Remember Us This Way

by C. R. Jane

  “Be brave,” I whisper to my reflection, tasting the words on my tongue for the first time since before everything went to hell. I’ve been surviving ever since I realized I couldn’t escape Gentry. This was my first time in a while doing something other than just trying to survive. If I was being honest with myself though, going to this concert was me still trying to survive because as soon as I heard that they would actually be nearby I knew that if I didn’t try to see them, the last remaining piece of me would break.

  I slowly slip off the paisley Lily Pulitzer dress I had been wearing to send Gentry off, and I put on the skirt. It’s looser than before since I barely eat nowadays. Stroking the leather, I already feel braver, more myself. I find myself wishing that I had one of Jesse’s shirts. I’m sure that would go over well though. I can just see the looks on their faces if they saw me wearing that. There would be pity and disgust in their eyes as they looked at the girl that they had forgotten about but who obviously was obsessed with them just like all of their crazy stalkers.

  Disgusted with the thought, I turn back towards the suitcase filled with my old clothes and continue rifling through them. Everything seems juvenile looking at it from the lens of a woman rather than a girl. I need to make something work though since Gentry has alerts on my credit cards that tell him everything I spend. There’s no way for me to get cash out of the bank without him being alerted either, so I’m stuck. I’m just lucky that yesterday was my usual gas day so I didn’t have to spark his interest by getting gas this weekend because of the extra distance I’m going to drive going to the concert. As it is, I’m going to have to find some quarters somewhere around the house and take the bus next week to pick up the dry cleaning and my other errands, so he doesn’t get suspicious about extra miles on the car.

  Frustrated, I’m just about to give up when a flash of red peeks out from the bottom of my suitcase. Grabbing it, I pull it out and feel my heart breaking a little. It’s a red, long-sleeved top that’s meant to hug your every curve. It has a choker neckline with a cutout around the chest and I remember when I saw it in the store, I had to have it. I had bought it to bring with me to L.A. I was going to show up in my sexy red top and get their attention, show them that I wasn’t a little girl anymore. That I was theirs. I obviously never got to wear it, and it seems fitting that the first time it is worn would be to see them.

  I take my time getting ready, actually enjoying the process for once. I curl my long, dark brown hair into perfect waves and then line my unusual golden colored eyes carefully with black eyeliner to make them pop. I’m someone else tonight. Not the prisoner of an abusive man, but a twenty-three-year-old woman with a fantastic night at her fingertips. My hair and the choker neckline hides the burgeoning bruises on my neck perfectly. I finish off my costume by painting my lips a dark crimson color that Gentry never lets me wear because he says that I look like a prostitute. The red makes me feel powerful and judging by the fact that I feel like I’m going to puke my guts out the closer I get to the time of the concert, I need all the empowerment I can get. I tuck the lipstick and some powder into a small black purse that I throw over my shoulder, and then I grab my keys. Right before I leave, I pause, remembering the last time I saw them.

  “Four months, Princess. If you’re not at that airport in four months, I’ll come here and drag you back to us myself. Understand?” Tanner asks, brushing a kiss across first my forehead, then my cheeks, and finally my lips. I can feel the eyes of the guys on us. As time has passed, they’ve become increasingly affectionate in front of each other, but it still feels strange to me. Tanner takes a step back, making room for Jensen to take his place.

  “Baby,” he whispers in my ear. His hands thread through my hair. He sounds almost like he’s trying not to cry. I’m already there, tears are streaming down my face and soaking his t-shirt that I’ve buried my face in. “Just promise...” he says, leaving the rest unspoken. There’s not a situation that I can imagine that would prevent me from joining them. I tell him that, making promises that I’d wager my life on that I will keep. He takes a step away from me and then stalks out of the room, not looking back.

  Jesse steps up last. He wraps his whole body around me, and I try to memorize what it feels like to be this warm, to feel this loved. “Pretty girl,” he sighs, pulling back and rubbing his chest with a distraught look on his face. “I’m not sure how I’m going to make it until you join us.”

  I’ve never seen Jesse look so pained and I want to throw all my plans to the wind and just go with them right now. The only thing that stops me is that I have to be able to bring something to the table with me when I join them. Even if it’s just a high school diploma now, I’ll take college classes when I’m on the road with them in graphic design or something. I’ll do whatever it takes to be an asset to them rather than a hindrance. It’s the only way that this strange relationship of ours will work once they make it big.

  “Take my heart with you and keep it safe,” I tell him, knowing that it sounds corny but meaning it with all the depth of my soul.

  “Always,” he whispers. I tilt my head up and press my lips against his, desperate for one last piece of perfection before they leave. He groans, burying his fingers into my hair and taking over the kiss. He devours my mouth with all the anxiety, frustration, and anger we are both feeling about this forced parting. When I pull back, I feel faint and I struggle to breathe. I can see Tanner’s silver eyes staring at me over Jesse’s shoulder, longing and lust battling inside of their depths. “Soon,” he mouths, and I feel a wave of anticipation even as I give Jesse one more desperate hug and say goodbye.

  Brushing a tear from my face, and thanking myself for using waterproof mascara, I walk out to my car and then start driving to my one night away from reality.

  6

  Then

  Seeing them perform really is a religious experience, one that I never want to give up. Like every person in this room I would love to bow at the altar of the Sounds of Us for as long as they let me. Just the thought makes me feel pathetic.

  When the last note fades, I’m somewhat afraid that the whole building is going to come down since it’s so freaking loud in here. I find myself screaming along with the crowd, unable to stop myself.

  I choke down a glass of water that Amberlie had set down in front of me. The guy whose friend had been dragged away had wisely kept his sights on Amberlie instead of trying for me, supplying her with drinks for the entire show. She was definitely on the drunk side of tipsy, telling me how beautiful I was and how she was so glad that we were going to be best friends in that way that girls sometimes acted when they were drunk. I had been tempted to sip some of her drink during the show since the guys couldn’t seem to keep their eyes off of me and it was making me nervous, but I held off. I knew logically that there were millions of people who were able to drink alcohol with no problems at all. However, watching Terry and David destroy their lives and sometimes mine because of it made me afraid to go there. Tonight wasn’t going to be the night I tried it no matter how badly I wanted to.

  The guys are all in the front of the stage, huge smiles on their faces as they slap hands with their out of control fans. I knew in that moment that someday I would be seeing them perform on a stage with a hundred thousand fans instead of the two hundred or so that are packed into the room. Besides the talent they obviously possess in spades, there is some intangible quality about them that told you they were special. That they were better than everyone else. In that moment I knew it was inevitable that they would leave, and I found myself already missing them.

  Tanner jumps off the stage and starts to wade his way through the crowd, never taking his eyes off of me despite the girls who pull at him for attention as he passes. Amberlie had started making out with her guy or I’m sure she would have been drooling about how unbelievably hot Tanner looks right now. At some point in the show he had ripped off his shirt and there is a light sheen of sweat all over his chest highlighting a body that’s
as sinful as Jensen’s was this morning. Seriously, are these guys even real human beings? I had seen David with his shirt off and there was nothing there but a beer gut and an unruly patch of hair in awkward places all over his chest. Tanner’s body looks nothing like that. My fingers itch to trace the hard ridges on his abdomen; he’s beautifully sculpted everywhere. Undeniably masculine, and dripping sex appeal, intricate tattoos started on the left side of his chest, wrapping around his shoulder before covering his entire left arm, raising an air of mystery and danger around him. Looking closer I can see a few faded scars marking his body. If anything, they add to the sex appeal that is Tanner.

  I watch him until he’s standing right in front of me and even then, I forget how to speak when he first asks me if I liked the show since I’m so busy gaping at his gorgeousness.

  “Well?” he asks, and I realize that it’s probably been at least a minute since he first asked his question.

  “You were amazing,” I tell him hoarsely, choking up since there’s no good way for me to describe what I just witnessed. His eyes soften as he looks at me and I know he can tell what I’m trying to say.

  “I think we went all out for you tonight, Princess. I don’t think we’re usually that good.”

  I blush, wondering how many other girls he’s said the same thing to. “You didn’t tell me about tonight,” I blurt out suddenly, needing to know why before I went any farther down the path I knew tonight was leading me.

  He looks confused for a second and then he takes my hand in his, pulling me off my chair and into his body so we’re lined up perfectly. It’s a little bit sickening how even his sweat smells good. I have to force myself not to lean in further so I can take a big whiff. My nerves are on overdrive being this close to him. A thought flickers in my mind of what it felt like for Jensen to be on the other side of me yesterday. I push it away quickly.

  “Princess, we didn’t think you would be up to coming after what happened today. Jensen told us how much anxiety you had, and we didn’t want to pressure you into anything that would make it worse.” He gestures to the packed, raucous room around us. “We didn’t know if you would be able to handle all of this.”

  He leans in close and it feels like my heart is about to beat out of my chest. “Seeing you in the crowd was the best surprise that I could have asked for though,” he says, his voice fading into a whisper as his lips inch closer to mine.

  I’ve just closed my eyes and am awaiting the kiss that I know is coming when someone bumps the side of Tanner and almost sends me flying.

  “What the fuck?” he says, catching me before I hit the ground. We both look over and see that Reagan is there. Her boobs are pushed up so high at the moment that they are almost at her chin. She looks incredibly mature and sexy, and I suddenly want to leave.

  “Can I talk to you for a minute?” she says with a wide, fake smile. Tanner sighs, raking a hand through his still sweaty hair.

  “What do you need, Reagan?” he asks.

  I take a step away, but his arm tightens around me preventing me from going anywhere. His fingers begin to strum up and down the side of my ribs. Reagan’s eyes dart to his hand and they tighten with rage and frustration before she forces herself to look friendly and easy-going once again.

  “I just wanted to tell you about what Daddy said about the band,” she says. Tanner stiffens and I can tell he wants to know what she has to say.

  “Reagan’s father is a record producer in Atlanta,” he explains to me, and I like him even more in that moment for making me feel like I’m a part of the conversation.

  “Let’s talk about it at the party with the other guys,” he says charmingly. The smile he flashes her is big, but I realize that it’s fake. He gave me a real smile the other day and I haven’t forgotten what that looked like.

  “You promise we can talk then?” Reagan asks, her voice coming out a bit pleading at the end. I feel sorry for her in that moment. She’s using every tool at her disposal, even industry contacts, to try and keep Tanner interested, and I know that it’s not going to work.

  After Tanner nods she prances back to her friends, her steps lighter with the hope of a successful night. I push any thoughts of her out of my mind when Tanner once again envelops me in both arms.

  “You’re going to come to the after-party, right?” he asks, a hint of vulnerability in his question as if there was any way that I would say no to getting the chance to hang out with them more.

  I look back at Amberlie who looks like she’s about to eat the face of the guy she’s making out with. “I want to, but I might need a ride,” I say with a laugh. He looks behind me and winces. “You’re definitely coming with us,” he says, taking my hand and beginning to lead me back towards where Jesse and Jensen are now signing various items of clothing that are being thrown at them by still-screaming girls.

  I stop him. “I need to make sure someone gives her a ride home, she’s been drinking,” I explain, and his gaze once again softens as he looks at me. “Princess, you’re too sweet to be true,” he says.

  “You’ve been hanging out with the wrong people if you haven’t seen them arrange rides for their friends,” I say with a laugh.

  I walk back to the table and grab Amberlie’s phone to use her Uber app. I don’t have any special data on my phone that allows for apps since my phone is a free one that David and Terry got from the government. When I saw it in the mail, I swiped it before they could get their hands on it and try to sell it. It didn’t have any special features, but it was nice having some sort of lifeline when I did need to make a call.

  After explaining to Amberlie that an Uber is coming I still feel hesitant to leave her drunk with this guy.

  “Brad is a good guy,” says Tanner, doing that what’s up head nod with the guy in question as he says that. “He won’t try anything if she’s too drunk.”

  Trusting Tanner to know these people way better than I do, I tell Amberlie to call me if she needs anything and I allow him to finally drag me through the crowd. We get up by the stage and immediately Jesse and Jensen’s eyes are locked on me.

  “Let’s go,” says Tanner and they jump down to join us. Jesse seems more amped up than any of them and he picks me up suddenly and swings me around.

  “Alright, pretty girl. It’s time for you to tell me how amazing I am,” he says with a smile and I can’t help but giggle as he sets me down again.

  “You were okay,” I tell him with a wink, and he fake pouts.

  “I bet you told Tanner he was amazing tonight, didn’t you? It’s because he took his shirt off. And Jensen took his shirt off this morning. So, you probably think he was amazing tonight as well. Nope, this isn’t happening. Prepare yourself. It’s going to get hot,” he says with a sexy wink, letting me go and ripping his tank top down the middle in a way that elicits screams from the girls hovering around us.

  My jaw drops. It has indeed gotten hot.

  Just like my reaction after I saw Jensen and Tanner’s bodies, I never would’ve believed guys with this type of a body existed in real life if I wasn’t seeing them with my own eyes. I went on one date with a football player at my old school, but he wasn’t built anything like this. The words “bella vie” are penned in swirling cursive across his broad chest and the word “trust” rests over his heart. I forget how to breathe when I see that both of Jesse’s hardened nipples are pierced. It’s so unexpected that out of the three of them, he’s the one with pierced nipples. I’m at a total loss for words. He’s perfection, they all are. Strong bodies, so far charming personalities, insanely talented voices, and the most beautiful freaking eyes that I’ve ever seen...

  “Holy shit,” I manage to squeak, slowly running the pad of my thumb across the ink on his heart. I draw my eyes back up to look into his beautiful eyes and feel another earth-shattering shiver strike my core. “You’re unreal.”

  Jesse smirks and I know I’ve given him the reaction he was looking for. He unexpectedly picks me up and tosses me over
his shoulder as he starts to stalk backstage. “We’re keeping her,” he yells out to the guys as they follow behind us. I can’t help but smack Jesse’s butt as he walks since it’s right in front of me, but he doesn’t let me down until we’re safely ensconced backstage, the roar of their fans fading as soon as the door closes.

  We’re all alone in the room and it’s almost more than I can take being in there with just the three of them. Jesse sets me down and saunters away to grab a bottle of water from a table that’s also filled with a bunch of random snacks. He tosses me one of the other bottles before going to grab a new shirt from a bag sitting on the faded, green couch in the room. Jesse and Tanner banter back and forth about the show as they grab their things.

  Jensen slides up next to me. “Want to ride with me to the party?” he asks in that gravely voice of his that makes my knees weak.

  I nod and he flashes me a beautiful grin. I savor it, because I can already tell Jensen doesn’t give his smiles out lightly and I’ve been lucky enough to get a couple since we’ve met.

  He takes my hand, pulling me behind him as he leads me to the back exit. “We’ll meet you guys there,” he says in a voice that doesn’t leave any room to question him.

  “I call next time,” Jesse yells from behind us.

  I look over my shoulder and blow him a kiss, surprising myself and them with my attempt at flirting. Feeling like a fool I turn quickly back around, Tanner’s quiet laughter following me out the door.

  Jensen leads me to a black Escalade. As we walk, he pulls a phone out of his pocket and types something briefly before returning the phone to his pocket. “We can stop and get food on the way to the party,” he says. I try to think if I have any money with me. Pretty sure I don’t. I’ll just have to order a water and pretend like I’ve already eaten.

  He opens the door for me, and I hesitate for a second looking into the luxurious interior. I look back at him patiently waiting. Under the streetlights, his beauty feels dangerous, like it could lure me in and never let me go. I get inside.