Remember When

by A. D. Ryan

  Sienna pulled me into her arms and held me tightly for a minute. “Aah!” she cried out happily, tightening her arms around me for emphasis. “You're going home! Can you believe it?”

  “It does seem a little too good to be true. But I'm afraid if I let myself think, for even a second, that this isn't really happening, I might wake up in this bed, strapped down and being force-fed enough tranquilizers to take down a large herd of elephants,” I confessed with a laugh as I released her from my embrace.

  “So? Are you ready to go? I called your parents when I arrived and let them know we were going to be leaving shortly.”

  I nodded before turning to grab my bag, and Sienna led me from the hospital. I waved to all the nurses as I walked past them, saying my farewells on the way out, and once outside I inhaled deeply, absorbing the fresh air that the cool fall day had to offer. Yes, in the weeks I had been here, I had been outside. However, today was different. The air, as it entered my lungs, was filled with the prospect of a second chance at life.

  Even though I had driven the highway from Denver to Frederick more times than I could count, this time was also completely different. Everything seemed just a little bit brighter as Sienna drove and I stared out the windows. The changing colors of the leaves were a little brighter, the sky just a little bluer, and the sun just a little more golden. It was a true testament to the advances I had made in the last few weeks.

  As we pulled onto my parents' street, my hands began to sweat, and I nervously tried drying them on the thigh of my jeans as I saw their house come into view. Sienna pulled her car into the driveway, and I found myself taking a few controlled deep breaths in order to calm my thundering heart. For a brief second, I felt as though I wasn't ready for this. That there was a very real possibility that I could relapse—again. What if that was to happen? What would happen to Charlie? To my parents? To me?

  Sienna's warm hand on my own brought me back to the present. I looked over at her, the panic clearly written on my face. “It's going to be fine,” she assured me.

  “What if—?”

  Sienna shook her head and cut me off. “No. No ‘what if's.’ This is a happy day. Behind those doors is a five-year-old little girl who loves and misses her daddy more than anything in this world. She has no idea you're here, and when she sees you…” Sienna took a deep, shaky breath and held back the tears that had filled her eyes. “God. Her entire world is just going to stop. And when you look into her big, soulful eyes, you're going to remember that you conquered something no one should ever have to. And that you did it for her.”

  Sienna was right. I nodded my head and reached for my door and exited the car. As we walked up the sidewalk to the front door, I could hear Charlie inside having the time of her life. I gripped the black door handle and moved to squeeze the latch to push it open, freezing briefly to take another deep breath.

  “You can do this,” Sienna whispered from behind me, placing her small hand on my shoulder in a show of support.

  I opened the door slowly and peeked inside the foyer. I must have timed everything just right, because Charlie came barreling around the corner, crying out for her Uncle Billy to stop chasing her. When she spotted me, she skidded to an abrupt stop, her breath catching upon locking eyes with me.

  I smiled, arching my eyebrows, and dropped my bag onto the floor. “Hey, bug.”

  Charlie didn't move. She didn't smile. She didn't breathe. She stood as still as a statue in the foyer for what seemed like forever. Suddenly, what was happening registered with her and she let out an ear-piercing shriek.

  “Daddyyyy!” She ran forward, and I knelt down to hoist her up into my arms so I could hold her. “You're here!”

  Upon hearing the commotion, everyone had entered the room. Billy stood behind Sarah, his hands on her shoulders, and they both smiled at me happily. Sarah mouthed a “welcome home,” not wanting to interrupt my reunion with Charlie, and I offered her a nod of thanks in return. Jen and Alex stood next to them, tears falling from Jennifer's eyes as she tried to wipe them away before anyone could see. And my parents stood just off to the side, watching happily as Charlie and I shared this special moment.

  Charlie lifted her head from my shoulder and craned her neck around to look at our friends and family that had joined us. “Did you guys know he was comin' home today?” The way she voiced the question told me she already suspected they did; she was just fishing for confirmation.

  “Surprise, Charlie,” my father said with a wink and a smirk in her direction.

  I set Charlie down so I could remove my shoes and come inside. Sienna followed my lead upon my mother's insistence that she should stay, stating that she just had a call to make to rearrange a date that she had made for tonight.

  “You don't have to do that,” I assured her.

  Sienna shook her head. “Darren will understand. I'd rather be here for you right now. It's what friends do.”

  We all gathered in the family room, Charlie perched on my lap and looking at me with excited eyes. The way she looked at me was almost as though she couldn't believe this was happening. And truthfully, that feeling I had earlier about being afraid of waking up at any minute came to the forefront of my mind, making me nervous. Closing my eyes, I pulled Charlie in for a tight hug and breathed her in until she started giggling. When I opened my eyes again, everything was exactly as it was a moment ago.

  This was real.

  “We're so proud of you, Jack,” my mother said, breaking the silence in the room.

  I offered her a wide smile. “I couldn't have done it without all of you supporting me. You've all been so great through all of this. Especially considering what I put you through.” Now was as good a time as any for the final step in my recovery. I inhaled a calming breath, looked around at my family and sighed. “I'm very sorry for everything. I know it couldn't have been easy.”

  “Hey,” Billy said, shaking his head. “We're family. As if we weren't going to support you.”

  Sarah nodded beside him. “Exactly,” she said softly. “We love you, and we're so glad you're finally home.”

  My family's acceptance to everything that had happened was incredible. The way they forgave so easily… I couldn't have asked for better people to be surrounded by.

  It felt so great to be surrounded by loved ones in a non-hospital setting again. I watched and listened to each and every one speak, occasionally placing feather-light kisses on Charlie's head, only to have her giggle and squirm against me. I never wanted to forget this moment…this feeling.

  “All right. Dinner's almost ready,” my mother announced. “Charlie, would you like to help me set the table?”

  With a quick peck on my cheek, Charlie jumped down from my lap. She made it all of two steps before she stopped and put her hands on her hips. “Hey!” She cried out suddenly. Her grandmother turned to look at her quizzically. “I shoulda known something was goin' on! You even made Daddy's favorite!”

  Laughing, my mom walked to her and ushered her forward. “Yes, sweetheart.”

  Charlie let her hands fall, and she sighed with over exaggerated frustration. “How am I gonna be able to trust you all ever again?” Their playful banter faded as they rounded the corner to the dining room, and we all laughed.

  As soon as dinner was on the table, my mother came back into the room and told us all we could start eating. Upon entering the barely-used dining room, I found Charlie sitting in a chair with her legs across another—in an effort to save it to me, I assumed. Billy smirked knowingly and went to pull it out for himself, only to have Charlie scowl at him and shake her finger.

  “Nuh uh, Uncle Billy! This is my daddy's seat,” she informed him firmly, bending forward to place her hands next to her legs on the seat.

  “But Charlie, I always sit next to you,” he pouted playfully, sinking to his knees at her side and batting his eyes at her.

  She merely shrugged and turned her head away from him in a dismissive manner. “That's too bad. I want Dad
dy to sit here this time. Sorry.”

  Returning to his feet, Billy laughed and rubbed his hand on the top of her hair, messing it up slightly. “S'ok, kiddo. I understand. I was only messin' with ya,” he told her with a wink. “Next time, though?”

  Charlie smiled and shrugged again. “We'll see.”

  After taking our seats, my father stood at his spot at the head of the table and smiled proudly in my direction. “Helen and I just wanted to thank you all for joining us here today,” he began, nodding his head at my mother who sat directly across from him. “It means a lot to us both that you could be here to celebrate Jack's homecoming. Jack, your mother and I are extremely happy to have you back.” Everyone else nodded and spoke in agreement with what my father was saying.

  Looking at each and every one of them as they sat around the long table, I nodded once. “And thank you all for your continued love and support. I don't know where I'd be right now if it weren't for all of you.” Once again, I found myself undeserving of them all as they assured me that it was what family did for one another, no matter what. I could only shake my head and smile as I placed my cloth napkin across my lap and started to dig in.

  Dinner was phenomenal. My mother had made a roasted chicken with mashed potatoes and a steamed vegetable medley, and for dessert, one of her famous apple pies. It had been weeks since I had eaten even close to this good. After dessert, Charlie yawned and rested her head against my arm. When I looked over, her eyes appeared to be heavy, and her breathing seemed deeper.

  “Son, why don't you take the Mercedes home? Get Charlie to bed,” My father offered softly. “She's had a long day, and the two of you deserve a little time to yourselves.”

  It was exactly what I should do…what I wanted to do; but there was that part of me that was fearful of the past coming back to repeat itself. My eyes met Sienna's, and she gave me a curt nod as if to tell me that everything was going to be fine. I stood slowly, lifting Charlie into my arms, and took her to the front door where I slipped on my shoes. Everyone came to see us off as I stood in the foyer holding my sleeping five-year-old on my right hip, her head falling on my shoulder.

  “Call if you need anything,” Sienna told me. “It doesn't matter what time it is.”

  Jennifer stepped forward and stood on her tip-toes to reach around my shoulders to hug me. “I'm so happy you're back, baby brother.”

  “Thanks, half-pint,” I said, kissing the top of her head quickly. “I'll call you guys tomorrow.”

  I put Charlie in the car seat my parents had put in the Mercedes while they took care of her these last few weeks, and we headed for home. As I pulled into the driveway next to my abandoned Audi, Charlie awoke slightly.

  “Daddy?” she whispered softly as I opened her door.

  “Mmm?” I hummed in acknowledgement as I unstrapped her and picked her up again.

  A loud yawn escaped her again as she wrapped her arms and legs around me. “Nothin'. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't dreamin'.”

  “No, baby. This isn't a dream. I'm here. We're home,” I assured her.

  Once inside, I took Charlie upstairs and laid her in her bed. I hadn't planned to change her into her pajamas since she had fallen back asleep as soon as I had picked her back up, so I placed her under her comforter, grabbed her stuffed kitten, and tucked her in tight. There was a part of me that wanted to sit on the end of her bed and just watch her all night long. I missed her so much that I didn't want to miss a single minute of her life ever again. Instead, I leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on her forehead before retreating back downstairs.

  As I walked the main floor, the memories of my delusions with Cassie came back, and I found myself missing her again. I rushed to my bag and grabbed the small packet of pills that Dr. Richards had given me and took two. I then went back to the living room and stood in the middle of the room, wondering what I could do to pass the time until the Librium kicked in. It was a no-brainer.

  I sat at the bench behind the piano and raised the fallboard. The keys were so shiny and inviting as I placed my fingers on them and started to play. The soft melody carried through the room, and I got so wrapped up in the music that I almost didn't notice my visitor.

  “Charlie? What are you doing out of bed?” I inquired, watching her rub her eyes with one hand while the other hugged her stuffed animal to her chest tightly.

  “I woke up and heard the piano. I wanted to see you again,” she responded, walking over and climbing up onto the bench next to me. “Play for me?”

  “Always.” I placed my fingers in a different position and started to play her lullaby for her. Recognizing the music instantly, she smiled and giggled, looping her arm through mine to hold herself closer to me.

  “Should we head back up to bed?” I asked once the song was over.

  Charlie shook her head and looked up at me. “Not yet. Can we look at pictures?”

  “Yeah.” I replaced the fallboard as Charlie ran to the shelf we kept the albums. Her fingers traveled along the spines until she found the one she was looking for and pulled it out. She hopped up on the couch and waited for me.

  I joined her and pulled the album between us, and we went through the pictures together. As we flipped through the pages, Charlie asked questions about them. I told her about the day her mother and I got married as we leafed through picture after picture. Soon, we came to the pictures we had taken through every week of Cassie's pregnancy. Charlie was amazed at how different her mother looked from week to week as she grew inside her belly.

  Going through these pictures was something I hadn't done in quite some time. I had always seen them as a painful reminder to the happier times we would never get back. It had always seemed far too horrible to look at them when all they served to do was remind me of all that we had lost.

  It was that moment, sitting with Charlie and telling her stories about her mother, that I realized I had been going about this all wrong. In remembering those tragic final moments in our life together, I forgot the ones that built the life I had now.

  These photos were memories of our life together. We had enjoyed the time we shared. Our relationship was beautiful, and we had captured as many of those precious moments as we could.

  We loved each other. We loved the life we had created. And most importantly, we loved making the memories that I could now share with our daughter.

  Epilogue | I’ll Always Be With You

  It pained me to watch her take that walk alone. I should have been there, right by her side, as she marched down the narrow pathway to her future. He stood there, waiting for her. The smile that adorned his face reached his eyes as they sparkled and shone with the happiness I knew they shared.

  Seth Marshall was taking my baby girl's hand in marriage, and I couldn't have been happier or more proud. Over the years, Seth had proven his love for Charlie, and I knew without a doubt that he would cherish and take care of her forever; that I would never have to worry about her.

  As she entered the room, her smile mirroring Seth's as she walked toward him, my heart both swelled with pride and ached with despair. With her long blonde hair pulled off to one side, the tight curls cascading down until they reached her waist, her blue eyes shone with excitement that only seemed to multiply with each and every step she took. The diamond white gown she wore shimmered in the pale lights of the room we had acquired on such short notice.

  She looks so much like her mother.

  Looking around the small room, I was pleased to see only those closest to us here to celebrate their union. Jennifer and Alex stood side by side, watching with love and joy as Charlie passed them by. Billy and Sarah stood across the slim aisle, Billy holding up his hand in hopes Charlie would give him a high-five—being her uncle's girl, she gladly obliged. The slap of their hands rang through the room, and everyone broke out into a peal laughter. Seth's mom and dad smiled at her as she continued on her way, and my parents watched on proudly, tears of joy falling from my mother's eyes.

&nb
sp; At the tender age of twenty-three, Charlie held her Bachelor of Journalism degree. She had worked so hard to achieve the goals she had set for herself in spite of all that was going on around her. And now, she was about to pledge her love to the man before her.

  Having been together since their freshman year of high school, best friends since childhood, I knew that Charlie was destined to marry Seth. Come to think of it, I was certain they were meant to be together since they were children. After graduation, Charlie and Seth parted for school, promising to remain faithful to one another while they attended university and obtained their degrees. Now that they were both done with school, they had moved back to Frederick and were ready to start their future. Together.

  Seth and Charlie had only just become engaged a little over a month ago, and since neither one of them really wanted a big wedding—much to Jennifer's chagrin—they decided they wanted to have the wedding right away. For me.

  “What?” Charlie cried out over the phone.

  I sighed sadly, palming my face in my hand. “I'm sorry, bug.”

  “No,” she stated firmly. “No. This isn't happening. I won't let it.”

  She had been away at college for a year, and upon her leaving, I could feel myself spiraling downward. It didn't matter if I took my medication; everywhere I looked I saw her.

  Cassie.

  She never came to me like she did before. But the blonde across the street from the diner I had lunch with Sienna at looked just like her; the girl down the street, walking her dog at eight in the morning as I left the house, smiled at me, and I swore time and time again that it was Cassie.

  I didn't keep it to myself this time; I told Sienna right away. Of course, she assumed I had gone off my meds or had started sleeping less due to an increase in anxiety from Charlie leaving. Empty nest syndrome, she called it. I told her that I was diligent with my medication, not wanting another relapse in my immediate future. But being stressed because Charlie had gone away seemed plausible. It was recommended that I up the dosage of my Librium for a bit—not something I relished doing as anti-anxiety meds could be habit-forming, but if it kept me from falling further, I'd do it.