Just Like This

by Rebecca Gallo

  “Well, you’re right about that too. I’m not exactly thrilled about my mom being back.”

  Our conversation was put on hold as we entered Top Pot. The fragrant smell of sugar and fried dough hit my nose, and my mouth started to water. I showed great restraint in ordering, which Palmer said surprised him. We took our doughnuts and walked over to a sunny part of the café and continued the uncomfortable conversation about my mother’s return.

  “I apologize for her showing up last night,” he told me.

  “You don’t have to apologize. She seems all gung ho on getting me to forgive her.”

  I took a bite of my doughnut, and it was deliciously sweet. My eyes rolled back in my head with delight, and I knew that without a doubt, I’d be leaving with a dozen. I groaned with pleasure after my second bite, which made Palmer laugh. The way his smile filled his entire face and his eyes crinkled at the corners had me wondering why no one had bothered to claim him.

  “You’ll find someone, Palmer,” I told him. I reached out and placed my hand on his cheek. “I’m sorry it’s not me, but you’ll find the right girl who will make you deliriously happy. I mean, you’re not bad looking.”

  “Gee, thanks.” He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and looked away.

  “I mean it, Palmer. You’re smart and handsome, and you’re about to take over my father’s position in the company, so you have a good job. What girl wouldn’t want all that in a man?”

  Palmer turned back to face me when I mentioned he would be taking over my father’s position. “What do you mean I’m going to take over for your father?”

  I fiddled with my coffee cup. My father and Tim Grayson had started talking about the future of S&G Home Builders when he was first diagnosed. Valerie still worked for the company and was content to just manage projects. She was destined to be the senior project manager but running the company didn’t interest her. Palmer would now inherit my father’s role.

  “Valerie wants to be a project manager. She likes the control too much.”

  “Cami, I don’t want to take anything away from your family.”

  “You’re not. This is just one less thing for my dad to worry about. He hasn’t worked since he got sick.” I didn’t want to add that soon, Palmer’s dad would buy out my dad’s half of the company. Who knew there was so much to take care of when your life was ending?

  “Come on,” Palmer said, rising from his seat. “Let’s enjoy this gorgeous day.”

  We wandered around downtown Seattle, and I started to think more about selling my condo. It was beyond time for me to let it go because I wouldn’t be returning to Seattle. It was time for me to start thinking about a life without my father and a life with Garrett.

  “Will you help me sell my condo? I don’t want to burden Dad,” I asked as we drove back to Gig Harbor.

  “Are you sure you want to sell? Your condo is in an amazing location. It might be good just to hang onto it.”

  “Yes, I’m sure. I might not know exactly what my future looks like, but Seattle isn’t a part of it.”

  “Okay. Let’s plan on meeting in a few days. I’ll ask my dad if he can recommend anyone.”

  “Thank you, Palmer.” Absently, I placed my hand on his thigh. When he covered it with his, I realized the message I was sending and carefully slid my hand away. There was no reason for me to unintentionally send him mixed messages.

  Palmer reached over and picked up my left hand. “This is new,” he commented as he slid his thumb across the stones in my new ring. “It’s nice.”

  “Palmer, if this makes you uncomfortable, we don’t have to talk about it,” I said cautiously.

  “I’m happy for you, Cami. If Garrett is the one for you, then I’ll proudly stand by both of your sides.”

  “Thank you.” But in the pit of my stomach, I felt a little uneasy. His tight smile and the way he quickly dropped my hand indicated that maybe he wasn’t being completely truthful.

  He dropped me back home, and I avoided the main house where I knew my mother was staying. Instead, I headed into the guest house where the scent of Garrett still lingered. I headed for the bedroom and fell against the unmade bed where the familiar smell was strongest. Tears quietly slipped down my cheeks. It had only been a few hours since we shared our last kiss, but it felt like days.

  I sat up and grabbed my laptop off the bedside table. Garrett and I had discussed emailing, and he made sure to give me every number and every email that could possibly reach him.

  To: Garrett.Hammond@army.mil.gov

  From: CSorenson@mail.com

  Subject: Miss You Already

  You just left. I just hugged you for the last time. My lips were pressed against yours for the last time for the next nine months. Until you come home to me. I miss you already even though you’ve only been gone a few hours. My body already aches without your touch. My heart is heavy without yours near. One hour without you feels like a lifetime. What will the next nine months feel like?

  Let me know that you’re safe as soon as you can.

  Your Cami

  I clicked send on my email and closed my laptop. Today had been exhausting, and my eyes grew heavier and heavier. I leaned against the pillows and closed my eyes to sleep, where endless memories of Garrett replayed in my dreams.

  My phone buzzing next to me woke me up. When I opened my eyes, it was still dark, and I had no idea how long I had been asleep. Without looking at the caller ID, I answered.

  “Hello?” My voice was thick with sleep.

  “Cami?” The sound of Garrett’s voice was surprising.

  “Garrett?”

  “Hey, baby. I just wanted to call you while I still can.” I could hear the smile in his warm voice. I pulled my knees up to my chest and cradled the phone against my ear.

  “Where are you?”

  “Well, I can’t really tell you that. But we’re on a bit of a layover, waiting for the plane to get cleaned up and refueled.”

  “Oh, okay.” Garrett had warned me that he wouldn’t be able to tell me much about his location. “How are you doing?”

  “I’m tired as hell but happy I get to hear your voice. How are you?”

  “Better.” I sighed. “Palmer took me to Top Pot for doughnuts after you left. But this is way better.”

  He laughed. “I’m so happy to hear that.”

  In the background, I could hear an announcement being made.

  “I have to go, Cami,” he said way too soon. “They’re ready for us.”

  “Already?” My voice was a whine, but I knew there wasn’t a choice.

  “I’m sorry, baby. I love you, Cami.”

  “I love you too, Garrett. Stay safe,” I said quietly.

  “Stay strong,” he said before our call ended.

  I fell asleep with my phone clutched against my chest, hoping he’d call back. In the morning, I eagerly opened my laptop, hoping for a reply to my first email, but there wasn’t anything. Frustrated, I typed out a second email.

  To: Garrett.Hammond@army.mil.gov

  From: CSorenson@mail.com

  Subject: How Long Does This Take?

  I’m impatient. I don’t know how long it takes for you to return to base and to get yourself situated again. I’ll try to not flood your inbox, but at least when you open it, you’ll be greeted with my messages. It’s been a day, but it already feels like a year. I miss you more today than yesterday. Come back to me.

  Stay safe.

  Your Cami

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Cami

  To: CSorenson@mail.com

  From: Garrett.Hammond@army.mil.gov

  Subject: Safe & Sound

  My Cami? Yes, you are. My email access is limited, so feel free to flood my inbox but know I’ll only be able to email once a week.

  I miss you more than words can say and more than my fingers can type. The taste of you still lingers on my tongue, and your scent is faint, but it still covers me completely. I’m hungry for you, and I know t
hat nothing will satisfy my craving for you until I’m back home.

  I’m finally on base and safe, for now. I’ll be here for a few weeks before going out on patrol. When I have that information, I’ll try to tell you, so you don’t worry.

  How is your dad? More importantly, how are you? I know this can’t be easy, and I wish more than anything that I was there to take away some of your pain.

  Stay strong.

  Yours, G

  It took forever to get that first email from Garrett. Almost two days after I sent my email I finally received his, and I was positively giddy. Not even a run-in with my mother could ruin my mood.

  “You can’t avoid me forever,” she scolded me when we met in the driveway. I was headed out to meet Palmer and discuss selling my condo.

  “I’m going to try,” I replied coldly.

  “Cami,” she said, clearly frustrated. “Will you just stop and talk to me?”

  “Fine. One question. Why did you have to leave on my birthday?”

  She closed her eyes and sighed. “I’m sorry for leaving on your birthday. That was wrong of me. The day you turned eighteen, all I could think about was my own freedom. I was selfish.”

  “Do you even realize that I haven’t been able to celebrate my birthday for almost eight years? This was the first year.”

  “I don’t know what else to say, but I’m sorry.”

  “Well, unfortunately, that’s not good enough for me.” She had enough of my time for now. I got in my car and left to meet Palmer.

  It was hard for me not to get stuck in my own head and start to wonder if I was being too harsh, too unforgiving. Maybe I shouldn’t let eighteen years of wonderful memories be erased by one life-changing decision.

  My foul mood carried over into my meeting with Palmer and the real estate agent that he found to help me sell my condo. The agent, Miranda, was a perfect fit. I liked her immediately and felt confident in my decision to have her list the condo.

  Before I left the restaurant where I’d met up with them, Palmer stopped me. “Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked, his concern etched on his face.

  “My mom cornered me in the driveway,” I told him, my voice filled with irritation. We were standing outside on the patio of the restaurant, but I had a feeling the conversation was going to last a bit longer, so I sat back down. “She wants me to talk to her.”

  “And you don’t want to?”

  “No. I want to be angry.”

  “But haven’t you been angry for eight years?”

  I balled up a napkin and threw it at him. “Stop being logical, Palmer! Yes, I have been angry with her for eight years, but it was easy to ignore because she was gone. Now she’s right there, in my face, asking for forgiveness.”

  “You’re losing one parent, Cami. Is it really worth it to lose both of them? Wouldn’t you rather have your mother back in your life?”

  “Of course, I want that! What daughter doesn’t want a mother? But what mother leaves her daughters behind for selfish pursuits? You don’t just abandon your family like that.”

  “I understand exactly what you’re saying, but maybe you should at least let her talk? Give her the chance to explain first before you decide that forgiveness isn’t an option.”

  I gritted my teeth and groaned in frustration. “Stop it, Palmer. Just stop being so damned reasonable! Fine, I’ll give her a chance … when Garrett comes home.”

  “Cami,” he admonished me.

  “Okay. I’ll consider doing it sooner.”

  When Palmer dropped me off, I retreated to the guest house and to my laptop. Sending Garrett daily emails was my thing now. It made me feel connected to him even though his responses weren’t always quick.

  To: Garrett.Hammond@army.mil.gov

  From: CSorenson@mail.com

  Subject: One Week

  If I only get to hear from you once a week, then that day will be my favorite. I’ll try to not stuff your inbox now that I know how often we can communicate. Can we Skype or FaceTime at all? I’d give anything to not only hear your voice but also see your face.

  Palmer and I met with a real estate agent today. Her name is Miranda, and she’s absolutely perfect. I totally trust her to help sell the condo, and I’m planning to meet with her at the end of the week to list it. Maybe I should ask her about buying a winery?

  My mom also kind of cornered me today. She wants to talk, and she wants forgiveness. I just don’t know if I’m ready to listen and to grant it. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to forgive her. Palmer was being unreasonably logical and told me that I should at least listen to what she has to say before I decide that forgiveness isn’t an option. He’s completely right, but the hurt she caused is so deep that … I just don’t know, Garrett. I just don’t know if it’s possible. And then I think about getting married and a wedding without either my dad or my mom, and it makes the hurt worse. Could I really get married without her?

  I’m grateful for all of Palmer’s help and advice, but I can’t help but wish it was you. I don’t want to burden you with all of this; I’m sorry. I’m trying to stay strong.

  Stay safe,

  Your Cami

  His response came a day later, quicker than I expected. My heart pounded in my chest when my phone pinged, and I saw his email waiting in my inbox. Eagerly, I swiped my phone and let his message fill the tiny screen. His words and response and opinions meant more to me than I wanted to say, and I hated that I was almost dependent upon him to make such a monumental decision.

  To: CSorenson@mail.com

  From: Garrett.Hammond@army.mil.gov

  Subject: RE: One Week

  I’m sorry I can’t be there with you. I wish that more than anything. This is the worst moment of your life, and you’re dealing with so much. I’m grateful that Palmer is there to help you through it all, but I’m a little jealous too. I hope his shoulders aren’t too comfortable. Please don’t ever think that you’re a burden to me. I want to know what you’re thinking and feeling because it helps me feel connected to you while we’re so far apart.

  I know you don’t want to hear this, but Palmer is right. You should listen to what your mother has to say. If you make a decision now without listening to her side, you might regret it for the rest of your life.

  I want nothing more than to see your face and hear your voice. I’ll try to arrange something, but I can’t guarantee anything will happen. Patrols have started, and it’s not exactly paradise around here. I’m waiting for my orders to come any day. When they come, it might be more than a week before you hear from me again. I don’t want you to worry. Until then …

  Stay strong.

  Yours, G.

  His advice was the same as Palmer’s—listen to her, talk with her, and then decide. Fine. I didn’t have to like it, but I could still do it. Luckily, Garrett left half a case of Hammond Wine in the guest house. Clutching a bottle of red wine, I walked across the driveway and into the main house. Valerie was still at work, but my mother was in the kitchen cooking. It bothered me because she was part of the reason I loved baking. Suddenly, I pictured all of the Christmases we’d spent together baking and elaborately decorating cookies.

  “This is your time to explain,” I said coolly, walking into the kitchen. I set the bottle of wine on the table and went in search of a corkscrew. Once I managed to open the bottle, I poured myself a glass and sat at the kitchen island.

  My mom turned and nodded toward my bottle. “Can I have some of that?”

  “Nope.” It was childish to be selfish with the wine, but I was already giving her my time.

  “Fine.” She sat down across from me and let out a heavy breath. “What do you want to know?”

  “Where have you been for the past eight years?”

  “Oh, well, I’ve been all over. For the first two years, I lived out of a suitcase and just traveled, searching for a place to settle down.”

  “And then?”

  “Well, then I got bored. So I came home.”r />
  “What do you mean home? Home like Seattle or home like Washington?”

  “Well, I lived in New York City for two years, but it was so cramped there.” She seemed evasive, and I didn’t like what I heard next. “And then I came back west three years ago.”

  “Where have you been living?”

  “Orcas Island.”

  I did my best not to crack the stem of my wine glass between my fingers. My fear had become fact. She’d been so close the past three years.

  “Why did you stay away then?”

  She sighed heavily. “I don’t have an answer to that. Guilt, maybe?”

  “That’s not good enough for me.” I took a large sip of my wine and looked away.

  “Fine. I was scared to find that you all had moved on without me; that you and your sister and your father had completely forgotten about me.”

  “That sounds like a better answer. We never forgot about you. You were the giant invisible elephant in the room. And when Dad got sick, it got harder to think about you. You should have been here from the beginning, not shown up right when he’s about to die.”

  “You’re right, and that’s a regret I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life.”

  I sat back in my chair and fiddled with my wine glass, twirling it slightly. “Listen,” I said, resigned. “I can’t promise you forgiveness. If it happens, it’s going to take a long time. I can’t just forgive and forget the past eight years. But Dad is coming home tomorrow, and he needs all of us. It’s not going to do him any good to see us arguing. So, I’m calling a truce.”

  “Thank you, Cami.”

  I finished my wine and then headed back to the guest house. I was proud of myself, and the only person I wanted to talk to was Garrett.

  To: Garrett.Hammond@army.mil.gov