by Mark McCoy
In family psychology books, it’s customary to define four different relationship axes: father-son, father-daughter, mother-son, mother-daughter. Each axis has its challenges. Before hitting the psychology books, I suggest you read a good book about pregnancy and childbirth. There are plenty to choose from. You don’t need to be an expert, but it will equip you with understanding. There is nothing like awareness and knowledge, in general, and especially when it comes to your first child.
Some babies can’t fall asleep until you take them out for a drive. The monotonous movement of the car helps them fall asleep. Take advantage of this. Go out with your baby, put them in their car seat, get some fresh air. Stop for a cigarette, look at the sky, take a deep breath and remember that there are thousands of couples who would pay a lot of money to trade places with you.
This is just a sampling of my main advice: Be with your kids. Right away. From the moment they are born. You won’t regret it. Touch them. Change their diapers. Bathe them. These activities aren’t just for your wife. Take your kids with you. Go for a brisk walk with the stroller. Turn a problem into an opportunity. Children are the longest lasting experience you will ever have in your life. Don’t miss out. Your children will be in your image and likeness. They will sense the situation at home much more than you imagine. If your home is filled with joy, love and security, that’s how they will go out into the world. The relationship you have with your spouse is the inheritance you leave to them. And what they see is what they internalize. Not what you explain to them. If they see that you respect their mother, they will respect her and their own spouse. You can try to pass on to them your values and beliefs, but all in all, take them as they are. Don’t try to change them. You don’t have a choice. And anyway, who knows if you’re right.
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Every child has his or her own unique character. You’ll see. Let them develop according to their own personality. Don’t try to force an egalitarian system and, as a result, erase their private selves. It’s true you need to protect them, but you also need to give them space. Let them try, let them fail, let them be burned. That’s the only way they’ll learn.
Let them be exposed to different areas, for example sports, but don’t pressure them. Give them freedom of choice. Don’t prove to them that you are a champion because then they won’t want to do anything. They won’t have a reason to try and be good. Don’t give them a reason to give up, because anyway, they don’t want to disappoint or be disappointed.
I won’t overwhelm you with stories, just one small one. I took my eldest son to a ski resort. When we came home, I thought to myself proudly how important it was to teach him how to ski. When my wife asked him how it was, he said, “The best part was when I sat with Dad at a coffee shop and we drank hot chocolate and talked about girls.” I think I educated him right.
Remember that you’re critical of your children because they are you, and you see in them what you dislike about yourself, or what you’d like to be and aren’t. When you don’t understand their messy room or ridiculous clothes or the awful music they’re listening to or their strange hairstyle, try to remember what you thought about your parents when they didn’t understand your taste. You thought that they didn’t understand anything. It’s more important that they talk to you and communicate instead of just doing what you think is right. If they tell you something awful, don’t go overboard in your response. Tell them your opinion but don’t punish them. Explain to them that the most important thing is that they talk to you, that they don’t lie, and that as their father, you will always offer your best advice. Show boundaries. Kids want boundaries. If they don’t have boundaries, they go nuts. Don’t lecture them about eighty rules you want them to follow. Always talk about one thing.
Here’s a small piece of advice: Sunday supper, everyone at the table says something that they liked this week about everyone else at the table, and something that they didn’t like. Everyone says something about everyone else. Remember that they see everything about you. Make it legitimate for them to give you criticism. Never ever humiliate them next to their friends. If something doesn’t seem right to you, call your child quietly to one side, or talk to them after their friend has left. I think you should aim for them to say: My dad is cool. My dad takes care of me. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have demands, it just means that you’ll also be able to be their friend.
The most important thing – shower them with unconditional love. That’s your real legacy.
Codename Tehran
There are some things you never forget Even when you get older
February 2007. I had finished working as an agent years earlier. Steve came by my house. Not everyone has the privilege, but Steve can come any time he wants. Come on, he said quietly. We need your help. Straight and to the point.
The only help anyone needs from an old horse like me is in tests of sustainability. The teams present their plans and I’m supposed to find the holes. Confirm if the risk is reasonable, reject it if it isn’t. It’s not just percentages and probability. I have always explained right from the beginning that if you throw a baby from one hand to another at a distance of three meters, there’s a ninety-nine percent chance that everything will be fine, but the one percent chance of failure can lead to intolerable results.
That same evening, I reported to the office. Our senior agent had been in constant contact with two Iranian generals for more than a year. The hour of truth – the final decision regarding desertion or detachment – had arrived. We had two different sources. Each one had a different thesis. One of them claimed that there were differences of opinion among the generals, even a crisis. Their wives, who had been in close contact, were not speaking. It looked like a black cat had crossed their path, in addition to the affair one of the generals had with a real estate agent.
All night long, we heard summaries from the best people in all areas. Finally, we narrowed down the problem to a single issue: Should we wait or should we activate the plan with only one of them? The benefit: a bird in hand is worth two in the bush. The drawback: the other was likely to discover that he had been abandoned and ruin everything. It was an interesting evening. An evening that demanded imagination, concentration, vision. The decision was made at 4:20 a.m. Presentation of the plan was set for 7:00 p.m.
I stayed at a nearby hotel. I couldn’t fall asleep. The knowledge that I was protected and safe while one thousand kilometers away, a drama of life and death was about to unfold, didn’t sit well with me. I stayed awake until we were scheduled to present the plan. We decided that the operation would be launched and at the same time, preparations would be completed. In case of a change, there was a point of return. The plan was to remove the general from Tehran in the middle of the night with his family.
We needed forty-eight hours of quiet to implement the plan. Turkey was chosen as the country of transit. “How often do they – the two generals – talk to each other?” I asked. Every few hours. Dave, our director of technology, came into the picture and showed us how we could respond in the general’s voice. Unbelievable. The critical hours were the hours of the flight. In the meantime, our plane landed in Istanbul under the guise of a commercial transport plane with less than twelve people on it.
I had Edna. The generation that grew up under me presented a bold and wonderfully creative plan, and with all that, thoughtful and careful. Without egos, dramas or unnecessary risks, and with a deep understanding that this is one operation that cannot be screwed up. Moreover, it would have been possible to save a great deal of effort, but the decision was made that we wouldn’t leave any traces. And that already meant challenges that weren’t going to be simple.
I approved the operation. Steve smiled in gratitude. Newspaper headlines heralded the disappearance of an Iranian general and his family. The real estate agent also disappeared, as though she had never existed. We had courageous partners, both on the way and in the execution. It all began in a hotel in East Jerusalem. American Colony, Amer
ican Beauty.
One Good Corner
Is worth one thousand streets
Your house. We’ve reached it. Did you think you could avoid it? It’s dirty. Don’t worry. I’m not talking about the dream home that you’re going to buy one day. The mansions of millionaires don’t interest me. I’m talking about your house – the condo you bought with great effort, the second-story house with the garden that your parents helped you get. I’m talking about a few basic ideas that will lead you to a better life.
Make an effort to keep one empty corner that is just for you. A desk, dresser, plasma TV and couch. It’s your corner. With the empty beer that you drink whenever you want. With the roach of the joint no one else is going to touch.
Where do you read your book? It’s best if you have an armchair of your own, and beside it a floor lamp, end table, a few magazines and books. Archie Bunker’s chair may well have been a symbol of the chauvinist, primitive man, but every man is entitled to his own chair.
I have a place where I always keep the items I take with me when I leave the house: keys, glasses, mobile phone, wallet, cigar, etc. Everything is always there. Nothing gets lots, nothing to look for.
Your music. It’s true that today there are iPods, MP3 players, and the like, but I believe that you need a place where you listen to music. Music is the most universal communication that exists between people, and yet – in my opinion – music is heard alone. Try to have a place like this in your home, with your own sound system, maybe even with vinyl records if that’s your style.
Every night, I light candles in the living room and the bedroom. It’s fun. Simple and pleasant candles that create a relaxing atmosphere.
Alcohol. Make sure you keep a little bar in the house. Whiskey, vodka, martini, Campari, Pernod, Branca. An ice cube tray, ice cubes, lemon, tonic water, soda water, orange juice, grapefruit juice. What’s the big deal? If you have all of those, you’re set.
I like wine. I have two wine refrigerators with wonderful wines. To tell you the truth, I love wine so much that I look at the bottles as though they are pictures. Not long ago, we moved into a new house. My wife wanted the refrigerators to be in the garage, next to the washing machine and the dryer. She didn’t have a chance to move them. Those bottles are my little chicks. I want them close to me. Keep your little chicks close to you, too.
Books. If it sounds like lip service for the sake of the quality-culture balance, it’s only because I don’t want to be your education officer. But just so you know, there’s nothing like books. Books remind us of the power of imagination and of the single creative person. They show us that the world isn’t just a silly TV series and newspaper articles. Collect the good ones, arrange them on some strong shelves and read them whenever you can. The woman who can resist a well-read man has not yet been born.
We’ve already talked about your bathroom and toiletries, just make sure you keep things orderly, clean, stylish, of high quality and refined. Thick towels, a nice bathroom rug, air fresheners, large, clean mirrors, and cologne bottles. The bathroom is the only place that you and your spouse can feel exactly like superstars. A bit of attention, that’s all it takes.
Same for the toilet.
The hideaway. You owe yourself a small area that serves as a hiding place. Not a safety deposit box that can be taken out, but a hiding place. Under the floor, in the wall, a secret passage. Make something up. One day you’ll need it.
A fake wallet and keys. Like I said, you’ll realize their importance when someone breaks into your house.
Try to cook. It’s a great rush. Take a look at the previous chapter on cooking – you’ll find a list of products that you need in your pantry.
You don’t need to be a handyman, but you should have a toolbox with some basic tools. There are small things you can fix in a minute with a screwdriver. Yes, I know, you’re starting to get bored, but there’s nothing like a man who can fix the Prada sunglasses that his girlfriend bought for seven hundred euro in Rome. All you did was twist a screw, and she gave you a one-hour body massage.
Between you and me, even if you are in a relationship, don’t forget that you are a separate unit. Take care of yourself. Take care of the places that are yours. Preserve the mentality of a lone rider. One day, when you have to ride alone, you’ll find that you are already on the horse’s back.
The bedroom. You think I forgot?
Nightlife King
When it comes to the bedroom, don’t settle for less
In my opinion, the bedroom is the most important place in the house. No, not just because it’s where you fuck (most of the time). This is the room where you meet (night), fall asleep and meet again (morning). Just as you find the bed, literally, that’s how you get up in the morning of a new day. Your bedroom needs to smell good, also on a philosophical level. The smell of passion, the smell of adventure, the smell of mystery, the smell of curiosity, and it should smell genuinely good, too.
The bedroom, in my opinion, should be planned and designed so that you can spend time in it before you go to bed. You can make your bedroom a fun place so that your girlfriend won’t feel that you are bringing her there just because you are interested in having sex. First of all, make sure that there is a variety of lighting in the room so that it suits different situations. Watching a movie, solving a crossword puzzle, having a conversation, romance, making love, etc. Both dimmers and lamps on the sides of the bed, and a standing lamp. It’s not necessary but it is recommended to add a candle or two, also in case of power failure. There are millions of candles and candle holders, and a billion different smells and aromas. Personally, I like candles that smell like the ocean; they aren’t too sweet and leave the smell of vacation.
If the space is large enough, add a small table and a couple of small armchairs. That way, you’ll create a small sitting area that isn’t the bed. On a small bookcase, place books and magazines. There should be a carpet. And pillows. You can start from the floor. I would not install a plasma TV across from the bed, and definitely don’t use those ugly wall mounts. What is this – a hospital? Arrange two armchairs, tables for drinks and a screen. She sits, curled up with a blanket watching a show; you lie in bed in your underwear and a T-shirt. Everyone in their own happy place, together. I also recommend a small work area – table, chair, computer. It’s nice to be in the bedroom and to do things other than sleep and sex. Imagine that she is on the computer and you show her from behind how to find the address of the hotel in Barcelona.
All of which leaves us with the most important item in the room, the bed. For a third of your life, you’re in bed. Sleeping there, loving there, sick there, reading, resting, dreaming, waking up. There’s no way you spend more time choosing your living room couch than your bed.
Let’s start with the size: I will never understand anyone who lives in a single bed. What is this, a prison? In my opinion, there’s only one size of bed – king. People want a big house, a big car, a big fridge, a big room, and on their bed, they compromise. And don’t tell me you don’t have enough space in the room. There is. I’ll compromise on all my other recommendations in exchange for a really good king-size bed. A large bed and mattress is a sign of comfort, space and freedom, and these three elements are guarantors of closeness. It’s not by chance that the first thing people say on vacation when they see their hotel room is, “Wow! What a huge bed!” In a king size bed, there is room for everyone: books, a laptop, a child who jumps on the bed in the middle of the night (or woman who wants to suck you off comfortably).
In choosing a mattress, there is only one rule: the best. Only the best. Expensive? Let’s do the math: Let’s say the best mattress costs four hundred dollars more than the rest. A good mattress lasts for ten years. Forty dollars more a year, three dollars a month, ten cents a night. Five cents per healthy sleep for each of you. To save five cents a night, you’re going to live like you’re on a camping trip? A good mattress can make all the difference between having a bad sleep and waking up mise
rable to sleeping like a king and waking up like an angel.
Want to know which company makes the best mattresses? Go to one of the top hotels in your city, tell the concierge that your parents are celebrating their silver wedding anniversary and that you want to reserve the best suite in the hotel for them. Find out about the price and then ask to see the room. In the suite, fold up the edges of the bed sheet and take a look at the mattress manufacturer’s name. Tell the concierge you’ll think about it for a couple of days and go on your way.
Good night.
So, You’re His Girlfriend?
Read this. No one needs to know
Every man thinks he’s getting the perfect blow job. His wife, girlfriend, lover, ex, it doesn’t matter. It’s good. Lucky for that. Imagine if everyone walked around thinking that outside, there is someone who sucks dick one thousand times better than the person sucking yours. A mess. A big mess. But there’s nothing to do about it. Despite endless campaigns to persuade themselves otherwise, it’s clear that fifty percent of men haven’t yet been able to enjoy the ultimate blow job.
First of all, let’s destroy a stupid myth. Many men think that cumming in someone’s mouth is a condition for the perfect blow job. Mistake. Mistake with a capital M. Not that I’m against cumming in her mouth. But I cum in her mouth when she doesn’t feel like giving me the perfect blow job. I don’t complain because she promises that the next time it will be perfect. Every day comes with new hope.
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The beginning is standard – the mouth on the dick, it goes up, down, licking, sucking and all of that. Already in this early stage, there are those who don’t know what they are doing. The mouth is too big on the dick, the mouth isn’t tight enough, there’s no suction, no pumping. Just the mouth going up and down. Automation. Production line. Why isn’t she imagining a chocolate popsicle?