Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1)

by Kristel, Courtney

  Right. Because of Logan. “Well, tell my dear brother that I’ll be fine doing nothing but decorating.” I turn my head so my nose nearly touches his. “My butt will be firmly attached to the stool the entire time.”

  “No.”

  The way he says it leaves no room for discussion. This new feisty person I woke up to is steaming. I will not be told no by Jaxon Chandler anymore. I’ve heard that word from him one too many times.

  I open my mouth to tell him exactly that, but he’s already sitting on the couch again. What a jerk! He honestly thinks I’m just going to bow down to him. Well, why would he think any differently? All I’ve been doing for the past six years is rolling over and going along with whatever is demanded of me. Am I ready to put up a fight? Is right here, right now, the time for me to say enough and do what I want? Yes. Because if I’m locked in here with Jax, I won’t be held responsible for what comes out of my mouth, or worse, my actions.

  I bite down on my lip as I put weight on my sprained ankle. Wow, one night isn’t enough time for it to heal. I don’t use the crutches, I’m making a point here. When I reach the door, I turn to face him. He’s seething. His jaw is so tight I wouldn’t be surprised if he snapped it.

  “You have two options. Lie to Logan and say I’m here with you, or come with me.”

  He runs his hand through his fohawk while he grinds his teeth. Okay, so I admit maybe walking on my injured ankle wasn’t the best way to prove that I’m ready to be taken seriously.

  “I can just keep you here against your will,” he bluffs.

  I smirk at him while opening the door. “You can, but you won’t. Besides, if you come with me I’ll make your favorite.”

  When he sighs in defeat, I know I won. “Carrot cake cupcakes?”

  “Even with brown bunny ears as decoration.” I almost smile at the memory from when we were younger.

  He sits up and slides his feet into his black chucks. It’s only then that I realize that he’s changed. Obviously he’s changed; his suit was dripping wet. He’s in a red Flash T-shirt and black jeans. Him and his superheroes. He’s always been fascinated by the comics, never realizing that once upon a time he was my hero.

  He points at the crutches as he meets me at the door. “You can either use those, or I’ll be carrying you. Don’t you dare pull a stunt like that again.”

  I mock salute him. “Yes sir.”

  The bell chimes as Jax holds open the bakery door for me. Sam glances up from the register and frowns when he sees me. The bakery is almost empty. I knew it would be. There’s one couple sitting at the red iron table to the left of the door. After lunch, usually the only customers are the ones putting in an order for a party. It’s my favorite time to bake.

  “I was told you were on bed rest,” Sam says in the fatherly tone he’s mastered from being a dad for two months.

  I nod in Jax’s direction. “Is it okay if my shadow is back there with me?”

  Once he finishes up with the last customer, Sam turns his attention back on me. His frown deepens. “Adalynn, as much as I need your help today, I can’t have you working like that. Besides, Clark is going to kill me if he finds out.”

  I give Sam my best puppy dog eyes. It’s the same face I gave him two years ago when I applied for the job he wasn’t offering. To this day, I believe my winning personality and my superb baking skills are the only reason he took a chance on someone without references or cooking experience. Apparently, baking for your family doesn’t cut it in the baking world. Who knew?

  He watches me lead Jax behind the counter to the back room. I’m thankful that Jax has chosen for the first time in his life to stay quiet. I search the room for the white apron with my name on it. Sam appears with my missing apron.

  “Clark washed it.” He grins whenever he mentions his adorable better half. The twins they adopted earlier this year are so lucky to have such caring parents.

  I accept it and tie it into place around my waist. “Does this mean I’m working?”

  He peers at Jax. “Does this mean you’re going to make sure she doesn’t break anything else?”

  “I won’t take my eyes off her.”

  It seems like Sam mutters, “I bet,” under his breath but I’m not sure. “Create something new,” he tells me.

  I can’t help but beam at him. This is my favorite part about working here, creating something new, something different, that will make your taste buds come to life. The very first time I told a customer that I could invent a cake that wasn’t on the menu, I thought Sam would have a stroke. Granted, once he took the first bite, he was sold. Now, two years later I have free rein of the kitchen. Sam works the customers, Clark handles the business along with their adjacent restaurant, and I do my magic. It’s perfect and I love it. I can’t wait for Jax to witness it, too.

  I face Jax, who leans against the stainless steel counter tops. Even though he’s trying not to show it, I know he’s uncomfortable. Jax has never been one to sit idly. He needs a task and I need help.

  I point at the white apron hanging on a hook on the far wall. “You’ll need to put that on if you’re going to be of any use.”

  “You’re putting me to work?” he asks but he struts his way to the apron.

  I walk to the fridge to snag the ingredients. “Yes, I’m in need of an assistant.”

  I feel him behind me but I pretend that I don’t. I swallow loudly. “Can you grab the butter and cream cheese?”

  He reaches in front of me for the items. I suck in a breath as his hard chest presses against my back. Desperately I want to melt into him, but I can’t. I don’t deserve happiness. I stole away theirs.

  I direct Jax to everything we will need. As he sets the bowls in front of me, his other hand trails down my spine. It takes every ounce of will power to not shiver at the contact. Happiness is for everyone else but me. Jax watches the movements of my hands as I pour the first batter into the cupcake tins. Hopefully he’s paying attention because he’s doing the next batch. As I wipe a paper towel over the extra batter on the tin, I can feel him studying me. I focus on the task at hand.

  An hour and a half later, I have Jax —who is covered in flour— pull out the cupcakes. He sets them in the cooling area as I directed. He’s the perfect assistant. Perfect as in, drops everything and makes a mess. Weird, since he usually has such steady hands. I won’t allow myself to think it has to do with me. As hard as it is to not become lost in the moment with him, I hold myself back.

  The frosting is suddenly the most important thing in the world to me right now. I dip in a tasting spoon. Just a little more vanilla and it’s perfect. As I drizzle in the vanilla, Jax’s long finger swipes at the frosting. I slap his hand away.

  “It’s not like this is going out there!” He licks the frosting off his finger.

  “It was before you did that!” I can’t even pretend to be angry with him. Said too soon. My tongue seeks out the frosting that is falling off my nose. “Really, Jax? What are you, three?”

  I’m struck speechless as his tongue cleans up the mess on my nose that he created. Jax looks from my eyes to my mouth, causing me to chew my lower lip. He lets out the most erotic growl from the back of his throat that I feel all the way to my toes. I suck in a breath and stay as still as possible. I’m not even breathing while Jax caresses my check with his frosted finger tips. Leaning into his touch, I close my eyes and welcome the sensations he brings me by just this simple act.

  I want to pretend that I can be happy for once, that my memories don’t haunt me. I want to cherish this moment with him. I want to let go of my past more than anything for this one moment. Deciding that I’m going to allow myself some freedom from my demons, I open my eyes, ready to give myself over to him.

  I don’t know who leans in first, but suddenly we are as close as possible without melting into each other. Forehead-to-forehead, nose-to-nose, breathing each other’s air, we stare into one another eyes. After several seconds without moving, Jax finally makes the
next move.

  It’s as if he can’t hold back anymore, either. He kisses me so quickly that I don’t even notice he’s making a move until his lips are on mine. All too soon, he’s gone.

  Even though I could feel his urgency in the kiss, it was surprisingly soft. So soft that if I wasn’t watching him, I would have never known that he kissed me. I need more, that barely-there kiss isn’t good enough. Of course it was perfect, I doubt that Jax can do anything that isn’t perfect, but I need more to relieve this tension building inside of me. I lean into him again, but Jax shakes his head, face full of regret.

  If I was someone else, someone that wasn’t able to shut off their feelings at will, then the ways he’s rejecting me now would kill me. Thankfully the second I see the guilt on his face, I shut down. I’m not even surprised that he’s feeling guilty, that he doesn’t want me. Who would?

  I’m broken.

  I will never be good enough for Jax.

  Jax surprises me again by bestowing that beautiful smile of his and giving me another quick kiss on the lips. Then he seizes his phone from the front pocket of his jeans. I was so caught up in the moment that I didn’t even hear it ringing. That’s something that always happens when Jax is staring into my eyes. The world disappears whenever he’s near, making it nearly impossible to remember why we shouldn’t be doing this.

  Jax’s body goes rigid when he sees who’s calling him. I know that whoever it is has ruined our moment. Rubbing his hands across his face, he lets out a deep breath before sliding his finger over the screen.

  “Yeah, Logan.”

  And just like that, an entire bucket of ice is poured over me. Hearing my brother’s voice on the other end of the phone certainly puts a stop on anything that was about to happen. Which I’m thankful for as Sam could have walked in here at any second.

  “No, she’s fine, man. Of course.”

  I pull the first tray of carrot cake cupcakes towards me. I concentrate on frosting them as Jax talks to my brother. I try to put distance between us, but it’s impossible with his hand on my thigh. With him touching me, the white walls seem to be closing in. There’s not enough air. Every breath I breathe is full of Jax’s woodsy scent. It’s torture.

  “I don’t know, I don’t think she has it on her, let me check.” He turns to wipes the last dab of frosting off my cheek. “Phone in your room?”

  I glance at the phone on the counter in front of us. I’m about to point to it, but then I realize what he’s doing. He’s covering for me. With all the emotions swirling in my head, I don’t trust myself to speak, so I nod.

  I ignore the cupcake in my hand and study Jax as he speaks to my brother. I can’t believe he’s lying to my brother for me. Wow. I’m speechless.

  “Yeah, I knew they were going to try to do that. Handle it and have everything sent over to Peter.” He bends down and bites the barely frosted cupcake that I’m working on.

  My attention is once again brought to the cupcakes. I avoid listening to the rasp in his voice and focus on my next task. Frosting the bunny ears is my favorite part. I used to put them on the cupcakes I made Jax because of The Velveteen Rabbit, his favorite book when we were children.

  I attempt to reach for the light brown frosting that Jax made, but he beats me to it. He slides the bowl into my waiting hands. As our fingers touch, I think it’s an accident until he grips mine for a second, letting me know it was intentional. That simple graze of our fingers sets a fire within me. My mind wanders as I scoop brown frosting from the bowl and into the vinyl decorating bag.

  Is it possible for Jax to still view me as more than Logan’s little sister? Maybe after all these years, we have a chance. I shake that outrageous idea out of my head. It doesn’t matter how he sees me. I won’t let anything happen. He deserves so much more than me. He deserves everything.

  I lick my upper lip as I concentrate on creating the ears just right. I bite my cheek to keep from smiling. It’s just bunny ears, not the Mona Lisa, but I still can’t help beaming when Jax gives me his winning grin.

  “Of course, man, I’ll work from here until you’re back. I understand . . . I know. Okay, see you in a few days.”

  Jax hands his phone over to me. Reluctantly, I press it to my ear.

  “Hey.” I can’t seem to say anything else because I’m watching Jax butcher the next cupcake.

  Cupcake-decorating is not a skill he’s mastered.

  Logan’s voice jolts me back from the happiness swelling inside me. “Adalynn?”

  “What? I’m sorry Logan I dropped the phone,” I say lamely.

  “I just want to make sure you’re doing okay with everything. I worry about you when I’m gone.”

  “Logan, it’s just a sprained ankle, I’ve suffered from a lot worse over the years. You don’t need to worry.”

  “You know that’s not what I’m talking about, Addie.”

  “Yeah I know, I was just trying to make you feel better. I. AM. FINE.” I enunciate each word so that he knows that I mean it.

  When he doesn’t say anything for awhile, I pull the phone away from my ear to make sure I didn’t accidentally hang up. Wouldn’t be the first time.

  “I just worry about you, Addie, you’re all I have left.”

  I know that Logan doesn’t tell me this to make me feel bad, but I can’t help feeling worthless regardless. Our family is dead because of me. I don’t need the reminder, it’s not something that I can easily forget.

  I choke out, “I know,” before my throat starts to close.

  I know that Logan can hear the pain in my voice because he curses. “That’s not what I meant, Addie, and you know it!”

  Swallowing a few times, I force myself to breathe deeply and let it out slowly. “I know, Logan, it’s fine, it’s the truth.” He tries to interrupt me, but I cut him off. “Look I just took my meds and I’m really tired. I’ll call you tomorrow. I love you.”

  Please just let me off the phone, Logan, I can’t handle this right now.

  “Yeah of course, love you too, baby girl.”

  I hang up. Before Jax can say anything I whisper, “Can you take me home now please?”

  The last thing I want to do is fall apart at work. Getting lost in the sweet smell of the bakery while decorating cupcakes doesn’t have the same effect on me as it did minutes ago. All I want to do now is curl up in my bed and get lost in the memories.

  He must see how much I’m dying inside because he nods and works on cleaning up. I close my eyes, and by the time I open them again, the kitchen is spotless. You can’t tell that we’ve been in here for almost two hours. It’s almost laughable how easy it is to erase something. I hear Jax speaking to Sam, but they’re too quiet for me to understand anything being said.

  The cab ride is a blur. I’m barely aware of his arms around me while the endless amount of guilt suffocates me. As Jax helps me out of the taxi and into my apartment building, I’m losing my mind. I want to be strong enough, but I’m sinking fast. The memories that I work so hard to keep buried are rushing to the surface.

  My body trembles from the emotional pain I’m intentionally causing myself. The memory of waking up in the hospital with Logan by my side is so powerful that reality disappears. I’m suddenly back in that bleak hospital room while he struggles to tell me we’re all we have left.

  I woke up a little over twenty-five hours ago, but I haven’t really been here. I’ve been in and out of sleep the entire time, trying to piece together what happened, but my mind won’t let me. Everything is confusing.

  Logan sits in a chair beside my bed, clutching my uninjured hand. I know that whatever he is going to say is bad. Really bad. He has tears in his eyes and he hasn’t talked about our parents, or Hadley. Not once. Every time I bring them up, he just shakes his head.

  I have no idea what he means. “No” as in he doesn’t know yet because they’re not stable yet, or “No” because . . . I won’t let myself go there. I already know our dad is dead, there’s no way he could have
survived.

  My body convulses as I remember all the blood. The broken glass. No, he didn’t survive. Even though I know that he’s dead, I knew it before someone rescued us, I still pray that I’m wrong.

  I allow myself to hope for the best, that maybe by some miracle he did survive like the rest of us. That they were able to stop the bleeding and give him a transfusion. He had to have survived, I can’t live without his help.

  He’s my hero.

  My dad didn’t die.

  He wouldn’t leave me.

  “I-I-I don’t know how to tell you this . . .” He stops talking, tries to compose himself.

  I whisper, “Logan it’s fine, we’ll get through this together.” I wait for him to nod.“Now tell me what it is, how’s everyone doing? I haven’t seen Hadley since they put her in a different ambulance. Is she doing okay?”

  I struggle to speak because my throat still hurts from not using it for two weeks. He holds out my water for me to sip. I swallow a few times, testing my throat. I wonder if it will ever stop hurting; even with all the meds they have me on, everything aches. It’s as if I’m reliving the accident without realizing it and I’m going through all of that pain, and desperation to escape again and again.

  After I am able to speak again without it hurting so much, I ask the question that I’m dreading. “Are Mom and Dad . . . ar-are they okay? Di-did they make it?” That had to be the hardest question I have ever had to ask. I was barely able to put the words together.

  Logan doesn’t say anything for awhile and when he finally does, I wish he didn’t. Ignorance is bliss.

  “They didn’t make it.”

  The tears in his eyes fall while I just stare at him, shocked. He squeezes my hand tightly but I hardly notice.

  “Does Hadley know yet?”

  When Logan looks into my eyes, his face full of so much remorse, it’s then that I know.

  “NO! NO! NO!” I scream over and over again until a nurse hurries in and gives me a sedative. The last thing I see before my lids close is the unmistakable torture in my brother’s blue eyes.