Wanting Shaw (Rockers' Legacy Book 5)

by Terri Anne Browning

  Instead, I jerked away from him, my anger finally making a comeback so I could reinforce the walls that had started to crumble when I first saw him standing on my front porch. “You made your choice, Jags,” I told him as I put the island between us.

  His jaw tightened, and I watched a mixture of emotions cross his handsome face before he spoke again. “It was the wrong one. I knew that as soon as I saw your face when you caught me with Gretchen.”

  “Gretchen,” I repeated, hating how my voice cracked. “That was her name?”

  He clenched his eyes shut for a second before he nodded. “Yeah. She was just some girl from school. I swear to you, she doesn’t mean anything to me.”

  I shrugged, knowing he was speaking the truth. “I didn’t think she did. There’s never been a girl who’s meant anything to you, Jags. To you and my brother, all girls are good for is a few hours of fun.”

  “No,” he denied, shaking his head adamantly. It caused his dark brown hair to fall onto his forehead, and I had to clench my hands into fists when I had the insane urge to push those locks into place. “You’re more than that, and you know it, Dimples. I’ll admit that I kept my distance because I was reluctant to give up my friendship with Cannon, but from the very second I looked at you as more than a little sister, I have—”

  “What?” I interrupted with a scoff. “Loved me?”

  He clenched his jaw, but he nodded. “Yes.”

  His immediate answer made my chest squeeze in a funny, painful way, and I felt tears start to sting my eyes. But I blinked them back and lifted my chin. “You loved me so much, you broke my heart?”

  “I was scared. Of losing Cannon. Of losing you if things didn’t work out between us.”

  “And you decided to push me straight out of your life.”

  “I didn’t completely think it through.” His shoulders drooped, but he didn’t lower his gaze. “I was just trying to fix things, and instead, I fucked everything up. I’m sorry, Shaw. I know I messed up, and I’m willing to do anything to fix it and prove to you I’m in this for the long haul.”

  I stood there, my heart beating so hard against my ribs it was hard to breathe. I wanted to believe him, wanted him to mean what he said. I wanted so many things. But then Violet’s lost eyes came back to haunt me, and my own fear began to choke me.

  I loved Jagger, and he’d already hurt me once. I didn’t know if I could handle it if he did it again. I wasn’t like Violet. I wouldn’t be able to keep my mouth shut and not throw a total fit. I would want to cause bodily and emotional harm so bad, Jagger would need professional help.

  “Dimples…” His voice turned imploring when I dropped my eyes to the counter and let a single tear fall. “I know you want us to be the next Vi and Luca, and I can give you that. I swear. I’ll make you so damn happy that—”

  “I don’t want anything that even resembles their relationship,” I gritted out. “I don’t need that kind of love and devotion. Maybe I thought it was what I wanted, but knowing what I know now, that it was all just a mirage of a boy playing at forever, I’d rather not travel down that road.”

  His brow furrowed. “What does that mean?”

  “It means my heart is no longer on the table for you or anyone else to stomp all over,” I told him honestly. “It belongs to me and no one else. That way, I know it’s safe.”

  “We both know it’s already mine,” he growled and stepped toward me. “I fucked up, but it won’t happen again. I swear I’ll show you that you come first with me.”

  “That might have been nice if you’d done it before the party, but now, I’m not interested.” When he came closer, I lifted both hands, trying to keep him at bay. “Stop, Jags.”

  He grasped my wrists and pressed my hands flat against his hard chest. I felt how hard his heart was pounding under my palm. I didn’t know if it was from my touch or something else, but I could feel how out of control he was even though he was pretending to be calm.

  “You’re just mad,” he tried to soothe, but his voice was full of determination. “I’ll fix this. I’ll show you. You’ll forgive me, and we can start our forever.”

  “I won’t. I’m over this.” It was another huge lie, but I refused to ever go through what was happening to Violet. This was for the best. For everyone. I didn’t want to hurt any more than I already was, and I sure as hell didn’t want to lose any more than I already had.

  Releasing one of my hands, he cupped the side of my face, using his thumb under my chin to tilt my head back so I was forced to meet his gaze. “Tell me you don’t love me,” he commanded. “Tell me, and I’ll walk away right now.”

  “I don’t love you.”

  I saw the flash of pain in his blue eyes, but he grinned because my voice had cracked, telling us both exactly how big of a liar I really was. “Say it again.”

  “I…don’t…” Tears spilled from my eyes without my permission. I gulped back the sob suddenly wanting to be free. “I don’t want to love you.”

  “But you do,” he murmured, tenderly wiping away my tears. “And I love you too, Dimples.”

  “For now.” I leaned into his touch for a moment, giving myself just a few more seconds of being close to him before I jerked away.

  “For eternity,” he vowed and caught my hips in both his hands again. He locked me in place as he pressed his front to my back. Goose bumps popped up along my entire body as he kissed my exposed neck. “You’re it for me, Shaw. I only want you. I only love you. And even if I have to spend the rest of my life proving that to you, I don’t care. I’ll do what I have to just to show you we belong together.”

  How many times had I heard Luca tell Violet those words, almost verbatim, with that same reverence in his voice? That he only wanted her. That he only loved her. That he was hers and hers alone.

  And then with one misunderstanding, he’d gone and put his dick in someone else. Proving that it was all nothing more than bullshit. It was all just an illusion, and I wasn’t the type of girl to walk around blindly through a fucking fantasy.

  “I’m not a princess in one of those Disney movies, Jags,” I told him as I stepped away from him. He frowned down at me, and it physically hurt to see what was in his eyes. “This is real life, not some stupid fairy tale that little girls dream of living in. What you’re talking about—no one loves anyone like that. It’s delusional even to think they could.”

  “They can. I’ve seen it. My parents. Yours.” At the conviction in his voice, I felt myself pause and actually started to melt, knowing he was right. Our parents did love each other like there was no one else in the world who could make them feel what the other did. I saw it every day. Mom and Dad were equal parts cringeworthy and kind of adorable all at the same time with how much they were all over each other. I didn’t know whether to smile or gag when I watched them sometimes. They seemed so in love, like they couldn’t live without the other. “Luca and Violet. They are all so in love, and they worship each other. Please, Shaw. Give me the chance to worship you.”

  He might have had me if he hadn’t mentioned them again.

  “You already hurt me once, Jagger. I’m not looking to be broken and humiliated a second time,” I told him in a voice devoid of all the emotions swirling around inside me.

  “I will never do that to you again.” He reached for me, but I only stepped back, knowing if I let him touch me, I would give in. Pain flashed across his face, and he swallowed hard as he dropped his hands at his sides. “Baby, please.”

  The hoarseness of his voice, the agony I saw on his face, were nearly my undoing, but I had to stay strong. I couldn’t let either of us go through what Violet and Luca were experiencing.

  It was best for both of us in the long run. Because if he broke my heart again, which I knew he inevitably would, it would ruin everything. We wouldn’t even be friends if—when—that happened.

  A month before, I would have fought tooth and nail for us. I would have weathered any storm. Faced any obstacle that dared to
get in our way.

  But after everything that had happened, I didn’t have the courage to fight for him or us. Not when I knew the outcome would only destroy both of us in the end.

  Chapter 12

  Jagger

  Ma woke me up Thanksgiving morning asking—more like commanding—me to pick up her father from the airport. He’d had an early morning flight out from Virginia, and she’d promised him someone would be waiting on him.

  I didn’t mind spending extra time with my grandfather. Ever since Mia found him and brought him into all our lives, I’d enjoyed getting to know Eddie Jameson. He was a pretty cool guy and definitely not what I ever would have imagined a grandfather would be—not that I had much firsthand experience with grandfathers. Uncle Jesse, Cole Steel, and now my own dad were really the only ones I knew, and they didn’t look or act the stereotypical part.

  While Dad and Ma left to go to Santa Monica, where this year’s big Thanksgiving dinner was being held at Uncle Shane’s house, I went to the airport to retrieve my grandpa. By the time I got there, he was already outside the airport in the pickup area with his carry-on. I pulled up beside him and rolled down the passenger window.

  “Hey, old man,” I called out and heard him laugh.

  Opening my trunk, I got out to put his things in and hugged him. Eddie and Ma looked a hell of a lot alike. Same green eyes and a few other similar facial features. But his mannerisms were what told me he and Ma were related, if nothing else did. Ma hadn’t grown up around the man, yet they acted so much alike it was weird as hell at times.

  Slapping me on the back, Eddie pulled back to give me a full once-over. “You been good, kid? Haven’t been giving your mom any trouble, have ya?”

  I snorted. “Me? I would never—”

  “Don’t bullshit a bullshitter, boy,” he said with a booming laugh. “Now, get your ass in the car. I want to see my little girl sooner rather than later. I only have a few days here before I gotta head back to the bar.”

  As I pulled into traffic a few minutes later, I glanced over at him in the passenger seat. “You know, you should get a manager for Jameson’s and retire. Move out here to be closer to Ma if you miss her so much.”

  “Tempting,” he grumbled. “But I don’t want to push her if she’s not ready for me to be around more often. I’m just thankful to have what time I do get with her.”

  I suspected Ma wanted him around more than he realized, but I figured they could sort that out on their own. I didn’t want to say anything about it in case she wasn’t ready to tell him how much she missed him when he was in Virginia. He couldn’t completely hide the vulnerable note in his voice, though, so I changed the subject.

  As soon as I pulled up in Uncle Shane’s already overflowing driveway, Ma met us on the porch. She grinned at Eddie and threw her arms around him as soon as he reached her. “How was your flight?” she asked as she pulled back.

  “I told you not to put me in first class, Emmie girl. I don’t need no special treatment.” He hugged her again. “And I could have paid for my own ticket.”

  “Stop arguing,” she told him. “Next time, the company jet will be ready, so you won’t even have to worry about flying commercial.”

  “Girl—”

  She gave him a look that had him clamping his lips shut before he even got another word out, forcing me to mask my laugh with a cough. I was just happy to see that I wasn’t the only one my mom could intimidate with just a glare. I knew she could shut up anyone with that look, but it was fun to witness it firsthand.

  I started to ease around them to go into the house. I hadn’t seen Shaw in a few days, not since I’d shown up at her photo shoot over the weekend to keep an eye on her since she was supposed to be the only female model in an ad with at least five guys. Vi had told me about the shoot in passing, and I’d turned on Shaw’s location sharing a couple weeks before when I’d gone to her house with Dad to watch the Alabama game with Uncle Axton.

  She’d left her phone lying around and I knew her passcode, so it didn’t take much to share her location with my own phone. Maybe it made me seem like a stalker, but she wouldn’t give me the time of day. And time was what I needed to prove to her that we belonged together.

  “Wait,” Ma said before I could reach the front door. “I’m sorry, sweetheart, but I’m going to need you to make another trip to the airport for me.”

  I swallowed my groan and forced a smile, silently telling myself I would see Shaw at dinner, and then I’d get her to take a walk with me afterward so we could have some quiet time together to talk. “Who am I picking up?”

  “Luca.”

  I frowned at the look that crossed her face, but it was there and then gone so fast, it made me question if it had even been there at all. She gave me a quick, tight hug, then urged me off the porch. “Thanks, Jagger. Drive carefully.”

  I glanced back at the house one more time, longing to see Shaw making my chest ache, but I climbed into my car and drove back to LAX.

  Unlike my grandfather, Luca wasn’t waiting when I pulled back into the arrivals lane. I parked and then texted him to see if his plane had landed yet. Just as I hit send, I saw him walking toward me.

  Dressed in black slacks and a button-up with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, Luca had a gym bag tossed over his shoulder as he glanced around then down at his phone. When he lifted his head, he finally spotted me and jogged toward my car. Opening the door, he dropped down into the passenger seat with a groan, and I just sat there, unsure if I was really seeing my cousin or a ghost of the guy I’d grown up with.

  There were dark circles under his eyes, and his face looked gaunt, as if he hadn’t been eating right. Which was a bad thing for him since he needed to keep up his muscle mass for football.

  “School must be hell if you look like death warmed over, man,” I commented as I pulled out of the pickup lane and headed back to Santa Monica. “You sick or something?”

  “Or something,” he muttered. Dropping his phone into one of the cupholders, he stretched out his long legs. “How’s Vi?”

  I shrugged as I changed lanes. “I haven’t seen her today. I’ve been going back and forth to the airport for Ma. But she seemed fine the last time I talked to her on the phone.” Fine, but still kind of emotionless. I’d put it down to missing Luca. As hard as it was for me to go without seeing Shaw on a daily basis, I figured it was a hundred times worse for her and Luca to be so far away from each other for so long.

  I heard Luca blow out a frustrated breath, and I glanced at him as he scrubbed his hands over his face. “I thought you were coming home Sunday and staying until tonight,” I commented as I turned my gaze back on the road.

  “Something came up,” he muttered. “I still have to go back tonight, but I have to see Violet. Even if it’s for a minute, I need—” He cut himself off abruptly, and when he didn’t go on after a few moments, I chanced another glance his way.

  “I guess it’s hell missing the other half of your soul so much,” I told him sympathetically.

  “You don’t even know,” he said with a pained exhale. “I miss her so fucking much I can’t breathe, man.”

  I got that.

  We didn’t talk much on the drive to our uncle’s house. Traffic wasn’t too bad since most people had already done their traveling for the holiday, and it wouldn’t be until the following morning when everyone started their insane Christmas shopping with all the huge sales.

  By the time I pulled up outside the house once again, there was zero room in the driveway, and cars were parked all the way down to the Cages’ house. I expected Luca to be out of the car before I’d even hit the brakes, but he was still in his seat when I turned off the engine and reached for my door.

  I glanced over at him and then had to do a double take. He looked physically ill, his face gray and sweat popping up on his brow and upper lip. His hand shook as he lifted it to open the door, but then he just stopped and looked at the house as if he was in pure agony.
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br />   “What’s the matter with you?” I demanded, concerned for him, but at the same time getting pissed he was delaying me from seeing Shaw. I just wanted to hear her voice, listen to her laugh, watch her smile. Even if it wasn’t to or at or even for me, I just wanted to be near her so I could soak up all that beautiful light that shone out of her baby blues.

  “My fucking life is on the line right now, Jags. Shut the hell up and give me a second, all right, man?”

  I closed my door and leaned back, watching him closer. His throat bobbed, causing me to wonder if he was fighting his emotions or if he was about to blow chunks all over the front of my car.

  “Are you going to tell me what’s up with you, Luca?” I asked after a few minutes of his anxiety-charged silence.

  “I can’t. I have to tell her first before I tell anyone else.” He scrubbed his hands over his face, wiping away the sweat and maybe a few tears as well. “I just… The longer I sit here, the longer I can pretend that I didn’t fuck up my entire world.”

  “That’s the pussy way out,” I told him pointedly and saw him flinch. “Man up. Owning what you did is the first step in the right direction, and since you obviously can’t do that until you see Vi, then you need to get your ass moving. The longer you sit here, the less time you have to make things right before you have to go back to Alabama.”

  He swallowed hard, his eyes flashing from one shade of brown to another so rapidly I couldn’t keep up, but he nodded. “You’re right. I can fix this. I will fix it.”

  Opening the door, he unfolded his huge body from my car and walked toward the front porch while I followed. Luca pressed the doorbell, and we waited for someone to answer.

  Mason opened the door and stepped back after his eyes widened in surprise at the sight of Luca. The younger boy’s gaze went to mine, silently asking what the hell was up with his future brother-in-law. I shrugged, letting him know I didn’t have a clue what was going on.