“Oh, Julian. Please be okay,” I whispered, leaning forward on the bed. I slid my fingers across the top of his hand, across the little dragonfly, and for a moment, I had the strangest urge to kiss it. But I didn’t.
“This is all your fault,” I said in my best bantering tone. “You had to show off. Now you’ll be lucky if you finish your runner. And I’ll lose a night’s sleep holding your hand.”
Nothing changed, and my face broke. I laid my head on the bedside as the sobs shook my shoulders. The sound of beeps punctuated the background, and the idea that he might never wake up pushed into my brain. I panicked at the thought.
“Oh, Julian. Please. Please wake up.” I whispered, my chest painfully tight, eyes damp. “I love you.”
My eyes closed at the words I’d never allowed myself to say. For a moment I waited, allowing them to have a place in my mind. Then I stood and paced the small room. I had to get a grip. It hadn’t even been four hours since the accident, and I was giving up. I was pouring out my heart to him like it was a deathbed confession, and he could wake up at any moment. For all I knew, he could be awake right now and playing with me. I leaned over his face and looked closely at his eyes. Wishful thinking.
I decided to walk back to the lobby and get a drink of water, because I was clearly going crazy back here alone. I texted Mom as I walked slowly, explaining what had happened in as neutral terms as possible and telling her I planned to spend the night here. I couldn’t believe how easily she agreed. I was about to text back when I was distracted by voices speaking in urgent tones in a back corner of the ICU. One was Ms. LaSalle, and for a second I stood in the shadows trying to place the other, male voice. It was so familiar…
“I came as soon as I heard. Is there anything I can do?” I peeked around the corner to see Bill Kyser! He was embracing Julian’s mom, and she was holding onto him as if they were more than friends. She rested her head on his chest.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” she breathed. “I wouldn’t have called you, but… It means a lot.”
He raised his hand and lightly touched the side of her cheek. It was so intimate, I felt like I must be dreaming. Had I fallen asleep? I had never seen Mr. Kyser so gentle with anyone.
“Try not to worry,” he said softly. “I’m sure he’ll be okay.”
“I can’t lose him, Bill. He’s all I have.”
Ms. LaSalle inhaled sharply as if she were fighting tears again, and Mr. Kyser’s arms tightened around her. He kissed her head, and his voice was tender and soothing.
“Stop now. You know that’s not true. I know you’re scared, but listen to me. Julian is going to be fine.”
As if remembering something, she stepped away from him, wiping her tears with her hands and clearing her throat, pushing her hair back and straightening her blouse.
“I was so sorry to hear about Lucy,” she said, her tone more formal. “I wanted to let you know I felt terrible about what happened.”
He nodded. “She’s doing better. And it seems to have ended things.”
“When Julian told me he was seeing her, I was afraid I’d have to call you. I didn’t know what to do. Lucy’s such a pretty girl, and she’s so sweet. So like Meg. I didn’t see a way out of it besides—”
“That’s all over now,” he said.
She nodded, and he took her hand, pulling it to his lips. She closed her eyes and looked down. They stood holding hands for a long moment, and then reluctantly it seemed, he released her.
Ms. LaSalle turned her back to him and spoke. “How are you?” she said. “I haven’t seen you in a while, but you look… good.”
Mr. Kyser’s blue eyes were as open as I’d ever seen them. It was almost heartbreaking the way he looked at her, like her voice was a cool drink of water on a burning hot day. I felt embarrassed like I was reading someone’s diary, but he cleared his throat.
“The same. Business, the kids. Lucy’s always in trouble, but the boys seem to have good heads on their shoulders. Will’s a bit ambitious, but Jack never disappoints.”
“I saw him tonight. So handsome,” she glanced at Mr. Kyser and smiled. “Like you at that age… very much the white knight.”
Those words seemed to cause him pain.
“Will he go into medicine?” she asked.
“What?” Mr. Kyser frowned. “Oh, no. Jack’s going into business with me.”
“Of course,” she nodded. “Just, seeing him here reminded me of Dr. Weaver.”
Mr. Kyser turned and his eyes landed on me standing behind the curtain. I had been trying to go back to Julian’s side, but I was frozen in place by the scene playing out in front of me. He straightened and immediately became the Mr. Kyser I knew.
“I’d better go,” he murmured and gestured ever so slightly in my direction.
“What?” Ms. LaSalle seemed stunned, and I felt terrible that I’d stayed. I didn’t know what in the world I’d stumbled upon, but I did know these two were historic loners. Yet they clearly knew each other on an intimate level. Then I came along and screwed it all up. I tried to run back to Julian.
“Anna? Is that you?” Ms. LaSalle called me out from the shadows.
“Uh, yes, ma’am. I was coming to get a drink of water. I didn’t mean to—”
“It’s all right. Mr. Kyser and I are old friends. We both went to high school together, and Bill has known Julian since he was a little boy.”
He has?
“Anna.” Mr. Kyser nodded in my direction. I smiled and nodded back.
“Right,” I said. “Well I’m just, you know, looking for the water fountain. I’m sorry.”
“Goodnight,” Mr. Kyser said. “Goodnight to you both, and Alex, please don’t worry about this. I’ll take care of it.”
Was he talking about the hospital bill?
“I can’t let you do that,” she protested.
“It’s the least I can do.” He glanced at me. “Julian took care of Lucy when… well, when she had her accident. Think of it as my way of saying thank-you.”
“It’s too much.” She took his arm and pulled him away from where I was standing. I tried to stop listening and look for the water fountain. Where was it?
“Let me take care of this, Lex,” he insisted, and I heard Ms. LaSalle protest again.
“You’d better go,” she said. “Dr. Hayes is working tonight, and if he sees us together, it might raise questions.”
“Travis Hayes? I’d like to see him try and make trouble.”
“Please, Bill.”
“I’m taking care of this.”
“Fine. I just… I don’t want it to turn into anything more.”
“When have you ever had to worry about that?” His voice was gentle, and I heard movements. I wondered if he would kiss her. I was still looking at the floor, the wall, the ceiling—anything!—when I heard Ms. LaSalle approaching me. I turned and smiled to greet her.
“I’m sorry about that, Anna. I don’t have any family left in the area, and Bill and I have known each other a long time,” she said. “He just came to check on us.”
“There’s nothing to apologize for!” I said quickly. “I’m sorry I interrupted your conversation. I really am.”
We went back to Julian’s room to wait and pray for him to come around. Julian’s mom took the recliner, and I sat in the chair beside his bed. My head was so full of all that had happened, I wasn’t sure I could be still, and the nurses would be coming in and out all night, monitoring his condition. But I must’ve fallen asleep because the next thing I knew it was morning, and I could feel a hand on the back of my head. I sat up and it dropped to the mattress. Julian’s eyes slowly opened.
I almost burst into tears. “Julian!”
“Heeey, gorgeous,” his voice was weak. “I was wondering what I had to do to get you to spend the night with me.”
“Oh, Julian!” I pulled up his hand and kissed it. Then I held it to my cheek. “I’m so glad you’re awake. I was so afraid…”
“Shh, I
’m fine. You think I’d leave here without my angel?”
“Let me get your mom. She’ll be so happy you’re awake.”
“Hey, wait a sec.” His hand tightened around mine.
“What? What is it? Does something hurt?”
“I just wanted to thank you for staying. I didn’t act right, and I’m sorry. You know I love you, Anna.”
I blinked away from his eyes, unable to answer that. I wasn’t ready to hear it from him, and I wasn’t even sure if he meant it or if it was just the drugs in his system. I decided to treat it as our usual banter.
“Funny way of showing it,” I said, pushing his hand gently. “But you didn’t do anything. I’m the one sorry. I was being a jerk. It’s none of my business what you do with Renee.”
“That’s not what I meant—”
“Let me get your mom,” I cut him off as I backed out of the room. “It’s not right to leave her waiting. She’s been crying and praying all night.”
He leaned back and pressed his lips into a smile, letting me go for now.
Chapter 17
Brad was released from the hospital several days before Julian with a clean bill of health. The student body was relieved. Vigils had been held all week and prayers offered for the football star’s recovery. Miraculously, he hadn’t suffered any serious injuries, and the doctors had ruled out a concussion by Day 2. He could even resume football with the next game.
Julian, on the other hand, hadn’t fared as well. In addition to the head injury, he had a fractured wrist and three cracked ribs, which delayed his return to school. I visited him at home after the first week and found him in his garage workshop throwing pieces of metal and cursing. A piece of scrap sailed past me as I entered, and I saw him wince and sit down gasping.
“Hey, what are you doing?” I cried, running to him. “Are you okay?”
“Sorry. The ribs. Feels like knives,” he breathed. “And I’m just, I can’t do anything.”
He slammed another tool on the ground and grimaced. “I can’t believe how stupid this is.”
“Well, I don’t think the doctors would approve of you throwing heavy metal objects around,” I smiled smoothing his hair. Then I stopped myself. I shoved my hand in my pocket. “Besides you almost hit me in the head, and I’m trying to be the one person I know not hospitalized.”
He smiled and looked up at me. “I was thinking I’d focus on smaller things for now,” he said. “This might be the time to make that extra piece of jewelry. You want a ring or something?”
“I thought you needed everything for your portfolio?”
He reached for me. “You can loan it to me when I go for my interview, and I’ll bring it back to you. I promise.”
“Why don’t you make me some earrings or a bracelet or something?”
“I’m making you a ring, now give me your hand.”
I smiled and held it out. He pulled me closer, and while he was examining my fingers and comparing them to different sized objects, I looked around the room at his equipment. I hadn’t actually noticed it before, but some items looked very expensive. Like the red and black control box for his welding. It had Lincoln stamped on it.
“So do you borrow this equipment from school or what?”
“Huh?” He had stopped measuring and was now simply holding my hand in both of his. “No way. You kidding? They don’t let me take anything from school. Too expensive.”
“So where did you get all this? I can’t believe you bought it all yourself.”
“You calling me a thief?” He grinned.
“Well, you did make off with Boze’s tattoo gun.” I slipped my hand away and walked over to one of the machines.
“Christmas presents, birthdays. I don’t know. Mom has a stash somewhere or she’s really good at saving. I just say thank you and try to take care of it.” He stood and walked over to his table. “Now tell me what you like. Shells? Butterflies?”
“I like everything you make,” I said. “Surprise me.”
“Good,” he smiled. “I was hoping you’d say that.”
“So, other than the ribs, how are you feeling?”
“Frustrated. I could’ve really messed things up that night. I wasn’t thinking straight.”
“Don’t beat yourself up about it. I mean, you’ve already been hospitalized, and we were all out there blowing off steam. Just… you know, learn from it and move on.” I was quiet a moment, thinking back to the accident, what I’d seen. “So did Brad hit something?”
“I think he overcorrected. It happened so fast. I don’t really remember.”
I remembered. I couldn’t forget the terrible sound of metal scraping asphalt and the horrible loud banging of the car going end over end. It made me shudder and feel ill every time I thought about it.
“You don’t remember anything?” I said.
“No, and I’m glad because Brad’s had trouble sleeping ever since. Post-traumatic stress or something. He called to say he was sorry, but c’mon. It would’ve been me driving if it wasn’t him. I’m not holding a grudge.”
I ran my finger down the side of a metal fender. “Rachel said he felt really bad about the whole thing. How he got off without a scratch, and you were pretty beat up.”
“Nothing I won’t recover from,” Julian frowned. “And that’s what’s pissing me off. I could’ve died.”
“Stop it,” I said shaking my head. “I was there, and I don’t want to think about that ever again. You scared me to death.”
He moved toward me this time and wrapped his good arm around my shoulders, pulling me into an awkward hug, protecting his injured ribs.
“Hey, I’m fine, no worries.” He said softly. Then he caught my eyes with his. “So why’d you stay? I mean, Mom was there, and you knew I was going to be okay. You didn’t have to spend the night at the hospital.”
I stepped carefully out of his embrace. “I think you are brain damaged. We did not know you were okay, and your poor mom was a wreck. Somebody had to stay with her.”
Now that I thought about it, somebody had tried to stay with her and maybe would have if I’d gone home. But my answer wasn’t entirely true. I’d stayed because I couldn’t leave him. Nothing could have pulled me from his bedside until his eyes opened and I heard his voice, saw that smile again.
“Blaming my mom. You know I came around way before morning.” He slid a curl around his finger. “You’re very pretty when you sleep.”
I turned away and picked up a welder’s lens that was sitting on the table. Again, I didn’t know how to respond. One little part of me was flying, but the rest of me was still conflicted.
“I was thinking about your mom,” I said instead. “Does she ever date anybody?”
“Nah. She said she doesn’t have time to train another man.”
I laughed, but I wondered if Julian knew about his mom and Mr. Kyser’s mysterious connection.
“So like when you go to college, she’ll be here by herself?”
“What are you, her new accomplice? She doesn’t need your help reminding me of that.”
“Be serious. What’s the deal? Your mom’s so pretty.”
“I don’t know, Anna. She doesn’t date, and as far as I know, she never has. After my dad, I mean.”
“Yeah, and so what about that? Do you know your dad? Does he live around here? Maybe she’s still in love with him.”
He shook his head. “She won’t talk about it, and I’ve always felt bad trying to make her. It’s not a good memory for her. And anyway, I don’t care who he is. What difference would it make? He obviously doesn’t give a shit about me.”
I hadn’t expected his tone to become sharp, and now I felt bad for prying into his personal business. He was recovering from a serious accident, and I was adding to his stress.
“I’m sorry. It’s totally none of my business. I didn’t mean to make you mad or bring up a bad subject.”
“It’s okay,” he shrugged. “I don’t really waste a lot of time w
orrying about the guy, I guess.”
My eyes traveled around the room, and I saw the soldering iron on the table. A few silver nuggets were near it and some sketches. I walked over and looked at them.
“Is this for the ring you keep telling me about?”
He joined me at the table. “Yours? You bet.”
“Show me what you’ve done.”
“I’m just planning, but look at this.” He picked up the pencil and made a few quick lines and shadings on one of the sketches. On the sheet were three possibilities, and I loved them all.
“Is it a dragonfly?” I asked.
“What better for my angel? And isn’t there some lore about dragonflies being angels or something?”
“Oh, Julian. You’re always saying that, and it’s not true.”
He glanced at me, my face close to his shoulder, and dropped the pencil, catching my chin. “Come here,” he whispered. Then he pulled my face to his and kissed me firmly on the mouth.
My hands went to his shoulders, frozen between pushing him back and pulling him closer. I inhaled his beachy scent, tasted the salt on his tongue. I’d wanted this for two days, since the wreck, since the idea of losing him first flashed its horrible image across my brain. I’d wanted it since before then, so many times, but I’d always thrown up reasons to distance us. Now I only wanted him closer, I wanted to hold onto him…
But I couldn’t. Not yet. Shaking my head, I broke the moment.
“No?” His voice was soft. Pushing him away tore at my insides. He touched my cheek, and our eyes met. “You’re still saying no?”
I was nearly overwhelmed by my desire to kiss him again, but I had to face the truth. Jack still lurked in the background of my heart. Some nights I still dreamed of being in Jack’s arms, of his lips against mine and running my fingers through his hair. When I awoke, as much as I hated it, as much as it hurt, I wished I could go back to sleep and dream it all again. I couldn’t pull Julian into that. He deserved better.
I looked down, and he smiled. “Okay. I was just checking. Again.”
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