Remember When

by A. D. Ryan

  That night, I stood in Charlie's doorway watching her sleep soundly. Her soft blonde curls framed her cherubic face as she snuggled her little stuffed kitten close to her heart and smiled. Every breath she took was precious—this I knew. As I stood there, watching over my sleeping angel, I remembered my life from the very moment I met Cassie in high school. Our courtship. Going to college together and the hurdles our relationship overcame in those trying years. Getting engaged. How stunning Cassie was on the arm of her father as she made her way down the aisle to me…toward her future. I smiled when I reminisced about the day she told me she was pregnant, even silently chuckled at the memory of her thinking I would be upset by that fact. Then, the day Charlie was born…

  Such beautiful memories of our happy life together.

  “Hey,” a soft voice said from behind me. I closed my eyes and tried to will it away, knowing it wasn't real. That her being here could only mean trouble for the life I had worked so hard to rebuild.

  It took only a few seconds before I gave up trying, though. I wanted her to be here… I wanted her to be real.

  I closed Charlie's door before turning to Cassie. The moonlight that shone through the window in the hallway cast a silver glow across her perfect features and she offered me an apologetic smile. “You're late.” There was no hiding the slight anger in my voice. None of it happened, I willed, wanting it to be the truth.

  She tilted her head to the side and placed a hand on my cheek. “I'm sorry. I'm here now, though.”

  I brushed past her and headed to our bedroom. Her soft footfalls were heard behind me as she followed. “For tonight,” I said, closing the door once she had crossed the threshold. How long can this last?

  Reality finally slipped away…

  And like every other night for the last two years, we argued until we were both too tired to say anything else.

  All the air left my body as the vision assaulted me. “Holy shit,” I gasped, falling back onto the leather couch and running my fingers through my unruly hair. I was suddenly extremely overwhelmed by… everything. Staring up at the ceiling, I tried to catch my breath as I willed the room to stop spinning.

  My mother looked back at my father and then redirected her attention on me. “What is it, dear?”

  “Jack?” Dr. Richards's concerned voice caught my attention.

  I swallowed thickly as the realization continued to sink in. I remembered that night with vivid clarity, but until now hadn't really thought about it. “What…?” I shook my head and sat back up, turning to face my parents again. “When did you guys figure it out?”

  “At first, we didn't,” Mom confessed with a sad smile. “There were a few things you said here and there. The beach house fixing everything, for one. We weren't aware that there was anything that needed fixing.” She took a deep breath, her face clearly reflecting her struggle to voice her next statement. “However, it wasn't until Charlie spent the weekend that we grew even more suspicious.”

  “We asked Sienna to speak with you; see if maybe she could pinpoint any strange behavior.” My eyes shot to my father as he started speaking.

  “You spoke to Sienna?” It suddenly made sense; the day Sienna pulled me into her office after my weekend with Cassie. The way she had been evaluating me. This was why.

  My father nodded. “Billy called us, also. Told us you seemed off at lunch. It wasn't really just one thing, Jack. Everyone saw it.”

  “Everyone but me,” I whispered, my eyes finally finding Cassie again.

  She sighed softly and cupped my cheek in her delicate hand. “But you know now.”

  “Yeah, but I wish I didn't.”

  Chapter 19 | Letting Go

  Minutes turned to hours. Hours to days. Days to weeks.

  While I now knew the truth, I still couldn't let go. I wanted to get better—needed to, even. But letting go of Cassie was proving to be more difficult than I had anticipated. I still couldn't accept that this was my life.

  Once I recognized that my medication was keeping my delusions of her under control, I would tongue the capsules at the part of my day when I knew I needed her most. At night. She chastised me, sure, but who was she going to tell?

  “Jack, you need to take those. They'll help you sleep,” she told me firmly.

  I scoffed at her as I pocketed the two pills I had tongued under my nurse's supervision. “You help me sleep.”

  With a sigh that was part exasperation and part despair, she walked toward me, cupping my face in her hands. “You know I can't stay. You need to let me go…so you can get back to Charlie. She needs you.”

  My eyebrows dipped toward one another, and my voice caught. “But… I need you.”

  “Baby,” she said sweetly. “I'll always be with you in some way.”

  My anxiety had peaked, and I knew I should have taken my pills—that's what they were there for, after all. But taking them meant that Cassie would leave, and I couldn’t handle that. Not yet. I shook my head against her firm grasp. “No. I’m not ready. I…I need more time.”

  We had come to an understanding that night and Cassie pulled me down into bed with her, humming to me until I fell asleep in her cool embrace. The dreams still recurred, but this time, I knew them for what they really were—the truth. Unfortunately, my sleep was still far from peaceful, and I was admittedly exhausted more and more every day, but I was still unwilling to give up that time with my Cassie.

  When I awoke the next day, my body was fatigued and moved slower than usual. I didn't want to take my meds, but I could feel the toll that going the night without them was having, so when the nurse came around, I took them, being sure to swallow and let them work.

  “I'm proud of you,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around my neck. “I love you.” The way she spoke told me she thought this was me giving in.

  “I'll see you tonight,” I said, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to her forehead before she had to go.

  “But—” I placed a finger to her soft lips, silencing her before she had a chance to object to what I was insinuating.

  “Tonight,” I whispered, only to have her nod solemnly against my finger.

  When the Librium entered my bloodstream, Cassie was gone, and I was alone. I already felt the emptiness that her absence always brought, and I didn't like it one bit. There was only an hour until my next session, and I was sure my parents would be stopping by in the afternoon—they usually did, after all. As much as I appreciated their effort to check in on me, there was only one person I wanted to see besides Cassie: Charlie.

  She was my only living link to my wife, and I hadn't seen her since the day I had admitted myself to the hospital. Her birthday was the next day, and I felt awful that I was going to miss it. I should have been there with her, helping her blow out her candles, taking pictures of her as she tore open the wrapping paper on the many gifts I hadn't yet bought for her…

  I missed her terribly, and not a moment went by where I wasn't thinking about her; wondering what she was up to, if she missed me, if she thought about me as much as I did her. Had she changed much in the weeks I had been here? Was her hair longer? Her voice a little more grown up? So many questions and just not enough answers.

  “Jack?” a familiar voice called out. I lifted my head and saw Sienna poke her head into the room, her smile bright and friendly. Not tentative in the least—which was a welcome change to most of my visitors.

  “Hey,” I greeted warmly, pulling her into my arms and squeezing her tightly. “How've you been?”

  After ending our hug, Sienna flopped herself onto my bed and patted the empty spot next to her. “Swamped…which is why I haven't been able to come see you until now. I'm sorry. Friends don't let friends—”

  “Sit in the nuthouse alone?” I finished jokingly.

  Sienna laughed nervously, pushing a strand of her brown hair behind her ear. “No,” she responded, her laugh trailing off slightly. “I suppose we don't do that, either. Seriously, though, how have things be
en going?”

  As I sat in my room, with Sienna on my bed, the right side of her body barely brushing mine, I watched her every move. She wasn't apprehensive or hesitant around me, but she was working hard to try and get a read on me. When her eyes caught mine, what I once thought to be attraction was nothing more than caring and concern. Friendship.

  “We miss you around the office.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I miss you guys, too.” Another beat of silence filled the room before I finally had the nerve to voice what I had to. “Did you know?”

  “About Cassie?” she asked before shaking her head. “Not right away. I mean, I knew you seemed to be struggling…” I scoffed at the word she chose to describe what I had been going through. “But I had no idea that you were seeing her again.”

  Sienna turned to me, taking one of my hands in hers. “Jack, I feel it only right to let you know…” She took a deep breath, clearly afraid of what she had to say next. “You were seeing patients when you…well, what I mean is—”

  I didn't have to be psychic to know what she was going to say before she said it. While I had been delusional and seeing my dead wife, I had also been practicing psychiatry. Clients had come to me and trusted me with their problems, and yet, none of it even compared to the secret I had been keeping. Sienna was here to tell me that I was under evaluation. “Yeah,” I chuckled darkly, raking my fingers through my hair. “I was wondering when this would come up.”

  Sienna dropped her eyes to her now-fidgeting fingers. “I've gone through your files. Everything appears legit. There shouldn't be any problems. I just thought you should know that it's being looked into.”

  “And the practice?” I asked, concerned that the practice she had worked so hard to build from the ground up would be compromised.

  “I'm sure it's fine. We'll figure it out. We always do.” She raised her brown eyes to mine after a beat. “I'm more concerned with you. Are you okay? I mean…are you still…?”

  I chuckled as I watched her try to find the right words. “Delusional?” I finished for her.

  Sienna's eyebrows wrinkled together with uncertainty, and she seemed kind of ashamed of even beginning to voice the question. “Well, I wasn't going to be that blunt, but, yeah.”

  Considering I hadn't even been able to fool my parents, I knew I wouldn't be able to lie to Sienna without her knowing. She wasn't just my colleague and mentor. I considered her to be a friend, and she’d borne witness to the worst parts of my marriage to Cassie. With a shuddering sigh, I clasped my hands tightly in my lap and looked down at them—silently willing Cassie to show up and give me the strength to get through this moment as she so often did.

  “I still see her,” I confessed, my voice a hoarse whisper.

  “Are you not taking your meds? They seemed to help…the last time?” When she spoke the last three words, they came out slow and tentative, almost as though she wasn't sure I wanted to hear about the first time Cassie ever came to me.

  Raising my eyes back to Sienna, I noted the heavy concern that registered in her expression. “Sometimes. I can't lose her again, Sienna. It will destroy me.” Tears fell from my eyes as I admitted this to her. “I take them in the morning—after my dreams make the anxiety worse.”

  “Jack,” she breathed softly, placing a hand over mine to calm the furious fidgeting that was going on. “The dreams are a result of your anxiety. Take the meds at night.”

  My head shook quickly. “No, I need her the most at night.”

  “Look, I get that this is hard for you. I do. But, you look like you haven't slept much in weeks. That's not good for you. It's only going to make things worse. Think about what this is doing to—”

  Knowing what she was going to say before she even said it, I cut her off abruptly. “I'm going to stop you right there. I love my daughter—you know that. I want to be better for her…but things are so much more complicated than that.”

  “I know. But they don't have to be,” Sienna whispered softly, giving my hand a gentle squeeze. “Come back to us. And soon, okay?” Sienna's eyes shifted to her watch, and she groaned quietly. “I have a few appointments today, but—if you'd like—I can stop by again soon?”

  The smile that spread across my face was small, but still genuine. “I would appreciate that.”

  With a bright smile, Sienna draped her arms around my shoulders again and squeezed me tightly, whispering promises to do anything she could to help—even if that meant coming to visit me several times a day.

  Once she was gone, I headed to my daily session. It was no different than any other session, really. Dr. Richards could tell I was still stressed, and the deep purple circles under my eyes were a prime indicator that I wasn't getting as much sleep as I should have been. There was no reason for me to lie to him about anything; I wouldn't fool him, anyway. I confessed to tonguing my night meds, and this earned me a very disapproving look from him.

  When he instructed me to start taking them, I told him I would…when I was ready. My refusal to give Cassie up was starting to concern him more and more each day, and I wouldn't be entirely surprised if he started administering an anti-anxiety medication through a syringe, or putting me on lockdown. Extreme measures, sure, but deep down I knew I was being difficult. Had I been in his position, it's what I would have done.

  After my session, I had lunch in my room. Instead of eating, I pushed the food around, eating only a few bites here and there. My appetite was non-existent, and I just wanted Cassie back with me. Five hours, thirty-three minutes, I thought to myself as I looked up at the clock.

  Yes, I had it worked out to the minute—give or take a few seconds—just how long my Librium kept me Cassie-free, and I found myself much more aware of the time when she wasn't with me. The hours dragged on and on and on…

  Unable to take the loneliness of my room, I decided to walk the halls to clear my head. In the common room, a few of the other patients were watching a movie on the wall-mounted TV. I wasn't aware of what movie was playing, but I didn't want to be alone, so I took a seat in the empty arm chair and stared through the TV, not really paying attention to the bright picture. It wasn't long before my eyelids felt heavy, and my head bobbed several times as sleep threatened to take hold. Eventually, I gave in.

  “Movie's over,” a smooth voice whispered in my ear.

  My head snapped up quickly, my neck aching from the awkward position in which I fell asleep in the easy chair. Blinking a few times, my vision finally cleared and the light, post-nap fog started to fade as I focused on the big blue eyes before me. My body relaxed in an instant, every part of me numb to the pain of her absence all day, and I smiled widely as I moved to stand up.

  “You slept,” she said happily, and I nodded in response.

  One look over Cassie's shoulders told me the nurses were suspicious. They all watched me carefully for a moment until I indicated to Cassie with my eyes that we should head back to my room for more privacy. Taking my hand in hers, Cassie understood, and before long we were walking down the hall. The nurses kept their eyes trained on me, but as I got closer to them, the looks they gave me weren't ones of concern or fear, but of…anticipation? It was very curious behavior.

  Of course, as soon as I pushed the door to my room open, I understood why their eyes never left me.

  As I stepped over the threshold, the first thing I saw was a big pair of baby blue eyes, topped with a curly mess of golden curls. Tears sprung to my eyes, and I crouched down as Charlie squealed and ran forward. The force of her little body colliding with mine propelled me back until I landed on my backside with my baby girl in my arms. I pushed my nose into her thick curls and inhaled the scent of her shampoo, committing it to memory.

  “Daddy! I missed you so much!” Charlie exclaimed into my ear as she squeezed me tighter around my neck. Her little body vibrated as the adrenaline from our reunion coursed through her entire body.

  “God, Charlie. I missed you more than you could ever know. I'm so sorry.” My apol
ogy wasn't just meant for Charlie. As my eyes drifted upward, I saw my parents standing in the center of my room. My mother's hands covered her mouth and tears spilled forward onto her cheeks and fingertips. Meanwhile, Dad had his arm around her shoulders, holding her close to his body to support her as her knees trembled from the overwhelming emotions she was feeling.

  Not that I was complaining about my surprise visitor, but I had to ask. “What made you…? Why now?”

  My mother was still so overcome with emotion that she was in no condition to speak, so my father shrugged one shoulder and smiled crookedly at me. “Sienna thought you might need this time with Charlie. She called us after seeing you, and after hearing what she had to say, it made sense.”

  I pulled Charlie closer to me, and every part of me that ached to see her again felt relief as the gaping wounds started to heal. I didn't want to let go of my baby—not ever—but she started wriggling to free herself, even giggling because she thought it was part of a game. Releasing her was the hardest thing I ever had to do, because I knew we couldn't be together yet. She would have to leave me here until I was better.

  “I drew you a picture, Daddy!” she told me excitedly. She ran over to my bed—where her pink baby blanket was now folded on top of my pillow—and grabbed an eight-by-eleven piece of white poster board. I stood up and moved to my bed, sitting on the edge, and pulled Charlie onto my lap so she could present me with her gift. My emotions caught in my throat as I looked at the image she had drawn with crayons.

  “This is me right there,” she said animatedly, pointing with her finger to the picture of herself. “You can tell 'cause I has yellow hair. I'm wearing a blue dress because blue is your favorite color.” She turned her head up to look at me. “Do you still like blue, Daddy?” Her voice wavered with the uncertainty, afraid that maybe I had changed since being here.

  “Yes, bug. I still like blue,” I assured her as I tucked a loose curl behind her ear before turning my attention back to her drawing. With a smile, I pointed at the person standing next to her. “And who's this handsome man?”