Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1)

by Kristel, Courtney

  Very slowly, about the speed that ice melts off of glaciers, I fall lax into Jax. He never loosens his hold on me; if anything it gets tighter the more I relax into him. He rubs my back in a soothing manner. When I finally mold to him, he picks me up and sits on my couch. He drapes my legs over him in a way that has me practically sitting in his lap.

  A few minutes go by in a comfortable silence before I murmur, “I’m sorry Jax. I lost it when I saw those stupid flowers and I just—”

  Jax’s large hand covers my mouth.

  “I already told you not to apologize. YOU. DID. NOTHING. WRONG.” Sighing Jax runs a hand through his hair. Collecting himself, he says in a much calmer voice, “I get it more than you can possibly understand, Ads. I know who Stargazer Lilies remind you of. I know all of this is too much for you on most days . . . but being blindsided with something like Had’s flowers . . .” His voice trails off as he gets a distant look in his eyes. I know that look, he’s remembering something. I wonder if he’s picturing me setting the flowers onto her grave.

  “I didn’t throw them away. They’re in your room . . . where they belong.” He continues to say something to me, but I don’t hear him. I’m somewhere else.

  “Stay with me, Ads. I’m here. Talk to me,” Jax begs quietly before pressing his lips to mine. All of my senses come to life, everything disappears but Jax. He brings me back before I’m gone.

  “Thank you,” I mumble against his lips. Jax winks. My face heats up. “Not for that. You’re always here for me. So thanks, Jax, for knowing what I need more than I do.” I kiss his cheek. “Thank you for not throwing them away like I would have done,” I whisper into his ear.

  Jax holds my hand in his. “I’ll always be here for you, Ads.”

  “I know,” I agree because I don’t doubt him. Whenever I needed him most, Jax has always been here. I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it.

  “Did you know when Hadley was two, that’s when she first fell in love with Stargazer Lilies?” I ask even though I already know the answer.

  “She would always go to such lengths to get her way.”

  “That’s putting it mildly.” I surprise us both by jumping off the couch. “I’ll be right back.”

  “Take your time.” Jax knows exactly what I’m going to do.

  I need to see the flowers that remind me of my dead baby sister. I need to do this. Each step closer to my bedroom, brings me closer to everything I chose to forget. When I finally reach my doorknob, my breathing is rapid. I wish my brother was here. I don’t think I can do this by myself. I’m not strong enough. I can’t move. My knuckles whiten as I firmly squeeze the doorknob.

  Jax comes up behind me, his hand covers mine. “You ready?”

  He didn’t leave me. “Yes,” I say with a shaky breath.

  Together we open the door. Jax holds my hand again. The warmth from his fingers helps center me. As usual, Jax is right. Hadley wouldn’t want me to act like her favorite flowers are a bomb ready to explode. No matter how painful this is, I need to do this. I can do this. I chant in my head.

  My gaze instantly goes to the flowers sitting on my nightstand. I have no idea how I missed them when I took a shower. I feel them pulling me toward them. Jax doesn’t let go of my hand while we approach my nightstand.

  The pink petals are vibrant against the white backdrop of the walls of my bedroom. Some of them haven’t fully bloomed yet. Hadley’s favorite thing, she would love to watch them grow, to open up. She thought it was magical. The way she view the world was extraordinary. She saw the beauty in everything.

  I rub the yellow tentacles in the center of the bulbs, dyeing my finger tips yellow. It’s exactly what Hads would do, just to one of them. Their powerful scent already fills my room with their fragrance. I used to hate that, I always thought these were the type of flowers that needed to be outside. Now it’s as if I have a piece of my little sister back, I don’t want to part without them, without Hadley.

  “I’m so proud of you, Ads,” Jax says, breaking the silence.

  Without taking my gaze off them, I attempt to lighten the mood. “Now that you got your way and pretty much forced me to face my fears, you can go now. I know you need to get up early for your meeting, and besides, I’m getting kinda sick of seeing your ugly face.”

  “Ugly? Me? Come on, Ads, we both know I’m the hottest man on the planet. I have women falling all over themselves just to catch a glimpse of me.”

  I try to hold a straight face, but I can’t. “You’re impossible.”

  “Ah, but I got you to smile.”

  “When are you leaving again?” I quip.

  Jax takes my face into his hands. “How are you doing?”

  “Better than I thought,” I say truthfully.

  “I really don’t want to—”

  “Jax, I’m a big girl. I actually don’t need you to look after me all of the time.”

  “If I don’t, who will?”

  “Go home already,” I say, ignoring his question.

  Walking Jax to the front door, I have the sudden urge to keep him here. I don’t want him to leave, I don’t want to be alone. I quickly throw away that thought. I don’t need to spend anymore one-on-one time with him, it just confuses me.

  “Bye, Ads.”

  I don’t say anything to him as the door closes because I’m afraid that I’ll ask him to stay. Definitely not something that needs to come out of my mouth.

  The next day, I wake up and smile when I turn over to see the beautiful Stargazer Lilies on my nightstand. It feels amazing to smile at something that used to bring delight to Hadley without getting stuck in the past. For the first time, I realize there’s a note attached to the flowers. I’m not even a little surprised that I missed it yesterday. Anticipation killing me, I lean over and grab it.

  It’s been 3 weeks & I still can’t stop thinking about you. If you feel the same, let’s see where this can go.

  -K. D.

  He sent me the flowers. Wow, I never would have guessed that. God, I’m such a bitch! I wonder if I should call him to apologize for yesterday, but decide against it. I don’t want to give him the wrong idea. I’m not interested and it’s better for him to learn that now then think he has a chance. Even if Jax wasn’t in the picture —well he’s not technically— I still wouldn’t give him a chance. Sure, I’m attracted to him, what woman wouldn’t be? But it doesn’t change anything. My heart will forever belong to Jaxon Chandler.

  I get up and take a quick shower. Taking advantage of the perfect weather, I choose one of my favorite sundresses with a cutout heart on the back and my beige Steve Madden’s to complete the look. I curl a few pieces of my naturally curly hair, apply mascara, add a light coat of rose color lipstick, and I’m ready to go. After retrieving my phone off the nightstand, I pick up Kohen’s note and slip it into my purse.

  Deciding to skip breakfast and buy a smoothie, I’m almost ready to leave when I spot the camera bag Jax bought me. Without over-thinking it, I quickly grab it and walk out the door.

  Smoothie in hand, I browse at a few stores to buy supplies for Logan’s surprise party. Two hours later, I have everything that Jax and I will need, and much more. I’d rather be overly prepared than realize too late that we’re missing something. I want the party to be perfect for Logan. He deserves it.

  After a cab ride back to my place, I drop off the bags in the living room and close the door. I’ll put everything away later, it’s too nice of a day out to be stuck inside. Looking to kill an hour until I meet the boys, I head over to Central Park with my camera bag still in hand.

  Cedar Hill is my all-time favorite place in New York. I always come here when I feel like the world is crumbling down on me, so it’s the perfect place for today, even though I doubt I’ll be able to take any pictures. I play with the zipper and remember the first time my dad bought me a camera. He wanted me to try to get into something other than swimming. Apparently it’s important to have more than one thing to love.
/>   If only he could see me now.

  With shaking hands, I reach in and grasp my new camera. I have so many mixed emotions right now. I want to remember how I’ve felt being behind the lens, how I share the same passion as my dad had, but I can’t help feeling guilty.

  The last time I ever held a camera was the last day I ever saw my family. If I take a picture, I won’t be able to share it with my dad anymore. I don’t know if I’m ready to move on with this chapter in my life yet. The day my dad took me to buy my first camera was one of my favorite times with him. He was able to see that I was missing a creative outlet, even if I didn’t see it myself.

  I’m afraid that if I pick up this camera, I won’t feel the same, everything will be different, and I will lose what my dad gave me that day. I don’t want to taint that memory with my demons.

  Another fifteen minutes pass before I’m finally able to talk myself into capturing one simple picture. I can take one picture without ruining everything. I stand up and examine the area. I spot a butterfly landing on a flower a few yards away. Bringing the camera up to my face I focus on the scene before me. With a shaky breath, I press the button to forever imprison the image before me. As I view the digital photo, I feel a weight has lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I’ve just found a piece to my soul again.

  Without realizing it, I start snapping away. I capture the scenery, a couple holding hands, and an older woman reading a book underneath a tree. I click until the memory card is full. As I put away the camera, my phone rings. Startled, I notice that two hours have flown by and I have several missed calls from Logan and Connor.

  Crap, I’m so late. I jog towards the exit to catch a cab.

  After sitting in traffic, I’m at the boys’ office in Manhattan with our burgers. I promise the security guards that I’ll bring them cupcakes from the bakery tomorrow before I swipe my ID to access the elevators.

  Gloria, Connor’s assistant, stops me from entering my brother’s office. “Hi Addie, Mr. Evans informed me that you will be having lunch in his office today. Your brother will join you two shortly.”

  “Thanks Gloria. Have a great day!” I say before opening Connor’s door.

  Ignoring the fact that Connor is on the phone, I whisper, “Mr. Evans, your lunch has arrived.”

  Connor holds up his index finger, the universal sign for one minute. “Are you the boss or am I?”

  I cringe, I know that tone. I feel bad for whoever is on the other line. Giving him a knowing look, I steal two waters for Connor and I, and a Gatorade for Logan from his fridge. Setting them down on his glass coffee table, I open up the bags. I place Connors burger and fries in front of him before drawing mine out of the bag.

  “Exactly. So either do what I pay you for or I will find someone else to do your job.” He eats a fry. “Last time I checked, it’s not my problem. It’s yours.”

  I shake my head and mouth “be nice” to him which he ignores.

  “I expect a copy on my desk by the time I walk in tomorrow morning.” He hangs up without waiting for a response.

  “I’m so glad that you’re basically my brother,” I state as he joins me on the couch.

  “Me too, if I wasn’t, you wouldn’t have a cool brother,” Connor says with a mouth full of fries. “You know you would love to work for me.”

  I ignore his last comment. This isn’t the first time he’s suggested it.

  “If you have to say you’re ‘cool,’ you really aren’t.” Connor waves me off and digs into his burger. By dig in, I mean devour. He’s done with his burger before I’m able to take more than three bites.

  “Someone was hungry.”

  “I may have worked through breakfast,” Connor says with a shrug.

  I don’t say anything back. There’s no point reminding him that he has an assistant that can order him breakfast. We’ve had that talk so many times I’m tempted to record myself reminding him how important it is too eat just so I don’t have to repeat the speech. Connor takes being a workaholic to a whole new level. He practically lives out of his office. He has a suite discreetly tucked away to the right of his desk that he uses regularly.

  For some reason I think about the note from Kohen that is burning a hole through my purse. I want to get Connor’s opinion on the Kohen thing before Logan comes in because I know my brother will make a big deal out of nothing. I open my mouth to bring it up, but quickly close it. I don’t even know where to start, until now, I haven’t been interested in anyone but Jax.

  I thought I didn’t want to see where things could go with Kohen, hence me being a complete bitch to him the other day, but after using the camera Jax bought me, I have a new urge to take Liv’s advice. I need to live again. And it’s not like Jax will be my boyfriend anytime soon. Maybe it’s time to see what else is out there. I fiddle with the straps of my purse, coming up with a brilliant idea. If I have Connor, the man whore, help me, maybe Jax will find out. I wonder if he’ll be grateful that I’m not lusting after him anymore or if he’ll be jealous. I hope for the latter.

  When I peek at Connor, he’s already staring at me with his eyebrow raised. I reach into my purse and hand him the note. After reading it, he passes it back to me without saying a word. I swear, he constantly makes me want to give him a high-five in the face! Glaring at him I return the note to my purse.

  “Really, you’re not going to say anything?”

  He leans back onto to the couch, and stretches his feet in front of him. “What would you like me to say, Addie?”

  I could smack him right now. I’m tempted to just drop it and ask Logan. Who am I kidding, that’s not an option and Connor knows it. He’s my only option since there’s no way I can ask Jax. Ha! I’d rather get my brother’s advice. And Logan wouldn’t give me any advice, he would lock me in a tower, away from the much older doctor.

  Knowing he’s just going to drag this out as long as possible, I spit out, “Well, do you think I should go out with him or not? You don’t have to be a jerk about it and purposely mess with me.”

  Connor doesn’t even have the decency to pretend to be apologetic. “If I don’t mess with you, who will?”

  “Can you help me out or what? I’m really confused, I’m kinda out of my element in case you didn’t notice.”

  “Okay, okay, Addie relax. You caught me by surprise, I couldn’t help it. I would have been less shocked if the note contained that address to where you hide dead bodies instead of someone asking you out . . . again.”

  “Body.”

  He frowns in confusion. “What?”

  “You said ‘bodies.’ It would be body. As in one body. Yours.”

  “Ha ha ha Addie. But in all seriousness, if you’re asking for my permission then, yes, you have it.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, Addie you don’t need my permission or even Logan’s. Don’t you dare tell him I said that.” I nod in total agreement. “The question isn’t if you should go out with him, it’s do you want to? Do you want to finally see who else is out there? Or do you want to continue to play head games with a certain tattooed man we know?”

  “You know?”

  “It’s you and Jax,” he says simply as if it’s the most logical answer in the world. I raise my eyebrow, begging him silently to go on. He does. “Anyone with eyes knows.”

  I gulp. “Logan?”

  He shakes his head. “I think Logan chooses not to see it because you’re his little sister and Jax is his best friend. But when he does find out, make sure I’m there so I can restrain him.” He laughs. I don’t find the image of my brother and Jax fighting as amusing.

  “When did you—” The question dies on my lips as Logan strides into Connor’s office.

  His eyes immediately find my camera bag on the floor next to Connor’s desk. As Logan gives me a hug, I can see the questions forming in his head. I’m grateful that he doesn’t voice any of them. As much as I want to tell my brother why I was late, I can’t. I know he will make a big deal out of this
and I’m not ready to acknowledge the significance of today. Not yet anyways.

  When Logan is almost done with his burger he asks, “Do you want me to pick you up or just send a car tomorrow?” I give him the what-the-heck look. “The Annual Masquerade Ball we always put on, to raise money for rare diseases, it’s tomorrow. The same ball I’ve reminded you about at least once a week for a month now. The same ball that I knew you would forget about, like you do every year.” He mocks exasperation.

  How do I forget about this every year? It’s mind-boggling that my brother hasn’t strangled me yet.

  I scrunch up my nose. “I didn’t need you to explain yourself, dear brother. I’m irritated that you assumed I forgot again. How could I with you reminding me all of the time?” I think I’m convincing enough, but just to make sure I add, “Oh and not to make a big deal or anything but I already have my dress, shoes, and a mask.” I throw up my hands. “But no big deal or anything.”

  As I talk, I realize how much I have to do in such little time.

  Logan grunts at my antics. “I won’t even pretend that I’m not surprised, Addie. I thought for sure you forgot like you do every year.” Shaking his head, he addresses Connor. “Well shit, I guess Jax won the bet after all.”

  Connor groans as he explains, “Our dear brother here has been making a big deal about how you would forget yet again. So Jax, of course, bet Logan a small sum that you wouldn’t forget. He kept going on and on about how you actually would have your dress and everything by tonight. It was annoying how he was defending your honor and whatnot.”

  “What!” I say in mock outrage.

  “I’m with your brother on this one, Addie. I can’t believe you remembered. You have the worst, and I mean the worst memory when it comes to planned events.” Connor ties his long shaggy blonde hair into a knot at the back of his head.

  “Man, I kinda want to ditch the rest of the day. I do not want to run into that smug bastard,” Logan tells Connor.

  “Well, then I guess next time you won’t bet against your sister!” I say.

  I can’t imagine how I can possibly get myself out of the hole I’ve dug myself into. There’s no way I can find a dress last minute. Not for an event of this stature. The only option is for the earth to open up and swallow me whole. If I don’t want to be so dramatic, I can always wear my dress from last year. They’re men, they won’t notice . . . I hope.