“I do know how to cook,” Louisa said. “Do you think Lizzie would consider me?”
I bristled at the thought of Louisa in the kitchen of our house. She shouldn’t be our staff. We’d all gone to school together. She was one of us. I plucked a tall piece of yellow grass from the embankment. When I looked up, Cymbeline caught my gaze.
“Louisa can’t work in our kitchen,” Cymbeline said. “She’s our friend.”
Addie looked up from her book. “So is Lizzie.”
“That’s different,” Cymbeline said. “She’s always worked for us. It’s a well-established relationship, born from years of British tradition.”
Fiona laughed and poked Cymbeline with her big toe. “You sound very smart all of a sudden.”
“Am I wrong?” Cymbeline looked at each of us in turn.
“What would you like to do?” I asked Louisa. “If you could pick any kind of work.”
“I’d have liked to continue assisting Father at the church.” Her voice wavered. She placed a hand over her mouth as if to stuff the words back inside her.
“Oh, Louisa, we’re so very sorry.” Fiona draped an arm around Louisa’s shoulders for a quick squeeze.
“Why can’t you simply live with us forever and ever?” Delphia’s dark lashes fluttered as she blinked her round eyes.
“Because we can’t accept your charity forever,” Louisa said. “As kind as it is, we have to learn to survive on our own.”
“Well, we won’t find a solution today,” Fiona said. “Which means we should simply enjoy the afternoon. Who wants another swim?”
“Me, me,” Delphia said, before racing into the water.
Cymbeline and Fiona splashed in after her. Addie didn’t look up from her book.
I turned to Louisa. “What about you? Are you going in again?”
“No, I’m going to stay right here.” She lay back against the log and closed her eyes as if gathering strength from the sun that hovered low in the western sky.
I swatted away a gnat, content for now to watch the girls playing in the water. As Fiona had said, Louisa’s troubles couldn’t be solved today. Perhaps tomorrow an opportunity would arise. For now, we would be her friends and support her however we could.
8
Louisa
* * *
That evening after dinner, I strolled restlessly around the gardens of the Barnes estate. The temperature had cooled considerably from the hot summer afternoon we’d spent at the creek but was warm enough I didn’t need a wrap of any kind. The air smelled of roses in the aftermath of the setting sun. From somewhere in the yard, dueling crickets chirped.
We’d been invited to dine with the Barnes family for supper. Mother had declined. Making polite conversation would be too hard, she’d confessed to me. I’d not wanted to leave her alone. However, she was having none of it and insisted I go. She hadn’t said but I’d felt sure she wanted to curl up under the covers and have herself a good cry. Seeing her suffer in her grief made me want to claw at something. All through dinner I’d worried.
However, when I’d stopped in at the cottage after the meal, Mother was asleep. Too restless to stay indoors, I’d wandered outside. Now I came upon the fenced vegetable garden. I didn’t dare go too far tonight for fear of getting lost in the dark. A crackle caused me to turn. Theo, carrying a bucket, strode toward the barn.
I stepped out of the shadows, hoping I wouldn’t scare him.
He stopped abruptly and put one hand over his heart. “Louisa, you startled me.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
“What’re you doing out here?” Theo asked.
“I wasn’t ready for sleep and needed some fresh air. Mother’s in bed already.”
He nodded before gesturing toward the barn. “Lizzie sent me out with some scraps for the pigs. Would you like to join me?”
“I guess so.”
He chuckled at the hesitancy in my voice. “Our sow has some babies. They’re pretty cute.”
“I would like to see piglets.”
“Come on then. Follow me.” He headed down the driveway toward the barn. It was still light enough to see, but he was more of a silhouette as I walked behind him.
At the barn, he opened the side door and stepped inside. I hesitated before following him. Mother might not think it appropriate for me to accompany a man into a place alone. I’d never want to displease her or make her ashamed. I loved Mother but was also grateful to her. I always wanted to be as good as I could be as a way to pay back the debt I owed her and Father. When I’d first come to live with the Linds, I’d gotten up first thing in the morning to begin cooking and cleaning, as I’d done for Pa. Although they finally broke me of that habit, the sense of earning my keep had never left.
Tonight, however, I would do as I pleased. I wanted to see the babies. Anyway, Theo Barnes was the most trustworthy of men. He would never harm me. A revelation, that. I could trust him. Which made me feel safe. I stepped in behind him.
The barn had an electric light that hung from the rafters. Theo switched it on and headed toward the back. It smelled mostly of hay with a tinge of horse manure. The floors had been swept clean in the space between the horse stalls and the wire chicken coop. A door led to the outside where they must go in and out during the day. Hens sat on their nests, looking bored. A rooster strutted about, as if he had to protect his girls from harm. A ladder led to a hayloft above the chickens stuffed with bales of hay.
“Are all barns this tidy?” I asked.
“I don’t know. You’d have to ask Cymbeline or Poppy. Ours is always like this.”
We reached the pig’s stall, which unlike where the horses were kept, had a short wall on one side. The sow lay on her side as small pink piglets nursed. I counted nine babies all together. One was considerably smaller than the others.
“Is that the runt?” I asked, pointing to the littlest one.
“Yes. Cymbeline said he almost didn’t make it. She and Fiona sat out here all night to make sure he didn’t get harmed by the others.” Theo shook the contents of the bucket into a feeding bin that reminded me of a baby cradle.
“Did you miss this while you were away?” I asked.
“More than I thought I would.” He set the bucket next to his feet. He’d changed from his evening summer suit into blue jeans and a short-sleeved shirt and boots. Frankly, the rustic look suited him. Even I couldn’t deny how handsome he was. During our time at the creek today, I’d detected the muscles under his thin shirt. I’d shocked myself by feeling a dart of yearning. What would his skin feel like under my hands?
“Didn’t you think you’d be homesick?” I asked. “I was when I went away.”
“Yes, I suppose so. It’s hard to explain.” He gazed over at the piglets. “When I left, Flynn and I were at odds. We’d always been close, but leaving felt like freedom from him, which I needed.”
I couldn’t imagine the Barnes twins at odds. It hadn’t been over me? No, of course not. Don’t be a ninny. Men as close as Flynn and Theo wouldn’t have fought over a girl like me. “What was it that drew you apart?”
“A few things. The war, for one. I’d joined because he did, and when we returned, I had some problems adjusting back to normal life.”
I remembered him at church the Sunday after they’d returned. The faraway look in Theo’s eyes had reminded me of my own when I’d first come to the Linds’. I’d detected the aftermath of trauma. Uncertainty about whether you would live or die made a person like that. In contrast, Flynn had seemed sure of himself. The conquering hero. Unaffected by the terrors of war.
“Were you resentful of Flynn because of it?” I asked.
“Way down deep.” He scratched behind his ear. “Josephine’s anger was more on the surface. They fought, which was not something I could ever remember happening in the past. In addition to all that, Flynn wanted to open a ski resort like the ones we’d seen in Europe. Once we got into the planning, I realized it was his dream, not mine.
I had always been the quiet, less dominant twin. My wishes were often pushed aside. Sometimes I couldn’t distinguish my own desires over his. Flynn was always brave and impulsive and passionate about life. I lived more of my life inside the pages of a book.”
“I know what that’s like.”
He raised both eyebrows. “Yes?”
“I mean, not the twin part, obviously. But fading into the background. Putting everyone else first.” I looked down at my hands. “When I first came to the Linds’, I felt as if I needed to earn my keep. I wanted to make sure there was no reason why they would send me away. I never wanted them to be sorry for their decision to adopt me.”
He leaned his back against the wall next to the pen. “Is that why you don’t want to stay here? You don’t want to feel like you owe us?”
“I suppose that’s part of it.” I sighed and walked over to one of the horses to pet her nose.
“This is Lucy,” Theo said as he joined me. “Isn’t she pretty?”
“Yes, she is.”
“What’s the other reason you don’t want to stay with us?” Theo asked.
“I’ve completely lost my bearings. I was the pastor’s daughter. Now who am I? Where do I belong?” I paused to catch my breath. “I look at your sisters and all of them, even little Delphia, are so full of life and vigor. They’re forces in the world. I’m only a shadow, waiting for direction.”
“I don’t see you that way,” Theo said softly.
“How could you not?” What did he see when he looked at me? A frightened little mouse? Did he laugh at himself that he’d ever considered himself in love with me?
“I see a beautiful, clever, interesting young woman. A person I admire greatly.”
“Admire? Why?”
His mouth lifted in a half smile. “Louisa, you survived when most would have given up.”
“That doesn’t make me special. Most people adapt to whatever circumstance they find themselves in. Especially children. I wanted to live. I wanted to grow up. So I did whatever it was I had to do.” I shuddered, remembering Pa’s drunken face leering at me over my bed on the floor near the stove.
Come with me. He’d yanked me off of the floor and hauled me outside.
I blinked away the memory. Not right now. Not in front of Theo. I tucked the thought away.
“Mama always talks about how brave you were to defy your father’s wishes to attend school.”
“I wanted to go to school more than anything in the world. I knew deep down that learning would be the only way I would ever escape that life.” I crossed my arms over my chest and peered at the tips of my shoes. “I was terribly ashamed that first day. I was the only one in rags and probably smelled bad. I wanted to turn around and run home.”
“What stopped you?”
“Miss Cooper. She looked right at me as if she could really see me. I’d been accustomed to being invisible. That’s how it is when you’re poor, you know. No one sees you. Or, if they do, they pretend not to.” Tears pricked the corners of my eyes.
“She did the same for me,” Theo said.
“Until the war?”
He grimaced. “That’s correct.”
“And now? Are you better?” I asked.
His expression turned thoughtful. I waited for him to answer without interrupting. Theo Barnes was a man who took his time with words. “I found a sense of purpose at university.” He knelt to pick up a piece of hay from the rough boards of the barn. “But still, this darkness overcomes me sometimes. It’s like a black cloud that brings the worst moments of my past to the front of my mind. I can’t escape.”
I wanted to reach out to him but kept my hands at my sides. “It’s the same for me. I’ll be going along fine as can be and suddenly a memory feels as if it will bring me to my knees.”
“I wonder if it ever changes.” Theo scratched the back of his neck.
“What is it you remember that haunts you so? Besides the war?”
Again, he took a while to answer. “My mother. I was the one who found her that morning. I was only six years old. I thought she was asleep in the snow. I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to hear about all of this.”
“Considering what I went through at the hands of my real father, nothing you say will shock me.”
“I wish that weren’t the case. I wish you were innocent, with nothing troubling you like it is for my younger sisters.”
“If that were so, do you think I would be like your sisters? Free? Happy?”
“I do, yes. Or if you were the type who could forget all the bad moments, like Flynn. He remembers nothing about our mother. Jo and I remember everything.”
“I know what it’s like to remember too much,” I said.
“Flynn refuses to speak about the war or anything painful from our past. I’ve no idea what goes on inside him.”
“I’d have thought twins knew each other’s thoughts,” I said.
“Not always. Especially when you’re as different as Flynn and me.”
“Yes.” They were different, yet the same. All the Barneses shared a special quality. One I thought of as the Barnes syndrome. Kindness mixed with good cheer and an empathy for others less fortunate.
“May I ask you something personal?” Theo asked.
“You may ask. I may or may not answer.”
He chuckled, reminding me of the thumping sound of a woodpecker. “Fair enough. What was it about Flynn that you liked so much?”
I stepped backward, surprised at the boldness of his questions. Could I answer in a way that matched his honest query? Doing so seemed intimate, as if I were peeling back a layer of my skin to expose all the messy parts inside me.
“You don’t have to answer,” Theo said.
I looked up at him, meeting his eyes. They appeared almost black in the dim light. He was an exceedingly attractive man with his even features and generous mouth. Why hadn’t I noticed him when we were younger? Why indeed had it always been Flynn I thought I loved?
“It was nothing but a schoolgirl crush,” I said. “But I think it’s the quality you spoke of just now. His cheery, adventurous, and cavalier attitude is infectious. It’s as if nothing in the world could dissuade him from his insistence that life is a game. One to be enjoyed, no matter evidence to the contrary.” I flushed, embarrassed by my lengthy answer to his question.
“Life isn’t a game,” Theo said.
A game. I drifted back in time. Run, mouse, run. An image of Pa with his greasy hair and brown teeth floated before me. He’d always smelled of oil and cheap whiskey. Whenever he was in close, I held my body as tightly as I could. Pa had loved the game in winter especially because the snow hurt my feet. I’d never had shoes without holes. In the summers, I’d had no shoes at all. My feet still bore the thick calluses from those days. As much as I scrubbed, they remained, reminders of the cruelty from which I’d escaped.
Don’t think of him. He doesn’t deserve your thoughts, I told myself.
“Louisa, what is it?”
“One of those dark moments has caught me,” I said. “Remembering too much.” Before I could stop them, tears filled my eyes. A sob escaped from deep inside my chest.
Theo stepped closer. “Louisa, I’m sorry.” He pulled me into his arms. I gave him my weight as I rested my cheek against his hard chest. He smelled of shaving soap and the outdoors. “I’d take it all away—take it upon myself if I could.”
“No one can do that.” The strength in his body wrapped me in warmth. I lifted my face to look at him, and then his mouth lowered to mine and he kissed me.
I stiffened for a moment, shocked by the softness of his lips. Then the pleasure of his mouth on mine and the slight taste of wine on his breath made me almost dizzy. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back. Even though I knew nothing of kissing, my mouth moved against his as naturally as if I’d done it my whole life. I gave him my mouth and the weight of my body and the grief from the last few days. Nothing was kept inside or pushed down int
o my dark well of sadness that had no end. He returned it all, too. I could feel the parts of him he kept hidden—all the pain and turmoil of his sensitive soul. Was this what it meant to know a man?
Finally, he pulled away. We were both slightly breathless.
I brought my hand to my mouth, which felt bruised in the most satisfying of ways. “Theo?” I whispered. “What was that?”
“A kiss.” He stepped backward. The back of Lucy’s stall stopped him. She whinnied, almost as if she approved of our antics.
“I’ve never kissed anyone before.” I don’t know why I felt the need to explain that fact. He probably knew how sheltered I’d been during my time with the Linds. Suddenly, I wanted to know if he’d ever held another woman as he’d just held me. “Have you?”
He nodded with just a quick dip of his chin. “There was a woman when I was at university. I had feelings for her. But it wasn’t meant to be.”
“Why?” A tightness hardened my stomach. Was I jealous? Yes, I thought. I was jealous of Theo’s feelings for someone else. What right did I have? I’d rejected him, after all.
“She fell in love with a classmate of mine. They’re married now.”
I wanted to sing with delight in equal measure to the sympathy I felt for him. “Did it hurt?”
“No, not really. I was used to being the twin not chosen. It was much the same. She chose my best pal instead of me.”
“Oh, Theo, that must have been awful for you.”
“Not like the other time,” he said.
“Other time?”
“The time I realized it was Flynn you wished to write instead of me.”
I swallowed, unable to think of how to reply.
“It wasn’t your fault that you liked the more confident of the two of us. Most people do.”
“That was years ago now. Things have changed, as they always do,” I said.
“I always cared for you,” Theo said lightly. “You’re the first girl I ever noticed or wanted to kiss. From the very first day of school.”
The Scholar Page 9