“Is she the reason you’re here in my office today?” Dr. Shafer inquired.
Zander thought about that before speaking. There were so many ways to respond. “She encouraged me to call, so, yes.”
Dr. Shafer was thoughtful for a moment. “With other sex addicts I’ve seen, one pattern I tend to notice is that they steer clear of committed relationships. Some because they’re simply not interested in settling down with one person, others because they think monogamy is impossible for them, but most are honestly afraid they’ll end up hurting their partner if their urges cause them to step outside of the relationship,” she explained. “So… tell me, Mr. Hale, can you identify with any of these perspectives?”
Zander went quiet. Quiet because, at any given time in his life, he identified with all of those varying logics. He went through a spell of thinking he didn’t deserve stability, mostly because he couldn’t guarantee he could give it in return. He’d been the guy who was blinded by all the available women, thinking there were too many to sample to commit to just one.
“Right now, I’m not sure I fit into any of those categories, to be quite honest with you.”
Dr. Shafer was clearly intrigued. “I’m listening.”
This, sharing his thoughts so freely, wasn’t an easy thing, but he managed to keep things in perspective, fought the inclination to shut down.
“I’m not afraid of monogamy,” he replied, only now coming to terms with everything as the words were leaving his mouth. “And I’m also unconcerned with the possibility of hurting her because,” he paused and a quiet laugh slipped out, which made Dr. Shafer smile, too, as she listened. “…well, I’m just about positive she’s somehow killed my appetite for other women.” There was a distant look in his eyes as the rest of his statement was spoken more to himself than to his doctor. “She’s all I think about. I can’t remember the last time I was even tempted to stray.”
“Stray… so you and this woman are in a committed, exclusive relationship?” Dr. Shafer inquired, coming to her own conclusion based on Zander’s use of the word.
He breathed deep. “Not exactly. It’s… complicated.”
And it was exactly that.
Dr. Shafer noted the distant look in Zander’s eyes as he contemplated his situation. Instead of pushing him deeper in, she shifted the conversation back in the direction she intended for it to go.
“What inner-strength do you draw on that centers you?”
That question took Zander back. He recalled once thinking sex gave him that, brought balance to his life, but he wasn’t so sure anymore. Yes, he still enjoyed sex, but it was no longer about control like it had once been.
“I’m a survivor,” he blurted, wondering where the answer had come from. It was simply the first thing that popped into his mind and he went with it because it felt right.
Dr. Shafer made another note and Zander barely noticed as his thoughts wandered.
“A survivor,” she said thoughtfully. “Tell me what you mean. Tell me why you answered that way.”
“Because I’ve been through some… pretty ugly things,” Zander admitted, briefly thinking over each scenario that threatened to break him in every way imaginable. “But, through it all, I refused to believe that was the end for me. I refused to accept that my life wasn’t meant to amount to more, that I wasn’t supposed to… rise above,” was the term he settled on, finally able to express himself.
Throughout his life, he’d been accused of thinking more highly of himself than he ought to—by his mother, his grandfather, schoolmates. For all he knew, this was simply another case of that same haughty thinking taking ahold of him, but it was true. He’d felt out of place nearly everywhere he ever settled. It wasn’t until he severed familial ties that he began to find himself. It was in his solitude, aside from having Liam around, that the real Zander Hale began to emerge. No, he wasn’t perfect, but, once separated from those who tugged him down into the muck, he began to shed some of their lies and negativity.
This addiction was something he struggled with for years and he never had a problem owning it. This was indeed who he was. But what he did have a problem accepting was that this was the end all be all for him. This, too, felt like something he was meant to rise above, something he should’ve outgrown years ago.
Yet, here he was.
“Was this innate desire to survive something you realized about yourself as a child?” she asked.
It was his first reaction to shy away from any inquiries that could lead to talk of his childhood, but he reminded himself of the many reasons he’d come here today.
“I’ve definitely always been this way, but I didn’t recognize it until I got older and reflected a bit, revisited some things I used to go out of my way to forget.”
His eyes dimmed when he drifted down that dark road, this time alone without Vanessa there to, literally, hold his hand.
“The early years of your life were rough,” Dr. Shafer observed.
Zander nodded, feeling what was coming next.
“Is that something you’re ready to elaborate on or would you prefer to go deeper into that in a later session?” she asked, clearly not pushing. “I know we’re just getting started, so I’d completely understand if you’re not comfortable.”
Zander politely lifted a hand to let her know she hadn’t overstepped. After a moment, he explained. “I don’t um… I don’t talk about my past often, but recently I’ve found it somewhat freeing to share bits and pieces.”
Dr. Shafer gestured for Zander to proceed whenever he was ready.
Wetting his lips, he thought back to that night in the mountains a few weeks ago, thought back on how he’d been able to open up to Vanessa—the first person he’d ever told the entire story to. Now, in this incredibly vulnerable moment, he closed his eyes and imagined it was her listening as he talked now.
“My mother gave me up to a man she knew for a fact to be an abuser—her father.”
He didn’t open his eyes to look at Dr. Shafer, but he heard her pen moving on the sheet of paper.
“An abuser. I’m assuming you mean physical?” she asked.
A deep breath moved Zander’s chest up and down as he gathered himself, preparing to move forward in the conversation. “Physical. Emotional. Sexual.”
She went quiet again, taking notes. A twinge of guilt panged him as he thought of how difficult he’d made this for Vanessa months ago when she tried to help much in the same way Dr. Shafer was today. Already, he’d given this stranger so much more information to work with, but, in all honesty, he was only being so compliant because of Vanessa. She believed in him and that was something he held close to his heart. There hadn’t been many women who’ve had faith in him over the years, so he wouldn’t take that for granted.
“Do you believe there’s a link between your past and your present condition? Could it be that the sexual abuse, the abuse period, is the reason you’ve developed this addiction?”
When Zander stared blankly, it was on the tip of his tongue to ask his doctor, Captain Obvious, ‘What gave it away?’, but he refrained. Sarcasm wouldn’t make this session more productive. Just when he was getting ready to answer the question, Dr. Shafer smiled and spoke again.
“I know what you’re thinking and, yes, that was an incredibly simplified way to break this all down, but it’s important to establish a baseline. Almost as important as it is for us to both make sure we understand this condition for what it is. As with all addictions, this is a manifestation of an inward issue that’s gone unresolved. So, while I’m sure that you, as a doctor yourself, most likely made this correlation years ago, I’d appreciate you letting me know we’re on the same page.”
Softening his expression now that he understood, Zander nodded. “Yes, I’d definitely say there’s a strong connection.”
Dr. Shafer’s pen was going again and he waited.
“Well, I think that’s it for today. This session was, of course, only abbreviated because it’s our
first, but if you plan to come see me again next week, we’ll be able to dig in a little deeper.”
Zander nodded, deciding he had no reason not to return.
“Good,” Dr. Shafer smiled. “Molly will get you scheduled when you head out and, if there aren’t any further questions, I’ll see you here next week.”
Standing to his feet, Zander extended his hand to shake his new doctor’s—a woman whose beauty and intelligence he was well aware of, but, for the first time ever, being in the presence of a woman of her caliber didn’t stir him up even a little.
That was perhaps what stood out to him most about today’s session.
He’d made it through the entire appointment without so much as a sideways glance at this woman. The tide was indeed shifting and he could hardly keep up with all the changes.
“Thank you for your time,” he said once he released her hand.
“It was my pleasure,” she replied, opening her office door.
Zander stepped out into the hallway feeling like he’d come so far already. No, he didn’t like the idea of having to see someone other than Vanessa, but he understood. This visit was the first step in the right direction and, although he knew the journey wouldn’t be an easy one, he knew he wouldn’t fail.
After all, he was a survivor.
Chapter Twenty-One
Simon’s custodial weekends seemed to come back around quickly. The part Vanessa hated most, aside from having to be away from Ryan those couple days, was the handoff. Whenever Simon had to work late and couldn’t pick Ryan up from school, which had been the case this week, they were forced into these awkward, Saturday morning exchanges at her front door. It felt too much like sending Ryan away and, to her, it amplified their dysfunctionality just a little bit more. So, because there was a last minute emergency with one of Simon’s clients, Vanessa found herself in this uncomfortable position once more.
“Be good,” she muffled against Ryan’s shoulder as they embraced. “And no scary movies,” she added, remembering how she had to make room for him in her bed a couple weeks ago. Apparently, Simon thought Friday the 13th was a suitable movie choice for their young son.
“Yes, ma’am,” Ryan giggled, most likely remembering the same thing Vanessa had. She couldn’t resist hugging him one last time before he ran off to Simon’s car.
“I’ll have him back sometime tomorrow,” Simon promised.
Vanessa nodded once, offering a tight smile as she shoved both hands inside the pockets of her hoodie.
“Okay. Call before you come just to make sure I’m home.” She had plans to grocery shop tomorrow for the upcoming week, just like she did every Sunday, but hadn’t decided what time.
Simon nodded, but mistook her request for a courtesy call as something it wasn’t. He still hadn’t forgotten the texting and grinning she’d done a couple weeks prior while they spoke in the breakroom. His attempt at convincing himself he’d read too much into her behavior was all for nothing. The feeling that she was up to something hadn’t left him.
The thought that she might be seeing someone had actually first entered his mind when she brought up the idea of severing their partnership. However, then, he dismissed the thought, believing the reason might have been simpler than that—because she hated him. But now, more and more, he was beginning to think she had, in fact, found someone.
“I hear the weather should be nice all weekend,” Simon said casually. “I’m thinking about taking Ryan to watch a junior league football game at the park near my apartment this afternoon. I spoke to the coach and he said he’d consider letting him join the season late if he’s interested. I mean… if you’re okay with that,” he added.
She shrugged. “Yeah, as long as that’s what he wants.”
Things were going smoothly so far by Simon’s calculations, so maybe he could push a little harder. It was killing him not knowing if his suspicions were valid.
“What about you? Got any interesting plans?” he asked.
She peered up at him, feeling her shoulders tense as her defenses went up. That always happened when he started asking questions. It wasn’t that she had anything major going on, nothing too personal to share, but it was the simple fact that it was none of his business. She was none of his business.
With a heavy sigh, she decided to continue with the cordiality they managed to settle into lately. If she could avoid arguing with him, she preferred that for Ryan’s sake.
“Mostly, I’ll just be catching up on laundry and I saved a few movies on the DVR that I plan to watch. Nothing too exciting,” she added, forcing a smile. Truthfully, she didn’t mind conversing with him as long as it was civil, but she didn’t want him to get in the habit of thinking it was okay to pry into her life.
“Oh, well… sounds like fun,” he teased, smiling back at her. But then something happened. His curiosity got the best of him and he added more instead of stopping while he was ahead. It was one question, one word, actually, but it was too much. That one word was: “Alone?”
As soon as it was in the atmosphere, he saw her expression change. Her brown eyes seemed darker and the once polite smile was now nonexistent.
“I didn’t mean… I just…”
“Goodbye, Simon.”
Vanessa pushed the door closed a few inches, but Simon braced his hand against it, just hard enough to make her pause.
“Wait,” he breathed. “I’m… I didn’t… that just slipped out.” And it had. Of course he wanted to know, but he never meant to ask. Mostly, because he knew doing so wouldn’t go well.
However, the question was out there now as were his suspicions. She knew where his mind was and he couldn’t take it back.
Simon exhaled sharply and passed a glance over his shoulder toward his son, seeing he was busy playing his handheld game in the backseat, unaware of the bomb that could potentially detonate between Simon and Vanessa. When his gaze fell on her again, she was staring at him with hell’s fury behind her eyes.
“I know this is none of my business, but… I’m just gonna lay it all out there.”
He may as well. His thoughts were basically all out on the table now anyway.
“Listen,” he began softly, hoping not to anger her further, “this is honestly something that’s been on my mind for a few weeks now.”
Vanessa crossed her arms over her chest.
“Now, I know it’s none of my business, but, because of Ryan, I kind of feel it is,” Simon explained.
That was low even for him, using his son as a pawn, knowing good and well Ryan’s stake in this had nothing to do with the overwhelming concern he had for Vanessa’s personal life. He couldn’t help himself, though. He knew for a fact that Ryan was her weakness and he was desperate to soften her up. The look she cast his way would’ve made a lesser man cower.
“Cut the bull, Simon. This isn’t about Ryan,” she said, calling him out.
He lowered his head. It’d be futile trying to convince her he hadn’t just used their son to manipulate her emotions. She saw right through him.
“So next time you get the inkling to butt into my life. Do us both a favor and don’t,” she asserted, this time succeeding in shutting the door completely when she shoved it.
*****
The echo from the dryer lid slamming shut reverberated throughout the entire house. She was so outdone by Simon, every time she thought about him questioning her earlier, her hands started shaking all over again. He never stopped pushing, a fact that made her more resolute with the conclusion she and Dr. Keiser came to.
She’d gone to see him, following the email she received. The plan they devised was to have her working out of his office within the next two to three months. Her lawyer had already started the dissolution process, so she was almost in the clear. It worked in her favor that the terms of her contract with Simon were drafted pretty loosely because, at the time, they were married and neither thought this day would ever come. So, for all intents and purposes, the most difficult part of this wo
uld be settling the few business accounts she and Simon had open together. But even that was fairly simple. From that point, Simon could rebrand however he saw fit once Ferris and Ferris was all his.
The nightmare was almost over. That’s what she kept reminding herself. In the near future, she wouldn’t have to see him every day—only when it came to co-parenting. At that thought, she breathed a cleansing breath and let some of the tension go.
Plopping back down onto the sofa, she un-paused her movie. The goal was to detox. Not only from the regular stresses of the week, but also from the brief encounter with Simon. Halfway through an episode, her ringing phone made her pause the TV once again. Seeing that it was Zander, she picked up a half-second faster, feeling a rush of excitement pass through her fingers when she did.
They talked off and on during the week, but both had been extremely busy. There was, of course, their usual nighttime conversation, but even that hadn’t felt like enough. It didn’t make up for not seeing one another. In fact, it made her miss him even more.
“Have I caught you at a bad time?” he said in response to her breathy hello.
“Yes,” she giggled. “Holding down the couch is hard work.”
He laughed, too, and Vanessa heard his keys settling on a hard surface. That made her wonder where he’d been.
“Out and about, I hear,” she said, smiling a bit as she imagined someone like him—someone whom she often described as otherworldly—carrying out mundane, everyday tasks like grocery shopping, gassing up his car, taking out the trash.
“Liam needed to take his car in for repairs so I followed him. Otherwise, he would’ve been sitting at the shop all day and I figured that was no fair to the good people working there,” he joked. “Plus… who else was going to pay for it?” he added solemnly.
She noticed his tone seemed to turn sour, sort of cold, whenever he spoke of his brother. He shared with her how he carried Liam most of his life, mostly out of guilt and trying to make up for their mother’s neglect. That couldn’t have been a light burden to carry. Taking it upon himself to undo someone else’s damage, making it his personal mission to prove to his brother that he’s loved because he’d never been shown that before. While, yes, their mother did keep and raise Liam until he was an adolescent and Zander stepped in, Vanessa still got the impression the woman’s version of “raising” him simply meant he had a roof over his head.
Overdose: A British Bad Boy Romance Page 30