Corridor Man: Auditor

by Nick James

  I flicked the frisbee to J.D., who said, “Can Morton come back?”

  “Yeah, it looks like he had a pretty good time. I’ll bring him back. Thanks for playing with him.”

  “He was really fun,” one of the other kids said.

  Morton was asleep in the back seat two blocks later.

  Chapter Six

  “And you’re sure she’s going to pay you?” Louie asked.

  “Yeah, plus benefits,” I said raising my eyebrows.

  We’d stopped for one in the The Spot bar about two hours ago. AC/DC’s ‘It’s a Long Way to the Top (if You Wanna Rock ’n' Roll)’ was playing for the third time in a row on the jukebox and two over-served young women were dancing at the end of the bar. We ignored them, but Morton was paying attention. He was at my feet, eating from a bag of pork rinds one of the girls had bought him, watching them dance.

  “I don’t know, man, it sounds kind of screwy.”

  “Of course it’s screwy. But this guy has been living in the dark in her lower level for the last half-year working on his computers twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. All I have to do is keep the highway department away so they can’t read his mind. I think I can handle it. Plus, since Angie suddenly got all responsible and started thinking about the future instead of my immediate gratification I’ve been heading toward a bit of a dry spell. Bonnie would be a welcome relief from that circumstance.”

  Louie drained his drink, threw another twenty on the bar and slid off the stool, shaking his head. “I don’t know, man, it just doesn’t sound right. Hey, I’ll see you guys in the morning,” he said and gave Morton a rub behind the ear, then walked out the door.

  I had another beer, watched the girls dancing to the jukebox, it was still AC/DC, still the same song. The were dancing around in circles with their hands above their heads, shouting, “Whoo, hoo, hoo.” They continued to grind off each others hips and wave their hands over their heads until, finally, even I couldn’t stand it anymore.

  “Come on, Morton, let’s go home,” I said and slid off the stool. Morton hurried to the door, I think more anxious to get out of there than me. “Thanks, Jimmy.”

  “Take me with you,” he half pleaded. He was leaning on the bar, resting his chin in his hand, watching the girls dance. “I’m gonna delete that song as soon as they leave.”

  “Maybe they won’t leave, they’ll just stay here forever. You could offer drinks and dancing and…”

  “Don’t even go there.”

  * * *

  We were in the office the following morning. Morton was napping on the floor and I was scanning the apartment across the street, looking for some cheap shots, there weren’t any. Louie wandered in around half-past nine, threw a computer bag on his picnic table desk, then wandered toward the coffee pot. He grabbed his mug and dumped the remnants down the sink in the closet. “Is this from yesterday?” he asked, filling his mug.

  “No, I made it fresh this morning.”

  “Oh, wow, you’re kidding, great,” he said, took a sip, grimaced, then headed back to the picnic table. “So, you come up with a decision?”

  “You mean Bonnie? Yeah, I don’t think I can go two more days in this dry spell, so I’m going to ask her over for dinner tonight and hopefully we can consummate the deal before she goes home.”

  Louie stared at me for a moment, then shook his head and sat down. “So you’re going to do it with her?”

  “Yeah. I mean, I get it, she’s kind of screwy, but she’s basically nice and has a great body, so…”

  “I meant the deal, security or babysitting or whatever you’re supposed to do.”

  “You kidding, why wouldn’t I? I’ll occasionally walk around the exterior of the house. Maybe pull up a lawn chair out on that back deck and work on my tan for an hour or two. Have a cold one toward the end of the day, and I’ll be getting paid for it the whole time. Not to mention taking care of Bonnie’s needs. The term ‘cake walk’ have any connotation?”

  Louie just shook his head. “Something’s bound to go wrong.”

  “Yeah, I suppose the highway department could scan all the information out of Iggy’s brain. Or they could read my mind…

  “That would be an awfully short story.”

  “Very funny. I’ve got it covered. I think I’ll go over there with a couple rolls of tinfoil, make sure the lower level windows are covered. It was too dark, but I’m guessing there was a sliding door leading out to the backyard. I’ll put some foil over that if Iggy hasn’t done so already, just to get him calmed down and relaxed. Make sure the highway department doesn’t break in and try and carry him off. I’m telling you, this is gonna be one of the better gigs of the year - no, the last five years.”

  “Sure, just like the time you were going to pull security in the shower room for all the girls on that English Roller Derby team.”

  “Well, yeah, but that chick was nuts.”

  “And a guy wrapped in tinfoil isn’t?”

  Chapter Seven

  I phoned Bonnie later that morning and told her I’d like to discuss things further. “I’m wondering if you might be available for dinner tonight, I was thinking I’d cook steaks on the grill.”

  “Tonight? Yeah, I think I can do that, in fact I’ll bring dessert,” she said, then sort of gave an evil laugh.

  Bonnie arrived at seven. We’d just returned from Morton’s walk. I wanted to make sure he was well exercised and hopefully on the tired side before Bonnie and I sat down to dinner. I’d just given him a new rawhide and he’d curled up in his bed in front of the living room couch.

  She was wearing a pink tube top that barely contained her attributes. Extremely tight white shorts that extended no further than the very top of her thighs and then high heeled white boots that rose up to about six inches above her knee, therefore exposing the upper six inches of perfect skin on her thighs. She looked awfully sexy. The horn-honking and the whistle from some guy driving past as she climbed out of the car caught my attention. I watched her strut across the sidewalk, then up the steps to my front porch.

  A couple was walking past, and the guy stared to the point where he was looking over his shoulder before his wife yanked his hand and said something to him. I couldn’t hear what she said, but the body language was unmistakable. He just shrugged and they kept on going.

  I opened the door a half-second after the doorbell rang. “Hey, Bonnie, you found the place okay?”

  “Yeah, I was here once before, I think, wasn’t I?” So much for memorable occasions.

  “Gee, you look great, come on in.”

  “Oh, hey, you redid the place,” she said, stepping in.

  “Actually, no, it’s the same as when you were last here.” I didn’t add she was last here ten years ago.

  “Hmmm, could have fooled me. Whoa, and who’s this?” She asked as Morton gave his usual greeting, thrusting his nose up between her legs.

  “Oh, yeah, sorry. That’s Morton, my dog, I guess. He was playing frisbee with the kids in your front yard.” Morton’s tail was wagging back and forth and, at least for the moment, Bonnie seemed a better option than his new rawhide.

  “Oh, he’s so sweet. What did you mean, you guess he’s yours? Did you rescue him?”

  “Long story, he saved my life. The woman who had him moved to Atlanta and the guy she’s with apparently had an allergy, so I got Morton.”

  “He saved your life?”

  “Yeah, literally, I was working a case, a big dog show. Anyway, he’s a pretty good boy.” Morton was still in the greeting mode and I had to pull him away. “Come on, pal, back to your treat, go on into your bed.”

  “Oh, I really don’t mind, I think he’s cute.”

  “Not to worry, once we bring the steaks in off the grill he’ll be right there. Come on back to the kitchen,” I said and led the way.

  We were out on the deck, Bonnie was sipping a glass of wine, I had a beer going. Potatoes, red peppers and the steaks were all on the grill and we’d bee
n chatting about what exactly I was supposed to do.

  “Like I said yesterday, a big part of it is just making Iggy feel comfortable. Just in case you didn’t pick up on it, he has a tendency to obsess.”

  “A tendency? The guy is wrapped in tinfoil and…”

  “Actually it’s Mylar.”

  “…and he thinks the highway department is trying to read his mind. You said he’s a genius and he’s written all these programs for you.”

  “Yeah. To be honest, he’s really sweet. There might be a couple of things that are, umm, maybe a little unusual…”

  “There’s an understatement.”

  “Well, I think a lot of it stems from when he was working for the government. He did all sorts of things in…”

  “The government. What? Don’t tell me he was actually working on programs to read minds?”

  “No,” she said and took a sip of wine. “At least not that I know of. I do know that he was in Iraq and Afghanistan, couple other places, Syria, somewhere in Africa.”

  “What department did he work for?” This sounded kind of crazy.

  “The department, I don’t know. Something with all sorts of letters, you know, one of those acronyms, he told me once but it didn’t make any sense to me.”

  “How’d you ever find him?”

  “We met online. No,” she said in response to my look. “Not a dating site. I was on a number of different sites asking questions regarding the software I was trying to develop, and he kept giving me these great suggestions and answers. Then, when I found out he was actually living in the area, after about three dozen emails back and forth I was able to set up a meeting.”

  “He agreed to meet you? Amazing, considering he had to see my driver’s license even with you making the introduction.”

  “Well, let me tell you, I had to send him sort of a resume. He wanted to know where I’d been living the last fifteen years, places of employment, education, Facebook sites, email addresses.”

  “And you agreed to give him all that?”

  “You bet. Dev, like I told you yesterday, the guy has developed the program in easily half the time it would have taken a team to do the work, and I would have had to pay them.”

  “You’re not paying him?”

  “No. I mean he gets to live there for free, I buy the groceries, pay the bills.”

  “But still he has to have some need for funds, I don’t know maybe insurance? A car? God forbid he’d ever want to go out and see a movie.”

  “To tell you the truth, he hasn’t ventured outside since the day he moved into the lower level. He doesn’t own a car. I don’t know about insurance, I’ve never asked.”

  “So day in and day out he’s just been working on this program he’s developed?”

  “Yeah, I mean, I know it sounds crazy, and you’re exactly right. When I finally got to meet him I went to his place. It was this hell-hole, one room, little basement apartment just off of downtown. There was graffiti written all over his door, I saw a mouse running under a chair, cobwebs, drippy faucet, it was just awful and as we talked he alluded to some of the other tenants abusing him.”

  “What do you mean, abusing him?”

  “Well, I just told you about the graffiti. I guess they’d chase him if he went to the grocery store or if they caught him outside. He’d been robbed a number of times. I think assaulted more than once.”

  “Do you think he’s crazy?”

  “Yeah, a little, but then, aren’t we all? He’s a genius, he’s very gentle and he’s very kind.”

  “As long as there’s plenty of tinfoil to go around.”

  “Don’t pick on him, Dev.”

  “Okay, sorry.”

  “Anyway, when I saw how he was living and he told me some of the things that had happened to him, the assaults, the robberies, and here he was just trying to help me with the program I was trying to get off the ground, well, I brought him home that day and he moved into the lower level.”

  “You hauled all those computers in, his furniture, and stuff?”

  “We, or rather I, got some people who owed me a favor to help. It really wasn’t that much, I mean once you got past the computer stuff. I think he sleeps on the floor in a sleeping bag. He brought a couple of desk chairs, a coffee mug and one set of silverware and that was about it. Oh, yeah, and about four dozen Star Wars t-shirts.”

  “How could I forget, ‘The Force Awakens’.”

  “Exactly,” she said and drained her glass.

  “Tell you what, if you want to carry your wine glass in I’ll take everything off the grill. Hope you don’t mind, I figured we’d just eat at the kitchen counter.”

  “As long as I’m not cooking and three kids aren’t turning their noises up at whatever I just made, it’s wonderful.”

  “Come on, I’ll refill your glass.”

  Chapter Eight

  The steaks were done to perfection, if I do say so myself. We had an enjoyable meal and chatted about everything and nothing. Bonnie gave me some general information about her ex. Turns out the guy more or less abandoned her and the kids and she filed a restraining order against him about three years ago. “The only time he ever gets in contact with me is when he wants something, usually money, by the way.”

  “What does he think about Iggy?”

  “As far as I know he’s unaware Iggy’s even there. I guess that’s another reason I wanted you there, if Wayne ever showed up it would be just like him to create a scene. I know we all make mistakes, but for the life of me I can’t remember what I ever saw in him.”

  “Didn’t you tell me you met him at your sister’s wedding?”

  “Yeah. He was actually doing the girl I had the disagreement with, and…”

  “Disagreement? It was more like you two bridesmaids had a fist fight. If you’ll recall I had to pull you off of her, you gave her a bloody nose.”

  “Well, no doubt she had it coming, and as far as having to pull me off of her, I thought you were just copping a feel and I figured, hmmm, this could be interesting.”

  “Probably not too far from the truth.”

  “So the next day, remember, you gave me a ride back to the bar so I could get my purse.”

  “Yeah, and you ran into some friend who said he’d give you a ride home.”

  “Yeah, only he wasn’t really a friend, that was Wayne, and I really didn’t know him, well, anyway, not till later that night. Our first time together. Turned out two cheeseburgers and a bunch of shots later, I’m pregnant.”

  “Really, first time?”

  “Yeah, well, with him. Dopey me, I figured getting pregnant was a sign from heaven that we were meant for each other. We got married a couple of months before J.D. was born.”

  “And that’s how he got the name, Jack Daniels? Because it was the wedding theme?”

  “Yeah, well, that and the fact we were doing shots. Of course one thing led to another and Wayne had this big back seat and, well, anyway. Then, just about the time I was thinking of leaving him, first Stella appeared on the scene and then little Buddy. After Buddy, even I learned my lesson and, although it hasn’t been easy, things have definitely been on an upward swing once I got old Wayne out of my hair,” she said. She tilted her right hand at about a forty-five degree angle to indicate the upward swing.

  “And now you’re about to launch this new program.”

  “Yeah, and I’ll be the first to admit it would not be done, and in fact might never have been accomplished, if Iggy and I hadn’t met. So, back to your point, is he crazy? I suppose yeah, in a variety of different ways. He’s definitely got some quirky little habits. But, at the end of the day I’d be nowhere near where I am if it weren’t for Iggy, and I’ll always want to make sure he’s safe and happy.”

  “You really think this program is going to do what you hope?”

  “Absolutely. It’s just a matter of getting it in front of people so they can see for themselves, and then we can sit back and watch who makes the be
st offer.”

  “You ready for some dessert?” I had some Snickers ice cream bars in the freezer.

  “I told you, I’d take care of that.”

  “Oh, sorry, I didn’t notice you bringing anything in.”

  She smiled, hopped off the kitchen stool, then sort of ran her hands from her shoulders down to her waist and stood there with her arms out stretched. “Help yourself.”

  I figured the dishes could wait.

  * * *

  She woke me with a kiss, already dressed. “No, you don’t have to get up, stay in bed. I have to go, my sitter has to be home by one. I’ll let myself out.”

  I rolled out of bed, got a nice long kiss and a passionate grab.

  “Oh, God, now I want to stay,” she said. “But I have to go. Stop by tomorrow and I’ll show you around, the kids are on their way to the lake around one, so anytime after that works.”

  I pulled on a t-shirt and followed her downstairs. “Thanks for a memorable evening,” she said at the door, then gave me a quick kiss and was gone.

  Morton was asleep in his bed. I stared for a moment at the remnants of a white silk thong, Bonnie’s, that Morton had apparently chewed up and left on the floor next to his bed. I really couldn’t blame him.

  I went into the kitchen, cleaned up the dishes, put away the leftovers and then headed back upstairs to bed.

  Chapter Nine

  I drove over to Bonnie’s a little after four. I figured by the time we covered whatever she wanted to talk about it would be close to five, and maybe I could scam a dinner from her. I brought a bottle of wine just to increase my chances. Morton was pacing in the back seat looking for his Frisbee pals as we pulled into the driveway. We climbed out and rang the doorbell. There seemed to be an additional sense of calm about the place with the kids gone.