by Rinyu, Beth
“No, it’s okay.” She placed her phone back in her purse without responding to the text. “I’m still not sure…but I’m thinking. Maybe I might go for it.”
I was mute. Even though I was totally supportive when she told me the other day, I was still holding out a little hope that maybe she’d decline. Suddenly all the ridiculous fantasies of Emmeline moving to Germany with me and us living happily ever after were laid to rest. I cleared my throat and murmured, “That’s fantastic.”
“You think?” Her eyes twinkled with hope as she looked at me for reassurance.
“I do,” I replied, this time trying to sound a little more upbeat. “I think it’s a great opportunity for you to do something you love doing and that you’re really good at.” I wouldn’t let my feelings get in the way of her happiness.
She took in an uneasy breath. “I’m just afraid...I mean, I don’t know the first thing about running a business.”
“Neither did Phillip Ashton and look at him now, he’s one of the richest men in the States. Everyone’s got to start somewhere, Emmeline, and you won’t know unless you try.” I was sealing my fate, putting the stamp on the envelope and making sure it was mailed. I knew if she decided to go through with this, the extent of our relationship would become casual at most, and that was if and when either of us could find the time to travel to see one another.
She pulled in her bottom lip and nodded. “I don’t want to talk about it right now. It’s been such a great day. I don’t want to have to cloud my mind with that.”
I nodded. Truth was, I didn’t want to talk about it either or think about what that decision would mean for us, not now, not ever.
Chapter 29
Emme
THE FACT MY sister wasn’t here was like a double-edged sword. I was pissed beyond words that she hadn’t made an effort to spend the one-year anniversary of our mother’s death with our father. Instead, she chose to call the night prior to let him know she’d be in the Hamptons at her husband’s family vacation home for the weekend. If that weren’t bad enough, she had to throw in that her phone would be turned off the entire time so she could get some much-needed relaxation. I was fairly certain not one mention of my mother was made in that brief conversation. Through it all I could just hear my father saying, “Rest up, angel. You work so hard. If anyone deserves a time-out from life, it’s you.”
He was still under her spell. The same one I had been under for so long. Why did it take me so long to see what a selfish bitch she was? The other part of me was happy she wasn’t there because that meant Lukas could be, and as he and my father sat at the bar exchanging bad jokes and throwing back shots of Jameson, it was clear that his presence was making up for the lack of Bridgette’s.
I hadn’t heard my father laugh that way in such a long time. It was genuine, not the forced one he’d expel just to try and reassure everyone that he was hanging in there. It was the same laugh I’d become so familiar with whenever he’d play one of his practical jokes on my mother that would send her into panic mode, from rubber rats on the kitchen floor to prank calls from his friends, pretending he’d been arrested. She’d curse him out while he stood by with that hearty chuckle, the same one he was ousting at that moment over some ridiculous joke Lukas had told him that made absolutely no sense at all to me.
I shook my head and smiled at the two of them together. My father always had his guard up with the guys my sister and I would date. His motto was, he disliked them right from the start and then they would have to earn his approval, but with Lukas it was the exact opposite. My father had taken a liking to him right from the start—before I even had.
My smile slowly faded when I came to that stark realization that I wasn’t going to be the only one who had to give up Lukas. My father was going to too. I was an awful person. Today was such a great day, but something about it felt like the end. The grand finale of something so wonderful, a once in a lifetime I’d never experience again with anyone else. I wiped away the tear rolling down my face just thinking about it. As much as I wanted to see that show with my mother, Lukas was the perfect stand-in for her.
“Emme, love, I’m gonna run in the back. Do you mind keepin’ an eye our here?” my father asked.
I nodded. The bar was strangely quiet, unlike the normal Saturday evening crowd. Just a few regulars nursing their beers and watching the baseball game on the televisions overhead. It was more than likely too hot for anyone to venture out. Summer had come out of nowhere this year, and it had come with a vengeance. I took a seat next to Lukas and placed my hand on his thigh. “Thank you for making me happy today and making my dad laugh.”
“I like to make you happy,” he whispered. “You’re so easy to please.”
I leaned in closer and pressed my lips to his.
“Now, now…we’ll have none of…” My father’s voice faded as he came from the back room carrying an oversized box in his arms. I stood up and watched in horror as the box fell from his grip and the bottles inside shattered into a million pieces. His face paled and he clutched his chest, struggling to breathe. Lukas bolted from the barstool, knocking it over to get to him. He was having a heart attack right in front of my eyes, laid out flat on the ground while Lukas performed CPR on him, and I stood there frozen. I couldn’t lose my dad exactly one year after losing my mom.
“Emmeline!” I wasn’t sure how long Lukas had been calling my name as I stood there, paralyzed in fear. “Call the ambulance!” he shouted, never missing a beat as he continued pressing on my father’s chest while he lay there like a rag doll.
I nodded and backed away, never taking my eyes from my worst nightmare playing out before me.
“I just called nine-one-one. They’re on their way,” a voice beckoned behind me. I didn’t know whose it was. I just knew I was grateful to them for doing something I was incapable of doing at the moment.
It was all a blur. Everything. From the time my father hit the floor to the two and a half hours spent in the hospital waiting room, hoping to hear something…anything. I had tried reaching Bridgette on her phone and then on Connor’s phone. Just like she had told my father, she was unreachable, both going right to voice mail. I despised her so much at that moment, and I was hoping her guilt would eat away at her when she retrieved the voice mail from me, letting her know her father had just had a heart attack and she was too busy relaxing to care.
Lukas had been my rock. I honestly don’t know what I would’ve done without him. The way he remained so calm and sprang into action, I would never forget and always be grateful to him for. The admitting doctor said my father had gone into cardiac arrest and more than likely wouldn’t have been alive if it weren’t for the CPR Lukas had administered before the ambulance arrived.
“Emme Flynn?” A tall middle-aged woman wearing scrubs appeared from behind the double doors.
I stood up on shaky legs as she approached me.
“I’m Dr. Whaler. Your father is a very lucky man. He had a ninety-five percent blockage. We went in and put two stents in.”
“I-is he going to be okay?” My voice cracked.
She nodded. “He’s in some pain. He suffered a broken rib from the CPR and really just needs some rest.”
“Can I see him, please?”
She let out a reluctant sigh. “You can, but only for a few minutes. He’s still really out of it.”
I turned to Lukas.
“I’ll be right here,” he reassured me, flashing me a sympathetic smile.
Thank you, I mouthed to him, following the doctor through the double doors. Walking through the maze of rooms all with full glass windows on the outside, we finally stopped at the only one that mattered to me.
“Just a few minutes,” the doctor reiterated.
“I promise.” I nodded, taking a step closer to my father’s hospital bed. That strong man I’d known my entire life looked so vulnerable and weak lying there with oxygen tubes up his nose and IV needles taped to his arms. After seeing my mother from t
his vantage point so many times, I didn’t ever want to see anyone I loved like that again, and here I was, one year after her death, reliving the hell all over again, but this time with my dad.
“Oh, Daddy, I know you miss her so much, but she’s not ready for you to be with her yet. We still need you here…I still need you.” My voice cracked. “You need to get better because we have a lot we still have to do. We have to take our trip to Ireland. Remember? You keep telling Aunt Adeline you’re coming, but you never go. So maybe, if I go with you, you’ll make that a reality. It’s been way too long since we’ve been. I want to go back and see all the places you and Mom went to. I want to stand in the very same spot you were standing in when your first laid eyes on her and realized she was the girl you were going to marry. I want you to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day, and that may be a long way off…so you better plan on sticking around for a while.”
I sighed heavily and kissed his forehead. The best I could do was let him rest and go home and try and get some sleep myself. Tomorrow was going to be a long day, and I needed to be rested to get through it.
“Kitten.” His voice was hoarse and barely audible as he called to me just as I reached the door.
“Yeah.” I rushed back to his side, reaching for his hand.
“Tell him.” He struggled to get the words out.
“What?” I shook my head in confusion.
“Lukas. He’s a good guy. He doesn’t deserve…” He sucked in a deep breath and continued, “He doesn’t deserve to be lied to.”
He knew. How did he know? “How?” I was finally able to speak my thoughts.
“I heard you and your sister arguing, and I put the pieces together that he was the same guy your sister’s been complaining about for these last few months. You need to tell him, Emmeline.”
I nodded, sweeping my hand across my cheek to wipe away the tears. “I’m gonna lose him, Dad, and I’m so not ready to.” I sobbed. “Just like I’m not ready to lose you.”
“You’re never gonna lose me, love. You’re stuck with me for the rest of your life. Even when I’m long gone, I’ll always be in your heart. But, sweetheart, he looks at you the same way I looked at your mother, and it just eats away at me, knowing you’ve got this secret between you.”
“I love him, Dad. I know it’s only been a few months, but I do.”
“All the more reason to tell him the truth. Honey, you can’t keep going on with this between the two of you.” He took a deep breath.
“Time’s up. He needs his rest.” The nurse interrupted.
“Okay,” I whispered. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Dad.” I kissed his forehead. “Love you.”
“I love you too, Emme. Everything is gonna be okay, and even if it’s not, you’ll feel better not carrying that weight around anymore.”
I nodded, trying my hardest to combat another round of tears. My father was normally always right with the advice he’d give, but this time I knew he was absolutely wrong—I would never feel better about a life without Lukas in it.
Chapter 30
Lukas
EMMELINE WAS STILL an emotional wreck when we returned back to her place. She was understandably terrified over something happening to her father, and at the same time beating herself up for freezing in the situation. No matter how many times I told her it was totally natural when you watch someone you’re that close to going through it, she refused to give herself a break. She had rested her head on my shoulder as we sat in the waiting room, waiting for news, crying for an hour straight. I was only too happy to be there for her.
“Why don’t you go get some sleep, and—”
“Don’t go.” She cut me off. “Don’t leave me.” There was a desperation to her voice as if she was talking in the distant future and not just tonight.
I nodded. It wasn’t like she needed to twist my arm to spend the night with her. She grabbed my hand and led me into her room. It was after midnight, and we were both exhausted. I sat down on her bed and bent down to take my shoes off, surprised when I looked up and saw her standing naked in front of me.
My body began to react in the same manner it always would when I’d see her in that way, but tonight, I tried to fight the urge. “Emmeline, I don’t think tonight—”
She walked over to where I was sitting, dropping her head to meet my lips. My hands trailed up her body and any hope of resisting went out the window. I pulled her down on the bed next to me, as our lips continued to clash. She lifted my shirt over my head and moved her hands down to the button and zipper on my pants. For a brief second, I felt a little pang of guilt, not wanting her to think I was using her vulnerable state to get sex. But I sensed she was wanting this, needing this just as much as I was, so who was I to stop it? Her soft lips gently pressed against my neck, moving closer to my ear.
“Thank you, Lukas. Thank you for everything,” she whispered. “I love you so much. I’ll always love you.”
Chapter 31
Emme
FUNNY HOW CERTAIN songs seem to go through your head that are so fitting to the situation you find yourself in at given moments. As my body arched taking Lukas in, feeling the warmth of his skin against mine, sucking in the intoxicating scent of his cologne, listening to the pleasurable groans that escaped him every now and then, “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?” by Carole King played over and over again in my mind. I knew the answer to that question…no, he wouldn’t. But just like those all too familiar lyrics stated…tonight he was mine completely. And tonight, I was going to memorize all of it, his touch on my body, the smell of his skin, and the sound of his voice because, after tonight, after the truth was out, I wouldn’t know any of it anymore.
“Emmeline?” Lukas stared down at me as he tried to catch his breath. I didn’t want it to end, not because I wasn’t fully satisfied, but because I knew that was the last time I’d ever see that pleading look in those beautiful eyes, making sure I was okay before he finished the job. Tears pricked my eyes, and the best I could do to disguise them and answer his question was lift my neck and kiss him like he was going off to war. His movements became quicker and harder and with one final thrust he buried his face in my shoulder before collapsing on top of me. Tears streamed down my face as my fingertips traced the warm skin on his back.
He turned on his side and pulled me close. “Why are you crying?” he asked when my teardrops seeped onto his chest.
“It’s just been an emotional night.” That was the best I could muster.
“Are you sure you’re okay? Is it because of something that just happened now? I didn’t hurt—”
“No, not at all!” His caring ways made me want to cry even harder. “That was wonderful.” Too wonderful. Something I’d remember for the rest of my life, even when the memory of it hurt me so badly I’d desperately want to forget it. Lukas was so different than anyone else I had been with. Maybe there was something to be said for foreign guys. The only other men I had ever been with were American ones, with the exception of Billy O’Neil.
Billy was my aunt’s neighbor in Ireland. I met him during the summer I was sixteen on one of our many visits. He was seventeen, rebellious, had a car, was super cute, and my parents forbade me to go out with him. So being a bit of a rebel back in the day, I did. It was my first time, so I had no expectations whatsoever, and thank God I didn’t. I’m not even sure if we even did it, it was over so quick. So, I never really did count poor old Billy into that equation. The ones I did count, the ones who thought they knew what they were doing, and at the time so did I, didn’t even come close to comparing to Lukas. He had set the bar high on so many levels, lucky for me I never planned on getting into another relationship again because no one could ever fill his shoes. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. “I love the smell of you.”
He let out a chuckle. “Are you trying to tell me I need to take a shower?”
“No.” I managed a laugh. I propped my head on my elbow and stared down at him. “Lukas…” Not now, Em. Just
one more night of knowing the safety of his arms. One more morning of waking up to the cute, boyish expression when his eyes first open in a state of confusion until he’s fully conscious and realizes where he is. One more kiss on his full, pouty lips. One more “I love you” before he hates you.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Nothing. Nothing at all,” I whispered, lowering my head back to his shoulder and intertwining my hand in his. Like the song went…Tonight he was mine completely. Tomorrow…tomorrow was a different story.
_______________
Turned out tomorrow hadn’t been the day either. I had spent the entire day at the hospital and the only ounce of energy I had left was reserved for crawling into my bed. My head was about to explode both literally and figuratively. My sister finally decided to call around 8:00 p.m. when she was on the way home from her relaxation weekend, drilling me with a million questions, conveying her demands that she had on the doctors through me. I didn’t even have the energy to argue with her. The icing on the cake was when she muttered, “So much for my destressing this weekend,” right before we hung up.
My head was pounding, my stomach burning from not eating all day, and my eyes ready to close at any moment. But I put on my best strong front and stayed with my father until visiting hours were over. He was looking a lot better. He had his color back along with his silly sense of humor, which he was driving the nurses crazy with.
Lukas had come to visit my dad for a few hours but needed to get back to his hotel to catch up on work. Today hadn’t been the day to tell him. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. Who was I kidding? I’d never be in the right frame of mind for that. I was just prolonging the inevitable, like peeling off a Band-Aid nice and slow instead of just ripping it off with one quick pull. I had set my mind on the next day. I planned on meeting him for dinner and breaking the news. In my warped little fantasy, I envisioned him laughing it off after we exchanged mutual sarcasms about Bridgette, and then resume our relationship like we’d been for the last few months. Yes, I was well aware that was a fantasy, a sick twisted dream of how I wished it would all play out, instead of the reality that faced me in less than twenty-four hours.