Discovering Sanity

by Emma Janson

  Two security guards stood on each side of Ignacio as they struggled to rubber cuff him. Buck felt the embarrassment Ignacio was going through as eyes around the room watched him jerk his arms away. He shouted at Ignacio to stop, and hoped he would understand that he only wanted a peaceful ending to the situation. His lover seemed to pick up something hidden in his tone, but nonetheless he let the officers cuff him as part of their protocol. All eyes in the room were bouncing back and forth between the fighters, disrupters of the craft room chi. Eventually, Ignacio and Belinda were escorted out with ample distance between them.

  Before leaving the room, Buck grabbed his lover’s painting, curious to see what he’d painted as the happiest moment in his life. After discovering a fire burning people out of a building, though, he was sickened, and ripped the image in half, and then quarters until the pieces were small enough to flutter like confetti into the trash. Now, he wondered, was their love crumbling into ashes of insanity?

  BOLD MOVE

  After their immature fight in the craft room, Ignacio and Belinda were escorted through the halls. They were taken to opposite sides of the main lobby until the situation could be verified and controlled. The cuffs held the arms of the hosts, but Juana and Maggie were in control of the bodies.

  Buck stood with crossed arms in the middle of the lobby with his firm butt cheeks touching the front of the receptionist’s desk. He was genuinely pissed. The patients who were already there could hear him snorting like a bull through his nose while his eyes swatted back and forth between the two of them. With a head nod, he gave permission to the guards to remove the rubber cuffs. “I’m gonna take these cuffs off ya’ll, but I don’t want to hear a peep until I ask some questions. You hear me?” They both nodded their heads yes, Maggie more timidly than Juana, whose head nod was a little more defiant. “What happened in there? Mrs. Koontz, you go first.”

  Juana rolled her eyes as she rubbed at raw skin around one wrist, where the rubber had ripped a band of hairs out from the skin. Maggie soothed the tender underside of her own tiny wrist in a downward stroke on the front of her shirt, which was still wet with blended color and an angry red handprint smear. Her annoying voice mumbled and whined at the same time. “Ignacio blackmailed me into stealing, and I won’t do it.” With perfect timing, Buck held his hand up to stop Juana from interrupting without taking his eyes off Mrs. Koontz, as if he knew an interruption was going to happen. Maggie’s eyes batted between his lifted arm and Juana, who was staring angrily from across the room, and then she continued. “I’m tired of being the small fish in a big pond, so Belinda stood up for me and he went bonkers!”

  Buck held his other hand up to signal a pause from her. She immediately stopped talking and positioned her body to stand in a demure, child-like position. In a strange pose of an open-armed crucifixion, Buck looked at Juana. “Is this true, Ms. Cheyez?” he asked. His voice was deep and firm with a twist of hidden emotion that only his lover and Juana picked up on, while the rest of the people in the room focused on his elongated, feminine ‘S’ consonants.

  Juana’s face sunk and jerked backward with the bitter sound of the formal name. It hurt more than anything to hear it that way, but the outward reaction was anger. She pushed her index finger into her chest with shock before she pronounced each syllable with interwoven hate. “Oh, is it my turn to speak now? Okay, fuck you, Magpie!” She lunged forward with her teeth pinching the bottom of her lip.

  Buck shouted for her to stop, and Juana did, and Maggie jumped in place, then spoke out of turn. “I’m going to keep praying for you, Buck, because other than your...homosexuality...you are a really good person.” The patients who were in the lobby didn’t know if they should stay or leave. Out of curiosity, the remaining patients began to filter toward the chaos.

  Juana lunged again. The security guard tensed with his hand around the Taser on his belt before Buck neutralized him with a taught straight arm that forced his fingers to spread so wide that the bottom of his hand looked white. “Stop!” his base roared through the lobby, bouncing endlessly off of every wall. He only had two arms, two hands, and a room full of jumpy people. His eyes bounced around the room, but it was too much chaos – and he knew he didn’t want to be the one in control anymore. With a low, sincere grumble, he said, “I’m done. I quit.”

  *****

  Buck had a good life working in a job that he loved, even if it was chaotic at times. His employers were welcoming and so good to him that it felt like they were family. With an indescribable force, he wanted to do the right things for their acceptance, but he was losing himself in his work. The fact was that, for a decade, he’d been very lonely, and internally sad for some unknown reason. Working here was the only thing that distracted him from his thoughts, which were sometimes too big for his head to wrap around. Where else in the world could he find employment with bosses who cared as much as they did? This had definitely been a factor in his longevity at Northern Lights.

  His job was good, and he appreciated the work, but what he desired and felt he deserved was overall joy and love. That’s all people really wanted, despite jokes about money, power, or making it rich. Watching a worldwide documentary about happiness, Buck had discovered that the happiest people on earth didn’t have much in terms of wealth and monetary goods. Nor did they have luxuries; in some cases, that meant they didn’t even have running water. Buck was that kind of a guy, though. Not the ‘I’ll-be-a-minimalist-and-find-joy’ guy, but the lonely one who on a Saturday night watched documentaries about happiness.

  Parental love or friendships aside, the human need for a partner had been completely absent in his life until the Mexican had arrived. Juana, the complex personality in clinical, had intrigued him. She’d fascinated him in a way that no other DID patient had before. He’d begun observing her from afar and made efforts to be around for checks or conveniently chatting with other staff members when she was nearby. This had been especially true after Ignacio had worked with counselors to suppress Juana and become the dominant personality again.

  Two and a half years had transformed into a fondness and familiarity he felt that was unmatched when it came to the other patients around him, both in and out of the clinical wing. Rather than indulging in self-desires, Buck was altruistic. He wanted Ignacio to be genuinely happy. He had many conversations with the staff and the Reeds about releasing Ignacio to general population, eventually becoming the major catalyst for making it happen.

  And after Ignacio had ‘admitted himself’, Buck had gotten the opportunity to get to know him on a personal level. He’d begun to understand who Ignacio was, and helped him break down emotional walls. Whether or not they were Juana’s demons was unknown, but sometimes people just needed to talk and feel like someone was listening for them to let it out. Buck and Ignacio had needed the friendship of each other; the love had come unexpectedly. It had never been definable.

  It perplexed the German psychologists monitoring Northern Lights activities and intrigued them at the same time. Where in the books could you look up: gay man becomes dead gay boyfriend and falls in love with two personalities of a DID patient? You couldn’t search that on the internet.

  Buck, thinking he was your average man making a living, was completely unaware that he was part of the epic novella at Northern Lights. He believed he was a person who just wanted happiness, like the happy toothless people smiling in Saturday night documentaries. After working with DID patients at Northern Lights for nearly a decade, Buck had been ready to meet someone who understood his job and understood him. The observation stage on the clinical side had opened him up to a possibility of love from the inside – that was the connection.

  It had hit so fast and so hard that every day had been like a punch in his chest that took his breath away. Their faces lit up when they saw each other. Their eyes lifted upward, their ears pulled back when they smiled, and a rush of blood pushed through the surface veins of their skin – making each of them glow when th
e other walked into the room. People could fight it all day long, but feelings of love did things to the heart and mind on a scientific, biological level. They could be measured by blood pressure elevations, hormonal secretions, and pupil dilations. There were things you could visually see when two people were in love. The researches had known it was happening before Buck and Ignacio had even admitted it.

  Buck knew it was worth it, insane ashes be damned, and it was time to take the next step. He’d had a good run working for Mr. and Mrs. Reed, but it was time in his life to move on. People were going to judge him no matter who his partner in life was, and being lonely for another ten years due to fear of judgment was not a happy option. In the lobby, once again breaking up fights, was not where he wanted to be.

  He addressed the patients, the staff, the guards and everyone in earshot. “I’m done. I quit. Ya’ll hear me?”

  INSANITY

  Buck continued to rub his forehead as he took a minute to relax behind his closed eyes. The other patients in the lobby dodged their eyes around, searching the small gathering for anyone who might have something to say in the seconds after Buck had announced he was quitting. The perplexed faces in the room watched him stand against the reception desk. Even the guards looked at the lead guard with the crooked nose for guidance, but he shrugged his shoulders and gently shook his head while still trying to follow the orders Buck had given moments earlier. But Buck had had enough, and it was over; his eleven-year stint was done. He’d let it all go the moment he said it, and now he began to hum a deep inaudible melody while everyone wondered if he was going to rub a hole in his forehead.

  Maggie leaned in to whisper to the guard on her left, asking him if, in fact, he was humming. Perplexed, the guard hesitantly nodded his head to confirm that he was – possibly. Maggie pulled back to her neutral position and polished the cross on her necklace, still dumbfounded as to how it was there. She pushed the pendant into her mouth and flicked her tongue on the bottom of the cross where Jesus’ feet would hang. The metal tasted divine.

  At first Buck’s humming seemed to sooth him as he rocked and drowned himself in the notes he had been listening to over the past few weeks. He continued to rub at his forehead as everyone waited with bated breath for what, they did not know. While the hushed room watched the rhythmic sway of his body, Buck lost himself in the darkness beneath his eyelids to wander in the music he had been rehearsing. A quiet, melodic harmony of guitars began to strum and get louder as the mariachi of three began to fill his head. He envisioned the trio playing in time on their instruments with beautiful large-brimmed hats that were traditional in style and elegance. When the melody slowed to a calming and yet perfectly timed chorus of guitar strums and the accompanying violins held the elongated note of introduction, Buck began to sing.

  His deep voice, smoother in song than it was in speech, and with an overall gently unexpected vibrato, waved through his first few notes, pleasantly surprising everyone in the room. The Spanish pronunciation of the lyrics seemed effortless, but the hours he’d spent practicing were how this had come to be. His intent had been to serenade Ignacio when the right time presented itself, but he felt compelled in this moment, and the presentation of his sincerity was evident. As he sang the first line, he slowly stepped to Juana as if no one else was watching, or judging.

  The translation was this: What beautiful eyes you have. Beneath those two eyebrows. What beautiful eyes you have. They want to look at me, but you won’t let them; not even to blink. Graceful Malaguenan.

  Everyone listened to each heartfelt note, shocked that this strange outburst was happening right before their eyes. Although no one in the room knew exactly what he was saying, the head guard standing next to Maggie pointed to his puckered lips and made a kissing sound as if he knew the song was a love ballad. Then he quietly mouthed – “I think he said kiss; he’s singing about kissing.” He was smug, but really had no clue. Maggie’s mouth dropped as she tilted her ear in the direction of his voice to let each beautiful sound enter her head. Something about it resonated within her, and she rubbed at her stomach, which felt warm and in knots.

  Buck’s face was soft and relaxed as he sang the first verse of serenading love. In the second verse, he sang with a little more conviction, making his eyebrows scrunch together and creating a deep yet sincere crevice between them.

  Kiss your lips; I wish I could, graceful Malaguenan. And to tell you, beautiful little girl, that you are stunning and bewitching like a rose.

  Juana was fidgeting uncomfortably as she scanned the lobby for disapproving eyes. No one was looking at her, as they were all fixed on the southern gay man singing a traditional mariachi song in Spanish. When he completed his walk to Juana, standing right in front of her, Buck placed his balled-up hand over his heart and sang another verse as he shook his head, emphasizing the words that he felt with every fiber of his body.

  If by being poor, you think less of me, I’ll give you a reason. I don’t offer you riches; I offer you my heart – in exchange for the things I lack.

  His voice began to waiver with emotion as Juana finally returned eye contact. Buck’s eyes slowly pooled with a swell of tears as he continued to sing a lyric in the song that demanded a fervent delivery. The passionate, loud notes required a deep breath, an open mouth, and a slight bend in the small of his back to push his words to the high ceilings of the Northern Lights lobby.

  For how much I would sing for her. Oh, for how much I would sing for her – for nothing!

  As he sang and moved closer, the guard next to Juana stepped away to allow the drama to unfold, as he, too, was mesmerized. Droplets of moisture popped out of Buck’s mouth as he clearly sang the consonants of each individual word. Then he paused to begin again with a softer, deeper, and more raw sincerity before finding his crescendo into a dramatic and elaborate finish.

  I told her that with just a kiss, one single kiss and a tender glance, my beautiful woman. That you are stunning and bewitching. Like a rose.

  He held out the note as he reached in to gently touch Juana’s cheek. His mind saw the moon-shaped scars Ignacio spoke of so many times as his fingertips brushed over dimples and facial stubble. The lobby was so quiet that the silence felt heavy in the room. Buck leaned in to Juana to make sure that what he was about to say would be private.

  “I’m in love, and I will help you both discover sanity.”

  Their moment was preserved, as the people around them couldn’t hear his baritone whisper.

  In the distance, a heavy footstep seemed to get louder and quicker. As the two men stood frozen, embracing in each other’s minds, an average, bowlegged black man stomped from a hallway into the lobby with his hand wrapped around the grip of a tiny, curvaceous ladies pistol.

  The Mexican’s disrespect over the past few months had been suppressed by a Christian man and his moral convictions, but Samuel didn’t follow these biblical rules. In fact, this suppression of anger by his host had only escalated his anger. The ornate, embossed etched gun entered the lobby before Samuel – who trailed behind it, a tight grip with one finger delicately hovering on the trigger. He took aim at his intended target when Maggie and the guards turned their heads to witness his actions. She opened her mouth to scream as the guard with the crooked nose reached for his Taser, but he was too slow, and Samuel put a bullet through the guard’s ribcage and accidently into Maggie’s shoulder. The horrific gurgling sounds the guard made in the seconds before he died were drowned by the screams of onlookers and by Maggie, who was holding her bloody shoulder and shrieking hysterically while pinned under the weight of the guard.

  Buck immediately spun around and held his hands out to tell Samuel to stop, but Samuel was after blood. “You Mexican bitch! Did you think I would let you get away with hitting me? I smelled her fucking strawberry shampoo!” He stepped harder and closer as he aimed the gun in Juana’s general direction. Buck thought quickly, using his long reach to grab the gun and jam his oversized finger bet
ween the trigger and sudden death. Samuel tried to pull back to shoot, but nothing happened. The remaining guards began to move in to subdue him, but they were fearful of being shot. Rather than get too close while Buck was still grappling with Samuel, they watched the scuffle ensue while they pretended like they were trying to step in. As Buck and Samuel wrestled in a circle, trying to punch and gain control of the pistol that latched them together, it somehow dislodged and spun off into a potted plant that was right next to Juana who immediately picked it up. In Juana’s persona, she was confident without second thoughts, because the Firestarter didn’t doubt. She was the rebellious gang member the newspapers wrote articles about. Although Buck had softened her, the woman she knew herself to be was unafraid of a pistol and definitely not afraid to put a bullet in a man who was attacking her love. Without hesitation she aimed the barrel and shot a bullet into the intertwining body parts of the two men. A spray of blood spewed outward from the center, dropping them both to the floor.

  Now in her own body, Belinda mustered enough energy to pick herself up from underneath the deceased crooked-nosed guard to run to Samuel, screaming for him to please not be dead. The bullet in her shoulder caused a burning sensation which made her howl in pain as she knelt by his face to repeat that they were going to have a baby, pleading in his ear. Her tears fell to the aged black skin around his eyes, which made him seem as if he too was crying, but Samuel was near death, and Mr. Jenkins refused to acknowledge her, instead calling out to his daughter in mumbled last breaths.

  The onlookers scurried and ran from the lobby, through hallways, outside the main door, and some even hid inside the smoking room for cover. The security guard who was about to retire shuffled his way into the reception desk area and pressed the emergency button as he watched Juana slump to the floor with the beautiful pistol in her hand. Her torso hit hard next to the body of Buck, who had a hole in his stomach that was oozing with dark blood. The guard aimed his Taser from behind the desk, but did not pull the trigger as the room hushed to an eerie calm, other than Belinda’s sobs between painful groans. He, too, was conflicted with the emotional explosion that was happening before him.