by Carrie Elks
“But it’ll hurt him, don’t you see? And his parents if they find out. And for what? A hook up?” She tugged at the sheet, pulling it up to cover her chest. “Is it worth hurting people just for that?”
Logan blinked, trying to find the right answer. “We both agreed that was all it was…”
“I know we did.” She let out a mouthful of air. “And it worked. It made me feel alive again. But I can’t hurt the people I love, Logan. Not after everything they’ve been through.”
“Do you want me to leave?” And damn if that didn’t feel like a kick in the gut. She opened her mouth, then closed it again, her brows knitting together.
“It’s okay,” he said softly. “I get it. We weren’t looking for complications. I shouldn’t have come, at least not when you asked me not to.”
“It was really sweet that you cared for me.” She gave him a half-smile.
His chest clenched. Because he had wanted to care for her. But that wasn’t what she’d wanted. How had he read it so wrong? For a moment when they were making love he’d wondered if they could somehow make this work. Because she’d felt like everything right then.
Damn, he was being an ass. Of course they couldn’t make it work. She was country and he was city. There was no way she’d ever come to Boston, and he’d never ask her to. He’d only let her down, the same way he always did.
You’re never home when I need you.
I called all night and you never picked up.
Why can’t you love me the way you love your damn restaurants?
He’d heard all that and more. And they’d been right, every one of them. He’d had enough therapy to know he was simply bad at relationships. Hadn’t had one yet that ended in a good way.
And it looked like this one was going in exactly the same direction.
So why did his heart feel like it was being squeezed by a vice grip?
“I’ll leave for the airport at sun up,” he told her, pressing his lips together. “Maybe we should just… I don’t know… let this go. I don’t want to cause you any more pain.” His chest felt heavy, making it harder to breathe.
“You think we should end it?” Her eyes looked glassy.
“Don’t you?”
Her bottom lip trembled. “I guess… if you think we should. It’s not as though we could ever be anything more than friends.” She glanced up at him. “Right?”
“Right.” He nodded firmly.
Her gaze dipped again. Shit, it was getting hard to breathe. Like his chest was full of whatever sickness she had. Why the hell couldn’t he do this right?
She turned on her side and grabbed a tissue from the side table. “Sorry, I need to blow my nose.” She blew loudly, then took a long, deep breath. “You’re right. We’re risking too much and for what? Sex?” Her shoulders shook, as though she was laughing. He wasn’t sure whether he was glad he couldn’t see her face or not. All he knew was that the pain in his chest wasn’t going away. Instead, it kept getting tighter and tighter.
The sound of an engine starting up rumbled through the room, the loud hum decreasing as the car drove away.
“I guess he’s gone,” Logan said, his eyes trained on her bare back. Her shoulders were hunched, her two wing-like blades prominent through her lustrous skin. “Maybe I should go, too. In case he comes back.”
She nodded, her hair moving up and down. “Yeah, you probably should.”
The shivers she’d thought had gone thanks to Logan’s chicken soup and hot shower returned tenfold as soon as he left her bedroom. Courtney’s body trembled beneath the blankets as she heard the front door slam shut, then a few moments later the roar of his rental car. A sob escaped from her lips, and she put her hand over her mouth to stifle the sound even though there was nobody there to hear it.
There was nobody here at all except for her. And there wouldn’t ever be. She was all alone. Again.
Hot tears rolled down her already-heated cheeks, pooling at her chin before dropping to the mattress. She’d been such a fool. For a moment there, she’d hoped he’d contradict her. Tell her this was more than a hook up for him. That he’d begun to fall for her the way she was falling for him. But instead he’d walked away.
She should be grateful for his honesty. She knew that. And for the fact he had enough sense to know this was going nowhere. It couldn’t. There was no way she was ready to start another relationship. No way she could tell Ellis and Mary – or Carl – that she was replacing Shaun with a suave restaurant executive who lived in Boston.
She owed them more than that. All of them.
She rolled onto her back, wiping the tears away with the back of her hand, then grabbed her phone, quickly scrolling down her contacts until she reached Lainey’s name.
Can you come over in the morning? I need your help.
She sent the message quickly. Three little dots appeared on the screen, telling her Lainey was awake and replying.
Sure. Is everything okay?
Courtney slid her fingers across the keyboard, quickly tapping out a response.
Not really. But it will be. I just really need my best friend tomorrow.
Lainey’s answer came back quickly.
You’ve got me, babe. I’ll be over first thing in the morning. I’ll bring us some pancakes. xx
Courtney blinked back the fresh tears that sprung to her eyes. It was okay. Or it would be. She’d gotten through so many worse things than this. She’d tell Lainey about it, they’d eat all the pancakes, and somehow life would go back to normal.
Without him, and the way he made her feel.
She put her phone back on the bedside table, knowing he wouldn’t message her when he arrived at the airport, nor when he got back to Boston.
The fact was, he wouldn’t be messaging her again.
Somehow, her heart would have to get used to that.
Chapter Eight
SIX WEEKS LATER.
Courtney rushed across the town square, zipping her padded jacket up and nestling her face into the silver scarf she’d wrapped around her neck. The air had turned cold in the past few days, making her cheeks turn pink and her breath opaque. It was a little over a week until Thanksgiving would be here, and the shops had already started to decorate their windows for the holidays. Red tinsel was strung across the window of Murphy’s Diner, sparkling silver bells hanging from it. On the wall outside was a poster for the Chaplin Drive-In Theater’s Holiday season, starting with It’s A Wonderful Life on the first of December.
She used to love this time of year. As a child, their Christmas countdown had always begun on the Friday after Thanksgiving, when she and her mom would pull out the three huge boxes of decorations stacked in the garage, and together they’d decide on that year’s theme. For the past two years, she hadn’t even bothered to decorate her little cottage. There didn’t seem much point when she was there alone.
She tightened her hold on her oversized purse, her mind drawn to the brown paper bag nestled inside. It had been in there unopened for two days. Ever since she’d had the gumption to drive to Maple Cross and walk into the drugstore, hoping nobody would recognize her in the town across from Hartson’s Creek.
It had been more than a month since she’d heard from Logan Hartson. To her surprise, he’d messaged her when he returned to Boston, just to check she was feeling better. She’d replied that she was much better and that had been that.
No more words. No more messages. No more frantic visits on a night where time seemed to disappear and only desire mattered. He was gone for good, and that was exactly how it should be.
Didn’t matter that it felt like she didn’t quite fit into her skin anymore. It was for the best, anybody could see that.
Or it was, until she’d missed her second period.
The first one she hadn’t noticed. It was a couple of weeks after he’d left her that night and she still wasn’t thinking properly. It had been difficult enough to put on a normal face for Ellis and Mary, and smile politely at Ca
rl whenever he visited them for dinner.
But then she’d missed her second period last week and that’s when she started panicking. With her being sick, she wasn’t sure whether she’d taken her pill the weekend that Logan visited.
The fact was, she couldn’t remember. Her skin prickled at the thought of it. How could she be so stupid? They’d always doubled up on contraception, but this time, they’d failed completely.
She walked into the I Can Make You Beautiful salon, the bell ringing over her head. Lainey looked up from the desk where she had the phone jammed under her chin and her laptop open.
“You got it?”
Courtney nodded.
“Ladies,” Lainey announced loudly to her co-workers, hanging up the phone and walking around the desk. “We’ll be in my office if you need me.”
“You don’t have an office,” Courtney said, frowning.
Lainey grabbed Courtney’s hand, dragging her to the restrooms at the back of the shop. Once they were inside, she slid the bolt firmly closed and held her hand out. “Gimme.”
Courtney opened her purse and pulled the brown bag out, passing the rectangular carton to Lainey. Her friend turned it over, squinting as she read the words, before she opened it up and pulled the wand out.
“Okay, you need to pee on this.”
Courtney let out a deep breath. Maybe she should have gone home and done this in the privacy of her cottage, but the thought of being alone when she got the result made her want to hurl.
Everything made her want to hurl. Dear God, was she really pregnant?
She took the stick from Lainey and turned it over in her hand.
“Come on, just go and do it. You need to know either way.” Lainey gave her a small smile.
Yeah she did. But the self-preservation part of her wanted to hide and pretend none of this was happening. There weren’t many reasons why you missed two periods and felt nauseous in the morning.
“Go on.” Lainey made a shooing movement with her hands. “Go tinkle.”
Three minutes later they were staring at the words in the window at the center of the test.
Pregnant.
“Okay then,” Lainey said, her voice less sure than before. “So now we know.”
Courtney nodded, her eyes wide. “Yeah, we do.” She slumped against the pink tiled wall of the bathroom and let out a sigh. “I’m having a baby.”
Lainey’s face lit up. “Oh my god, you are! You’re having a cute little baby.” She started to jump up and down. “This is amazing.”
There was a rap of knuckles on the bathroom door. Lainey sighed and slid the bolt, pulling the door open. “What?” she asked abruptly. “Unless you’re about to piss your pants, maybe you could give us a minute?”
“Um, your twelve o’clock appointment has arrived,” Nicole told her.
“Can you be a darling and offer her a cup of coffee? I’ll be right there,” Lainey asked, her voice sugary sweet.
“Sure.”
Lainey closed the door behind her and whispered. “It’s Della Thorsen.”
“Who’s Della Thorsen?”
“My next appointment. She’s the town gossip. If I keep her waiting she’ll know something’s up. Her nose is more sensitive than a blood hound.”
“It’s okay. You go and tend to her.” Courtney attempted a smile, but her lips weren’t playing ball. “I’m going to grab a coffee from Murphy’s and sit in the square. To think.”
“Best make it decaf,” Lainey pointed out. “Better for the baby.”
The baby. There were those two words again. Ones she never thought would apply to her. A tiny living human was growing in her stomach, and she had no idea what to do with that thought.
“And I’m coming around tonight. We need a plan of action.” Lainey hugged her tight. “You’re having a baby,” she said again, squealing.
Courtney grimaced. “Say it louder, Della might hear you.”
Lainey grinned and planted a huge kiss in the center of Courtney’s cheek. “Don’t worry, Mama, your secret’s safe with me.”
As it turned out, Murphy’s decaf tasted like crap. Courtney held the cup close in her palms to keep them warm as she sat on the white painted bench in the middle of the town square. In a couple of weeks there would be lights weaved through the bare branches of the oak trees, and the columns holding up the roof of the bandstand would be wrapped in red, to look like real life candy canes. All ready for Hartson’s Creek’s holiday celebration.
Shaun never had much time for Christmas when he was alive. As a farmer, he didn’t even take the whole day off. There were always animals to feed and repairs to do in the morning. They’d usually go to Ellis and Mary’s for lunch, exchange their presents, and maybe fall asleep in front of some old family movie on their old television. Then they’d go home and Shaun would shower and sleep while Courtney called her dad and stepmom to exchange holiday wishes.
For the past two Christmases she’d done the same, only Shaun hadn’t been there. Mary would still try to make their farmhouse look festive, and roast a ham so big they’d be eating leftovers into January. But it had felt like they were each playing a part that didn’t suit them. She couldn’t wait to get home and climb into bed to count the hours until the holidays were over.
She took a sip of the disgusting coffee and winced. She’d be over three months pregnant by Christmas. Would she be showing by then? Would they be able to tell she was hiding something just by looking at her face?
How about Carl? What would he think?
Her heart started hammering in her ribcage. How the heck had she gotten herself into this?
Because she’d had unprotected sex with a hot guy. She of all people should understand the birds and the bees. She’d seen enough animals through pregnancy to know exactly how procreation worked.
She’d have to tell Logan. Just thinking his name made her breath catch in her throat. How the hell was she going to let him know? Send him a text?
It would go something like, Hey, remember that night we had sex when I was ill? Surprise! We’re having a baby.
She groaned at the thought of it. Would he think she was trying to trap him? Or that she wanted to reconnect?
And Ellis and Mary. How would they feel, knowing she’d been with a man other than Shaun? As for Carl… the thought of him knowing made her shudder.
“Are you okay? It’s a little cold to be sitting and admiring the view today.”
Courtney looked up to see Sarah Maitland standing in front of her. The fifty-something lady had her grey hair wound into a bun at the nape of her neck. She was wearing a bright red woolen coat that looked so festive it made Courtney’s heart ache. As the wife of Reverend Maitland of the First Baptist Church, Sarah was a familiar face in Sunday Service. Courtney could remember her visiting the cottage with Reverend Maitland two days after Shaun had died. Her words had been gentle and kind.
“I was just a little caught in my thoughts,” Courtney said, looking up. “I’m hoping the cool air might help.”
Sarah sat down on the bench, smoothing her coat beneath her. “I imagine this time of year is hard on you. Not that any time is easy when you’ve lost a loved one.”
Sarah thought she was thinking about Shaun? If only she knew. “It’s not so bad,” Courtney said, tipping her head to the side. “At least things are a little quieter at the farm this time of year. Plus we all have our health. There’s a lot to be thankful for.”
“It doesn’t always work that way though, does it?” Sarah asked softly. “Things like Thanksgiving and Christmas aren’t just reminders of the passing seasons, they’re reminders of what we have and what we’ve lost. Little pegs in the grounds of our lives.” She turned her head to catch Courtney’s gaze. “You look pale. Are you sure you’re okay?”
Courtney smiled grimly. “I’m fine. Just thinking about how to tell somebody something they don’t want to hear.”
Sarah laughed. “That one’s never easy. And nobody ever handles it the s
ame way. I’ve known people to dance around the truth for months. Years, even. And others to blurt things out before they’ve thought through the consequences.”
“Maybe there’s a middle way,” Courtney murmured.
“There usually is,” Sarah agreed. “But what I find the best way of all is to mix truth with empathy. Give them the space to digest what you’ve shared. Understand that their first response might not be their final one. But always know that the truth is what’s important. That’s the light that will see you through.”
She made it sound so simple. But right now the truth felt like a weapon. One that would stab Ellis and Mary in the heart, and explode its way through Logan’s life. As for her? Right now the truth felt like a burden. One that weighed heavily on her soul.
“There’s one other thing to remember,” Sarah said, taking Courtney’s hand and folding it in her own. “You have a right to have a life. And a good one, too. You’ve gone through something no young woman should have to go through. You’ve lost the man who was supposed to be by your side forever. But that doesn’t mean you have to mourn him for the rest of your life.” She smiled and it lit up her face. “You deserve happiness, Courtney. You’re a lovely, beautiful woman. Any man would be lucky to have you by his side. So if you’re sitting here worried about that, please don’t. God wants you to be happy, and I do, too.”
Tears prickled at Courtney’s eyes. Sarah’s words sounded so full of hope. And that’s what she wanted. Hope. A future. The light that would lead the way.
Is that what this baby was? Something hopeful? She glanced down at her still-flat stomach, covered with the padding of her coat.
Whatever happened, this baby was hers. He or she needed her. And she’d take care of it the way she’d taken care of everything else in her life. With a strong, fierce love that didn’t let the darkness in.