by Laura Pavlov
I spent the next few hours placing orders at the winery and rushing from one meeting to the next, avoiding the girl who haunted my thoughts. I settled behind my desk to check emails when someone knocked on the door.
“It’s open,” I called out, my eyes remaining on my monitor.
“Hey. I have those invoices for you. Your mom said to get them to you today.” Laney strode through the door wearing a white dress that ended just above her knees. Her hair tumbled down her chest in blonde, beautiful waves. Her blue eyes sparkled, and the light coming through my office window shined around her like a goddamned halo.
She was an angel.
My angel.
I thought about what her mother said about Laney not being the same since our breakup. I understood it. Because I wasn’t the same. Hadn’t been since the day she left.
“Yeah, thanks,” I said, reaching for the papers, and purposely grazing my fingers along her hand. Craving that closeness. A zip of electricity coursed through my veins at the mere contact, scorching and blazing. My need for this woman was unexplainable.
She yanked her hand away as if she’d been burned. Laney didn’t want to be around me, obviously touching her was out of the question. Her cheeks pinked, and she let out a long, labored breath.
“Okay, then. Do you need anything else?” she asked.
I motioned for her to sit in the chair in front of my desk. “How did your mom do these past few days?”
“She did well. I mean, she’s tired. A little nauseous even with the anti-nausea meds, but you know her—she’s a trouper.”
“Yeah. She is. I’m glad to hear it’s going well. And they’ll do surgery once they shrink the tumor?” I asked.
“Yes. She’ll do the chemo for a couple weeks and then have surgery. Thanks again for letting us take the helicopter. It helps a lot. We get there and back so much quicker. You haven’t joined us. You don’t have any work in the city you need to do?”
“Nah. Ford and Jack have it covered for now, and babysitting those two gets exhausting,” I said, rolling my eyes.
“Still breaking up all their squabbles, huh?” She laughed.
“Yes. I don’t think that’ll ever change. But they’re grown men, they can figure it out. And there’s a lot going on here. How’d your first few days go?”
“Really well. It’s busy, and I like the distraction.”
“You were working for a hotel back in Chicago, right?” I inquired. I wanted to know more about who Laney was now. Hell, I wanted to know everything.
“Yes. I worked my way up to event planner. It’s pretty much my dream job,” she said, tucking her hair behind her ear. I wanted to run my fingers through her silky waves. Taste her sweet mouth. Touch her soft skin.
Jesus. Get a grip, man.
“So, you graduated from Columbia,” I said, clearing my throat. “And then what took you to Chicago?”
She fidgeted in the chair and clasped her hands together. “Well, I wanted to get out of New York, and I knew I didn’t want to come home. I always loved Chicago. You know that. And Natalie was moving there with Jared—you remember them, right?”
Natalie was Laney’s best friend, and Jared had started dating her right before I left Columbia. I didn’t know him well, but I’d always liked Natalie. So, Laney moved to a city where she only knew two people, all to avoid coming back home? All to avoid me? There was more to this, but she certainly wasn’t going to be forthcoming with me.
“Yes, of course I remember them. So, they stayed together, huh?” I asked.
“Yeah. They’re really great together.”
“And I know how much you like Chicago. You almost went to Northwestern.”
She nodded. “Almost.”
I shook off the feeling that she resented me for choosing to go to Columbia. I’d wanted to attend there ever since my family took a trip to New York. Their business school was one of the best in the country. It was a no-brainer. But Laney and I didn’t want to do the long-distance thing, so she’d gone with me to Columbia. And for what? I left. We didn’t end up together anyway. Her mom was right. She’d given up her own dreams to follow mine.
“So, where’d you meet your fiancé? Is it Charles?” I didn’t look at her when I said his name. I never knew it was possible to hate a person that I didn’t even know, but I did.
She cocked her head to the side. “You really want to do this?”
“Yes. I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t.”
“Okay. His name is Charlie. He’s from Chicago. He’s a great guy. I think you’d like him.” Her tongue swiped out to wet her bottom lip and I nearly came out of my seat. I forced myself to stay put. My hands gripped the edge of my desk and I looked down to see the whites of my knuckles.
“You didn’t meet him at school?”
“No. I met him after I moved to Chicago. Why?”
“I just assumed you dated him when you went back to school and then moved together to Chicago.”
“You know what happens when you assume. And why does it matter when I met him anyway? We weren’t together. We weren’t even speaking,” she said, her tone harsh. Laced with anger.
“Well, you blocked me from all social media when you got back to school, and you never took my calls when I reached out, so I figured you had a boyfriend.”
She leaned forward in her seat. Face hard. Eyes steel. “Wrong, Harrison. You didn’t take my call.”
“Hell, Laney. You called me the day after you left. I figured it would complicate things if we spoke too soon. I thought we should wait a couple months. Let things settle.”
She pushed to her feet. “I’m done with this conversation. I need to get home. Do you need anything else from me?”
I studied her. Her face was flushed, her hands fisted at her sides.
“No. That’ll be it for today.”
She turned on her heels and walked out the door.
What the hell was that? Every time I thought I was taking a few steps forward, it seemed like I got bitch-slapped back to square one.
To that day that changed everything.
I still remembered it as if it were yesterday and not five years ago. Every detail engrained in my head. Laney and I had been hanging out in my room that day after a few hours of playing tennis. I hadn’t been myself since Dad’s accident and I was struggling with how to tell her about my plans.
“You sure you’re okay?” Laney asked, rolling on her side in my bed to face me.
“Sure.”
“Harrison, I know you. What’s going on?”
I didn’t want her to be disappointed. But I’d made up my mind and I’d been putting it off for a few days.
“I, um, I’m not going back to school,” I blurted.
“What? We’re leaving in a few days. You’re not going back? Why? How? What does this mean?” Laney pushed to sit up and tugged her hand away from me.
I’d expected the reaction. We’d had a plan. We always did. And I’d changed course. It wasn’t fair to her, but I needed to do it for my family.
“Listen, Laney. The closer we get, the more I know that I can’t leave. Not now. I can’t do that to my mom. I can’t. And Ford, Jesus Christ, he’s a mess. He blames himself. How do I fly across the country and leave them?”
Tears streamed down her beautiful face. “Okay. Then I won’t go either. We’ll just go to school here.”
I vividly remember being relieved. I couldn’t leave my family and I didn’t want to be apart from Laney. My father’s death rocked our world, and everyone was a mess. When it was time to return to school, it had been almost three months since his accident, but the wounds were still fresh. Still raw. I wasn’t myself. None of us were. And Laney was my lifeline. She kept me above water. And I wanted my girl with me.
“Are you sure?” I asked, pulling her back down on the bed an
d kissing her hard.
“Yes. I’m positive. I don’t want to be away from you.”
So fucking sweet. I was completely okay with her staying back with me. It was selfish, but I was drowning, and I couldn’t see straight. My mom struggled to get out of bed most days back then, and Ford was a shell of himself. Jack had completely jumped ship on his plans for the future, and my family was struggling to keep it together.
“I’m sorry, baby. I just can’t leave them right now.”
“I get it. I wouldn’t want to leave either.”
“Jack told us this morning that he doesn’t want to try to go pro in the future anymore. He wants to finish playing for SC and then come work for the family business.”
My baby brother had talked about playing for the NFL since the first time he spiraled a football at my head. Back then, there’d been talk about him leaving after his sophomore year at the University of Southern California to go pro. He’d been all about it. That’s all he and Dad talked about. But after the accident, he said he wanted to stay close. Going to school in LA would allow him to come home often, and he’d decided after graduation he wouldn’t pursue football. So much had changed in such a short time.
“Wow. That’s all he’s ever talked about doing.”
“Yep. But it’s a grind. He wouldn’t have a say in where he lived, and he couldn’t just come home when he wanted. He doesn’t want to do that to Mom. I get why he’s doing it; I just hope he doesn’t regret it later. And we’re all worried about Ford.”
“Do you think you’ll regret giving up Columbia later?” she asked, chewing the inside of her cheek.
“No. My family needs me. I have to do this. But you don’t, Laney.” I pushed the hair away from her face.
“You need me. I want to be with you.”
My chest squeezed as I thought back to that conversation. I’d been a selfish bastard. At that point, I was just trying to get through life one day at a time. I’d never faced any sort of adversity before my father’s death. I hadn’t realized how uncomplicated and easy my life had been up until then. Hell, I’d never wanted for anything. I worked hard, sure. But opportunities always came my way. Always had. I had an amazing family. Loving and caring. I had the perfect girlfriend, who I’d known my entire life. I couldn’t have asked for more.
But after Dad’s accident—everything changed. In the blink of an eye. My life shattered into a million little pieces. My father’s death affected me profoundly. He’d been my constant throughout my life, my voice of reason, and now I was lost. And the pain it caused my mother, my brothers—at times it was more than I could bear. But there were responsibilities waiting. Shoes to fill. We were all struggling to make it through the day back then. We’d been forced to grow up fast. The absence of one man had caused the earth to crumble beneath our feet. I didn’t know how to repair that. How to keep it together.
“Okay. Well, take some time to think about it.”
“I don’t need to. I’m staying. I’m going home to talk to my parents. I need to withdraw from Columbia and sign up for classes here. We can just go to community college and then transfer into UCSF or USF.”
I nodded. It was wrong to ask this of her. But Laney was stubborn and when she set her mind to something, there was no talking her out of it.
“Okay.”
She kissed me hard and pushed to her feet. “Love you. Call me later.”
I can still remember watching her walk toward the door, her white tennis skirt swooshing back and forth as she turned to leave. That was the last moment we shared before I rocked both of our worlds.
I was lying on my bed with my eyes closed wondering if I’d ever feel normal again. Grief was vicious that way. It swallowed you whole and wrapped you up tight, not allowing you to see light at the end of the tunnel.
A constant sadness set up permanent residence in my chest. An overwhelming feeling of loss.
And a knock on my door was the beginning of the wheels coming off the cart.
“Come in,” I called out.
“Hi, sweetheart,” Mom said. Dark circles framed her gaze, and her sunken cheeks made it obvious she wasn’t eating much.
“Hey.” I pushed to sit up and she came in and dropped down at the foot of my bed.
“So, we haven’t even talked about you leaving for school. I can’t believe it’s already August.”
“Yeah. I was going to speak to you tonight. I’m not going back, Mom. I can’t. I’m going to community college until I can transfer into a university in the city. I need to be close to home.”
She studied me for a few seconds before speaking. “Okay.”
I recall being completely stunned by her reaction. I’d been prepared for a fight. Mom had never been big on not seeing something through. She always insisted we finish what we started. But that day, she’d appeared—relieved.
“Good. I’m glad you understand.”
“I do. I just think we all need one another right now. Jack has to go back tomorrow. This going back and forth with football practice and trying to be in two places at once is too much for him. We will go to as many games as we can, and he’ll come home often. Even if just for one night,” Mom said, her voice cracking as she spoke. She swiped at her cheek with the sleeve of her shirt.
I pulled her close and wrapped my arms around her. “It’ll be okay. I promise.”
She looked up at me and nodded. “What about Laney?”
“She’s going to stay home too.”
Mom turned to look at me with surprise. “Her parents are okay with that? I don’t see them just letting her leave school to support you. She’s got two years left. Do you think that’s the best plan for her?”
I sat back and took in a long breath. “I don’t know. I want to be with her, but I can’t leave right now.”
“I understand that, honey. I think that’s what you need to do under the circumstances. But Laney needs to do what’s best for her. Not what’s best for us.”
I shrugged. I didn’t know what to do. I pushed to my feet. “I’m going to go talk to her, make sure this is what she wants.”
“You may need to help her through this, Harrison. She tends to put you first most of the time.” Mom gave me a knowing look and I turned to leave.
I’d walked to the Landers’ house, as it wasn’t far up the road and I needed time to clear my head. When I made my way up the paved path, Sam was just coming out of the house.
“How are you doing, bud?” he asked, as he walked toward his car. His gaze filled with empathy, the way everyone looked at us now. I wondered if that would ever change.
“I’m all right. Where are you off to?”
“Going to meet some friends for dinner. Go on in, they’re upstairs. Good luck. Laney just dropped a bomb and they aren’t happy.”
I nodded. “Yeah. That’s what I came to talk to her about.”
“I don’t think she’ll change her mind unless you force the issue. You know how she gets.”
I ran a hand through my hair and leaned back in my chair, gazing out the window at the grape fields. I hated thinking back to that day. I’d watched Sam drive off and made my way up the front porch and into the Landers’ house. It had always been a second home to me.
A door slammed upstairs, and I froze in place. Maybe I should come back later.
“Laney Mae, you’re acting ridiculous,” Lyla shouted, her voice carrying down the stairs.
“Come on, sweetie. We just need you to hear us out,” her father said.
“I’m staying,” Laney said, and I heard the door creak open.
“Listen to me. You have two years invested at Columbia. You’ve taken out student loans, and you’ve invested a lot into this education to just throw it away,” her mother said.
“I’m not throwing it away. I’ll transfer somewhere after I do a semester at community co
llege. It’s not a big deal. Harrison needs me.”
“Honey, that doesn’t mean you need to leave school. You can still be there for him from New York. You can talk every day,” Dave Landers said.
“I’m not doing the long-distance thing, Dad. That never works.”
“Sweetheart, have you ever stopped to think about what you want? You wanted to go to Northwestern, but you chose Columbia because it’s what Harrison wanted. And right now, his family needs him, and I respect that he’s going to stay home to help his mother through this. But that doesn’t mean you need to leave school and throw it all away. You’ve already registered. Who knows how much this will cost you to withdraw? We aren’t the Montgomerys, sweetheart. We aren’t made of money. You know how much we love Harrison, but he’s all you’ve ever known. Maybe the time apart will be good for both of you. He’s been your best friend, your only boyfriend, and maybe it’s time to spread your wings. There’s a big world out there, honey. You need to experience some things on your own. If it’s meant to be, you’ll find your way back to one another.” Lyla’s words cut me deep. But there was truth in what she said, and I hated it. She was right.
“How dare you say that,” Laney shouted through her hysterics. “I’ll run away. I’ll move in with the Montgomerys. I swear I will.”
Jesus. It was a lot to process at the time. The thought of what I was doing to their family? I loved the Landers. I realized in that moment how selfish I’d been, letting Laney go along with what I wanted all this time. I couldn’t think straight as the reality of it all set in.
My mother needed me. My brothers needed me.
And Laney Landers needed me to set her free.
And that’s exactly what I did.
I slipped out the front door and walked back home and prepared what I’d say when I ripped both our hearts out.
My heart was already broken after the loss of my father, by the devastation I saw on my mother’s face every day, the grief consuming Ford, and the broken spirit I saw Jack trying to hide.