that haunts him day and night.
If the ill spirit have so fair a house,
Good things will strive to dwell with it, I’ll warrant.
AARON When I did check my calculation, though,
More clearly did the answer come: ’tis one.
CADY [aside:] A-ha! He did it, with sufficient time.
[To Aaron:] Hurrah! My answer came to one as well.
And, by the by, our one plus one make two.
AARON Perforce an answer must be deftly check’d,
For often may it happen that the product
Of integers, which both are negative,
Becometh positive when multiplied.
CADY Like negative of four and six combin’d,
Which turneth positive, to twenty-four.
AARON ’Tis right, thou hast it right. I knew thou couldst.
CADY Thou tutorest with skill and patience both.
[They kiss.
AARON Though this feels wondrous, ’tis not kind of us.
We must not do it, for Regina’s sake—
’Tis most dishonest, to betray her thus.
CADY Why dost thou like her? What excuse canst make?
AARON The lady’s often callous, verily—
CADY Then wherefore dost thou like her?
AARON —Why dost thou?
Ask me not wherefore she is friend to me,
When thou alike dost nearly to her bow.
CADY I do not—
AARON —Good and evil dwell inside
The multitudes, not just Regina George.
She is more frank, her nature doth not hide.
CADY [aside:] I cannot stop the rising in my gorge—
The vomit of my words he shall incur!
[To Aaron:] She cheateth on thee, Aaron! Canst thou see?
The habit is quotidian for her.
AARON What? Pray, depart, I’d no more speak with thee.
[Exit Cady.
Can this be true? Regina turn’d unfaithful?
Yet even as I ask I know ’tis true,
For certainly Regina is a turncoat
Who speaketh falsely unto all she meets.
And Cady’s honest as the sun is gold,
And shineth like that heav’nly body, too.
She likely speaks the truth, though spitefully
The sentence from her baffl’d mouth escap’d.
Shall I ignore these truthful words of hers
Because she spake them with a jealous heart?
Nay, Aaron—thou art to destin’d to accept
That thy Regina hath hurt thee again.
Break my heart once, then all the shame’s on thee—
Break my heart twice, the shame doth fall on me.
[Exit Aaron.
SCENE 4
At the George residence, North Shore High School, and clothing store.
Enter REGINA GEORGE, crying, with CADY HERON, GRETCHEN WIENERS, and KAREN SMITH.
KAREN Did Aaron tell thee wherefore he decided
That thou and he no longer should be one?
REGINA Somebody told him of Shane Oman.
GRETCHEN —Who?
[Aside:] Doth she suspect me, since I knew the truth?
REGINA He said ’twas someone on the baseball team—
Those scoundrels who do hope to round the bases
And dream incessantly of their next score.
I gave him ev’rything I had, in sooth—
Half virginal I was when first we met.
KAREN No more of sadness and these gloomy thoughts!
Let us make merry and create some sport—
Belike a trip to Taco Bell would suit?
REGINA Art mad? I cannot go to Taco Bell,
Not on this carbohydrate-heavy diet!
Thou art so foolish, Karen, by my troth!
[Regina begins to leave.
GRETCHEN Regina, wait. I prithee, speak to me!
REGINA No one doth understand my spirit’s plight.
GRETCHEN I do, and shall assist to make it right!
[Exeunt Regina and Gretchen.
CADY Thou art not foolish, Karen. ’Tis but our
Concern—though she insult our minds and bodies—
As her dear comrades not to shield ourselves.
KAREN Nay, I am foolish. Foolish is most apt—
There is no end, no limit, measure, bound,
In that word’s truth; no words can that depth sound.
I am on course to fail most ev’ry class.
CADY There’s no one who doth fail at ev’rything;
There must be aught at which thou expert art.
KAREN My fist entire doth fit within my mouth,
An ’twere circumf’rence of the world entire.
Wouldst thou bear witness to the awesome feat?
[Karen begins putting her fist in her mouth.
CADY Nay, I am well, though ne’er I see the sight.
What other skills and talents canst thou boast?
KAREN An thou can keep the confidence, hear on:
I am most nearly psychic, Cady, yea—
A fifth sense I possess.
CADY —What dost thou mean?
KAREN ’Tis almost like I have ESPN.
My breasts are like a twin prognosticatrix—
Protruding like a pair of weather vanes—
And can predict when clouds shall form above
To drop sweet rain upon the earth below.
CADY Indeed? ’Tis most amazing, Karen, truly.
KAREN Perchance I should say, more precisely, this:
They recognize when it is raining.
CADY —O.
I know not what to say, in light of this
Most flabbergasting power that thou hast.
KAREN Another time, I may yet show it thee.
[Exit Karen.
CADY It must admitted be, I have been sad—
Nay, utterly and greatly horrified—
That Aaron hath not yet ask’d me to be
His paramour, though he doth know the truth
About Regina’s rank, unjust deceit.
He must be sad, of this I have no doubt,
Yet wherefore should he mourn for her so long?
Regina, ye will see, hath mov’d along.
[Exit Cady.
Enter REGINA GEORGE and SHAME OMAN above, on balcony, kissing. Enter LADY GEORGE on balcony, aside.
LADY G. Have ye two need of aught I can provide?
Mayhap a snack to strengthen weary lips?
Perhaps a condom to prevent an heir?
Speak up if I may offer some assistance.
[Aside:] O, how they call to mind my younger self—
Carefree and innocent as wholesome lambs.
[Exeunt Regina, Shane, and Lady George.
Enter CADY HERON.
CADY Regardless, what we plan proceeds apace.
Sweet Aaron hath dismiss’d Regina George
And, unsuspectingly, she doth ingest
Five thousand ca
lories each passing day.
Attention, now, must turn unto her horde—
The army she commandeth, form’d of skanks.
Enter TEACHER above, on balcony. Enter JANIS IAN, DAMIAN, REGINA GEORGE, GRETCHEN WIENERS, and other STUDENTS, joining CADY in class.
TEACHER The nominees for queen of Fling of Spring:
Regina George and Gretchen Wieners, both,
Then Janis Ian—
REGINA [aside:] —What is happening?
Hath all the world gone senseless in a trice?
DAMIAN [to Janis:] Ha! Thou art chosen by my trickery—
’Tis well that I did man the ballot box.
I could not help myself, ’twas eas’ly done!
TEACHER The final nominee is Cady Heron.
[Exit teacher.
CADY O, Damian, what ruses hast thou plied?
’Twas not within our plan for me to garner
A vote to be the queen of Fling of Spring.
DAMIAN ’Twas not my work, I tell thee honestly.
CADY The nomination hath been justly won?
JANIS [to Damian:] Look how she smiles, much like a
blushing bride.
[Exeunt all but Cady.
CADY More time did pass as Fling of Spring approach’d.
In January, thin Regina did
Place holds upon a gown for the event,
At an exclusive store nam’d One-Three-Five.
Because she is a Plastic, she requir’d
Advice from all the rest of us, her friends,
Ere she could purchase it as she desir’d.
Enter REGINA GEORGE, in a tight dress, with GRETCHEN WIENERS, KAREN SMITH, and a SALESPERSON.
REGINA Pray, someone zip the zipper on the gown,
Then zip your mouths as ye do gape and judge.
[Karen tries to zip Regina’s dress.
KAREN It shall not close—the garment is too tight.
REGINA It is a five, already large enow!
GRETCHEN ’Tis, peradventure, mark’d with errant size.
REGINA Say, Cady, how this end hath come to pass?
The only morsels that do cross my lips
Are Kälteen bars, which thou hast given me.
They do not work.
CADY —They do! Yet ’tis a process—
What thou experienc’st is part of it.
This is thy water weight that fills the gown—
Thou shalt bloat first, then drop a stone entire.
The Kälteen bars have burn’d thy nasty carbs,
Resulting in a body run by water.
When ev’ry drop of water in thee flees,
Thou shalt be naught but muscle, mark my words.
’Tis all explain’d upon the Swedish label.
REGINA Thou speakest Swedish? This I did not know.
CADY ’Tis plain—for ev’ryone from Afric come
Is fluent in the way of Swedish words.
KAREN [to salesperson:] I bid thee, madam, hast this one size up?
Another gown that better suits my friend?
SALESP. Apologies, for we are limited—
We carry sizes one and three and five;
This is a store for slender women only.
Mayhap thou shouldst try Sears, along the road—
Its softer side may suit thy softer sides.
REGINA Fie, fie! I’ll not endure this treatment vile.
[Exeunt Cady, Regina, Gretchen, and Karen.
SALESP. From women’s eyes this doctrine I derive:
They sparkle still the right Promethean fire;
They are the books, the arts, the academes,
That show, contain, and nourish all the world:
Else none at all in ought proves excellent.
Alas, when women’s eyes look on themselves,
They either see a haggard, ugly hag,
When they should see true beauty in their face,
Or else, like this young lass, they too much value
The figure that shall one day be disfigur’d,
Which vanisheth an ’twere the morning new.
How I do love to make a woman doubt
The body over which she is devout.
[Exit salesperson.
SCENE 5
At North Shore High School over several days the following week.
Enter CADY HERON and MADAM NORBURY.
NORBURY Ah, Cady, I had hop’d to speak with thee.
[Madam Norbury holds out a sheet of paper.
Thy parents must their marks make hereunto,
Acknowledging, by signature, that they
Accept and are aware that thou are failing.
CADY What, failing? I am like a helpless roe,
Caught in a net and trapp’d while standing versus
A river over which I cannot wade!
NORBURY The circumstance is not sans irony:
When thou dost take examinations, Cady,
The work is admirable and correct—
Thou solvest ev’ry problem perfectly—
Yet somehow all thine answers, still, are problems.
CADY Indeed?
NORBURY —Indeed. I know a paramour
Doth seem as if ’tis urgent in th’extreme.
Yet if thou learnest aught from me, learn this:
Thou shouldst not hide thy vast intelligence
To win some lad or make him think thee winsome.
CADY [aside:] A teacher speaking so? How would she know?
NORBURY I’ll warrant thou dost wonder how would I know—
In love unlucky, recently divorc’d,
And poor from being recently divorc’d.
The only man who calleth on me now
Is randy Randy ringing from Chase Visa!
Dost thou know wherefore this hath come to be?
Forsooth: I am a pusher; I push people.
My husband, first, to law school did I push—
’Twas nothing but a bust of busted hopes—
At three careers I push’d myself to work,
And this same progeny of evils comes
From our debate, from our dissension, too;
We are their parents and original.
Yet I shall push once more, though I should learn
The honey’d flavor of humility,
The essence sweet of one who pusheth not.
’Tis thou whom I shall push, good Cady, thou—
Because I know thou smarter art than this.
CADY Your speech hath honor’d me and mov’d me, too—
My thanks to you, kind Madam Norbury.
If extra credit I may somehow earn,
Pray tell me and it shall be done anon.
NORBURY Indeed I shall, thou hast my solemn word.
[Exit Madam Norbury.
Enter REGINA GEORGE, GRETCHEN WIENERS, and KAREN SMITH.
REGINA What words had Madam Norbury for thee?
For we did watch thee speak to her at length.
CADY I do despise the woman utterly!
She plans to grade me low, whate’er I do,
Because I did not join her Mathlete crew.
The lady was quite queer in the exchange—
“I am a pusher, Cady,” she did say,
“I am a pusher utterly.”
REGINA —Ha, ha!
KAREN What doth it mean, that she a pusher is?
GRETCHEN Perhaps like one who pusheth drugs? Is’t so?
CADY Belike ’tis, Gretchen. Yea, most probably,
For she declar’d she worketh at three jobs.
’Tis probable she selleth drugs to students
To supplement her meager teaching wages
And pay for her pathetic, sad divorce.
[Gretchen pulls out the Burn Book.
GRETCHEN Thine ev’ry thought and feeling thou canst write—
Put it inside the book and free thy soul.
[Cady takes the book and begins to write in it.
CADY [aside:] It seemeth I becom
e a heartless hag,
Yet ’tis an act—a role I play—no more,
’Tis merely pretense of a heartless hag.
Although I write herein, pray, judge me not.
[To the others:] My thanks, kind friends. Farewell,
until the next.
[Gretchen takes the book. Exeunt Regina, Gretchen, and Karen.
Enter JANIS IAN and DAMIAN.
JANIS Holla, kind Caddy. I have search’d for thee.
Last night I call’d on thee; thou answer’d not.
Say wherefore didst thou not return the call?
CADY Too busy was I, past all thought or measure.
JANIS As sure as I have a thought or a soul,
Methought thou wouldst respond when I did call.
No matter, though. Wilt thou require a ride
Unto my art show when the weekend comes?
CADY Alas, my time is to my parents sworn,
With whom I must to Madison be ta’en.
Apologies—I long’d to see thy show.
JANIS [aside:] The quick excuse rings hollow and unkind—
’Twould have been gentler simply to refuse.
DAMIAN What of tonight? Wilt watch a film withal?
CADY Nay, not this even. Major sabotage
Of Plastics shall I undertake tonight.
JANIS How canst thou ply this sabotage sans us?
Are we not thy companions in the cause?
Wilt thou desert thy friends so utterly?
We had, tonight, plann’d nothing in our schemes.
CADY Here I fly solo, like a pilot rogue—
This plan is mine and shall be mine alone.
[The bell rings.
Farewell. Go with my heartfelt love, kind friends.
[Exit Cady, blowing a kiss.
DAMIAN Am I deceiv’d or doth this strange goodbye
Reek utterly of rank Regina’s scent?
Hath Cady’s fake plasticity turn’d real?
Is she condemn’d to be the Plastics’ next?
JANIS Whate’er this doth portend, all is not well.
Shall we two lose a friend so newly won?
[Exeunt Janis and Damian.
Enter CADY HERON above, on balcony, on the phone. Enter REGINA GEORGE below, talking to her. Enter GRETCHEN WIENERS, hidden, listening on the phone.
CADY Regina, thou shalt hear what did befall:
Our Gretchen doth believe thou art upset
Because she hath been nominated for
The queen of Fling of Spring, which else is thine.
REGINA Me, angry, Cady? Nay, it ne’er could be—
Concern’d am I for her well-being only.
Methinks her nomination is a jest,
Some ruthless trick plied by a jealous fiend.
When no one votes for her it would be best