by Carrie Elks
Courtney inhaled raggedly. “I broke him,” she whispered.
“No you didn’t. He was already broken. That’s why he treated you badly. Why he ended up driving while drunk. And none of that has anything to do with you.” Her eyes flashed as she leaned forward. “As for Logan, he’s not broken. Not from what you’ve told me. Hell, he may be a little messed up, but aren’t we all? He’s not going to hurt you, Courtney. Not the way Shaun did.”
Courtney’s chest felt as though somebody was pressing down on it, pushing all the air out of her. Realization passed over her; she was afraid. So afraid of getting hurt the way Shaun had hurt her. And so scared of hurting the people she loved. But now it meant she’d pushed Logan away at the time he needed her most.
And she needed him in exactly the same way.
“You okay?” Lainey asked when Courtney had been silent for a while.
“Just thinking,” Courtney said softly.
“About Logan?”
Courtney’s lip lifted up. “Kind of. About me, really, and all the things that have happened to me. And here I am, moving forward.”
“Yes you are. Because you’re an amazingly strong woman. And you’re gonna make the most fantastic mom.”
“Oh! I forgot to tell you. I felt the baby kick.”
Lainey’s mouth dropped open, an indignant expression molding her features. “You did? When? Why didn’t you tell me? Dammit Courtney, you need to talk more.”
“Tonight, when I got home. I was crying about Logan and everything else and then I felt this little tap inside me. I thought it was my imagination at first, but then the baby did it again. That’s when I messaged you.”
Lainey looked almost mollified. “Okay, I’ll let you off. Do you think I could feel it?”
“It’s too soon.” Courtney wrinkled her nose with sympathy. “And anyway, don’t you think Logan should feel it first? He’s the dad.”
“And there’s your shade of grey,” Lainey said, her voice approving. “Even though I hate this particular one.” She stuffed part of her donut in her mouth, waiting to continue until she’d swallowed it down. “You’re going to be okay, you know? More than okay.”
“I hope so,” Courtney said. And maybe that little hole inside was filling up a little. With the baby’s kicks and Lainey’s words.
The rest of the void? Well, she’d have to work out how to fill that herself.
Logan’s cheeks were aching from smiling and talking and pretending that everything was okay. That he hadn’t fucked up the one good thing in his life.
It was almost eleven. He knew that from checking his phone, the way he had every fifteen minutes in the vain hope that she’d messaged or called or done something to tell him it was going to be okay.
But there was nothing. He shouldn’t be surprised. She was the one who’d suggested they needed space from each other. Why would she contact him? But it still felt like a blunt knife to his chest, slowly twisting and turning and making everything inside him ache. He was a fixer. He didn’t let things get him down. He saw what the problem was and handled it immediately – that’s how he’d become so successful in the restaurant industry. And that was why half of him wanted to be on a plane right now, flying to see her, to sort this out, instead of thinking things through.
“The food was beautiful,” Maddie said, walking up behind him where he was standing at the bar. Everybody was still seated, the room filled with laughter and chatter that meant nothing to him. He couldn’t even bring himself to be pleased that the opening night was going so well.
“Thanks.” He flashed her a smile. And yeah, his cheeks still ached.
“Are you okay?” she asked, her brows furrowed together. “Any news from Courtney?” He’d given his family the low down when they arrived at the restaurant earlier. There had been sighs of relief that Carl was okay. But he hadn’t been able to tell them the truth about his conversation with Courtney. Or that it felt as though everything was messed up.
He could hardly understand it himself. How could he explain it to them?
“I’m guessing she’s gone to bed,” he said, his jaw tight. “It’s been a long day for her.”
Maddie nodded. “You’re right. She must be exhausted. I’ll call her tomorrow.” She smiled brightly at him. “It’s a shame she couldn’t be here.”
“Yeah.” His voice was rough. “And if you call her, can you tell her I’m thinking of her?”
There was a pause as Maddie took in his words. “Is there something wrong between the two of you?” she asked. “Why wouldn’t you tell her yourself?”
Logan swallowed hard. “It’s nothing. We just had a few words, that’s all.”
“About what?”
“Logan, I need you,” Paris said, flashing Maddie a smile. “Sorry, we need to do a quick interview with the trade press. I hope you don’t mind me stealing him?”
“Not at all,” Maddie said, her eyes still wary as they scanned Logan’s face. “I was headed to the bathroom anyway. I’ll catch you later, Logan.”
He felt a wave of relief wash over him. At least he didn’t need to explain himself to her right now. But he knew it was a brief reprieve. She would mention it to Gray, who’d talk to Tanner and Cam, and even Becca. All of them would be dissecting his love life before he’d finished the interview.
They’d know what a mess he’d made of everything.
His chest tightened at the thought. He’d just about held it together for the past few hours, mostly from ignoring the fact that he’d messed up. But if they made him talk, he would probably sob like a baby.
That was why he planned on avoiding his family for as long as possible.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
It took an hour, but eventually Cam managed to corner Logan while he was outside in the alley, trying to get some air.
“What happened?” Cam asked, walking over to where Logan was leaning against the wall, letting the cold Boston air freeze his skin. “Maddie said you and Courtney are having problems? I thought everything was okay.”
Logan lifted his head up. “Courtney wants us to have some space. She’s asked me not to call her.” He leaned against the wall he’d just hit. Luckily, it held no grudges. “This was supposed to be the biggest night of my life, man, and I messed everything up.”
Cam frowned. “Why does she want space? I don’t get it.”
Logan rubbed his brow with the heel of his hand. “I asked her to come out here now that she knows Carl’s okay and she refused. Said she needs to be with her family.” He breathed out raggedly. “But I thought I was supposed to be her family. Me and the baby.”
“You asked her to choose?” Cam asked, lifting an eyebrow.
Logan nodded. “I guess I assumed. And she took that as me expecting her to make the same kind of sacrifices I am. She thinks I’m going to regret leaving all this behind.” He gestured at the restaurant in front of them.
Cam turned, leaning against the wall next to Logan, turning his head so their faces were only inches apart. “You always did expect too much from people.” He lifted an eyebrow. “And you’re a really sore loser.”
“Says the guy who plays in the NFL.”
“Yeah, I play,” Cam agreed. “Doesn’t mean I always expect to win.”
Logan frowned. “That’s a can of shit. You always want to win.”
“I didn’t say I don’t want to win. I said I don’t always expect to win. There’s a difference.” Cam’s voice was low, shrouded by the night. “When I lose, I pick myself up and play again. When you lose, you take yourself out of the game.”
“What do you mean?” Logan asked him.
“Look at your knee injury. How many times have you played football since you came out of the hospital?”
Logan shook his head. “Never. You know that. They said I could never play again.”
“They said you could never play professionally. Nothing about not playing for fun, or playing in a local league. But you decided that if you couldn’t be
the best, you wouldn’t play at all. Same with relationships. Remember the counseling you had? Trying to work through why you always messed things up?”
“Yeah, I remember.” Though right now he was regretting telling his brother about it.
“You never put any effort in when it came to those. Because you couldn’t control the outcome. It’s as if you can’t feel like a failure if you don’t play. And that’s why this hurts. Because for once in your life you actually took a leap in the dark. Threw yourself into something you had no control over. And now you feel like you’ve failed.”
“You’re making me sound like a coward.” Logan leaned his head back against the cold brick.
“You’re not a coward. Look at everything you’ve achieved. You’re just,” Cam scrunched his nose up, “I don’t know. You like to control things. The outcomes. And that’s been massively successful in your professional life. I don’t know anybody who could achieve what you have. But in your private life?” Cam shrugged. “It leads you here. Trying to control other people because you’re scared shitless that they might let you down.”
Logan opened his mouth to protest again, but the words got stuck in his throat. There was an honesty to Cam’s words that hurt. He was right about Logan never wanting to play football again. He hadn’t seen the point if he couldn’t be the best. And the best was what he’d become in the restaurant world. He’d made damn sure of that.
But with Courtney? He had no control. And it scared him.
“You gotta learn to let go of the outcome,” Cam said softly. “Which I know sounds crazy coming from someone like me. But if you keep trying to control people they’re gonna let you down, because nobody wants to be your puppet.”
“Is that what you think I was doing? Trying to control Courtney?” Logan asked, his chest tighter than ever. Had asking her to choose been controlling?
“Yeah, I do. I don’t think you needed to ask her to come here tonight. You told us earlier that she had a hell of a day. She needs to relax, take care of herself and the baby, not travel here to see you being the big man on campus.”
Logan swallowed hard, thinking about the baby. Damn, he hoped Courtney was resting right now. “I feel like I’m competing with a dead man,” he whispered, to himself as much as his twin.
“Dead people can’t compete. They’re dead.” Cam shook his head. “You can’t make everything in life a competition. You gotta trust in your gut. Trust in the people you love to treat you right. Don’t keep pushing them, because you’ll always be disappointed. Courtney and the baby are the best things that have ever happened to you. Everybody says so. Gray, Maddie, Tanner, and especially Becca.” He chuckled. “You’ve smiled more in the past few months than you have in years. And when the two of you are together, you just work. She calms you. Makes you a better man. And I’m telling you now, that if I ever find someone who makes me smile like that I’m gonna cling onto them and never let go.” He nudged Logan’s shoulder with his own. “Hell, maybe I should talk to Courtney. See if she likes NFL players.”
“Fuck you. Leave her alone,” Logan growled.
This time, Cam laughed loudly. “You need to pull your head out of your ass before you lose her. She’s everything and she loves you.”
Logan blinked. “You think she still loves me after this?”
“Why don’t you ask her that?”
“Because she wants space, remember?”
Cam slowly nodded his head. “Yeah, I remember. And it’s right that you give her some time if she’s asked for it. But eventually one of you will have to make the first move.” The corner of his lips quirked up. “And as controlling as it sounds, I think it should be you.”
“You think she’ll want me to?” Logan felt hope surge through his body.
“I don’t know,” Cam admitted. “And neither do you. And I understand that scares the shit out of you. But what I do know is that the two of you are having a baby, one that deserves to have two parents who are at least civil to each other. Hopefully more.” He nudged his brother once again. “And if you aren’t, then this uncle’s gonna bash your head in.”
“I’d like to see you try.”
The kitchen door opened, light spilling onto the dark concrete. Tanner and Gray walked out. “Everything okay?” Gray asked, as the two of them made their way outside.
Logan’s eyes met Cam’s. “Yeah,” he said, pulling his gaze back to his older brother. It wasn’t exactly a lie. “I just needed a breath of air.”
“Well if you two are done having your twin moment, you should come back in,” Tanner said, grinning at them both. “Becca’s drunk, Maddie’s half-asleep, and Van is talking about us all going clubbing. So I suggest we have one last drink and head back to our hotel.” He clapped Logan’s shoulder. “I want to raise a glass to my big brother.”
“I’m your big brother, too,” Cam pointed out. “And so is Gray.”
“Then I’ll raise a glass to you all. It’s not often we get the chance to spend time together like this.”
“Especially without kids,” Gray pointed out. “And there’ll be another little Hartson very soon.”
Logan’s mouth felt dry at the thought. He would be a dad in five month’s time. Totally responsible for another life, when he didn’t even have his own sorted. Weird how that thought hit him like a bolt from the blue when he’d seen the baby on the ultrasound screen, ran his hand over Courtney’s soft bump. Gray had told him before how hard he’d found it to connect with the twins during Maddie’s pregnancy, at least until he could feel them move and kick and squirm against his hand. And then when they’d been born, he’d felt a love so fierce it had taken his breath away.
Would Logan be the same? He was pretty sure he would be. And the thought scared him because if he thought he was out of control at the moment, that feeling would be tenfold once he was a father.
He had a lot to think about. But for now, he was going to go inside the restaurant and spend time with his family. The ones he was born with – not the family he intended to make with the only woman who’d ever stolen his heart.
“Come on, I’ll buy you all a drink,” he muttered, inclining his head at the kitchen door.
Cam slapped him on the back. “Sounds good to me.”
“Tonight was amazing,” Paris said when all the guests had gone and they’d finished shutting the restaurant down. It was almost two a.m. and Logan was beat. “I still can’t believe that you’re leaving this all behind.” She said as she pulled on her coat and they walked to the door. “This is who you are, Logan. It’s what you excel at.” She waved her hand at the restaurant, her eyes intense. “Look at what we’ve achieved together.”
He turned his head to look. Chairs and tables. Empty plates and stacked cutlery. It sent no thrill through him at all. “I’m done with this,” he told her. “It’s over.”
“You’ll be back,” she told him. “Just as soon as the excitement with your farm girl has worn off. She can’t keep you happy, Logan. You and I both know that. You’re a man that likes to get things done. What will you do there, spend your life changing diapers? You’re better than that.”
“There’s nothing better than that,” he told her. And he knew it was true. He didn’t need a week to think about it. Everything he wanted was in Hartson’s Creek. The woman he loved, the baby he knew he would be crazy over.
His whole damn heart.
“You’ll regret it,” she told him. “You will. Nothing will ever feel as good as this does. We’re vampires, Logan. We feed off this high.”
He shook his head. “I used to be. Once. But now I realize how crazy that is. Working like a madman just to make a few more bucks. To get our name in the paper and all over the city. But that doesn’t keep you warm at night. It doesn’t fill your heart. Not like family and love and knowing there’s a little piece of you growing inside of the woman you love.”
She blinked, her mouth tight. “So you really are doing this, huh?”
Yeah, he was leavin
g this behind. And going to Hartson’s Creek. He was in love with Courtney Roberts. All he wanted to do was take care of her and their baby.
Now he just needed to find a way to persuade her that he meant it.
Chapter Thirty
Giving somebody space was much harder than it sounded once you realized you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Logan barely slept on Saturday night, and Sunday was a blur of breakfast with the family at his favorite Boston diner, followed by farewells as most of his family left for the airport to head home, while Cam was leaving with the team for a football game the following evening.
That left Logan alone in Boston, with his thoughts and the knowledge that he had five days to decide how to make this better. Every few minutes his fingers would reach for his phone, his resolve wavering as he thought about calling her.
He wanted to hear her voice. There was an ache in his heart that wouldn’t go away, no matter how much he tried to ignore it. He knew that talking to her would soothe it. Make it all feel better.
But she’d asked for him to take some time and he was going to do that for her. For a little while, at least.
Walking toward the floor-to-ceiling windows that gave him a perfect view of Boston sprawling out beneath him, he leaned his head on the glass, his breath fogging it as he exhaled heavily. It was impossible to remember the last time he’d actually had time on his hands to think. Cam probably would tell him that was dangerous. The corner of his mouth lifted as he thought of his twin.
Cam had been right yesterday when he’d told Logan that he needed to let go of the outcome. But it was almost impossible not to wonder how to fix this thing between them. Standing here in an apartment he didn’t want to live in, looking down at a city he didn’t feel part of anymore, more than anything he wanted to fix it.