by Toni Aleo
“Because I get you, the same way you get me. I don’t understand why you fight this. We have been happy the last couple of days. Why fight that?”
“Because it is not right. This is fake, this is going to end, I don’t want to lead you on.”
She wanted to scream.
“I don’t understand how it is leading me on when everything you do is from your heart, even if you don’t want it to be. May I remind you we are here getting these state-of-the-art images because of you, because you cared enough to do this for me, for us.”
The door opened and in came their ultrasound tech. She may have said something but Piper was furious. How dare he? He knew what he was doing and she hated the fact that with all that had passed between them he was now putting up his walls again. He frustrated the living shit out of her and she wanted to wring his neck, but first she needed to know what their baby was.
Then they could have it out with each other.
The tech, Rachel, explained to them what was about to happen. Neither Piper nor Erik had any questions so Piper leaned back and took a deep breath in as Rachel lifted her shirt up. Looking down Piper swore she had gotten bigger. Everything was changing so quickly, and the truth was that it scared her to the core. She had thought things were changing between her and Erik, but it seemed that even if they were, Erik wasn’t going to let it happen. He wasn’t going to be there after the baby was born. He was going to leave her, and it was going to hurt.
Closing her eyes, she took in a sharp breath as Rachel put some warm gel on her belly. Suddenly she wanted to stop this; she wanted to run to the nearest bathroom and just cry. She knew Erik cared, she had seen and felt his concern for her, so why did he continue to push her away? What was he hiding? She shouldn’t allow him to ruin the most exciting time in her life; finding out the gender of her child was more important than Erik’s indecisiveness. It’s just that he confused her. Sometimes he could be the biggest ass in the world and other times he could do something so considerate it was shocking, and it wasn’t when they were play-acting for the family, either. There was something more to his actions and dammit, she would find out what it was … after she found out her baby’s sex.
When she felt a warm hand go into hers, she opened her eyes to find him looking at her. He bit down on his lip before letting out a long breath.
Moving in close to her, his nose tickled her cheek as he whispered, “Don’t let what happened ruin this. We’ve been waiting for this for a while, so come on, don’t be mad at me.”
He pulled back and squeezed her hand, totally confusing her. She just didn’t get it. Why say those things, why try, if he had one foot out the damn door? He was by far the most confusing man on this earth, and that said a lot because Piper had had her share of confusing men way before him. She knew he was right, though, so she nodded and turned her head to look at the screen.
When she saw what she was sure was her baby, tears clouded her eyes. As the probe moved around her belly, they saw different angles of their child. It seemed to have all four limbs and one head, thankfully. Maybe some hair, too, from what Rachel said. It looked normal, perfect.
“We are finding out what we are having, right?” Rachel asked.
Piper nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”
Rachel smiled as she moved the probe and paused so they could see what was projected on the screen. Piper found it hard to breathe as she had waited forever for this moment, and here she was. Erik’s hand in hers, their baby on the screen, his legs wide open for the world to see. Tears rushed down Piper’s face as her heart started to beat harder than a drum.
“I think that speaks for itself,” Rachel said, laughing.
Piper smiled as she turned her head to look at Erik. His brow was to his hairline and he looked confused as he looked over at her.
“What is it? Is that the baby’s leg or something?”
Piper rolled her eyes as she squeezed his hand.
“It’s our boy’s penis.”
* * *
A boy?
Taking in shuddering breaths, Erik looked at the screen and then at Piper’s belly before glancing back at the screen where his son sat with his legs apart. He started to get that itchy feeling in his eyes and he refused to identify it; he just kept staring at his son. Looking back at Piper, seeing her beautiful flushed face as her eyes dripped with tears, he felt like his chest was opening and everything was falling out.
A boy, their boy.
“A boy.”
“A boy!” Rachel repeated, “A big boy, too. He’s got some girth to him. How far along are you?”
“Twenty-eight weeks, tomorrow,” Piper answered as Erik’s chest shook with the pounding of his head.
“He’s a tad bit bigger than that, but he is healthy and beautiful; look at those cheeks.”
Erik did and smiled when he realized that they were Piper’s cheeks. “He has your cheeks.”
“And your nose,” she pointed out with a grin, “He’s perfect. God, that sounds awesome to call him a he. I’ve been calling him an it for, like, ever!”
Him. He. Boy.
Erik was having a son.
* * *
The whole way back to Sweetbriar, Piper was on the phone calling and texting everyone while Erik drove in silence. He couldn’t believe it. He was having a boy. A little guy that would be rough and tough, who would want to play hockey and grow up to be just like Erik. For some reason, Erik had convinced himself that the baby would be a girl, but it wasn’t. He was a boy, his boy. He was just so damn happy, and worried, too, that he might turn out like his father.
Jasha was a horrible father, the meanest asshole in the world, and he left Erik with deep scars, physically and mentally. How was he supposed to be there and show his son how to be a good man when he didn’t know how to be one? It didn’t matter what anyone else thought he was, because he knew. Erik knew what he was, and no matter how much he wanted to believe Piper, he couldn’t. He was going to fuck up, just like Jasha had.
When his phone rang, Erik dug it out of his pocket to see that it was Cooper. Jakob must have called him, and guilt filled Erik when he thought that he should have been the one to call him once they left the clinic. Hitting the answer button, Erik said, “Hey, Dad.”
“Hey, buddy! A boy!”
Erik smiled and repeated, “A boy.”
“This is great; we’ll teach him to play once he’s old enough to skate, and don’t worry I’ll go with Piper to the hockey games so that the baby is taught how to play by someone that knows the game. No offense to Piper, she is beautiful but I doubt she knows a lick about hockey. Man, this is great, Erik, really great. You know we have a special place in our hearts for boys.”
Erik felt like his chest was closing in. This man loved two kids that weren’t even his and Erik was scared he could never love a child that was his. With a heavy heart, Erik muttered, “Yeah.”
Cooper paused and then cleared his throat. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Erik lied, but he knew Cooper didn’t believe him.
“Don’t lie to me, son. I’m here, remember? Is it because Piper is there?”
“Sure,” Erik muttered. “I’m just freaking out a little.”
Erik listened as Cooper took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Your mom was going to tell you this, but I’m going to save you the conversation with her and just tell you that we’ll be in Nashville tomorrow. We want to come stay with you guys for two days and then with Jakob. I think you need me, Erik, so I am going to be there.”
Erik didn’t say anything as his eyes started to do that stupid itching thing again. It was starting to get on his nerves and he blamed Piper for it. It was her fault he was turning into a pansy. His dad was right, though, he did need him. Clearing his throat, he said, “Yeah, that would be great.”
“Awesome. We’ll see you tomorrow.”
Erik agreed to text them Piper’s address and then said bye before hanging up the phone. Piper was playing on he
r phone as she grinned from ear to ear. She was so happy, and if he allowed himself to be, he could be, too, but he was so scared. How does someone love someone when he didn’t grow up with love? A child needed those core values and Erik didn’t know those until later in life. Man, he was so fucked.
“Did I hear that your parents are coming in tomorrow? That’s short notice.”
Erik nodded. “Yeah, they want to see us.”
“That’s nice. We’ll need to get the house ready.”
“Yeah.”
“You’re being quiet,” she suddenly said as she glanced over at him. He looked away, out at the road as he drove faster down the interstate. “Are you not happy that our baby is a boy?”
He shook his head. “I just want him to be healthy. Him being a boy is just a bonus.”
He could sense her grinning but he didn’t look over as he let out the breath he was holding.
“You’ll be a great dad, Erik.”
Erik blinked that itching feeling out of his eyes. “How do you know that?”
“Because like I said earlier, you are a good man.”
“I come from shit, Piper. You don’t know the half of it.”
“No, you come from two people who taught you how to love after all the hate you went through. Erik, pull over,” she said quickly.
He shook his head. “No.”
“You can’t drive when you’re crying; that is not safe.”
He slammed his fist into the steering wheel, causing her to jump. “I do not cry, Piper.”
He closed his eyes for a just a moment and then opened them again, his vision clear enough to keep driving. He was only ten minutes from Sweetbriar. He’d drop her off and then go somewhere. She was hitting too many sore spots; she was breaking through his walls and he couldn’t handle it. He needed them to stay up; he had too much to deal with as it was and the walls made him strong; they kept in his emotions and helped him survive. He’d built those walls the first time his dad beat the shit out of him; he was either three or five, whatever, and those walls helped him stay strong. He would never understand why his dad hated him but he didn’t need to understand to survive. Everyone he loved either didn’t love him back or left him. Hell, if your family is supposed to love you unconditionally and they don’t, then why the hell would someone who is not your family want to stay with you, let alone love you? Nope, he couldn’t deal with the thought of loving Piper and her leaving him.
“Erik, listen to me, I wouldn’t stick around and deal with your shit if I didn’t believe you were a good man. When I look at you, I see Cooper. I may not know Jasha, but I know Cooper and you are him made over, and our son will be like you and Cooper. I wouldn’t want to have a baby with anyone but you, and I am thankful that you were raised by such a great man. Everything is going to be okay.”
Erik shook his head, hating that she was so kind and had all the right words. He didn’t understand why she had to be so nice. Why wouldn’t she just leave him be, let him stew in his anger and hate himself? He wanted to be the man she spoke of but he wasn’t sure he had it in him to do it. He didn’t want to disappoint her; she had these expectations of him and he did not want to let her down.
He had pulled into their driveway, and instead of going in he said, “Why do you care, Piper? I’m still leaving.”
“That may very well happen, but I believe you’ll still be the best father, Erik. I think that when you care for someone, you are there for them like I’m here for you. I will always be here, even when you leave.”
“Why?” he asked, looking over at her. “Why don’t you hate me? Why don’t you see who I really am?”
Piper shrugged as she smiled. “I do see who you are, Erik, and believe me, I could never hate you. I’ve tried and only fell harder for you.”
“Don’t fall, Piper. I’m not the guy for you,” he whispered.
“I don’t agree,” she whispered back.
“I’m only going to hurt you.”
Piper shook her head. “When I care for someone, they get all of me. I can’t hold back.” She gave him one last smile and then threw the door open, struggling to get her bulk out of the car. Without even a second thought, Erik hopped out of the car and rushed out to help her. When she reached for his hand, she said, “Would someone who isn’t a good man help his wife get out of the car? Think about that, Mr. Titov.”
She wrapped her arms around his waist and just held him. Her scent was intoxicating and he could feel her heart beat on his stomach as she moved her nose along the middle of his chest. Not able to fight it anymore, he wrapped his arms around her, holding her close to him as he rested his head on hers. He could feel her stomach moving and he wanted to drop to his knees to hold his son in his hands but instead he held her.
“I’m here for you,” she whispered before moving out of his arms and walking past him to the house. Piper terrified him, and he really had no clue what he was going to do with her. All he did know was that his feelings for her were growing with each passing day. He enjoyed her spunkiness and her banter. He enjoyed her smiles and man, did he love her laugh. And as shitty as he’d been to her, she was still there—that in itself meant a lot.
But the fear he had that he would end up like his father was strong. Just like Jasha, Erik knew he’d give everything he had to Piper, and more than likely she’d see his worthlessness and leave, taking it all with her. Erik would put money on the fact that Jasha believed that Katria was there for him, too, and she left. Whenever his mom broke his father’s heart, Erik would take the brunt of his father’s anger and end up going to school with a part of him broken or beaten. That was the life he lived; that was the love he knew.
He couldn’t subject their child to that; he had to stay away from Piper.
He just had to.
Chapter 15
Piper had her arm around Erik’s waist and a grin on her face as they stood on the porch waving at Cooper and Alla. Erik’s arm hung loosely around her shoulders, and he had to fight everything inside of him not to hold her even tighter. After their tender moment yesterday, he found himself craving that feeling again. The whole night he lay, tossing and turning on the couch, wanting to run in there and tell her she was right, that he was an idiot and to please hold him.
He felt safe in her arms. And that bothered him because this was not real. He had to leave after the baby was born, but she was making it so damn difficult.
“Hey, guys!” Alla yelled as she jumped out of the car, waving widely at them. Erik smiled at the sight of her. His love ran deep for Alla—she was there for him even when he was fucking things up, just like someone else he knew, Erik thought, as he looked at the girl standing beside him.
When his dad stepped out of the car, he smiled and Erik actually felt a sense of calmness come over him. Cooper was a smart man and would help him sort through all the feelings he didn’t understand, feelings for his wife and baby boy.
“Hey!” Piper called out to his parents as they approached the steps to their porch.
“I’ve missed you so much!” Alla embraced Erik, giving him a smacking kiss and a tight hug.
“Jesus, Mom,” Erik said with a laugh, kissing her again. “I’ve missed you, too, but it hasn’t been that long since I saw you last.”
Cooper laughed, too, as he pulled Erik into his arms. “Any time away is too long in our opinion.” Erik closed his eyes as he hugged the man he loved and respected most in this world. Pulling back, Cooper asked, “Good?”
Erik shrugged as he smiled. “Eh, okay.”
“You’ll be good by the time we leave.”
Piper stood with her hair blowing in the wind and a bright smile on her face. The dress she wore was long, and she was gorgeous; Erik never got tired of looking at her. Piper giggled as Alla pulled her into her arms, too.
“My goodness, I think our grandson wants out!” Cooper laughed, embracing Piper.
“I have popped out a bit more since the last time you saw me. Wait till you see the ultraso
und video! He’s beautiful. Oh my, he has my cheeks, Erik’s nose, he is just perfect!”
“We can’t wait. Come on, let’s get inside. It’s hot as Hades out here,” Alla gushed, hooking arms with Piper as they walked in the house. Cooper wrapped his arms around Erik’s shoulders and they followed behind the two women. Having the two people who knew him best with the person who was breaking down his walls was scary as hell.
* * *
“Oh my God, I just can’t wait to squeeze him and love him to pieces! Oh, Cooper, I want to go shopping!” Alla exclaimed as she held Piper in one arm and Erik in the other. Erik wanted to die of embarrassment from the way his mother was acting while watching the ultrasound video, but it felt good to be in her arms.
“Sure, Alla, we aren’t busy trying to move or anything.” Cooper laughed as he held some of the ultrasound photos in his hands.
“Oh, poo, you are ruining all of my fun,” Alla teased as she turned to Piper. “Don’t worry, we’ll go shopping together.”
Piper nodded. “I would love that, Alla.”
“Well, you are family, darling.”
Erik’s heart hurt when he saw the tears gathering in Piper’s eyes. She took in a deep breath and nodded again.
Erik had to look away. This was all becoming too real, too painful, and he was frightened.
You would have thought this was her first grandchild. His mom talked their ears off about baby stuff and her excitement about moving to Nashville to be close to all of her children.
With a shake of his head, Erik pulled out his phone to mess with as he listened to their background chatter, but soon stopped when Alla asked, “So, have you thought of a name?”
Erik looked over to see Piper with a small smile on her face. “We haven’t really discussed it, but I’d like his middle name to be Blake, after my dad.”
“Aw. That is perfect. You haven’t found any names you liked, though?” Alla asked them.
“Well, a few,” Piper said.