Connor returns with two beers and two glasses of clear liquid in shot glasses, and shoots me a smile when I glare at the shot glasses. He knows I’m not a shot drinker, I’m barely a drinker at all.
“No.” I say at the same time Connor says, “Yes.”
“No.” I say when he places my beer and the offending shot in front of me.
Ignoring me, Connor downs his shot and waits for me to do the same. I don’t. Which just makes him smile even wider. “One shot for one secret,” he prompts and wiggles his eyebrows at me.
“Shots for secrets?”
He nods and pushes the shot closer to me.
“Do I get to ask the questions?”
He shrugs. “If you want to, but I don’t think you’ll ask the right question.”
I eye him while coming up with a plan. I have to tread lightly. “Fine, first shot you tell me something you think I want to know, and the next one I ask the question I want to know.”
“How many secrets do you want the answers to?”
“I only need one.”
He leaves without a word. A few minutes later, he rejoins me with two more shots. He lifts the first glass and clinks it to mine. I gulp the vodka down, my insides feeling like they’re on fire the entire time. I can feel the burn all the way down to my stomach.
I gulp down half my beer. “Start . . . talking,” I wheeze when I can finally find my voice again. I hate vodka.
“Where would you like me start?”
“How about with the secret I just earned from that shot.” Any amount of patience that I have has disappeared.
“Jax has started seeing—”
“What!” I roar.
“Let me finish,” Connor says, not caring in the slightest that my world is falling apart again.
As much as I remind myself it doesn’t matter what that liar does, I can’t help the sickening sensation that overwhelms me and it has nothing to do with the taste of vodka in my mouth.
“He’s seeing Olivia. For about a month now.”
I think I might pass out. What happened to the troll? Jax is dating my therapist. I think that’s illegal. Patient confidentiality and all that. Where does he get off? Where does Liv get off? She’s married and twice his age. I’ve told her things about us that nobody knows. Oh God.
“As a patient . . .” Connor says, breaking through my horrid thoughts.
Spitting out my beer, I choke out. “What?”
Connor squeezes my hand. “He’s been getting help.”
My mind spins and it has nothing to do with the small amount of alcohol that I’ve consumed. Jax is seeing my therapist. He’s getting help.
“Why her?”
Surely there has to be a million therapists in New York. Okay maybe not a million, but pretty freaking close. Why her? I can’t believe she didn’t tell me. Then again she can’t. Connor studies his beer bottle. Suddenly his label fascinates him. I know whatever he’s going to say, I’m not going to like it.
Still examining his bottle he says so quietly I have to strain to hear, “Don’t kill the messenger, but it’s because of you.”
“Me?” I’m this close to banging his head against the wall to get answers.
The words tumble out of Connor’s mouth as if he can’t hold it in anymore. “She’s helped you. We’ve all seen it, Addie. You weren’t here. Then you started working with Olivia and all of a sudden, you started coming back. We all thought we’d lost you.”
Connor looks up at me, expecting me to disagree or jump down his throat, I’m assuming. I give him a weak smile, which encourages him to continue.
“I think on some level Jax needed to see her. I don’t think he would have been able to get help from anyone else. He saw the change in you. He kept telling Logan and me that you were going to be okay. He believed that you were coming back to us before Logan or I saw it. If he’s going to get help, it has to be from Olivia.”
“Why didn’t he tell me?”
Connor just raises an eyebrow. “Is that your question?”
I shake my head and force away all thoughts of Jax. I don’t care if he’s seeing Liv. I can’t care, not anymore. Not after him refusing to reveal my own memories to me. Connor point to the only remaining shot glass on the table. Hastily, I bring it to my lips. It doesn’t taste any better going down a second time.
“What really happened six years ago between Jax and me?” I ask before I set the glass down.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Cut the crap. You said a shot for a question. I took the shot, now answer me! I deserve to know what happened, what I can’t remember!” My voices raises, my earlier frustration gushing back with a vengeance.
When he meets my eyes, regret fills his brown ones. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
I slam down my hands. “Why?”
“Ask me anything else and I’ll tell you.”
Everyone in my life is lying to me. I thought I could always count on my guys, but I was wrong. Without a word, I get up.
“Addie, wait,” Connor says as he reaches for me.
I step to the side so he doesn’t touch me. “Jax refuses to tell me what happened. Now you, too. What is so bad that I don’t deserve to know?”
He runs a shaky hand through his long blonde hair. “It isn’t my secret to share.”
“Whose is it?”
“Yours and Jax’s.”
I need to hit something. “I don’t remember and Jax isn’t telling me anything! If it’s my secret then tell me, I want to know!”
He sighs. “I can’t, I’m sorry.”
“Why?”
“Because we were told that we needed to wait until you remembered to talk about it. If we brought it up before you were ready, you would . . .” His voice trails off.
“I would what, Connor?”
He gulps loudly. “You might attempt suicide again if you found out before you’re truly ready to remember.”
He makes no sense. “What are you talking about?”
“Why did you try to kill yourself five years ago, Addie?”
I hate that I have to answer him. “Because I felt guilty about the car accident and them dying.”
“Who?”
Is he stupid? Does he really need me to spell it out for him? He raises his eyebrow. Apparently so.
“My parents and Hadley. I felt guilty that I survived. I didn’t think I could live without them, so five years ago I swallowed enough pills to kill me. If it wasn’t for Jax finding me, I would have succeeded.”
“No.”
“What do you mean, no? That’s why I tried to kill myself.”
“That wasn’t the only reason.”
I will seriously hurt him if he doesn’t stop speaking in riddles. “Then what was?”
He stays silent. I want to bang my head against the table. I’m no closer to assembling the pieces then I was this morning.
“You’re not going to tell me?”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t. You need to be the one to remember.”
I glare at him, hating that another person I thought I could trust is keeping something from me. “Have a safe flight.”
He reaches for me but I yank my arm away.
“No, Connor! If you’re not going to tell me, fine. I’ll find out eventually. From this point forward, we’re no longer friends. Friends don’t keep things from each other.”
“Adalynn!” he shouts as I flee.
I rush back to my apartment building, to the only man in my life that isn’t lying to me. When the elevator doors close, I press Kohen’s floor instead of mine, figuring I should just get this over with before I lose my nerve. I need to talk to him and tell him things need to change if he wants to be in my life.
I lift my hand twice to knock, but each time I pull away at the last second. I don’t know why I’m so nervous. I have nothing to fear from him. On my fourth try, I’m finally able to knock.
Chapter Thirty-One
Hesit
antly, I knock again. The first time could barely be considered a knock since you couldn’t hear it. I should just call him. I grab my phone to do just that, but when I hit the home button, nothing happens. I forgot to charge it . . . again. I really need to start remembering to charge this sucker. Sighing, I rest my forehead on his door, I wanted to talk to him tonight before I chicken out. Suddenly the door gives away and I’m falling.
“Ouch,” I say when I face-plant into Kohen’s hard chest.
Once I’m able to recover and stand on my own, Kohen asks, “Are you okay? Did something happen?”
I bite my lip, my nervousness flooding back again. I have no idea what I want to tell him now that I’m in front of him. Okay, that’s a lie, I know what I want to say, I just don’t know where to start.
Nodding, I give him a weak smile that doesn’t reach my eyes. This may be it for us. He might leave me, too. Panic comes so quickly that my step falters. I’m going to be alone. Kohen mistakes my panic for something else. He takes several steps back with his hands in the air. Surrendering.
“I won’t hurt you. God, Adalynn, I could never hurt you. You mean too much to me. Please don’t be scared of me . . . don’t leave me.” His voice cracks and his eyes glisten with unshed tears. He thinks I’m leaving him and it terrifies him.
“I’m not . . . I’m not leaving.” He still doesn’t put his hands down or make a move to come closer. “I’m not afraid of you . . . I’m here to talk.” Deciding that I’ll have to be the one to make all the moves tonight, I slowly approach him. “Let’s go sit down so we can talk.”
Silently Kohen leads me over to his couch. He motions for me to sit so I do. Surprising me, he walks over to the wall across from me and leans against it. We stare at each other, neither of us speaking. My mind races. He needs to stop trying to dictate what I wear and lashing out in jealous rampages.
“I’m so—” he starts at the same time I say, “This needs—”
“You go,” we both say at the same time.
“I’m so sorry, Ad—”
“No, Kohen. I don’t want to hear how ‘sorry’ you are. This needs to stop.”
His face pales. The thought of me leaving him makes him sick. He’s so different from Jax. It would be refreshing if it wasn’t so painful.
“You can’t! You can’t leave me. I love you!” Kohen pushes off the wall and runs the few steps over to the couch to haul me into his arms. “I can’t lose you. I won’t!”
This might be harder than I originally thought. I didn’t realize he cared about me so much. Sure, he’s said he loves me, but I’ve always brushed that off. Even though he doesn’t know everything about me, he loves me. He wants me.
I pull out of his embrace. “I can’t be with you if you don’t change. I won’t.”
“I’ll do whatever you want, just promise you won’t leave me. We belong together.” He says this so seriously that I have no doubt that he truly believes this.
Maybe we do. I don’t know. I’ve never really given him a chance because of Jax. Maybe the right guy has been in front of me this entire time, I just chose to be blind. I’m not ignoring it anymore. I’m moving on.
I glance around his apartment. I feel like I’m really seeing it for the first time even though I’ve been here before. It’s so neat, almost OCD neat. There’s a picture of me on the end table that I’ve never noticed. It must be new. I don’t even remember taking it. I’m laughing in the picture, the wind blows my hair so that it’s wrapping around my face. He must have taken it when I wasn’t paying attention.
Immediately I feel guilty. He’s been nothing but here for me and all I’ve done is push him away. Out of sight, out of mind. All because I was hung up on Jax, on something that was never going to happen. I’ve been so wrong. I’ve been chasing after the wrong guy while I have the perfect guy right in front of me . . . well, almost perfect. But I think he can change; I hope that he will change for me. I hope someone will change for me.
“You need help,” I say at last.
“I know, I—”
I put up my hand to stop him, cutting him off again. I need to get this out before I lose my nerve.
“You’ve hurt me.” Kohen face falls, full of shame. “You keep saying you didn’t know what you were doing, but on some level you had to know. You’ve left bruises, you’ve called me names, you’re jealous of Connor for no reason, and Jax.” Guilt washes over me again because he had every right to be jealous. “You don’t trust me and you take it out on me. If you want me to give you another chance, then you need to get help.”
“I—”
“No, let me finish. You have to get help. I’ve seen you take your anger out on co-workers, too. It’s not healthy. One day you’re going to seriously hurt someone. I know you don’t mean to, that you don’t want to. I’m willing to give us a shot and see where this goes if you get help. I won’t let you hurt me again. Verbally or physically. If you ever talk to me like you did the other night or lay a hand on me again, I will walk out and you’ll never see me again.” I’m surprised at the sternness in my voice.
Kohen gently grasps my hand. “You are so precious to me, Adalynn. I will do anything you want as long as you’re mine. I won’t lose you.” Slowly, he lifts my hand to his warm lips and lightly kisses the back of it.
“You’ll go get help?” I whisper.
His dimples are prominent as he speaks. “I already am.”
“What?” I ask, even though I heard him clearly.
“The next morning after . . . the . . .”
“Jealous rampage?” I offer.
“Yeah, that works . . . I went and got help. I’m seeing a therapist once a week and I’m taking a class two times a week with other people like me. I want a chance with you. I knew that you wouldn’t give me another chance unless I proved to you that I’m going to change. I’m not that man anymore. I’m going to be better, I’m going be better for you.”
I don’t know what to say. I can’t believe that he’s trying to change, to change for me. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know that he hasn’t had time to make progress yet, but I drown out that thought.
“Okay,” I say at last.
“Okay?”
I interlock our fingers. “Let’s take this slow. I want to try with you.” I haven’t tried with you because I’m in love with someone else, I finish in my head. Loved.
“I can go as slow as you want,” Kohen says with a twinkle in his eyes.
That annoying voice in my head is telling me to take this slow, that I just ended things with Jax this morning. I think that’s why I smash my lips against his. He hesitates at first, but once I slip my tongue into his mouth, he kisses me back, fiercely. I lace my fingers through his blonde hair, but I imagine his hair is darker.
Kohen presses wet kisses down my jawline. I tilt my head so that he can reach my neck. I picture Jax’s tongue licking down my neck. I moan which drives Kohen mad. He bites down on my neck. I whisper Jax’s name . . . Out loud.
It’s like someone just dumped an ice bucket on me. My entire body stills. Kohen, too distracted, didn’t hear me. He keeps licking and biting my neck, oblivious. Thank God! That would not have gone over well. When Kohen finally realizes that I’m not into it anymore, he pauses, his eyes dark, confusion etched on his face.
“Did I do something wrong?”
Wow. I’m the worst human being on the planet. I have this gorgeous man in front of me, wanting to worship my body, and I’m thinking of someone else. I moaned out someone else’s name. Kohen deserves better than me.
“No. I’m sorry . . . I can’t do this.” I get a whole half a step away from him before he’s clutching me, forcibly so that I can’t move, but gentle enough where he doesn’t hurt me.
“No. I’m sorry. We’ll go slow. I’m sorry. Don’t leave. You can’t leave me, Adalynn. I won’t let you.” He tugs me into him, my back to his chest.
I will my body to relax into his. It’s a lot harder than usual. My body refuses to
melt into him because he’s not the person I yearn for. I force my unwilling body to mold into him anyways.
He kisses me right below my ear. “Stay,” he whispers. “Don’t leave.”
I nod and he squeezes me tighter.
Spinning me around so that I’m facing him, he cups both hands on my face. “Stay the night with me?”
I open my mouth to tell him that I can’t, but I stop when I picture Jax and the troll, him lying to me before leaving me. Connor lied. Logan is lying to me. I only have Kohen.
“Please, Adalynn. I need you. Nothing will happen, I know you’re not ready for that yet. I just need to hold you in my arms. I thought I was going to lose you.”
I don’t feel like smiling, but I make myself anyways. Those are the words I want to hear, just from the wrong guy. “Okay,” I say because I need to move on. I need Kohen to help me move on from Jax.
Kohen briefly brushes his lips over mine and clasps my hand. Silently, he leads me to his bedroom. I stop when I see the door to the spare room cracked open. I’ve never been inside this room before as it’s always closed. I don’t know why, but I’m curious.
“What’s in here?” I ask, pushing the door open a little further.
He reaches around me and slams the door. “Nothing. Just junk,” Kohen says with a tight smile which only piques my interest.
“Um, okay?” I ask skeptical. “If it was just junk then why can’t I go in there?”
“That . . . that room is full of my mother’s stuff. I only go in there when I’m feeling alone. I usually lock it. I’m sorry, but I don’t want you in there. You can go through anything else you want, but that room is off-limits.” He says it sweetly, but it’s laced with panic.
Immediately I understand. “Don’t worry about it, Kohen. I won’t go in there if you don’t want me to. I was just curious. I’m sorry if I upset you.”
Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) Page 44