by Sara Allen
“Well, look at you!” Simon whistled.
Blushing, I pouted and blew him a kiss. “Jealousy won’t get you anywhere.”
“Shut up please,” Simon teased. “You don’t need to impress me.”
My reflection in the mirror said otherwise. If I could please Simon, Ash would surely find a reason to look at me favorably. Struggling to squash the edge of nerves that shot through me caused my hand to falter holding the tube of lipstick..
“Girlfriend, don’t worry,” Simon said. He pressed his face against mine as we both stared at ourselves in the mirror. “You’re gonna knock his socks off.”
“I don’t know, Sy,” I said, my teeth found my lip again, “maybe I should call him and let him know I’ll be there.”
Simon turned me towards him. “Didn’t we agree we’d surprise him?”
“Yeah,” I replied, “but I don’t think it’s such a good idea anymore.”
“Oh, hush.” Simon grabbed my purse off the bed. “Stop over thinking everything.”
Him
The ceremony had gone off without a hitch and the speaker had finished introducing the speeches, telegrams and well wishes. It wasn’t time for me to relax yet, but I was no longer on show. However, I still needed to keep my eyes open from the sidelines and make sure everyone that mattered was happy. The way eyes were cast over me, knowing I’d make a decent alliance for someone’s daughter had me wanting to scream. Fuck if I knew what they thought I was, but these parasites weren’t getting a piece of me.
More than once, I’d had to move to another seat as I watched Kelley sidle up beside me. She thought she was slick trying to snake her arm through mine. I knew exactly why she’d done it, but I was just as determined not to give her the time of day. My intention for later was fixed on me finding my way to Rowanne’s apartment. The sooner I could leave, the better.
As I walked past the outside seating area, greeting a few guests I’d not seen arrive, a number plate that should not have been there crossed my field of vision. Marching to the parking area, I asked one of the attendants about the Porsche that was being driven into a spot, giving me a perfect glimpse of the special number plate I’d had made for Rowanne’s car. My blood heated, clouding my vision, as I went in search of my wife.
The dance floor was heaving with bodies, gyrating and twisting to the music. I searched the crowd with growing agitation look for her distinctive form. I heard a conversation that chilled my heart, and I turned towards the source.
“Man, I wouldn’t mind a piece of that,” the guy said.
“She’s the best-looking woman in here.” His companion laughed.
I watched their eyes turn in the direction of the buffet table and knew instinctively who they were referring to. My feet took me, before my brain could catch up and I saw a small crowd of hungry wolves, drooling over Rowanne. She stood with Simon, oblivious to the attention she was getting, which made me seethe more than if she’d been doing it on purpose.
Her face lit up when she saw me, which caused a twinge of disappointment. But this wasn’t the cheerful meet and greet she was expecting, she had to have known that. I grabbed her arm and pulled her behind me, straight out the back entrance of the gazebo, hoping to pass as few guests as possible. She followed without a word of protest, not even putting up a fight, which I knew most women wouldn’t have tolerated if handled like that.
Searching for a quiet spot, I walked far enough from the gazebo so we wouldn’t be overheard, and turned her towards me.
“What are you doing here?”
“Andrew invited me,” she said.
“Go home.”
“What?” she gasped. “I thought you’d be happy to see me.”
“I’m not.” That was too cold and I could see the tremble in her bottom lip. “You don’t belong here.”
“Why?”
“These aren’t the people you should be around.”
She was quiet for a few seconds. “Okay, I get it.” She heaved a sigh. “You don’t want me around your people.”
“These aren’t my people.” My teeth ground together. “They’re the scum of the earth.”
“Oh, now this is cozy, Ash.”
This was all I needed. This psycho bitch with an agenda. “Fuck off, Red.” I turned a baleful glare at her. “Go back and wash down some more of that witch’s brew.”
Kelley ignored me and came around for a better look at Rowanne. “So, is this your new piece?”
“I’m no one’s piece.” Rowanne gave her a withering glare.
Kelley laughed. “Just so you know, Ash don’t do long term,” she whispered loudly. “Or didn’t he tell you?”
I wanted to smack the bitch. She was crossing a line, and she knew it. “Keep pressing those buttons, Red,” I warned her. “Go back to the party.”
“Or what?” She got up close and personal, way too close and looked ready to fight it out.
I laughed low. “You don’t want to go there. It will not turn out how you want it.”
Defiance pushed her bottom lip out. But my concern wasn’t her, it was the woman who stood staring at us behind me. I’d made a mistake in engaging Kelley while Rowanne was there, but it was too late now. Water under the bridge.
Turning back to Rowanne, the look of disbelief on her face wrung my heart. “Go home,, Row. Now.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” she blurted. The hurt and anger in her voice turned heads.
“This isn’t the time or the place.”
“I’d have to disagree, Ash,” Kelley piped up. “I think it’s the perfect time and place.”
“Shut the fuck up, you.” I couldn’t hold in the anger any longer.
I saw too many questioning glances and eyes that I’d never wanted to draw turning in our direction. I had to end this and end it now.
With no apology or explanation, I was getting rid of Rowanne. It was my own fault for not clarifying that even if she got an invitation, she wasn’t to attend. Everything in my soul had warned me that asshole would invite her. This was my final order for her to get her ass home, and I didn’t want to make a scene dragging her back to her car.
“Go home, Row.” I gave her a look that she knew too well and turned away, leaving her to fume quietly by herself. My feet took me back to Simon who’d been wise enough to stay where I’d found them.
“Go and get her,” I told him. “Take her home.”
I didn’t wait to see if he complied, but the next time I saw her wouldn’t be pretty. Not for either of us.
18
Her
It had taken him a whole week to seek me out. Seven days of silence and uncertainty to fill my days. Thursday evening saw an envelope arrive on my desk, a part of his tell-tale signature that left me feeling out of sorts and ready for an argument. When I’d finally ripped the small white square open, there was nothing in there except a set of instructions, and that pissed me off even more.
No apology, no excuse, no explanation, just an order to have a weekend bag ready for the next evening.
Well, I wasn’t going to comply. I’d had enough of Ash’s silent treatment. I was supposed to be his wife for fuck's sake, and he treated me like I had no value whatsoever. I couldn't fathom why he thought that sorting out our problems through cryptic messages was the way to go. But he was making a big mistake.
I left work late and went home. The cool interior of my apartment made me feel colder inside then I’d ever felt. What was I supposed to do? If I waited for him to come the next day, I knew I’d crumble and do whatever he asked of me. And if I refused, it wouldn’t make any difference. Knowing him as I did, he’d probably pack for me if I didn’t do it myself.
With a decision made, I jumped into action. It was a decision I thought was in my own best interests. Now was the time for me to stand up and demand some recognition. With determined steps I made my way to my bedroom and pulled a small-wheeled suitcase from the closet and began filling it for a few days away.
Him
I shouldn’t have done it, but I didn’t know what else to do. Even though there were a hundred ways of dealing with this situation, I fell back on familiarity. Knowing in my heart it was the worst thing to do and a shitty way to act. This was a woman I could die for, over and over again, without thinking. But when I needed to communicate with her the most, something in me snapped and my mind shuttered, leaving me a silent enemy to the both of us.
I should have gone and seen her that evening, or even the next, or the one after that, but I hadn’t. My stupid ego had prevented me from contacting her for a week. And the most I could think of was to send her a couriered message to pack a bag. What a fucking asshole I was. I wouldn’t be surprised if she shoved her foot up my ass and told me to take a hike. I’d deserve it too.
My biggest issue with Rowanne was that I felt so beneath her. I felt I was constantly playing catch up with a woman who was too good for me. If I were to be honest with myself, she was too good for me. My chest would swell with pride when I remembered she’d actually agreed to marry me, even knowing as little about me as she did. That was a fucking leap of faith that I should accept and uphold for as long as I lived. Yet, every day and in every way, I was pushing her further away. Forcing her to come to terms with the fact that she’d made a serious mistake in taking up with me. But the pain of separation weakened my knees at the thought of her leaving. I didn’t have it in me to let her go.
The office space I’d rented was my only saving grace. With the conclusion of Drew’s wedding, I was finally able to branch out on my own with the full approval of Jim Sherwin. It had surprised me that he was fully aware of the lucrative sideline I’d been running, re-furbishing derelict houses and re-selling them for a sizeable profit. With that and the stocks I’d been trading in since leaving university with a lower-class business degree, I made what I’d learned work for me, without showing off about it.
I was becoming a man who could hold up his head and walk with pride, knowing that the money in my wallet had come from my own sweat and integrity. When planning this weekend, it was a way for me to open up to Rowanne about my business and my life, something I should have done a long time ago. I’d been silent on too many things for far too long.
The anxiety that squeezed my chest at what I would find when I stood before Rowanne had me pressing the buzzer like a coward. Even though I reasoned it was her chance to be aware I was there, I knew I was delaying the inevitable. As I waited for her to open the door and throw me that look that told me loud and clear I’d stayed away too long, my palms sweated. I pressed again, thinking she was angrier at me than I’d thought and was just taking longer to open the door, but still it took too long. I pressed a third time and knocked on the door.
Calling her name, I banged with my fist, but still nothing. It took me a full five minutes to build up the courage to use the key she’d given me and enter the apartment. With the lights off, I wondered if she was asleep and hadn’t heard me at all. My panic subsided slightly as I walked to the bedroom and tapped on the door, calling her softly.
Nothing!
The door swung open slowly and showed me the empty bed and the darkened view of London beyond her window. Where had she gone? I traipsed back to the living room and looked for a sign of her, but there was no note, not a single clue as to where she was. The silence of her apartment and my heart thudding in my chest were the only movement in her dimly lit abode. Reaching for my phone, I called her number, which sent me directly to voicemail and I finally had to admit that I’d really fucked up this time.
The sofa called me, and I sat with a heavy heart and nothing to do but wait for her to come home from wherever it was she’d gone. Perhaps, she was working late and she’d be home soon. I didn’t know what else to do but sit there and reflect..
Her
I pushed the key into the lock and turned, surprised that it only turned halfway before the door swung open. Questioning myself, I was sure I’d locked it securely when leaving on Thursday evening, but maybe in my haste to depart, I’d been wrong. Perhaps Ash had forgotten to lock it when he left, realizing I wasn’t there. I dragged the suitcase over the threshold and closed the door behind me.
Flicking the lights on as I walked through the short hallway, I stopped in the lounge doorway and looked at the man sitting on the sofa, head bowed and shoulders slumped.
“Ash?” I took a few steps towards him and stopped. “When did you arrive?”
He looked up at me with eyes hollowed and darkened from lack of sleep, or worry, or some other emotion that I didn’t even want to think about.
“Ash?”
“Where have you been, Rowanne?”
It broke my heart to hear the defeat in his voice, but I needed to stand firm and demand that little extra from him for myself.
“When did you get here?” I needed an answer first before I gave in and gave up, allowing him to take everything he wanted and getting nothing in return.
He rose like a storm from the sofa. “Where the fuck have you been, Rowanne?”
His deep voice bounced off the walls and reverberated through my mind. I stepped back, shocked and afraid. Ash wasn’t a small man, he was huge with hands that could hold both my wrists above my head while he’d hold me against him. He towered over me in height and width with power I’d never taken the measure of because he’d always been so gentle with me. But I’d never felt as threatened by him as I did in that moment.
“Why are you shouting at me, Ash?” My voice trembled. “You’re scaring me.”
I watched his hands fist and his shoulders clench. He kept his face turned to the wall and wouldn’t look at me, so I couldn’t read him at all. There would be no way for me to protect myself against him if he chose to erupt in anger again. My thoughts flew to escape. I didn’t want to be in the same room as him when he was like this.
“Please, Row…” His voice lowered. “Just tell me where you’ve been. That’s all.”
I hesitated, confused at the change in his demeanor. “I went to stay with my mum,” I confessed. “I needed my mum.”
“I needed you, Row,” he said so quietly that I took a step towards him, my fear dissipating like water through my fingers.
“How long have you been here, Ash?” My feet took me the rest of the way, and I reached out a hand to touch his forearm.
“Long enough to know I don’t deserve you, Row.” He turned to face me and I gasped.
My big, strong man had the tracks of tears smearing his handsome face, and he looked as though he’d slept in his clothes and hadn’t eaten. He looked more like a ghost of the man I knew in those seconds. Remorse pinched me, twisting my pride into shame at being so selfish.
“I’m sorry, Ash.” I fell against him. “I’m so sorry.”
19
Her
That night back in June played through my mind often in the weeks after. Ash and I seemed to have come to an agreement, but still we were at odds with each other. There was love between us, but sadly, no understanding, and I doubted if one could survive without the other. My need for him to open up to me was wearing me down daily, yet it seemed the only thing he needed from me was my presence.
I felt like an elaborate doll that performed for him when he needed it and never asked for anything in return, not even the same courtesy. If I were to be honest with myself, the only thing I wanted was Ash and I couldn’t understand how he didn’t see that.
He took me shopping, buying me jewelry and clothes, which I’d only accept because of the look on his face. However, the garments from the pricey shops in the West End stayed in their bags at the bottom of my closet because I didn’t have the heart to return them.
The only thing I wore was the ring he’d bought me to replace the small, thin band he’d placed on my finger the day we got married in Gretna Green. I knew the ring was an afterthought and not something that had as much meaning, so when he suggested changing it and choosing one for himself, I felt as though we were finally
moving in the right direction.
Finding a plain, white gold band for him was easy. So, when I’d looked at every ring in the shop and nothing called to me, I began to lose heart. Ash sat patiently, waiting for me to decide, yet nothing seemed to reach out and grab me. Every one of them seemed exactly like the ring he’d placed on my finger himself months before.
Just as we were about to leave, the shop owner asked me to wait, disappearing into the back room to return holding a gray box. I was intrigued. The owner called me over and took a breath before he flipped the lid back and showed me the contents. I stared at that ring for a full minute before I reached out a finger and touched the single solitaire diamond set high up on sapphire encrusted, white gold shoulders. The band wasn’t thick or particularly thin either, but it seemed a perfect fit for the size of the stone it carried.
Feeling Ash behind me set my heartbeat racing. “That’s a pretty ring, Row,” he said. “Do you like it?”
Words deserted me.
The shop owner cleared his throat. “It was commissioned for an event. I didn’t have the heart to sell it.” He looked at the ring still in its box. “But I think it deserves a home now.”
“But why me?” I asked.
The owner looked at Ash and then down at me with a small smile on his face. “I’ve seen couples come in here and they rush to choose something.” He pulled the ring out of its box and turned it to catch the light. “But you were prepared to leave without anything as though only something special would do.” He handed the ring to Ash and wiped his hands down his trouser legs as though removing the feeling of the ring from his grasp.
Ash turned his gaze towards me, a question in his eyes. My fingers were fisted so tightly that I feared opening them. This ring felt like it would weigh the same as both our lives together and then some.