by Various
"Why do you think George Washington was the first man?" asked theteacher.
"Because he was 'first in war, first in peace, and first in thehearts of his countrymen.'"
Another boy then raised his hand.
"Well, Johnny, who do you think was the first man?" said the teacher.
"Don't know his name," answered Johnny, "but I know George Washingtonwas not the first man, 'cause my history says he married a widow, sothere must have been a man ahead of him."
_All's Fair in Love_
A poor couple went to the priest for marriage, and were met with ademand for the marriage fee. It was not forthcoming. Both theconsenting parties were rich in love and in their prospects, butdestitute of financial resources. The father was obdurate. "Nomoney, no marriage."
"Give me l'ave, your riverence," said the blushing bride, "to go andget the money."
It was given, and she sped forth on the delicate mission of raising amarriage fee out of pure nothing. After a short interval shereturned with the sum of money, and the ceremony was completed to thesatisfaction of all. When the parting was taking place thenewly-made wife seemed a tittle uneasy.
"Anything on your mind, Catherine ?" said the father.
"Well, your riverence, I would like to know if this marriage couldnot be spoiled now."
"Certainly not, Catherine. No man can put you asunder."
"Could you not do it yourself, father? Could you not spoil themarriage?"
"No, no, Catherine. You are past me now. I have nothing more to dowith your marriage."
"That aises me mind," said Catherine, "and God bless your riverence.There's the ticket for your hat. I picked it up in the lobby andpawned it."
_An Addition to the Catechism_
An enterprising superintendent was engaged one Sunday in catechizingthe Sunday-school pupils, varying the usual method by beginning atthe end of the catechism.
After asking what were the prerequisites for the Holy Communion andconfirmation, and receiving satisfactory replies, he asked:
"And now, boys, tell me what must precede baptism?"
A lively urchin shouted out: "A baby, sir!"
_No Two Ways About It_
A colored preacher who had only a small share of this world's goods,and whose salary was not forthcoming on several occasions, becameexasperated. At his morning service he spoke to his church membersthusly:
"Bredern and sistern, things is not as should be. You 'must not'spects I can preach on u'th an' boa'd in Heben."
_The Maid Knew a Thing or Two_
"Madam," said the book-agent as the door was opened by a very comelymaid, "I am selling a new book on etiquette and deportment."
"Oh, you are," she responded. "Go down there on the grass and cleanthe mud off your feet."
"Yes'm," and he went. "As I was saying, ma'am," he continued as heagain came to the door, "I am sell----"
"Take off your hat! Never address a strange lady at her door withoutremoving your hat."
"Yes'm." And off went the hat. "Now, then, as I was saying----"
"Take your hands out of your pockets. No gentleman ever carries hishands there."
"Yes'm," and his hands clutched at his coat lapels. "Now, ma'am,this work on eti----"
"Throw out your cud. If a gentleman uses tobacco he is careful notto disgust others by the habit."
"Yes'm," and the tobacco disappeared. "Now, ma'am," as he wiped hisbrow, "in calling your attention to this valuable----"
"Wait. Put that dirty handkerchief out of sight. I don't want yourbook. I am only the hired girl. You can come in, however, and talkwith the lady of the house. She called me a liar this morning and Ithink she needs something of the kind."
_Under Similar Conditions_
"Speaking of men falling in love and ardently pursuing the object oftheir affections, you needn't make fun of any one, John. You werebound to have me, but you can't say I ever ran after you."
"Very true, Anastasia, the trap never runs after the rat, but itgathers him in all the same."
_His First Move_
A bashful cowboy, returning from the plains to civilized societyafter an absence of several years, fell desperately in love at firstsight with a pretty young girl whom he met at a party.
On leaving the house that evening the young lady forgot herovershoes, and the hostess, who had noticed the Westerner'sinfatuation, told the young Lochinvar that he might return them tothe girl if he wished. The herder leaped at the chance and presentedhimself in due time at the young lady's house. She greeted himcordially.
"You forgot your overshoes last night," he said, awkwardly handingher the package.
"Why, there's only one overshoe here!" she exclaimed, as she thankedhim and opened it.
"Yes, Miss," said he, blushing. "I'll bring the other one tomorrow.Oh, how I wish that you were a centipede!" And with that he turnedand sped away down the street.
_His "Catch" Was Delayed_
Tommy went fishing the other day without his mother's permission.The next morning one of his chums met him and asked: "Did you catchanything yesterday, Tommy?"
"Not till I got home," was the rather sad response.
_Using His Friends_
A visitor from New York to the suburbs said to his host during theafternoon:
"By-the-way, your front gate needs repairing. It was all I could doto get it open. You ought to have it trimmed or greased orsomething."
"Oh, no," replied the owner, "oh, no, that's all right."
"Why is it?" asked the visitor.
"Because," was the reply, "every one who comes through that gatepumps two buckets of water into the tank on the roof."
_He Did--After That_
A young man who persisted in whispering loudly to the lady whoaccompanied him to a symphony concert, telling her what the music"meant," what sort of a passage was coming next, and so on, causedserious annoyance to every one of his immediate neighbors. Presentlyhe closed his eyes and said to his companion:
"Did you ever try listening to music with your eyes shut? You've noidea how lovely it sounds!"
Thereupon a gentleman who sat in the seat in front of the young mantwisted himself about and said gravely:
"Young man, did you ever try listening to music with your mouth shut?"