I mutter, “It’s kinda obvious where I stand,” and almost dial, but stop, crashing the phone to my chest. “Oh God! I’m scared!”
Zoe whispers, “I would be, too.”
“Yeah, that’s not helping.”
She adjusts to be closer. “But you’re braver than I am, Lexi.”
Sammy grabs onto the dashboard like we’re flying down a hill. “You can do this Lex!”
I lock eyes with each of them, take a deep breath. “Thanks guys. Here we go.” The screen locked under its own apparent impatience, so I unlock it again, and stare at his nickname.
Crocodiles.
Ribs feel too tight.
My heart is gonna break ‘em.
Throat is closing.
The phone smashes into my cleavage. “I can’t.”
Sam and Zoe frown, and as I look for them to tell me Fuck it, let’s get out of here, instead I see it in their eyes, my fall from the pedestal.
Strength, rebellion, courage, and yes, even stupidity. That’s me. Sometimes to risk everything for something greater than you have, people might call you dumb. Or crazy.
I’ve been all of these things.
And more.
But what’s important?
They need me to be them.
“Fuck it.” I dial.
Sam and Zoe shout, “Yay!!!”
Adrenaline blurs my vision, and I flat-line for a second as I hear him say, “Hello?”
Swallowing hard, I somehow manage not to sound strangled. “Hi. Just wanted you to know I’m at The Local with my girls. We uh…I’d love to see you here.”
Silence.
Can’t hear any breathing.
Nobody is breathing.
I glance to a frozen Sam, a stricken Zoe, then close my eyes, adrenaline painful in my veins.
His voice goes deeper, hesitant. “We’re doing this?”
I’m not sure what ’this’ is, so at first I say nothing. “Um…yeah. I guess we are.”
“Okay. Fine.”
“Fine”
“See ya soon.”
With a thudding pulse I hear him hang up.
Oh fuck.
Chapter Thirty-Three
LEXI
Ralphie grins, “Aren’t I a lucky guy?” as House Three mounts empty barstools dead center. “Dart board is open.”
Because my tongue’s not working, Sam stiffly smiles, “We just need a second.”
He throws out his arms. “Not that I wanna encourage you all leavin’ me!”
Leaving me.
Leaving me.
Leaving me.
Zoe picks up the charm we dropped. “Rather spend time with you, Ralphie! We see enough of each other.”
He laughs, “With how close you girls are, I doubt that last part. The first part I’ll take! What’ll you have? A pitcher?”
They look at my shrug and Sammy answers, “Sounds good. You pick.”
Leaning into my math aptitude for comfort since my emotional ineptitude is currently even more challenged than usual, I mutter, “It’s just smarter financially.”
The girls look at me.
His experienced fingers touch the more colorful logo’d draft-handles one after the other as he ponders, “My choice, eh? Hmm.”
I glance past the bathrooms at the bar’s back entrance, expecting it to swing open on a thunder clap, storm clouds rushing in around Gage’s entrance.
He’s not here yet, of course since we just got off the phone. But I’m staring at it anyway — a dark hallway empty of everything except a deep sense of foreboding.
The heavy thud of a chilled and frothing pitcher turns my head. “What’d you choose?”
Zoe and Sam say in unison as they watch my reaction, “Transmigration of Souls.”
The same beer we had when Gage and I met. “Great,” I mutter, chewing my bottom lip on a head-shake.
Ralphie frowns, “Don’t like this one anymore, Lex?”
“She does!” the girls tell him.
“I do, Ralphie. It’s perfect. Thank you.”
“You okay?”
“Can I get back to you on that?”
Sam touches my icy spine, and Zoe lays her tender head on my cramped shoulder. Poor Ralphie’s concern turns from the business of making his regulars happy to the personal worry that his friend is in deep shit, the likes of which he’s unaware of and doesn’t feel it’s appropriate to ask about. “You just let me know if you wanna order some food. Or hard liquor.”
My girls nod.
As he walks away, I explode, “Can we have french fries?!”
He reacts like an alien invaded me. “Sure. Yeah, Lex. French fries.”
Under my breath I gasp, “Oh God,” and leap from the barstool, quick strides for the front patio and some fresh night air. I know that, coming from Virginia Highlands, Gage’ll drive in through the back, not from Ponce like we did.
I need to pace without him knowing I’m losing my damn mind.
As I burst into a sea of patio customers, I hear a few random, “Hey Lexi”s and force my smile to familiar faces until I plant antsy boots on the cool stretch of asphalt that could use a re-paving, foundation cracking under time’s pressure.
Just like I am.
The girls aren’t far behind, with Zoe explaining, “Ralphie’s holding our spots.”
She didn’t need to say what goes without saying, but she’s nervous for me.
Samantha’s helpless arms hang at her sides. “I’ve never felt this anxious about anything!”
“Not even about Lexi and Brad?” Zoe asks.
Kicking inside a crumbling pothole, I mutter, “She knew he was a phase.”
“Really? Because I didn’t know what he was!”
Sammy and I look at Floaty-head and smile despite ourselves. But the smiles can’t last, and I remind her, “You were this anxious about Logan, Sam.”
She rubs her face, remembering well what I’m talking about. “I meant in regards to you. I’m second.”
I throw my arms around my dear baby sister, “No you’re not! You’re never second, Sammy.”
She hugs me back, while Zoe smiles at us. And fuck that. I pull our cousin in, make it a group-hug, whispering in its center, “I’m really scared, guys!”
Zoe whispers, “We’re here for you!”
“You’re not alone,” Sammy reassures, throwing in a rueful, “And if we need to toss some tables, then watch out!”
With nervous laughter and a final squeeze we separate to stand in our oh-so-familiar triangle.
“Part of me wants to run away. But it’s a small, nasty little part I don’t even recognize.”
Sammy holds up her hand, palm up, “You don’t get hurt — you’re not delicate, Lexi. Remember, you said that!”
“Turns out I hadn’t found just the right guy to rock me just the right way yet.” I poke my chest and the pothole, gaze dropped. “Had to have one who actually got me in here. You know what I figured out? Gage is like Sammy but a guy.”
“That’s so sweet!”
Zoe clasps my arm. “Gage is a keeper.”
“Stop!”
“What? If you think he’s like Sam, then you already know it.”
Closing my eyes I whisper, “I know.”
Like a sword cutting through safety comes his voice through the outdoor crowd, “Lexi?” My lips part, adrenaline slicing my veins as we all look to the front door, where he’s waiting. “Ralphie said those seats are yours?”
“Yeah, hang on a second!” I lock eyes with Zoe, then Sam. “Guess it’s time.”
Through the swarm of patio customers we head over, his narrowed crocodiles locked on me the entire time.
My girls glance back, check to see if I’m alright, but I’m staring at him. They walk in through the wood and glass door he’s holding open. “Hi Gage.” “Hey, Gage.”
“Ladies.”
Stopping in front of him, I scan his black t-shirt and black slacks, matching boots firmly set apart in a stance of de
termination.
My ribs pound with uncertainty even as dignity lifts my chin. “Hi. Glad you came.”
“It’s uh…good to see you, Cherry.”
Then why haven’t you called…
Keeping that to myself, I touch his huge hand, “Thank you for getting the door,” and walk inside.
Another empty barstool has joined our three, and from the look on Ralphie, that’s no accident. What did the men say when we weren’t here to listen? Was our demise shared?
Numbly I walk through party-minded locals past tables covered in paper baskets of chili dogs, burgers, and fries I lost my appetite for. Since it’s not a particularly warm night, the air is grease-free from no humidity to float on. Yet I’ve never felt this suffocated.
We mount the barstools — Gage on my right, Sammy then Zoe on my left. Ralphie points to three baskets of golden delights accented by one messy ketchup bottle someone should clean. “You girls looked like one wasn’t enough.”
Is there a rock I can crawl under?
Sammy takes a sharp breath, knowing he meant well but just outed our collective state of mind to Gage.
Zoe smiles, oblivious, “Thanks, Ralphie.”
I mutter with sarcasm, “Yeah, thanks, Ralphie.”
Gage takes one of my fries, and I twist on the barstool, turning away from the girls and facing him to watch it disappear. If it weren’t for this wall that’s erected around him, it would be a normal night.
He swallows my stolen fry, wrapping thick fingers around the handle of a frosty mug to take a long drag that leaves it half-full. Gage side-eyeballs me as he sets it onto a cardboard coaster that’ll be limp in under an hour.
We stare at each other.
He throws me a casual, “How was your week?”
And I fucking lose it.
Chapter Thirty-Four
GAGE
“How. Was. My. Week?!!!” Cherry looks like her head might explode like the engine that nearly burned off my eyebrows last Tuesday. “Are you kidding me right now? How was my week? Like everything is all—”
“—Casual.”
“Normal! I was going to say normal!”
“Normal for us is casual. At least that’s what we said it was.”
“Oh my God! Great! Just great!” She jumps off the barstool, and her sister and cousin start to follow, but I hold up my hand, stare at them. They sit down and I head after her, out the back entrance. Or exit. Whatever way you look at it, tonight clearly is the latter.
I’ve been avoiding this moment, but there’s no putting it off any more.
Guess endings always suck.
That’s why they end.
Outside I find Cherry waiting, but not for me. Her bright green eyes widen in shock upon sight of me, and she looks over my shoulder for her family.
“They’re not coming.”
She focuses all her fire at me. “How was my week?! I haven’t heard from you since last Saturday when you met pretty much my entire family, and then poof!” She flicks all ten fingers. “Gone!” Glancing around the parked cars and trees filled with chirping cicadas, she asks, stupefied, “Where’d Gage go? I don’t see him over here. Not over there either! No good-morning texts. No plans to drive to Myrtle Beach like we talked about maybe doing this weekend. Zip! And then you show up here, eat one of my precious fries, and act like we’re casual!”
“Look, I get it.”
She blinks at me, voice lowering to ask, “You get what?”
“You don’t have to do it this way.”
Her head swings back and then she starts to pace, muttering, “I don’t have to do it this way. I don’t have to do it this way??!” Facing me, she points at the asphalt. “I’m not doing anything on purpose here. This is who I am! I’m not one of those quiet ones!”
I smirk, “I know that.”
Her index finger flies up to warn me, “No sex jokes, Gage! Don’t even! This ain’t the time!”
“When have you ever used the word ‘ain’t’?”
“Right now! And I ain’t done usin’ it, ain’t I? No, I ain’t! You see, I’m not a girl who’s quiet and goes away quietly and does anything with a sock in her mouth even when there’s anger boiling right behind her smile. In fact, I just faked a couple of smiles on the patio, and you know what? It felt like shit! Because I don’t fake anything! I may be blunt, and yeah, I sometimes get loud, but everyone always knows where they stand with me!”
I cock my head, cross my arms, boots spread. “I like that about you, Cherry, all of that. Give me fire over water any fucking day of the week. But what I don’t need is a scene just so you can walk away feeling justified.”
Because people have gathered in the wonky parking lot now, and I just heard the back door take a long time to close. But our gazes remain locked, tempers rising.
She stomps her boot. “I don’t need a scene to feel justified! I can feel that way knowing I don’t deserve being ghosted.”
“If I was ghosting you, I wouldn’t have answered the phone!”
“You were just shocked it was the first time I called you first!
“I did notice that, yeah. Still wasn’t ghosting you!”
“Bullshit!”
“Not a liar. You can call me anything but never that!”
“I never called you anything. I’d never call you names!”
This makes us both pause to check if she’s right.
“Alright, bullshit isn’t a name. But it’s an implication.”
She waves, “Oooooooohhhh! I implied you were—”
“—a liar, which I ain’t!”
Her lips twitch at my using that word. “Gage, don’t make me laugh.” She stomps again. “I’m pissed at you!”
I rake my hair back, irritated gaze dropping to dark dots of flattened old chewing gum between us. “Cherry, I’m just being me — not trying to make light of what I knew would be a really shitty night. So just say it already!”
We locks eyes and she barks, “Say what?!”
“Say it’s over. You don’t want this.”
Confusion softens her, “What?”
“Alright, I’ll say it. I don’t want this. I’m not into casual anymore. Okay? Are you happy I did it and not you? Can you walk away now and blame it all on me?!”
Tears jump to her beautiful eyes. “No, I’m not happy. Are you happy?!”
“No! I’m fuckin’ miserable. But that’s the way it’s gotta be. You’re ashamed of what I do! You want out! You felt stuck!” Throwing one arm into the breeze, I shout, “So there! I just unstuck you!”
She takes a step closer, looking at me like I spoke another language, voice stunned. “I’m not ashamed of what you do.”
In pain I laugh, “Yeah, you fuckin’ are.”
“I am not!”
“I heard you!”
“You heard me when?! When have I ever implied such a horrible thing?”
Glancing back I chew on my cheek while scanning what looks like twenty or thirty people. Even Ralphie. Of course her girls, too. Samantha has the same expression Cherry’s got, and Zoe’s just staring at me like she wants to wake from the nightmare.
Fuck.
No turning back from this.
They’ve seen it all.
Will this embarrass her?
Maybe.
She’s the one who judged me.
I can tell she’s aware we’re on display now but, like me, she won’t hide from it.
“I saw your face when I told you I was a mechanic after that first night. You got quiet. I could tell you were disappointed. And then on Saturday I heard you lie to Paige when she asked where I worked. I told you, no lies. And that one was the worst — it fuckin’ killed me — because I’d been waitin’ for it all along! And yeah, sure, I hoped I was wrong, or that the time we spent together might have made you not give a shit that I wasn’t some famous guy or whatever it is you think you deserve! But there it was.” I hold out my hands. “Just when you thought I couldn’t hear you, that lie
slipped out and gave you away.”
She blinks at me. “Wait, so you disappeared because of that?”
“I needed a fuckin’ minute, Cherry!”
“And then…what?”
“And then what, what?”
“And then you were going to call and break up with me?”
Spinning around, exasperated, “No!” I grab my head and shout, “I was going to call so you could break up with me! I wasn’t ready to hear it. I needed a fuckin’ minute to prepare myself for losing you!”
She takes a step back, gentle now, like she might scare off a wild animal she wants to get closer to. It’s confusing me, the ways she’s searching my eyes. “Why did you think I was going to break up with you, after I brought you to meet my whole family?”
My volume lowers because this isn’t easy to admit. “After the months we’ve been spending more and more time together, practically every day, you tell Paige you felt stuck. I heard you saying that you didn’t know what to do! That even though you were happy you knew it couldn’t last, or something like that! And you said these things right after lying about knowing where I work. It was a one-two knockout punch to my gut, Cherry. We can’t go back from there.”
“You know what your problem is?”
My jaw barely moves. “I can’t wait to find out.”
“You think you know everything!” She walks up, her sweet scent lifted by the breeze as gentle fingers caress my cheek, confusing the hell out of me. “Gage, I wasn’t talking about you to Paige. We were talking about my future. About how she thinks I should be doing something that plays more to my strengths!” I frown, and she tilts her head, checking to see if I’m following. “Can’t you see how you misunderstood? You didn’t know the context of that conversation! It wasn’t about you at all, but a continuation of something she’d brought up before! And I am not the slightest bit ashamed of you being a mechanic! Paige asked where you worked. I said I didn’t know. Because I don’t! I’ve never been there! We have the same schedules and you never took me! And as for my reaction when you told me why you wear those sexy shirts with your name sewn into them, I had to search — just now when you were losing it — back in time to know what the hell you were talking about! And you know what?!! You totally misunderstood.”
Lexi Cocker (Cocker Brothers Book 25) Page 17