by Ian Doescher
AARON —Nay, it may never be!
CADY Apologies, I did not mean to say—
AARON By heaven, this is worse than I had thought.
Thou art too much in mean Regina’s sway,
As if thou wert a clone that she had wrought.
CADY Nay, listen, Aaron, thou dost not hear well.
[Aside:] Alas, it cometh—vomit in my words.
Nay, not in words—O torment come from hell!
[Regina enters Cady’s room.
REGINA What is this scene?
CADY [aside:] —Real vomit, come in herds!
[Cady vomits on Aaron. Aaron begins to leave. Exeunt all except Cady as she pursues Aaron outside the front door of the house.
O, Aaron, wait! Call on me soon, my sweet.
Enter JANIS IAN and DAMIAN outside the house, driving by in Damian’s car.
[Aside:] Alas, ’tis Janis, whom I did betray.
JANIS Thou dirty, lying knave.
CADY —I shall explain!
JANIS Explain how thou didst somehow quite forget
To give thy friends an invitation, eh?
Friends are not for forgetting, Cady, nay,
And parties are where thou shouldst want us most.
DAMIAN The car’s progression, Janis, I’ll not stop—
I durst not flout the curfew from my parents.
CADY You know that I could not invite ye here—
My duty ’twas, pretending to be Plastic.
JANIS No pretense ’tis. Nay, ’tis reality.
Thou Plastic art: cold, shiny, and unbending.
DAMIAN My curfew’s one—the time turns to one ten.
JANIS Thy and thine awesome, newfound friends withal—
Did ye enjoy yourselves, I wonder? Ha!
Did ye drink alcohol that pleas’d your minds?
Did ye play music that amus’d your souls?
Did ye bask in each other’s awesomeness?
CADY Thou art the one who made me as I am,
To use me for thine overdue revenge,
Which thou didst cling to from an eighth-grade
slight.
JANIS At least Regina George and I do know
That we are vicious, mean, and spiteful, too.
Thou dost pretend thou art an innocent—
“I liv’d in Afric,” thou dost gladly claim,
“The birdies and the monkeys were my friends!”
CADY ’Tis not my fault thou art in love with me.
JANIS What madness?
DAMIAN —Say she did not speak those words.
JANIS ’Tis what you Plastics do with utmost skill:
Ye think the world enamor’d of yourselves,
When ’tis far truer ye are hated widely.
Take Aaron Samuels, whom thou fawnest for—
He broke with his Regina. Nonetheless,
He still doth not regard thee with love’s eye.
Then wherefore dost thou meddle with Regina?
Here is the reason: thou a mean girl art—
A wench, a strumpet, and a soulless rogue!
[Janis throws a rolled-up painting at Cady.
Take thou this portrait, for I want it not—
It won a prize that now turns sour to me.
Fie on it! I am gone, though I am here:
There is no love in thee. [To Damian:] Pray, let us go.
DAMIAN My tunic pink, thou must return to me!
[Exeunt Janis and Damian. Cady unrolls the portrait.
CADY Her portrait doth convict, an ’twere a judge.
Herein I see we three most happy friends—
Myself, kind Janis, we with Damian,
As if we were three tight-knit musketeers,
Inseparable as the trinity.
O, how I have behav’d—or misbehav’d—
The friendship they did freely proffer me
I have return’d at best derisively.
Have I become the evil I deplore?
Forgive me, friends; I shall yet make this right.
[Exit Cady.
Enter REGINA GEORGE and SHANE OMAN, approaching Regina’s car.
SHANE I prithee, calm thyself. Be thou not so fierce.
REGINA Existeth anyone I still may trust?
[Regina begins to eat a Kälteen bar.
SHANE Why eatest thou a Kälteen bar, Regina?
REGINA My stomach feeleth famish’d, verily.
To be betray’d is hungry work, indeed.
SHANE Those bars are most despicable to me.
Coach Carr gives them to us when he desires
That we increase our weight class for the team.
REGINA What didst thou say?
SHANE —They swiftly boost one’s weight
And add onto one’s girth. Perchance to eat
Pure fat would better work, yet not by much.
REGINA Fie, fie, O monstrous, common-kissing lout!
That artless, lumpish, motley-minded flirt-gill!
[Exit Shane in dismay.
What, will none suffer me? Nay, now I see
She is the treasure, she must have a boyfriend;
I must dance barefoot on her wedding day
And for her sake to her lead apes in hell.
[Regina finds the Burn Book in her car.
Where is the Burn Book I have lately scorn’d?
It shall fulfill my purpose presently.
Revenge shall be most swift and terrible—
The world entire shall know how rank she is.
Let it be writ: “This girl’s a skanky whore,
The nastiest whom ever I have met.
Trust her no wise—she fugly is forsooth!”
These words, however, I pen not of her—
But place my picture underneath the words.
Thus shall the book become a Cady share,
Wherewith I’ll ruin her beyond repair.
[Exit Regina.
SCENE 2
At North Shore High School.
Enter SIR DUVALL.
DUVALL In all my dreaming, never did I think
I someday would be in a school employ’d.
Though as schoolmaster I expend my days,
In other meadows I would gladly frolic.
I could be principal of a brigade,
Engag’d all day in soldierly pursuits.
I could be principal upon the stage,
An actor playing in a leading role.
I could be principal within a choir,
A tenor who doth make the ladies swoon.
Yet here I sit, schoolmaster to the many,
Most unappreciated for mine efforts.
Enter REGINA GEORGE, crying and holding the Burn Book.
REGINA Wise Sir Duvall, I bid you give me aid.
I found this book, whose pages hurt me so.
’Twas in the ladies’ restroom. ’Tis so vile—
A wicked, heartless tome infus’d with slander.
[Sir Duvall begins reading the book.
DUVALL Are these words true? Heav’n help me if they are—
Hath young Trang Pak been kissing our Coach Carr?
What here is written? “Kaitlyn Caussin is a—”
REGINA “Fat whore.” At least, I do believe ’tis so.
O, horrible, that one should be so cruel!
DUVALL Pray, calm thyself, Miss George. All is not lost.
REGINA Yet wherefore would a person write those words?
They are mean-spirited beyond belief.
DUVALL Fear not, we shall not rest until ’tis right,
And shall discover where the blame doth rest.
REGINA If you would read precisely, Sir Duvall,
You shall find but three lasses in the school
Who are not mention’d in the horrid pages.
[Aside:] The trap is set and, for the final act,
I’ll set the school afire in rage and bile.
[Exit Regina.
Enter COACH CARR, CADY HERON, and va
rious STUDENTS above, on balcony, in class.
CARR At your age, how thy bodies start to burn
With primal urges uncontrollable.
You shall desire to cast aside thy garments
And touch each other in your hidden parts.
If ye do so, chlamydia shall follow—
Which doth, like plague, lead instantly to death.
Enter a MESSENGER.
MESS. Coach Carr? A written note hath come for thee,
Sent by our noble Sir Duvall’s strong hand.
[Exit messenger. Coach Carr reads the note.
CARR Thou, Cady Heron, art requir’d anon,
Within the office of the principal.
CADY [aside:] To Sir Duvall at once I’m bound to sally,
And gladly leave this classroom for the ride.
Of visits to his office ’tis my first—
Doth this denote my own growth as a woman?
Or, likely, I am simply wanted in
Some hap for which my brain hath not the space.
[Exit Cady.
CARR Back to chlamydia, where we did stop.
’Tis K-L-A-M-I-D-D-E-A.
[Exeunt Coach Carr and students from balcony.
Enter CADY HERON.
CADY [aside:] Was that Regina I saw walking past?
The look she gave me could infernos freeze.
DUVALL This way, Miss Heron, to my office, please.
Enter GRETCHEN WIENERS and KAREN SMITH in SIR DUVALL’s office.
CADY What is the matter? Gladly would I know.
DUVALL I bid thee sit, and thou shalt learn anon.
[Sir Duvall holds up the Burn Book.
Hast thou e’er seen this wretched book before?
CADY Nay. Well, not nay. I have. Yet ’tis not mine.
I once was reader—never author, though.
DUVALL Thy story’s not well told, Miss Heron, nay—
There is the sound of fiction in the telling,
And I do not enjoy fallacious tales.
GRETCHEN ’Tis not ours, but Regina’s, Sir Duvall.
She’d have you think we three did hold the pen,
Which, in this case, cuts deeper than the sword,
Yet ’tis her work in ev’ry jot and tittle.
DUVALL Why would Regina “fugly” call herself,
And “skanky whore”—Miss Wieners, canst thou say?
[Karen laughs.
This is no time for jests and japes, Miss Smith.
We shall uncover this at one fell swoop,
Ere we do leave this office. Do ye hear?
Enter REGINA GEORGE, aside, spreading papers around the hallways.
REGINA The perfect end unto the perfect plot—
These copies of my treasur’d folio
Shall spread around the school an ’twere a wildfire.
Self-publishing was ne’er so gratifying.
[Exit Regina.
GRETCHEN Belike we are not in the volume harsh
Because we are belov’d of ev’ryone.
’Twould not be proper if you punish’d me
But for the phony crime of being lik’d.
My father, he who Toaster Strudel did
Invent, would not be pleas’d to hear of it.
The bell rings. Enter STUDENTS, including JANIS IAN, DAMIAN, JASON, DAWN SCHWEITZER, TRANG PAK, and SUN JIN DINH, aside, in the hallways, discovering REGINA’s papers.
STUD. 10 What is this defamation? “Kiss’d a hot dog!”
’Twas one time only, not a daily act!
DAWN “Dawn Schweitzer hath a monstrous, braying ass.”
Who would such mean and hurtful words compose?
STUD. 11 Who would not write it of thee, by my troth!
[Dawn and Student 11 begin fighting.
JASON “Trang Pak hath kiss’d Coach Carr”—can this be so?
“And so did Sun Jin Dinh,” such gossip sweet!
[Trang and Sun Jin begin fighting. Many other groups of students begin fighting.
Enter MADAM NORBURY. Enter COACH CARR severally.
NORBURY What is this chaos? Settle down at once!
Push not, lest ye be push’d! And be ye—ow!
[Madam Norbury is knocked to the ground.
What is this pamphlet here upon the floor?
A note about myself, and portrait too?
“Our Madam Norbury a pusher is—
A sad drug pusher is she!” O, alas!
DUVALL Have you three anything ye wish to say?
GRETCHEN No further questions shall I answer, yea,
Until a parent or a lawyer’s present.
DUVALL [aside:] The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.
[To Karen:] Miss Smith?
KAREN —Whoe’er hath written it,
mayhap,
Bethought no eyes would ever read its leaves.
DUVALL We still may hope no one shall ever read it.
Enter REGINA GEORGE, amid the chaos in the school.
REGINA [aside:] A perfect conflagration by my hand.
By this I trust I may have leave to speak,
And speak I will. I am no child, no babe:
My pen can tell the anger of my heart,
Or else my heart, concealing it, will break,
And rather than it shall, I will be free
E’en to the uttermost through these, my words.
DAMIAN [to Janis:] Read this harsh sentence: “Janis Ian: dyke.”
JANIS Originality is not a strength
Of whomsoever did devise this barb.
DAMIAN Wait, wait, here is another writ of me:
“His gaiety doth overwhelm his sense!”
JANIS Unfair, indeed, thou art too much malign’d—
These words should only from my mouth go forth.
[Students argue and fight further.
STUD. 12 Didst thou write this?
STUD. 13 —Nay, never, so swear I!
STUD. 14 Thou toldest someone?
STUD. 15 —She did tell.
STUD. 16 —Cur!
STUD. 17 —Hag!
JASON How I do love to see young women spar—
For better fisticuffs, take off your tunics!
DUVALL Here, then, is what we’ll do—
Enter JOAN, assistant to SIR DUVALL, to his office.
JOAN [to Sir Duvall:] —Ron, quickly come!
The girls fly to and fro—they run amok!
[Sir Duvall, carrying a bat, and Cady, Gretchen, and Karen emerge from the office into the hallway. Coach Carr is stuck between Trang and Sun Jin.
CADY [aside:] ’Tis madness ev’rywhere, like ne’er I saw!
A full-tilt jungle scene with animals!
Unlike I had imagin’d it before,
It doth not disappear when I do blink.
CARR [to Sir Duvall:] I pull’d these two apart, lest they
should kill.
DUVALL Coach Carr, step quickly from the underag’d.
CARR Alas! I am undone. I beg your mercy!
[Exit Coach Carr in haste.
DUVALL [to a student:] Thou, who dost hang there from the
pipes above,
I’ll help thee, if thou shalt, by me, be help’d.
[The student tries to kick Sir Duvall, who moves away quickly.
By hell’s dark fire, I was not made for this!
I did not leave the south side for this turmoil.
If they make fire, they’ll have the remedy.
[Sir Duvall smashes a fire alarm with his bat. Water begins falling on all students. All scream.
Ye junior women to the gym anon!
Immediately, sans delay or sound!
[Exeunt all save Sir Duvall.
In all my dreaming, never did I think
I someday would be in a school employ’d.
Yet here I am, by reason or by rhyme—
I could be principal for such a time.
[Exit Sir Duvall.
SCENE 3
In
the North Shore High School gymnasium.
Enter CADY HERON, REGINA GEORGE, GRETCHEN WIENERS, KAREN SMITH, MADAM NORBURY, JOAN, all TEACHERS, and all FEMALE STUDENTS. Enter DAMIAN, disguised.
CADY [aside:] Have you e’er happen’d on two people at
The moment when they shar’d a gossip tourney,
With you the subject? Here, ’tis general.
And though I smile and sing a “fa” or “re,”
’Tis noted that each face doth signal “no.”
[Cady waves at Janis and Damian, who both grimace.
JANIS [aside:] Who doth she think she is, to wave so fondly?
Who doth she think we are, thus to forgive?
Enter SIR DUVALL.
DUVALL Ne’er in my fourteen years as educator
Have I seen such behavior as ye show.
Young ladies are ye, or so ye should be.
Your parents call upon me to inquire,
“Hath someone by a gunshot injur’d been?”
Your Fling of Spring I should, abruptly, cancel,
Since ye already fling your minds away
And spring to violence with a ready will.
ALL Nay, nay!
KAREN [aside to Gretchen:]—What should we do, if he doth
cancel?
DUVALL I’ll not do so, despite my reservations—
Already hath the deejay been reserv’d.
Think not, howe’er, this book’s not serious,
Or that by it I am not most upset.
Coach Carr hath left school property in haste.
He is compos’d and fram’d of treachery:
And fled he is upon this villainy.
Our Madam Norbury hath been accus’d
Of selling drugs, though such is ludicrous.
This school is hard enough without infighting.
What you young women need is to remake
Your attitudes, which shall begin e’en now.
Whatever length of time the matter takes,
However through the night we all must work—
JOAN In sooth, we can’t keep them past four o’clock.
NORBURY However until four we all must work—
We’ll stay and fix how ye communicate,
How you relate unto each other. See?
’Twill happen lass to lass. Who, then, shall start?
Who hath a lady’s problem to discuss?
[Bethany Byrd raises her hand.
Yes, Bethany, how shalt thou lead herein?
BETHANY Whoever wrote the book declar’d that I
Did lie about my maidenhead, because
I utilize the tampons jumbo-siz’d.
’Tis not my fault that I have heavy flow,
Withal a large, wide-set vagina, too.
DUVALL I cannot do this. Madam Norbury?