“I was dirty and ragged.”
He tapped his chest. “Not in here. Mama wasn’t the only one who saw you. Inside, you glowed with the light of a thousand stars. You still do.”
“I do?”
“Maybe a million stars.”
I laughed, which came out more like a hiccup. His compliments were certainly lighting me up at the moment. “I don’t feel like that most of the time. Mostly, I feel apologetic.”
“For what?”
“Existing. Surviving.”
“You shouldn’t. In fact, you should realize you were a gift to the Linds. To us, too. To our whole town.”
“But I’ve never done anything important. I don’t have a purpose like you do. How could I be a gift to anyone?”
“You don’t see it yet, but it’s there,” Theo said with more conviction than he should have, given the evidence before him.
“Father sent me to finishing school hoping I would meet other young ladies who might introduce me to the type of man he wanted me to marry. I couldn’t even do that right.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I was too shy to make friends with the other girls. All I wanted was to be back here with the people I knew for most of my life. I’m simple. Too simple for any of those people. I might know which fork to use, but I’m always going to be the same ragged, invisible girl I always was.”
“No, you were never that. Not then, not now.”
For a moment, I believed him. I was here with a man who cared for me. A man who’d wanted to kiss me and had.
Then the darkness came. A memory of the house where Pa had taken me that day. Come with me. It’s time for you to earn your keep.
I refused to give in to it, though. I stayed right there with Theo Barnes. Pa couldn’t drag me back there. Not this time.
9
Theo
* * *
My head seemed in a fog as I gazed down at Louisa. How had I lived my whole life without experiencing the glory of her kiss? I must get back to my room and think it all through. What was I supposed to do now? Did the kiss mean anything? Would she regret it? The manners Papa and Mama had taught me came to the rescue. I should get her home and out of this barn where it was improper for us to be alone after dark.
“It’s late. May I walk you back to the cottage?” I asked.
“Yes, that would nice.” She swayed slightly before reaching out for me. “Theo, I’m quite dizzy.”
“You’re tired?”
“Perhaps. Or maybe your kisses poisoned me.” She smiled.
My stomach fluttered at the beauty of her smile. “I hope they’re not poison.” I watched her carefully for clues. Did she regret the kiss, or was she asking for another?
“We might try again to see,” she said, without meeting my gaze.
“I’d like to.” I stepped closer and put one arm around her waist and drew her to me. Even with her dress and underdress, I could feel her curves.
She lifted her face, and I captured her mouth with mine. Goodness, I thought. I might not be able to ever stop. With great difficulty, I drew away to look at her. “We should get you back to the cottage.”
“Yes,” she said, throatily. “It’s getting late.”
I didn’t want to let her go. Would I ever get her back to the same state, or had she opened herself to me because of her grief? What would Papa or Flynn do? They’d seize the opportunity and ask for the pleasure of her company at another time. “Would you like to go for a drive tomorrow evening after I’m home from work?”
“In the shiny car?”
“Yes. It feels nice to let the breeze tousle your hair. We could drive over to the river. Lizzie could put together a picnic dinner for us.” I held my breath, expecting she would decline my offer but yet hopeful, too.
She smiled as she touched her fingertips to the collar of my shirt. “I’d like that. If it’s not too much trouble for Lizzie.”
“She’ll be pleased to do it for us.” I didn’t elaborate further. Louisa didn’t need to know how the entire household, including Lizzie, would be delighted to hear of our dinner date. They all knew how I’d pined for Louisa back in the day. Would they be surprised? I’d done nothing but say how uninterested I was in Louisa since I returned home. Tonight, however, a spark had been relit inside me. This time, I might have a chance. Please, God, let it be so.
We headed back toward the cottage. Darkness had come while we were in the barn. A cricket chirped from somewhere in the yard, accompanying the soft rustling of the aspens. At this time of night, the roses and grass still scented the air, but there was also a hint of the specific smell of the earth cooling from the sun that had beat down upon it all day. I couldn’t describe the smell, but I’d know it anywhere. The smell of home in the summertime.
Louisa tucked her hand under my arm. “I’m unsteady in the dark.”
I smiled to myself. Unsteady, or did she want an excuse to take my arm? Either way, I welcomed her touch.
“Will your mother approve of me taking you out in the car?” I asked.
“Yes, I believe she’ll be pleased.” We walked a few more steps in silence. “Do you think everyone will get carried away?”
“With what?”
“The idea of us.”
“Would that be so terrible?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I’d hate to disappoint them.”
My heart sank. Did she not see how there could be a future for us? “Can you not imagine falling for me?”
“I can imagine it. That doesn’t mean we’re meant to be. You’re the type who’ll want to marry.”
“You don’t?”
“I’ve never thought I would.”
“Marrying would solve a lot of your problems,” I said. “Wouldn’t it?”
“Yes, but that’s not a good enough reason.”
“What is a better reason than being taken care of?” I asked, trying to keep my voice light but failing. “I’d like the chance to court you. What harm could come from getting to know each other better?” Already I was ahead of myself. I’d not thought a kiss could spark so many ideas in my head so quickly. I’d already moved ahead by months, hoping I could win her hand in marriage. I wasn’t a man who could protect his own heart. Not when it came to Louisa.
“Don’t you think we’re unsuited?”
“How’s that?” I asked, shocked by her statement.
“You’re a man of privilege. Even when I went to the Linds’, we weren’t rich. I’m not sure I could ever be comfortable here in your world. Your family has taken us in out of a sense of charity. How could they ever take me seriously as a match for you?”
“This is America. None of that matters. I’ll marry the woman I love, regardless of wealth or lack thereof.”
Her grip on my arm tightened.
“What is it?” I asked. “Is there another reason why you wouldn’t entertain the idea of a courtship? Am I disgusting to you?”
“Goodness, no, nothing like that.”
“Is it Flynn?” An awful thought occurred to me. Had she been imagining Flynn when I kissed her?
“No, I told you the truth about Flynn. Those feelings were nothing but a silly girl with fanciful ideas.”
I sighed with relief. “I could stand everything but that.”
“You’ve nothing to worry about when it comes to your brother. I only thought I was in love because I knew he didn’t want me. I could stay protected that way.”
“Protected?” I couldn’t follow what she was saying. Was this the way it always was with women? As if men and women spoke two different languages?
She rattled out a response without taking a breath between sentences. “I don’t know if I can ever love a man. Before I was taken in by the Linds, something happened to me. Something that might repel you. A man…”
“A man?”
“I was only nine when it happened. I’m not sure I could ever be a proper wife because of it.”
My stomach hollowed as I realized what she was sayi
ng. She’d been raped. An innocent child and a man? Good God. Afraid I was going to be sick, I pressed my fingers to my mouth. “Have you ever told anyone?”
“No,” she whispered. “I’m too ashamed.”
“Who? Who did this?”
“I don’t know who he was,” Louisa said.
“It was not your fault.” I burned with rage. How could anyone do that to a child? Or a woman, for that matter.
She covered her face with her hands and spoke through her fingers. “Maybe I shouldn’t have told you. Will you be able to even look at me now without seeing how soiled I am?”
“You’re not soiled. You were an innocent child. Nothing could make me see you differently.”
She took her hands from her face to look at me. “Do you see, though? Why I shun marriage? Why I’ve kept away from you?”
“From me specifically?”
“I couldn’t let myself get too close to you. I couldn’t write to you when you asked because you’re the one I could fall for. If I fell and let you fall, too, then I might ruin your life.”
“That’s impossible. You can’t ruin my life. If you were with me, I’d be the happiest man on earth.”
“You’re so good, Theo. You deserve the very best woman. One who can love you like a wife should. I don’t know if I can.”
I cupped her face in my hands. Above, in the inky sky, a star twinkled down at me. “Nothing could dissuade me from you. Not if you wanted me. I’d take you just as you are—just as you would have to take me. We have wounds, Louisa, but together we could heal.”
“I want to. So very much.”
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes. More than anyone.”
“Then I will go to the ends of the earth and back to make you feel safe and loved. If you’ll let me try, I might be able to love away all the demons.” I kissed her again, this time without the abandon that had come over us in the barn but with tenderness. Her mouth was warm and soft and yielding. I flooded with hope that intermixed with the love I felt for her. How had I ever thought I could love anyone but Louisa? I’d never stopped, and I suspected I never would.
After our kiss, she placed a finger through one of the curls that fell over my forehead. “I’ll do my very best.”
“That’s all I ask.”
***
I escorted Louisa to the cottage and made sure she was safely inside before I returned to the main house. Not ready to go inside yet, I went around to the back. Louisa had returned my jacket before she went inside; I held it against my chest as I sank onto one of the porch steps. An owl hooted somewhere in the distant woods.
I loved the peacefulness of a night like this one. When I’d been overseas and the noises of war had never ceased, I’d prayed I could return to the peacefulness of a night like this one. Still, even under the beauty of the moon and the tranquility of this moment, I had to acknowledge that darkness occurred everywhere. On the battlefields in France and here, too. My mother’s madness. Louisa’s father’s abuse. Places were not one or the other. There were good people and bad people. Even here in Emerson Pass.
Louisa’s confession had shaken me. I’d known of her father’s cruelty. Everyone knew. As horrific as that had been, this was worse. How did a little girl recover from such a thing? Her behavior and reticence made sense now. I vacillated between rage and a crushing sorrow. Many times in life I’d felt powerless, but never as much as I did tonight.
I wasn’t one to feel sorry for myself. Still, there had been many times growing up that I’d wondered why I was the twin cursed with worry and sensitivity. Flynn had soared through life without a care in the world. Whereas I was incapable of such things. Instead, I was fraught with worry, angst, and anxiety. Everything was harder for me than seemed necessary. I could not shut out sadness or despair. I’d worried I was bound for madness as my mother had been. Especially after the war when I could not let go of the horrors I’d witnessed.
Tonight, however, I understood for the first time that my sensitivity made me especially suited for this next phase in my life. I could love Louisa in the ways she needed to be loved. I was the man for her. I knew it in my bones.
The owl hooted again. Goose bumps pricked my skin. I rose to my feet and looked out to the thicket of trees that were to the right of the house. I couldn’t see the majestic bird, but I knew she existed. The words faith in what we could not see floated through my mind. I would have faith in Louisa and in myself and in the idea of the two of us together.
I slipped into the house as quietly as I could, hoping to avoid any of my family members. However, as was usually the case in this house, it was not to be. Papa and Mama were in the sitting room and called out to me as I was about to head upstairs.
“Theo, is that you?” Papa asked.
I headed into the sitting room, where my parents were sitting together by the unlit fireplace. Both were reading from novels. “You’re still up?”
“We’re about to head to bed,” Mama said. “But were waiting for you to come back inside.”
I glanced at the grandfather clock. It was only forty-five minutes past the hour. However, what had transpired between now and when I’d made my trip to the barn had changed everything.
“You were gone a long time,” Papa said. “I went out looking for you, thinking you might have fallen in with the sow and gotten eaten.”
“Alexander,” Mama said, laughing. “How gruesome.”
“You came out to the barn?” I asked. Had he seen me with Louisa?
Papa’s eyes danced. “I did. Quite the show, too.”
I grimaced. How embarrassing. He’d obviously seen us kissing. “I ran into Louisa. One thing led to another.”
“Would you care to elaborate?” Papa asked.
I sat across from them, preparing myself for the firing squad. “What would you like to know?”
“Will you be courting Louisa?” Papa asked. “Properly?”
“Properly? Of course. How else would I do it? We’re going for a drive and a picnic tomorrow evening.”
“Did the old feelings come back?” Mama asked. “Or did they never leave?”
“I’m starting to think they never left.”
“Interesting,” Papa said, sounding amused. “We suspected as much.”
“And does she return your affection?” Mama asked.
Before I answered, I got up to pour myself a glass of whiskey and returned to sit across from them. I looked toward the foyer, listening for the sounds of any curious sisters. “Are the girls all in bed?”
“That’s right.” Papa’s expression had changed from amused to serious. “What’s wrong? I can see it in your eyes.”
I lowered my voice. “Louisa told me something disturbing tonight.” I took a moment, unsure how to describe what I didn’t fully understand. “When she was a child, before the Linds, she suffered abuse of a particularly heinous kind from a man. The kind that would keep her from desiring a marriage.”
Mama gasped as tears filled her eyes. “Was it her father?”
“No, she didn’t know him.” I swallowed a generous portion of my drink. “I have a feeling it was right before we found her and brought her back here with us.”
Papa had gone very still. “How does a man do such a thing?”
“That poor child,” Mama said. “I didn’t think it could get any worse than what we already knew.”
“With all the missing pieces, everything makes more sense.” I explained to them what she’d come to understand about her feelings for Flynn and ultimately for me. “She’s worried about whether she can be the kind of wife I need.”
“I can understand her concerns,” Mama said. “Do you share them?”
I shook my head. “No. I know what I feel. I now know enough to understand why she’s kept herself guarded. I feel deep inside that she and I are supposed to be together. God made me to love her. Just for her. All my trials and hardships and just the way I am make me the right man for her.”
Mama
closed the book on her lap and set it next to her. “I can remember stepping off the train that very first day I arrived here in Emerson Pass with no idea what was to come. It was pure desperation that had brought me all the way out here. I was terrified to step off the train but knew I had to. What waited for me here was my destiny. When I met all of you and your father, I knew I’d been made specifically for the purpose of loving you all. Giving you children a mother and Alexander a partner. Everything that had come before, all the lessons and challenges and my distinct personality, had prepared me for this.” She gestured around the room.
“Yes, that’s how I feel about Louisa.” My eyes pricked. I should never have doubted that Mama would understand. Even if no one else did. I glanced over at Papa. “What about you? Do you understand?”
Papa pressed his fingers together, making a pyramid. “I trust your heart. If she’s the one you want and you believe she will make you happy, then you have my blessing.”
“But you’re worried?” I asked. “I can see that you are.”
“Ida was a troubled woman,” Papa said, referring to my birth mother. “I know the kind of grief an unhappy marriage brings.”
“This isn’t the same,” I said. “I know this with every part of me.”
“Well, then, you have my support,” Papa said. “We will do whatever it is you need.”
“Thank you. Both of you. I know it’s a leap of faith.”
“Isn’t love always a leap of faith?” Mama asked. “Step off the train, dear one. Your life awaits.”
10
Louisa
* * *
After telling Theo my secret, I tossed and turned for hours until I finally fell into a fitful sleep. I woke later than usual with an aching head and sore eyes. Why had I told Theo such a private, buried truth? We’d been caught up in each other in a surprising familiarity that had come from nowhere, and in such a rush I’d lost all sense of propriety.
I rolled to my side. Morning sun sneaked in through the space between the curtains. I should get up and check on Mother, but my limbs were too heavy to move. I would stay just another moment, I decided. Think through what to do next.
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