“I don’t know exactly what to say other than I’m an ass. I know I don’t deserve it after everything, but I want things to get back to normal between us.”
I give him my first real smile since I oh-so-kindly threw up on him. “I would love that!”
I know he probably means normal as in friends, but I secretly hope he means something more. As soon as that thought flies through my head, I get pissed off at myself. I need to let this stupid infatuation with him go. It was a fling, nothing more. After chastising myself for a bit longer, I relax against him again and enjoy our usual banter. I even open up about therapy. He’s always been a great outlet to confide my sessions with Liv.
Jax, being as blunt as I am, lays into me. “You know she isn’t wrong, Ads. Olivia has a point, if you’re able to do things like photography, you can handle getting back into the water. You even went through your old stuff.”
He bumps his shoulder into me, beaming proudly at me. I blush.
“It’s not that big of a deal, Jax. It’s not like I went through everything. I just knew what I wanted, where it was, and got it without looking at anything else.”
“Don’t sell yourself short.”
“Just telling it like it is,” I say with a shrug.
He scratches the sexy scruff on his jaw and watches me. His eyes widen as if the lightbulb just went off inside his head. The God jumps out of bed and goes over to his closet, which is so big it should be considered another room. I mean, come on, how many suits can one man own? It’s pretty impressive, actually. Jax emerges from the closet with the plum tie I bought for his birthday last year. His sinful look makes me squirm.
“Now we’re talking.” I whisper seductively.
His eyes darken and his step falters. He shouldn’t be allowed to look at me like this, it’s dangerous to my health. I open my mouth to say something that I know will get me into trouble tomorrow, but all words evade me.
“Game?” He dangles the tie in front of me and uses his husky bedroom voice that sends tingles low in my belly.
My mouth falls open, but I quickly recover. “To wear your tie?” I ask him, skeptical.
He holds his other hand out to me, the one without the tie. I hesitate, wondering what he’s up to, but I place my hand in his strong one, trusting him.
He takes me hesitance as something it’s not because he leans in, brushes his lips against my ear and whispers, “I dare you to trust me, Adalynn.”
I suppress a moan from escaping, but it’s impossible to control the goosebumps. I just hope he thinks they’re from the cold and not because of him. Jax stares into my eyes and I get captivated into his dark green ones that seem a little darker tonight. Everything floats away. Suddenly it’s just a boy and a girl in their own little world, a place without any pain, a place where they will always have each other. But my vision goes dark and the boy and the girl are gone, the same as that perfect world.
His fingertips trace my cheek. I take a deep breath as reality crashes into me.
“It’s just another blindfold, Ads. I’m here with you, nothing is going to happen that you don’t want,” he says soothingly, relaxing me with his words.
I draw another deep breath before I nod. How did girls’ night end up with me at Jax’s place with his tie acting as a blindfold? His fingers glide over my face once more. Slowly, painfully so, his fingers trail down my neck to my shoulder blade, down my forearm, and finally to my hand. He interlocks our fingers together. My breathing is erratic. Jax drives me crazy with just the tips of his fingers, a whisper of a promise that I want to hold onto. I hate the effect he has on me.
Giving my hand a gentle squeeze, he pulls me along and I blindly follow him. He keeps a strong hold of my hand, letting me know without words that he’ll always be here. It makes being blindfolded much easier this time. I know his place as well as mine so when we reach the foyer, I panic.
“Um, Jax, I’m not going anywhere like this.” I plant my feet to the ground, unwilling to move.
He rests both hands on my shoulders and I know that he’s staring at me. “And like this, you mean without shoes I’m guessing?”
Oh man, I forgot I’m not wearing shoes. Not the first time I forgot something so vital with this Adonis near. He’s going to make me say it, that jerk. I square my shoulders.
“The tie,” I say through gritted teeth.
Jax laughs as if I’m the best comedian in New York. I wish I could see him right now because I have no doubt that he is doubled over in laughter. He lifts my hand to lead me along, but I keep my feet glued, not moving an inch.
“Nobody will see you at this time of night. Don’t worry, Ads. Now move your ass!” He slaps my bottom hard.
I jump, startled from the force of his slap. I rub my palm in circles over my now sore butt. “That hurt!”
It didn’t, it actually felt good . . . really good. Jax chuckles while he steers me out of his place. The moment my feet touch the cold floor of the elevator, I remember my lack of shoes.
“No shoes remember?” I point down at my bare feet that I can’t see.
He slips his arm around my shoulder. “You won’t need them.”
I pull away a little, tilt my face up at him and give him a stern look. Well, as stern as I can manage being blindfolded.
“I am so not walking around barefoot!”
“You’re not walking, I’m carrying you.”
That’s all the warning I get before Jax lifts me over his shoulder at the same time that the elevator doors open. I start to protest until Jax slaps my ass again, harder this time. I moan into his ear and bite his back.
Holy-hotness, what does this man do to me?
“You’re making a scene,” he taunts but his voice betrays him.
He’s affected just as much as I am. I only stop because I have to focus on not convulsing on top of him as he marches on his merry way. I could care less about a making a scene. Plus I highly doubt we’re making one at this time of night.
“I had a completely different scenario going on in my head when I saw the tie.”
He sucks in a ragged breath and ignores me. I smile, I knew he would.
I open my mouth to ask how much further, but close it when I realize how close our faces are in this position. He squeezes me tighter to him, simultaneously bringing my face dangerously close to his. Not good. The need to kiss him grows so overpowering I have to bite the inside of my cheek.
“Someone needs to learn patience.”
His voice sends tingles down my body. My heart skips a beat before stopping all together. I wish I could see his face right now. I would be able to read him a lot better.
“How long have you known me?” I ask.
“About sixteen years now, give or take.”
“And in all of those years, have you ever seen me be patient?” I ask in a serious tone.
Jax fights off his laughter, but it’s hard to hide when his chest shaking from suppressing it. “No, I guess you haven’t. Maybe you should start working on that.”
I pinch the inside of his arm. “Maybe in the—” All words escape me when I realize where we are.
No, he wouldn’t do this to me . . .
I will never forgive him for this . . .
I hate him . . .
Chapter Fifteen
My entire body tenses, my heart races into overdrive, and I start to sweat. Don’t panic, you could be wrong. He wouldn’t do this to you. I try to convince myself that I’m wrong about my whereabouts. With each word I say in my head, I know I’m not able to fool myself. Even without being able to see, my body recognizes where I am.
I hold my breath for as long as possible to protect myself from inhaling the scent I know is here. I count in my head, wondering the entire time how Jax could do this to me, especially blindfolded. He’s done questionable things in the past, but this is beyond fucked up, even for him.
I get to thirty when I feel Jax move again. My body stiffens even more, but I still don’t say anythin
g. I refuse to breathe. Forty-one, forty-two, forty-three. Jax is out of his mind. I need to leave. Fifty-five, fifty-six, fifty-seven.
My lungs hurt from lack of oxygen. I know I don’t have much time until the inevitable happens. I breathe in deeply, hating him with each lungful of air.
When I have my breathing under control, Jax lowers me to the ground, keeping a hold of me until he’s satisfied I won’t fall. More than done with this blindfold, I start to untie it from around my head. Attempt is more like it, since my hands shake so badly I can’t loosen the knot.
“Calm down, Ads. I’m right here.” He covers my hands with his to stop my maddening movements.
I try to move my hands under his, but it’s useless, he’s too strong, too overpowering.
“Ta-take . . . ti-t-tie . . . off,” I stutter as I concentrate on calming breaths. “Please, Jax, I can’t do this,” I finally manage to spit out after a minute or two.
He removes my hands away from the back of my head and rubs my arms up and down in a soothing gesture. I hate that it works.
Leaning his forehead against mine he says, “Listen to me, I know this is impossible for you, but I also know you need to overcome your fear.”
A dry humorless laugh escapes me. “Me afraid of water? Really, how is that even possible? I know how to swim better than most fish!” I shout.
“You’re not afraid of the water, Ads, that’s impossible for someone like you. You’re afraid of all the memories the water will invoke. You’re afraid of remembering all the happy times.” He pulls me into his arms and hugs me tightly. “You’re afraid of wanting to be in the water, afraid of wanting to swim again, of enjoying it.”
“I hate you.”
“You’re afraid if you get back in the water, you won’t be able to get out and you won’t be able to punish yourself anymore.” I suck in a breath as if he punched me in the gut. “You force yourself to hate the one thing that you’ve always loved because you think it’s the only way to punish yourself for surviving when Andy, Quinn, and Hadley died.”
I punch his chest. “I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!” My voice breaks, but I don’t stop hitting him. He lets me.
My arms drop lifelessly to my sides while Jax holds me to him, rocking us gently. I shake my head as if just that simple act will create a barrier from his words.
“You’re wrong,” I whisper, voice hoarse from screaming.
“Prove it,” Jax says just as quietly against my forehead.
My next breath comes out shaky. My legs tremble. Luckily I’m leaning against the solid rock that is Jax or I would be on the floor. I don’t know how much time passes, it feels like seconds, but I know it’s minutes as I stand in his strong embrace, borrowing strength.
“Fine.”
I feel his smile against my forehead.
Fine? You can’t do this. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Sealing my fate, I open my eyes and blink from the sudden brightness. Once I can focus without seeing spots, I realize that the lights are normal, I was just squeezing my eyes for too long. I stare at my bare feet, needing another moment before this becomes all too real. Oh look, my nail polish is chipped. Yeah, that doesn’t distract me at all. Jax waits by my side while I gain the courage to do something I never thought I would ever consider doing again.
You can still run. No! I’ve been running for the past six years. I need to do this. I’m forced to come face-to-face with my worst nightmare . . . a pool.
My feet move on their own accord, and bring me to the edge of the indoor pool in Jax’s building. There are five lanes, and at least a 15 person spa to the side. It’s nice, it’s also the only time I’ve ever been up here. I usually make an excuse to not join the guys at the pool. They stopped asking over the years. They got the hint that I don’t like being around large amounts of water. Well, everyone except Jax, of course. Speaking of Jax, where did he go?
I scan the area. My mouth falls open as Jax removes his shirt and throws it on a lounge chair piled with two towels. Holy-hotness, I so did not think he planned on us getting in. Okay, maybe I did, hence the minor freakout, but I didn’t realize I’d get in a pool with a half-naked Jaxon Chandler.
I don’t even care when he turns around and sees me drooling on myself over him. It’s impossible to close my mouth. I must look like a coke junkie without her fix. I can’t focus on one particular part of his anatomy. My eyes roam as fast as they can over his body; his muscular chest, down to his defined abs that I’ve mapped out with my tongue, and finally over his long arms covered in tattoos. His artwork is so sexy, especially since you can’t see it when he’s dressed for work. It reminds me of a treasure hunt that I want to explore. I want to find ‘x’.
It’s amazing how he can make all of my problems float away.
Jax struts to me with the biggest shit-eating grin I’ve ever seen. Can’t blame him, though, I would look like that too if someone stared at me how I’m staring at him. I watch the way his muscles move with each step. It’s mouthwatering.
“Are you ready? Or do you need me to walk around a little longer for you?”
“That depends . . .”
“On?”
“If you’re going to give me a little show.”
To my amazement, he turns and wiggles his taut butt for me. I laugh even though the thought of going into the water makes my throat start to close. He knows exactly what he’s doing . . . distracting me . . . it’s working. I force myself to relax and seem aloof.
“Oh please don’t, if I have to watch you shake that big fat thing you call an ass, I may throw up on you again.”
Jax presses his lips together to fight his smile. “Yes, that’s what you were doing, trying not to throw up, not trying to control yourself from throwing yourself at this sexy body.” He points to his rock hard eight pack in case I forgot it was there. I didn’t.
Hesitantly, I follow Jax to the steps of the pool, firmly holding onto his hand. When his foot touches the water, I pull back to stop him.
“I can’t,” I choke out.
Jax gives me the most breathtaking smile. “Yes you can, Ads. Trust me.”
I bite my lip. I can do this. I inch toward him. This is for them. This isn’t for me. Make them proud. I place my shaking hand back into his and take the final step, the first step into the heated water. I’m doing this for me. I close my eyes and relax into Jax. I let him guide me into the warm water. At the second-to-last step, the water reaches my thighs so I gather up my—
“Where’s my dress?” I ask when I realize that I’m not wearing what I arrived in tonight. Instead I’m in one of his button-ups.
When did he change my clothes? How did I just now notice?
“I didn’t want throw-up on my sheets. Plus you kind of smelled.”
What a load of bull. I didn’t throw up on myself. No, Jax had that pleasure. Arguing with him would be pointless, though.
“Thanks.”
I yank the stupid clean, wonderful-smelling shirt to my panty line and continue walking into the pool with Jax.
“You ready?” he asks into my ear. I nod, letting him lead me deeper into the water.
Tears fill my eyes when we reach the middle of the pool, but I quickly squeeze them closed, refusing to let them fall. I will not cry, I never cry. Taking a deep breath, I dive underneath the water with Jax by my side.
Memories assault me so quickly it’s hard to concentrate on a single one. I let go of Jax’s hand and sink the rest of the way to the bottom until I’m at the pool’s floor. I relive the first time I ever saw the ocean, swimming in my backyard, training, and when I would sneak into our pool at night during a rainstorm with Jax.
My hair floats around me. I move my hands back and forth in front of me and smile at the feel of my hands gliding in the water. Suddenly my peaceful moment is broken and I’m pulled to the surface.
“Adalynn, are you okay?” Jax shouts as he runs his hands over my face and down my throat to check my pulse.
&n
bsp; I laugh at his absurdness. “Really, you’re checking my pulse? What’s the matter with you?”
I splash him with my feet as I backstroke away from him. I love how easily my body remembers the movements of the strokes, effortlessly carrying me away from him. Jax gives me a puzzled look as he studies me. Then a smile spreads across his luscious lips.
“You were down there for a pretty long time. I didn’t like it.”
“Ah caveman style and everything? You must be serious.” Doing a quick flip-turn, I come up for air a foot away from him. “Relax and enjoy yourself for once, Mr. Always-So-Serious.
Jax looks behind him with that sexy one-eyebrow-raised thing he does and says, “I know you aren’t talking to me like that,” in that bedroom voice of his that sends chills all the way down to my toes.
Treading water, I smirk at him. “What are you gonna do about it?”
I turn over and sprint back to the wall with Jax racing behind me. If I can make it to the wall, I can get out and dive over him. He won’t be able to catch me. I flip over to my back and do two backstrokes. I have more than enough time. I laugh as I reach the wall. This is fun. Before I can pull myself out of the water all the way, Jax captures the back of his shirt I’m borrowing.
Fast bastard.
Jax gets out of the pool after a while and watches me float around in nothing but my bra and panty set. I didn’t see the point of swimming with his wet shirt. I smile up at him. From here I can see that his eyes are the dark shade of green that I love, the one that reminds me of a lion about to attack. I know he won’t, he won’t cross that line with me, not here. It’s bittersweet. I love that we have our friendship back, but I hate that we can’t be more than that.
I’m so grateful that he made me do this, that he pushed me when I was ready even though I didn’t know it. He was right, I was punishing myself for my family’s death. I refused to do the one thing that brought me so much joy. It’s hard to believe that I’ve denied myself this feeling for six long years. Swimming is a part of me, the missing piece that I refused to acknowledge.
Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) Page 23