Something in the Way: A Forbidden Love Saga: The Complete Collection

by Hawkins, Jessica

“Have you at least narrowed it down?” I asked. “Last time we talked, you had a list of forty or so ideas.”

  “I tossed them all. Every single one.” Tiffany rolled her neck, stretching it side to side. “Nothing sounds right so far.”

  “How about naming her after Grandma Dolores?” I teased, knowing Tiffany hated the name.

  Val made a gagging noise. “Oh, God.”

  “Hey,” I said, scoffing at her. “You know my middle name is Dolly after my grandma.”

  “No, it’s not that,” she said, swallowing audibly as she moved Dum off her lap. Her complexion hadn’t warmed, and she did look a little pasty.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  “I was thinking about the whole process—getting pregnant, carrying it around for nine months, and then this like, thing comes shooting out of your vagina like a football.” Val shuddered. “How is that normal?”

  “At least you aren’t a dog. Blue had this thing we call a ‘water sac’ hanging out of her vulva for an hour before she pushed out five sticky little puppies in a row—”

  “I think I’m really going to be sick,” Val said, dropping her head between her knees.

  “Geez.” I leaned down to put the back of my hand against her clammy forehead. “What’s the matter?”

  “Should I get Robby?” Tiffany asked.

  “No. I’m fine.” Val shook her head. “I mean, I’m not, but I’m not supposed to say anything—but who cares, right?” She sat up again. “I’m freaking out, Lake. Can you tell? Like really freaking out.”

  I’d never seen Val so frazzled, and I’d been with her at her worst. “How come?”

  “I took a . . . ugh.” She removed her hat to fan herself, her spiral curls flapping with the breeze. “I should probably wait for Corbin to announce this.”

  “I’m here,” he said from the doorway between the den and kitchen. He smiled at Val. “Go ahead, babe.”

  “But it’s less than twelve weeks,” she said. “Isn’t that bad luck?”

  I dropped my jaw. It wasn’t possible. As far as I knew, Val didn’t even want kids. But apparently, that was becoming the quickest path to have them. “You’re . . .?”

  She nodded. “Pregnant.”

  I should’ve squealed with joy, or leapt up to hug my two best friends, or even acknowledged what she’d said. Instead, I stared at her with an open mouth. I didn’t see her as Val right then, the girl who’d befriended me when I’d needed someone in my corner. The one who’d always pushed me to be the best version of myself, even when I was at my worst. My best friend in the entire world. I only saw another person who’d gotten something she hadn’t even wanted—something I’d wanted. And all I could think was . . .

  Are you fucking kidding me?

  15

  Val twisted her hands in her lap, rushing out an explanation, as if she felt guilty. “I don’t know if I’m pregnant for sure. I missed my period, so I took a test and it was positive.” She shifted on the couch. “But we haven’t been to a doctor yet. It could be a false alarm.”

  “Oh my God, come by Robby’s office,” Tiffany said. “Our kids will be friends. Even if we’re not!”

  “It was an accident,” Val said to me as if she needed to explain. “Corbin and I are still getting to know each other.”

  “You’ve known each other forever,” I said, my voice sounding distant and foreign even to my own ears.

  “Not this way. We’ve only been dating a year and a half.” She and Corbin exchanged a look. “I’m not ready, I know I’ll fuck it up—I mean, I just said fuck and Tiffany’s baby probably heard it through her stomach—she has ears by now, right?” She paused, as if expecting one of us to answer. “I don’t even know,” she continued, “because I’m completely clueless about this kind of stuff. Oh my God. I’ll be a terrible mom.”

  “I’m not worried,” Corbin said, tucking his hair behind his ear with a shrug. “We’re going to be killer parents, Val.”

  The calm confidence in Corbin’s voice should’ve soothed all of us, but Val still looked sick. And me? My palms were getting clammy, too. Was I supposed to feel better that this was an accident? Because somehow, that seemed worse. She didn’t even want this baby. But I did, and so did Manning, and we’d been through a lot. We needed this. We had ways of molding the universe to meet our demands, so why couldn’t we do it? How was that fair?

  Was there anyone who didn’t get knocked up at the drop of a hat? At this rate, the people in my life were going to overpopulate the entire west coast.

  “You going to ralph again?” Corbin asked Val.

  She shook her head. “I think it’s passing.”

  “I’ll get you a ginger ale,” he said, heading for the kitchen.

  Val kept looking at me as if gauging my reaction. This wasn’t about me. It wasn’t. It couldn’t be. She hadn’t done this to hurt me, but it sure felt that way. I moved my hand, which felt about fifty pounds, and put it on her knee. “Don’t worry. You’re going to be great. And new moms are supposed to fuck up, so you’re basically a natural.”

  “You better decide if you’re getting married now or after,” Tiffany said. “You don’t want to look like I do on the most important day of your life.”

  “We’re not getting married,” she said.

  Tiffany wrinkled her nose. “Ever?”

  “Ever.” Dee and Dum ran circles around the couch, stopping every few seconds to whine at us. “It’s a dumb tradition. No offense, but it’s not for me.”

  “I want to be a wife as much as I do a mom,” Tiffany said, shrugging. “But whatever. I guess Lake is the only one doing it the right way.”

  Yet I’d been the only one ready and willing—and actively trying—to do it out of order. “There’s no right or wrong way,” I said quietly.

  “Corbin was such a playboy for so long,” Tiffany said. “I can’t picture him as a dad.”

  “Me neither,” Val said.

  I could. Corbin had been ready to shed the bachelor life years ago, and from what I’d seen firsthand at Young Cubs and heard about baseball camp, he had a way with kids. Just like Manning. Manning—where was he? He would find out about this, and what would he think? How could he hear Val was pregnant and have any other reaction than to wonder why I wasn’t? How much longer until he started to question what was wrong with his wife?

  I breathed through my nose to regulate my heartbeat. I couldn’t stop staring at Dum as he gnawed and tugged on Val’s pant leg. I was a bad friend. I should’ve been more excited for Val, or probed into the fears I knew she harbored about marriage, or made her admit she could see Corbin as a dad, because she’d definitely lied about that. But I couldn’t bring myself to do anything but feel sorry for myself.

  “I better take the dogs out again,” I said, needing fresh air as much as a moment to myself. Somehow, I managed to stand on stiff legs. “My mom’ll have a fit if they pee on the new rug.”

  “Want me to do it?” Val asked, bending down for Dum. “I mean, let’s be honest, I think this one is mine.”

  “No,” I exclaimed, snatching him before Val could. He wasn’t hers. Not yet. “I’ll only be a second. Sit with Tiff in case her water breaks or something.”

  “Not in your father’s favorite chair,” my mom called from the kitchen.

  Tiffany scoffed. “You’re putting me on labor watch? I can’t get a second alone as it is.”

  Val tilted her head at me. “Are you okay?” she asked, her expression dripping with pity.

  “Totally. I’m so happy for you.” I smiled, leaning over to hug her as the puppy squirmed between us. “I just can’t believe it. Congratulations. I’m . . . so happy for you.”

  I was losing the ability to hold myself together, repeating myself and fighting off tears. I turned to leave so fast, I almost mowed over Corbin. “Whoa-a-a,” he said, stumbling back.

  “Sorry,” I muttered, dodging around him. I whistled for the other puppies. Lady bounded out of my dad’s study and met us at th
e back door. When I let them loose and set Dum down, they went galloping across the backyard as I latched the pool gate. I went around the side of the house to get plastic bags from the recycling bin, then returned to sit on a short wall hiding the pool pump.

  Tweedledee and Tweedledum tussled, somersaulting around the grass. Was this my future? Seeing my sister, cousins, friends, acquaintances through their pregnancies? Hiding my gynecologist visits from my husband? Raising Blue’s litters? If so, maybe we didn’t need to spay her after all. Would these puppies be my only babies? And here I was, giving them away.

  “I’m concerned you’re infertile, Mrs. Sutter. Based on the information you provided and the cysts I found, it appears to be endometriosis. Let’s discuss your next steps.”

  Just remembering my doctor running through our options, my uterus ached. I pressed my hand against my lower abdomen, trying to ease the throb. I thought back to all the times I’d asked Manning to love me. Choose me. It never occurred to me I might not be able to give him a family.

  The backdoor opened and closed behind me. I kept my eyes on the dogs and tried to muster a smile. Otherwise, Manning would start asking questions—but it turned out to be Corbin who’d come looking for me.

  He handed me a can of ginger ale. “You looked a little sick yourself.”

  “Thanks,” I said, flicking the tab.

  “Are you pregnant, too?” He sat on the wall. “Because that would be pretty dope if you guys had babies at the same time.”

  “No.” I opened the can and took a long fizzy sip that made my nose tingle. In the silence that followed, I realized how curtly I’d answered him. “But I’m so happy for you guys.”

  “You said that already. A few times.” He bumped me with his shoulder. “Is there some reason you wouldn’t be happy?”

  I peered into the can as if it held all the answers. “Of course not.”

  “Yeah, because this kid is practically yours. You’ll be like its second mom.”

  “I know.” I smiled thinking about how the baby would surely come out tan and blond like his or her mom and dad. It was a warm, sunshine-filled thought until reality came crashing down. Manning’s son or daughter probably would’ve been the opposite. Dark. Pensive. A presence that turned your head.

  “You okay?” Corbin asked, rubbing my back.

  I tried to answer, but my throat was too tight. I shook my head, forming a fist against my thigh.

  “This isn’t about us, is it?” he asked. “Haven’t you and Manning talked about kids? Is he being a dick about it?”

  “No. It’s not that. We’re ready.”

  “Are you scared?”

  “No more than any normal person would be.” I would be a natural mom. I’d always felt that way, which was why not being able to get pregnant seemed so wrong to me. I rubbed my nose. “I’m not scared, actually.”

  “Then what is it?”

  I toed the grass with my Converse. Though Manning and I had acknowledged here and there that pregnancy was taking longer than we’d expected, I hadn’t talked to anyone but my doctor about the endometriosis. “I don’t know.”

  He leaned his elbows on his knees. “So you’ve been trying?”

  “Since before the wedding.”

  Lady rolled around on the grass as Tweedledee flopped down next to her, panting.

  Corbin counted on his fingers. “Is that longer than normal to not get pregnant?” he asked. “I don’t know anything about this.”

  “Kaplan women are extremely fertile,” I said, imitating my dad’s voice.

  “Oh, fuck that, Lake,” Corbin said. “It doesn’t mean anything.”

  “Except it does. We actually threw out the birth control over a year ago.” I twisted my lips, then drank a little more soda. “It’s longer than normal.”

  I didn’t want to mention the doctor’s visit, to say the diagnosis aloud. It would make it too real, and Manning was the only person who needed such intimate details about my health. “It’s not going to be an easy path for us . . . if it happens at all.”

  “No way,” he said. “You’re meant to be a mom, Kaplan—sorry—Sutter. I feel it in my gut.”

  “And my gut says something’s wrong.”

  “Ignore it.” Corbin rubbed his palms together. “It’ll happen for you. You’re good at going after what you want. Nobody can deny that.”

  That was true, and hadn’t it paid off in the past? This wasn’t the time to surrender, but the alternative was armoring myself for another uphill battle. “Sure.”

  “Have you guys discussed adoption?”

  “Me and my doctor?”

  “You and Manning.”

  “Oh. No.”

  “Why not? You’re so passionate about rescues—”

  “We’re talking about babies, not dogs.” The idea of adoption hadn’t even entered my thoughts. I wasn’t ready to consider alternatives. So, I supposed that meant I wasn’t giving up just yet. “I don’t think Manning would go for it.” Protect, provide, mate. “He wants his own children.”

  “He said that?” Corbin sounded surprised. “That’s kind of shitty considering it’s not really something you can control. And since when is adopting not the same as having a child?”

  “No, no,” I said quickly. “He didn’t say that, and of course we feel that way. Especially considering his relationship with his aunt and Henry. I know it’s not what he wants for us, though.”

  Corbin took my soda and sipped. “Is he not being supportive? Because I can talk to him. A buddy of mine in New York is going through the adoption process.”

  With my palms on the wall, I dug my nails into the concrete. “We haven’t talked about it yet, the possibility of a problem. Definitely don’t bring it up.”

  “You haven’t talked about it?”

  “No.” I pulled back. “It’s not something you just come out and tell your new spouse. ‘Sorry I’m barren, but you’re stuck with me now.’”

  “Hey. Come on.” He put an arm around me, nestling me into his side. “You’re not barren.”

  Corbin wouldn’t be so optimistic if he knew what the doctor had said. I was tempted to unload it all on him, but that wouldn’t be fair to Manning. The backs of my eyes heated with unshed tears. “What if I am? How do I tell him?”

  “That dude is obsessed with you and everything you do. He’d never feel stuck with you—but I guarantee he’d hate that you’re going through this alone. Tell him.”

  “But—”

  “Tell him. Let him be there for you.”

  “He’ll be so disappointed.” A few tears slid down my cheeks, and I wiped them away, frustrated. “We’ve been talking about this since New York, Corbin. Before we were even official. We want children, and for him, it’s like a biological need.”

  “He’ll have to get over it.” Corbin kissed the top of my head. “What other choice does he have?”

  We sat that way watching the dogs for a few more minutes. There was nothing else to say. Corbin couldn’t change the situation, and the more I talked to him about it, the more real it became. I had to be honest with Manning. He would want to know, and besides, we needed to start discussing our options. Just because one door might be closed didn’t mean it was all over for us.

  “You don’t really tell Val she makes too many jokes, do you?” I asked.

  He chuckled. “Humor as a defense mechanism?”

  “Yep.”

  “I never said that. But I do want us to connect on all levels, and sometimes that means she has to drop the act.” He pinged the tab of the can with his thumbnail. “I’m guilty for not seeing her earlier than I did, but I also think she didn’t want me to. She tried extra hard to keep me from knowing how she felt.”

  I nodded slowly. “Even I didn’t know. How do you feel about not getting married?”

  “Honestly?” He handed me back the ginger ale and straightened up to pull his hair back into a ponytail. “I like the idea of doing the whole big thing like you guys, but it’s
not a deal breaker for me. If she doesn’t want it, it’s cool, as long as she isn’t going anywhere.”

  I squinted at Dum as his front half disappeared into a bush. He wagged his tail and whined, trying to get to something. Probably a lizard. “Are you sure she doesn’t want it?”

  “No.” He shrugged. “She’s fucked up over her dad leaving her mom. She’s scared. She even talked about having an abortion.”

  I lost my breath a little. It wasn’t all that surprising—she’d always valued her independence. And even though it was painful to think she might decide not to have a baby when I didn’t have that choice, I had no right to judge her. The day Manning had left New York, Val had gotten me to Planned Parenthood for a morning-after pill when I’d rather have cried myself to sleep. Maybe that’d been my only chance to have Manning’s child. Or maybe I’d always been broken. My gut smarted.

  “Sorry,” Corbin said. “That was probably insensitive considering what you’re going through.”

  I tried to push my own feelings aside because Val was my family. I knew from our conversations that she was in it for the long haul with Corbin. “She’s just scared.”

  “I know.”

  “Please tell me you talked her out of it.”

  “Can’t talk that girl out of anything,” he said. “I had to let her get there on her own, but I knew she would. We’re having this baby.”

  “Wow.” I blew out a breath and with it, a tiny bit of my resentment. “I can’t believe it.”

  “See what I’m dealing with? Heavy stuff.” He shook his head with a laugh. “The deeper it is, the funnier she seems to get.”

  “Ah. The defense mechanism.” I elbowed his arm, purposely avoiding the ribs this time. “You’re right. Maybe a few less jokes would do her good.”

  “I think so,” he agreed, hopping off the wall to stretch above his head. “Anyway, ain’t nothing funny about unplanned pregnancy.”

  I shielded my eyes from the sun to look up at him, and we both broke into laughter. Maybe it was a tiny bit funny.

  I finished off my drink and called for the dogs. When Corbin opened the back door, they sprinted inside. Manning wasn’t in the kitchen or study, so I returned to the den. While Val and Tiffany compared notes on morning sickness, my dad read the Sunday paper in a recliner next to Tiffany’s.