by Ian Doescher
Put finger in the eye, an she knew why.
She shalt melt down and reckless shall become.
Who, then, shall care for her? It shall be I—
Employment in this field appealeth not.
CADY Thou dost not think she’ll garner e’en one vote?
REGINA The truth is, Cady: Gretchen is not fair.
Why, then, should any vote for her as queen?
The truth e’er has the frightful, clanging sound
Of cymbals harshly beat by toddler hands—
Yet truth will out, however loud the noise.
The queen of Fling of Spring is ever gorgeous;
’Twill not be Gretchen for that very reason.
If there were any justice at our school,
Perchance sweet Karen would the honor earn.
Yet no one e’er has Karen on their minds,
For she is wanton as the grass is green.
Now, I have kept thee long enow, indeed,
And must to bed, to take my beauty sleep.
[Exit Regina, hanging up.
CADY Come forward, Gretchen, thou hast heard the whole:
She is not mad at thee, if ’tis some comfort.
GRETCHEN Hold briefly.
CADY —Art thou well?
GRETCHEN —Pray, Cady, soft!
[Gretchen calls Karen.
Enter KAREN SMITH, on the phone.
KAREN Although I was inspecting my backside,
As is my wont when eventide doth come,
The ringing phone hath call’d to me. [Into phone:]
Hello?
GRETCHEN If someone spake ill words about thee, Karen,
Thou wouldst insist that I tell thee. ’Tis true?
KAREN Nay.
GRETCHEN —Even if the someone were thy friend?
Or else, a person who did act as such?
KAREN What art thou asking? O, the other line
Doth ring—I bid thee wait, whilst I make answer.
[Karen switches to another line.
GRETCHEN [to Cady:] I shall not take this anymore!
CADY —Good, Gretch!
I’d see thee whole, no more abusèd so.
KAREN Holla?
Enter REGINA GEORGE, on the phone with KAREN.
REGINA —Let us make merry with the night.
If thou shalt go along, we two shall frolic.
KAREN We shall! Yet Gretchen holds upon the line.
REGINA Invite her not; the lass doth drive me mad.
KAREN Hold, then.
REGINA —Make haste!
KAREN [to Gretchen:] —Regina ’tis who call’d.
She would the town paint red with me tonight,
And did instruct me not to tell thee so.
GRETCHEN An thou dost love me, go thou not withal.
KAREN Yet wherefore?
GRETCHEN —Thou wouldst not the answer hear.
KAREN O, tell me, then! But hold thou first, I pray.
[Karen tries to address Regina but speaks to Gretchen.
By God, the lady doth annoy me so.
GRETCHEN Who doth?
KAREN —Who is this?
GRETCHEN —Gretchen, as thou know’st.
KAREN Of course, as I do know. Pray, hold the line.
[To Regina:] By God, the lady doth annoy me so.
REGINA How well I know the truth of these thy words.
Release her now, that we may fly anon.
KAREN [to Gretchen:] What is it thou wouldst tell me,
Gretchen? Speak.
GRETCHEN Regina said that no one liketh thee
Because thou art a shameless, wanton whore.
KAREN These were her words?
GRETCHEN —Thou heard’st it not from me.
CADY ’Twas harshly spoken, Gretchen.
GRETCHEN —By my troth,
She hath the right to know what hath been said.
It is deserv’d; Regina’s only gift
Is to devise impossible, harsh slanders,
And none but libertines delight in her.
[Exeunt Cady and Gretchen.
KAREN Alas, Regina, I cannot go out.
Cough, cough—I am unwell, as thou canst hear.
REGINA Boo, whore.
[Exit Regina.
KAREN —The words fall from the horse’s mouth!
What devil art that dost torment me thus?
This torture should be roar’d in dismal hell.
Though I am not intelligent, I’d not
Receive such scorn. I may not be a smart lass,
But I know what love is. It is not this.
[Exit Karen.
Enter CADY HERON in the school cafeteria the next day.
CADY The revelations that came yesternight
Shall surely shape our conversation when
Our group doth share our luncheon presently.
Enter REGINA GEORGE, sitting with CADY. Enter GRETCHEN WIENERS and KAREN SMITH severally. Enter other STUDENTS.
GRETCHEN Regina, we would speak with thee at once.
REGINA [to Cady:] Is butter such as may be call’d a carb?
CADY Indeed. [Aside:] Eat thou each stick upon the earth.
GRETCHEN Regina, thou in sweatpants art array’d!
’Tis Monday.
REGINA —And?
KAREN —Thou hast transgress’d our rules,
And art not welcome to be seated here.
REGINA Whate’er! The rules ye broadcast are not real,
But are like morning fog that dissipates
When light of day doth break upon the ether.
KAREN Thou call’d them true when I did wear a vest.
REGINA A vest that was disgusting to mine eyes.
GRETCHEN [yelling:] Thou mayst not, shalt not, canst not sit withal!
REGINA These sweatpants are the only garments that
Will fit the fuller body I have bred.
[Aside:] Humiliating revelation this!
Yet still they are not mov’d to show compassion.
[To all:] I shall depart, an ye shall have it so.
Walk home, you wenches—I shall drive thee not.
[Regina stands to walk away and bumps into Student 8.
STUD. 8 Watch where thou goest, oafish lump of fat.
[All laugh. Exit Regina in dismay.
GRETCHEN [to Cady:] What shall we do this weekend?
KAREN —Tell us, what?
CADY Alas, my time is to my parents sworn,
With whom I must to Madison be ta’en.
GRETCHEN What? Do not leave us! We are lost sans thee.
CADY They purchas’d tickets to some grand event.
KAREN What, Cady? Shalt thou leave us all alone—
The sole remaining prop of our young age?
CADY [aside:] See how they follow me, like wayward sheep.
Have I become the new queen bee to them,
And they my workers who would do my will?
Have I my stinger hon’d and form’d this hive?
[To Karen:] Perchance I can escape mine obligation.
KAREN O, do, for our sake!
GRETCHEN —Take our many thanks!
KAREN Be well, kind Cady, till we meet again.
[Exeunt Gretchen and Karen and other students.
CADY How shall I tell my parents of this plan?
The trip to Madison is not untrue—
I fear they’ll be dismay’d if I refuse.
Enter LADY HERON and SIR HERON.
Beseech you, Father, Mother, hear my plea:
May I stay home from Madison this weekend?
My comrade Janis hath an art show then—
I would attend it, show her my support.
LADY H. The tickets we did purchase months ago,
And thou dost love Ladysmith Black Mambazo.
CADY She is my friend, and I have giv’n my word.
SIR H. Methinks our Cady hath grown old enow
That she one night without us may endure.
The flower kept too much protected shall
Ne’er learn to flourish by the sun’s bright light.
CADY O, Father, many thanks I give to thee!
SIR H. Thou art our daughter and doth have our love.
[Exeunt Lady Heron and Sir Heron.
CADY Have I discover’d how I may control
Each person I encounter in my life?
Shall I turn wizard, witch, or sorcerer
That I, by magic, move the minds of all?
This might is daunting and intoxicating.
There’s Aaron coming hither presently,
As if he were by heav’nly power sent!
Enter AARON SAMUELS.
Brave Aaron, I have miss’d thy company.
Most gladly, though, it shall not bring us woe:
This weekend I shall host a revelry—
Wilt thou be present?
AARON —Shall Regina go?
CADY Nay, I have made of her no such request.
Think’st thou, mayhap, that Cady hath gone mad?
The gathering consisteth of the best—
Good people; thou shalt to that number add.
AARON ’Tis well. I shall attend.
CADY —Tut, tut, thou egg.
Thy tunic’s masterfully woven, too.
O think that not an afterthought, I beg!
Until the party, I bid thee adieu.
[Exit Aaron.
The soldiers are arrang’d, the plan in motion:
My sweet lieutenant, Aaron Samuels, shall
Report for duty to my parents’ house.
All must be perfect, if I’d win this war.
My uniform must be most fashionable,
That when he sees me, he’ll surrender quickly.
If it proves so, then loving goes by haps:
Some Cupids kill with arrows, some with traps.
[Exit Cady.
SCENE 1
The Heron residence.
Enter GRETCHEN WIENERS and KAREN SMITH.
GRETCHEN The first ball held at Cady’s parents’ house!
How fortunate we are to be her friends.
KAREN Indeed! The luckiest of women we!
Enter CADY HERON.
CADY O, welcome, friends! Your outfits are supreme
And fit for any palace, hall, or court.
This night we’ll hold within our mem’ries. O!
We’ll have no more of slander, fraud, or con,
We shall be harpies neither, gossips nor.
GRETCHEN Thou art so wise, and beautifully attir’d!
CADY I am! ’Tis not a boast when ’tis the truth.
Tonight, I have secur’d a block of cheese
And wafers plentiful enow for eight.
Think ye that such a total shall suffice?
GRETCHEN [aside:] We have invited many more than eight,
Yet I would not upset good Cady. [To Cady:] Yea!
Enter many STUDENTS to the party, including JASON, TAYLOR WEDELL, and KEVIN GNAPOOR.
CADY ’Tis not enow, as now I plainly see—
The word of our small gathering hath been
Announc’d unto the world, as by a herald
Proclaiming some glad news of an event,
The tidings whereof all the folk would hear.
GRETCHEN My Jason is arriv’d, but comes with Taylor,
She of the cursèd family Wedell.
KAREN He doth but use the wench to drive thee mad.
CADY ’Mongst all who hither come, have ye seen Aaron?
JASON The music in this house is wondrous strange—
Let’s play the Ramayana Monkey Chant!
[The doorbell rings.
CADY [aside:] Who are these people ringing at the door?
A newfound group I do not recognize.
Enter more STUDENTS to the party.
Do I know ye, who unfamiliar art?
STUD. 9 [seeing a student inside:] Good Deek, thou dog!
CADY [aside:] —So burly
and so odd.
’Tis not the gathering I did intend,
For did my parents know, they would be wroth.
Enter REGINA GEORGE and SHANE OMAN, outside the house.
REGINA Doth she imagine she shall hold a party,
Inviting ev’ry student save myself?
It shall not be—I am Regina George,
And, like my namesake, stand as queen o’er all.
What pretense doth she ply, to be so bold?
SHANE Thou hast it right, my fragile, fragrant flow’r.
REGINA ’Tis not absurd to say I made her—aye,
Just as the potter makes the jar of clay,
And may—an she so willeth—smash it, too.
Fie!
Enter AARON SAMUELS to the party.
AARON [aside:] —Marry, ’tis an unexpected scene.
Methought ’twould be a gath’ring intimate,
With Cady and a few companions only.
My prior expectations I’ll adjust—
I may still author lines to sway the crowd.
[Gretchen approaches Jason.
GRETCHEN Dissembling Jason, may I speak a word?
[Gretchen falls, intoxicated.
TAYLOR This drama is too rich a spectacle—
I shall not be an actor on this stage.
[Exit Taylor. Gretchen starts to arise.
GRETCHEN I love thee, Jason, heartily.
JASON —I know.
Pray rest thy head and heart in me, my dove.
[Two students begin playing catch with a vase.
CADY Pray, set that down, for ’tis a priceless vase!
[Aside:] O, where is Aaron? Hath he turn’d me down?
Shall I read absence as rejection total?
Another drink shall steel my worried nerves.
[Cady sips her drink.
KEVIN Good evening, Africa, how dost thou fare?
Thy friend, e’en Gretchen Wieners, told me all—
With thee I’ll share the product of our discourse.
CADY [aside:] Alas, hath Gretchen slyly told him of
Some false infatuation of my heart?
KEVIN While I am flatter’d by thine interest,
It must be circumscrib’d ere it expands.
When romance adds a lass unto my life,
She shall be someone bless’d with vivid hues—
To put it plain: thy palette is too white.
CADY Thy words do move—
KEVIN —Thine undivided heart?
CADY My bladder; I must urinate anon.
[Exit Kevin.
My house entire is overrun and wild,
Each room suffus’d with hormones, japes, and fools.
In this one, here is Gretchen kissing Jason,
As if they hop’d to make their faces one.
Yet, as I enter, Gretchen sees me here
And slappeth him, continuing their show.
[Cady enters her room.
Here is another room, mine own, indeed—
[To two students:] Be gone, I tell ye, I must take my
rest.
[Cady walks aside within her room. Regina enters the party.
REGINA I’ll find the base, deceiving little harpy,
Hiding her bitter jests in blunt behavior.
[Cady walk aside into her bathroom.
AARON [aside:] Regina! I had hop’d she’d not be here.
I’ll make escape and hide me in a trice.
[Aaron enters Cady’s room.
A party too unruly for my taste—
This room shall be a refuge for my mind.
’Tis Cady’s, if mine eyes deceive me not,
For these her garments are, and these her portraits,
The marks and wonders of her private sphere.
This photograph—the Plastics, one and all,
With Cady’s lovely visage in a scowl,
As if she’d learn’d Regina’s ev’ry move.
Behind it, though, anothe
r, better scene:
Young Cady, as a child, astride a beast,
An elephant of monstrous girth and weight,
Which holds its trunk aloft with mighty bray,
And almost smiles—if elephants may smile—
As though it knew what precious, charming cargo
It carried on its ample, potent back.
Sweet Cady, innocent and still a girl,
With hair in tails and knees unkempt with dirt,
Doth beam like one who ne’er was happier.
This is the Cady whom I’ve come to love,
Not she who is but plastic, fake, and cruel.
[Cady comes back into her room.
AARON Holla, kind Cady.
CADY —Aaron come! But how?
AARON Most ev’rywhere throughout the house I search’d,
Yet could not find thee anywhere till now.
CADY For thee I look’d as well, I leap’d and lurch’d.
AARON Thy garments are a banquet for the eyes—
Hast thou obtain’d them lately? Are they new?
CADY My thanks, thy compliment is sweet surprise.
AARON Shall we downstairs, the party to pursue?
CADY With thee, herein, I’d happily remain.
[She pulls him to the bed, where they both sit.
AARON Thanks for the invitation for tonight.
CADY ’Tis pleasure to have thee in my domain.
AARON Too long I’ve let Regina blind my sight,
Mine anger over her hath work’d me woe.
No more would I have liars in my life.
CADY Ne’er would I lie to thee, as thou must know.
AARON Indeed I do; ne’er couldst thou bring me strife.
CADY Although, one word of falsehood I’ll admit—
I’ll warrant thou shalt laugh at the confession.
AARON What is it?
CADY —I did feign to be unfit
At mathematics, though ’tis my obsession.
’Twas done because I hop’d I’d win thy favor.
Yet, truly, I’m not bad at math, but smart.
The truth is like fine wine that one may savor—
I am quite skill’d at math, more than thou art!
The situation grows yet funnier,
For now at mathematics I am failing.
AARON This problem must, in time, grow sunnier.
Thou fail’st on purpose? Foolishness prevailing!
CADY It was not purposeful, nay, by my troth,
Yet gave me reason for to speak with thee.
AARON Next time I bid thee—yea, make thou an oath:
Whenever thou desirest, talk to me.
CADY Nay, I could not, due to Regina George.
She stak’d her claim an ’twere a property.
AARON Her property? No shackles did she forge.
CADY Shut up thy mouth—