Remember Us This Way

by C. R. Jane

  “Hey, I signed with a label too,” says Jesse teasingly as he pulls me into a hug. Of the three of them, Jesse is the one that’s always quick to smile. He sees the sunny side of every situation and I desperately need his light right now. I inhale the hint of sunshine that always radiates off of him as he pulls me close, already thinking of what it will be like when I don’t get it every day.

  “It will just be a few months, pretty girl,” he whispers to me in his honey-coated voice and just like always he manages to pull a real smile from me.

  I pull away from him reluctantly and nod. “Are you practicing today?” I ask, wanting to change the subject and have at least one more normal day before my whole world changes.

  “We have to. The label is expecting us to be ready to record the second we land in L.A.” says Tanner. My heart leaps. Just hearing the words label and record in L.A. sends flutters all over my body. It’s really happening.

  The next couple of hours pass and we all seem to have the same idea of pretending that it’s just our usual Wednesday. I sit quietly on the faded leather couch in the corner where I usually do homework while they rehearse. Today I can only pretend, however. I’m already thinking about how I’m going to have to start playing their CDs while I work after they leave. I’ve gotten so used to their voices being the soundtrack of my math and English homework that I’m not sure I can actually do my homework assignments without their songs.

  Thirty minutes goes by and the little garage where they practice starts to fill up. Looking around dazedly I realize that quite a few of the kids from school showed up to watch them practice. Word must have gotten out that they were leaving, the crowd is twice as large as usual.

  Karmen, a girl I have the unfortunate privilege of going to school with, sidles up next to the couch and sits down. I look at her annoyed, everyone knows this is my domain during the guys’ practices.

  “So, I heard that the guys are leaving you behind,” she says to me in a voice that’s meant to sound sympathetic but instead comes across bitchy. I know her too well at this point not to know that she’s trying to make me feel like crap.

  “I’ll be joining them after school,” I tell her, not sure why I sound like I’m trying to convince myself that what I’m saying is true.

  “How long do you think they’re going to let you hang on to their coattails?” she asks offhandedly. “You know that when there’s a million girls vying for their attention, they won’t be content settling for just one.” Her comment manages to hit too close to how I actually feel for comfort. I say nothing, choosing to simply roll my eyes at her in response. The eye roll is meant to come across as confident, but my insides are in turmoil as I roll her words around my head. When will the guys start thinking of me as the burden they picked up accidently and can’t get rid of? What will I do then? We technically still aren’t anything but friends. There’s been a lot of kissing and they’re constantly touching me, but there hasn’t been anything else despite the fact that I’ve been dying for more. How could I even expect them to want me around when we’re technically not even together?

  “Ready to go?” asks Jesse, sidling up to me and throwing his arm over my shoulder as is his habit. I realize that they’re done, and Tanner and Jensen are finishing putting away the equipment. Jesse’s a bit sweaty from playing but I don’t mind, the boy pulls off sweat very well.

  “Ariana and I were just talking about how excited she is to meet up with you in L.A.,” says Karmen in a falsely sweet voice. Jesse looks at me, his eyes glimmering, he knows exactly how I feel about Karmen and her antics.

  “We’ll be counting down the days,” he says, brushing a soft kiss against my forehead that makes my entire body tingle. I forget all about Karmen and her wicked tongue as he takes my hand and leads me to where Tanner and Jensen are now waiting by the door, talking to a few of their college classmates. Jensen places his hand on my lower back when we get to them and my body seems to feel like it’s on overload. The guys give me the simplest touches, but every day it seems to mean more. How am I going to live without it?

  After grabbing a pizza, we head to the guys’ apartment right outside of the Bellmont University campus. The guys are freshman there, one year ahead of me. This last year of high school has been miserable without them. I’ve been tempted just to drop out and get my GED, but my fears of ending up like my mother have stopped me from doing anything rash.

  We eat and sit around the tv talking about what L.A. is going to be like. The label is setting them up with an apartment right outside of the studio and they’re teasing me about how they are going to decorate my room before I get there. There’s a sadness permeating the room despite Tanner and Jensen’s attempt at levity. The guys are nursing beers, and I’m laying with my head in Tanner’s lap. I look over at Jesse who’s been oddly quiet all night. He’s usually the one who would be cracking the most jokes, but instead he’s staring at the television, lost in thought. I get up and surprise him when I get in his lap and wrap my arms around his neck. It’s taken a year for me to feel comfortable touching them first, but now that I’ve started doing it, it’s like I can’t stop myself from doing it all the time. The guys haven’t seemed to mind.

  “What are you thinking about?” I whisper in his ear, grazing my lips against it. He shivers and I feel him start to harden under me. I see the other two pointedly averting their eyes away from Jesse and I and focusing on the tv where a basketball game just started.

  “I’m thinking this is bullshit. You should just transfer to a high school in L.A. and graduate there. I don’t like the idea of you staying here. What if something happens?”

  It’s something that I’ve thought about since I heard the news, but there’s always the risk that my credits wouldn’t transfer and Amberlie would probably kill me if she had to finish senior year without me, even if I’ve spent almost all my time with the guys lately. There’s also the part of me that wants them to really be able to concentrate on recording their album without me distracting them. But I can’t tell him that because he would immediately tell me how crazy I was and how I wouldn’t distract them at all.

  The prospect of them leaving is scary for another reason though. Terry and David have been getting even worse over the past year and I’ve had to spend more and more nights at the guys’ apartment when things were too dangerous for me to stay at my trailer. Terry had even been hospitalized for overdosing a few months ago. Without the guys here, I’ll have to find somewhere else to go when things get really bad. Jesse had promised me that his family had already agreed to take me in at any time and I knew Amberlie’s family would do the same, but there was just something so safe about how the guys made me feel.

  I lean my forehead against Jesse’s, soaking in the feel of his skin against mine.

  “I have an idea!” Jesse announces abruptly, lifting me as he stands up. I automatically wrap my legs around him. He spins me around and makes me laugh before talking again. Tanner and Jensen look at him expectantly.

  “We’ve got three nights left before we leave. Let’s each spend one night alone with Ari until then.”

  “We all get days though,” says Jensen. “I don’t want to miss seeing her for two out of the three days.”

  “Agreed,” says Tanner, his silver eyes warming up as he looks at the sliver of skin that’s appeared from my position around Jesse’s waist.

  “Um, is anyone going to ask me if that’s all right?” I ask jokingly.

  “My apologies, pretty girl,” Jesse says sarcastically. “Is my plan acceptable to you?” he says with a smirk.

  I answer by kissing him quickly and deeply and the whole room goes deathly quiet after that. I realize that it’s the first time I’ve actually kissed one of the guys in front of the others. I freeze, scared to see the looks on Jensen and Tanner’s faces. I finally do and it’s interesting what I see. Tanner has a conflicted look on his face, not necessarily happy, but not angry either. Jensen’s face just looks intrigued and a little hot...w
hich is intriguing because Jensen is usually the possessive one in the group.

  “So, I guess we’re doing that now,” says Jesse, the laugh in his voice rumbles against my chest. “It will be very rockstar of us,” he jokes. When no one says anything, Jesse starts to walk towards the door with me still wrapped around him.

  “Where are you going?” snaps Tanner as Jesse opens the door.

  “It was my idea so I’m going first,” Jesse says with a laugh and we leave before either of them can say anything. Once we’re outside, he sets me down and we start to walk towards his truck holding hands.

  “What do you want to do?” I ask once we’re inside the truck.

  “I have an idea,” he says. He begins to drive, stopping by Starbucks to grab me my favorite coffee first so “I don’t fall asleep on him.”

  My heart flutters when we drive until we get to the park where we first went to the music festival almost a year before.

  We get out of the truck and Jesse surprises me by getting a blanket out of the truck. “I thought this idea just came to you?” I ask. He laughs.

  “Ever since the concert I keep an extra blanket in my truck just in case I get the chance to recreate that day with you,” he tells me, and I melt at his thoughtfulness. That day was one of the best days of my life, the day that I fell in love with him. I’m glad it meant something to him as well.

  He walks to the exact spot we were at on that day and he spreads out the blanket. We both lay down on the blanket and stare up at the night sky. There’s a tapestry of stars laid out before us and I have the sudden realization of how insignificant I am in the vast universe. It’s a depressing thought.

  I turn over on my side to look at Jesse. He shines like the stars. So talented, handsome, and full of life he’s like a supernova exploding across the sky. I feel the heavy beat of love deep within me. It snuck inside when I first met him, and now I’m both helpless and powerful from its intensity.

  Jesse turns over to look at me. “What are you thinking about, pretty girl?” he asks.

  “Just how much I like you,” I whisper. I’m too scared to put the other “l” word out there.

  He leans towards me until we’re only a heartbeat away from each other. Jesse sighs, a potent elixir against my lips. Pulling back just enough for his gaze to find mine, he strokes his fingers along my jaw. “I like you too, pretty girl. I think about you and me together so much I feel crazy. I am crazy. Fucking crazy for you.” He kisses me, deep and long and still not enough. When he breaks away with a bursting breath, his eyes deepen into a sea blue.

  He runs his hand up and fists them in my wavy mass, pulling it tight. “How do you do this to me? I’m completely out of control. Since I met you, every emotion I have is tied to how I think you’re feeling. I’ve never felt like this in my life.”

  “Same here,” I breathe and curl my other hand around his thick forearm. “I think … I think this is new for both of us.” Jesse opens his eyes and looks at me for several long moments. Then he kisses me again, a long, but chaste kiss. Forehead to forehead, he whispers, “Say the word and I’ll stay with you.”

  In that moment I want so much to take him up on his offer. I want to be selfish for the first time in my life and keep him, keep all of them. They are the first good thing that has ever been mine and I love them all so much. And because I love them, I know I can’t keep them, at least for now.

  “It’s just a few months,” I say, stroking the side of his face. I memorize his features like he always does to me.

  “Promise me something,” he says suddenly, his eyes flaring with intensity.

  “Anything.”

  “Promise me that no matter what happens in the next few months, no matter what you hear or think you see, no matter what...that you’ll get on that plane in four months and meet us in L.A.”

  There’s not a doubt in my mind that I can keep this promise. I’ll be there whether they want me there or not. “I promise,” I tell him, sealing my vow with a kiss.

  I stand up, suddenly desperate to give him something important to take with him while he’s gone.

  “Where are we going?” he asks as I pull him almost frantically to the truck.

  “I need you to drive me to the warehouse,” I tell him.

  “If you want me to play something, we need to go back to the apartment. All that’s left at the warehouse is an old piano since we packed everything up for L.A.”

  “Just take me there,” I order him, and we drive to the warehouse without further argument. I’m shaking as he gets out the key and unlocks the warehouse door. I flip on the lights and turn to face him.

  “I’m going to give you something right now that I’ve never given anyone,” I tell him, kissing him softly on the lips and going to sit down on the piano bench. He silently comes to stand next to me.

  Taking a deep breath for courage, I start to play the keys, just how I had been practicing in stolen moments in the music room during my study hall this year. Looking up at Jesse, I see his eyes widen when he sees that I can actually play. He gasps when he recognizes the Lady Gaga song that I’ve begun to play. I keep my eyes on his so that he can see how much this song is for him. I begin to sing for the first time in front of another person.

  That Arizona sky

  Burnin' in your eyes

  You look at me and babe, I wanna catch on fire

  It’s buried in my soul

  Like California gold

  You found the light in me that I couldn’t find

  So when I'm all choked up and I can't find the words

  Every time we say goodbye, baby, it hurts

  When the sun goes down

  And the band won't play

  I'll always remember us this way...

  Long after the last note fades, we sit there in the silence. I finally get the courage to look up at him and there’s tears in his eyes. “Why have you been hiding this? I’ve never heard anything like that before,” he says, his voice choked up with emotion.

  “I just want you to remember this and take this memory with you. Remember us this way,” I softly tell him. He kisses me. My lips to his, my life embedded with his, my tongue pressing inside for a taste that has to last us while he’s across the country. I grab his wrists, digging my nails in and dragging them up his arms and around his shoulders, down his back until I hold on, holding him close as a sob crosses from my mouth to his.

  When we’re forehead to forehead, he grabs on to my gaze. “Please don’t cry. Please don’t. You’re it for me, pretty girl.” It’s the closest he’s come to I love you and I hold his words close to my heart.

  The drive home is quiet. I stay at the apartment instead of going home thinking that I’ll take advantage of every last second I have with them. I fall asleep between Jensen and Tanner while Jesse sleeps on a mattress on the floor that he dragged into the room. It’s a good thing I stayed there, because first thing in the morning someone from the label calls saying that they had to leave that day because a spot in the studio opened up early.

  Our four-month separation turned into five years and I broke my promise to Jesse two weeks after they left.

  11

  Now

  I’d never met a boy like Tanner Crosby. He was a jumble of tattoos and muscle, a temptation for the good girl who never knew that she would want the bad boy with a wild abandon. I fell head over heels with a breathless sigh that first night I met him in a take me, marry me, give me a baby kind of way. It was like that with all of them. But in hindsight, Tanner was never really mine. He was a hurricane that materialized out of nowhere. All of the boys were. Being zipped into their whirlwind had been so crazy and unsteady and perfectly right all at the same time. Yet the first time I had heard them play I knew deep down as fast as they swept me off my feet, their storm would move on. And they wouldn’t return.

  Some sick feeling in the pit of my stomach had said so, but I’d listened to their promise that they would never leave me. And they hadn’t left m
e. Not really. I had left them. I had loved them hard, and I didn’t regret one minute. They had been my salvation. I’d never belonged anywhere or to anyone before them. I hadn’t realized it, but when I moved to Bellmont, South Carolina I was desperate for something to shake up my life and save me. They had done everything they could, but I couldn’t be saved.

  I feel like I’m dying when I return backstage after the show and see Tanner walk into his dressing room with the red-headed girl from before the show.

  I decide it’s time to go home.

  Jesse

  I see her devastated expression as Tanner walks into his dressing room with Tanya. I know why he’s taking her in there, and it has no connection with fucking...at least it doesn’t anymore. I know Tanner well enough that once he saw Ariana, he wouldn’t be able to even think about being with another girl, no matter how angry he is with her. Despite how upset I know Ari is about what she just saw, I’m not going to be the one to tell her the truth about who Tanner is now five years after she left us. Tanner can tell her himself. I’ve wasted enough time trying to save him.

  I’m ashamed at how I acted right before the show. It’s a physical struggle to not go over there right now and grab her and kiss her and love her and keep talking until she understands. Like I can force her to hear me or force her to love me. I’ve made so many mistakes, but it seems I just keep making them. Why did I tell her all of that? Of course she was going to freak out. Just hearing her reaction made me realize how dumb it was.

  Without working too hard, I’d gotten what I wanted from women all my life. I traded on my looks and talent and then later my celebrity and got laid when I felt like it. That was the normal course of events. But of course, there’s nothing normal about Ariana Kent. For five years I’ve been convincing myself that I did the right thing, that listening to Ari when she told us she was done with us and wouldn’t be coming to L.A. was the right thing to do. I thought she just was going through a phase when she blocked our numbers and never answered our emails, that she would come to her senses eventually. But when weeks turned into months, and months turned into years, it became blaringly obvious that we had lost her.