I’d not told Theo the details of what had happened to me. I didn’t want him to ever know just how bad it had been, or he might never be able to look at me without thinking of the violence I’d endured.
For years, I’d not remembered the details. Even now, they came only in chunks like photographs that flashed before my eyes.
I’d been sound asleep when Pa yanked me from my bed on the floor. Get dressed, he said to me. I did so, shivering in the frigid room as I tugged my one dress over my head. When I had my old boots on, he hauled me outside. We’d walked through the woods. Snow covered the ground, but the night was clear. Stars twinkled in the sky. I wanted to take warmth from them but I was cold. We’d stopped in front of a house with a sunken roof. Pa shoved me inside to a room with a fireplace. Warm, I’d thought. Then a man with a handlebar mustache had risen out of a chair. The man’s eyes were slitted and cruel like a snake’s. They discussed money. A price for me. For the body of a nine-year-old little girl. Then Pa had left. I stood in the bare room hugging myself.
That’s when the holes in my recollection began. During it all, I’d transferred myself outside to look at the stars. My own mind had saved myself from remembering the details.
When it was over, I ran out of the house and into the dark. I knew these woods. I’d spent so many hours in them, searching for food. Tonight, though, I was above the earth, watching myself run. Was I only a shadow? I might be dead. Had the man with the snake eyes killed me? A ghost. A spirit roaming the woods. Nothing could hurt me. No one would ever touch me again because I was air.
I tripped and fell. Pain shot through my hand. I covered it with my other and felt the sticky blood. I’d cut my palm on a sharp rock buried in the snow.
No, I was still here. The mercy of death had not come.
I collapsed in the snow. For the first time, I became aware of the searing pain between my legs. No, no, I wouldn’t go back home. Not to Pa and his games. What if this was a new game? One that would repeat again and again? I sobbed, curled up like a potato bug. I’d stay here with the stars and the snow that could numb all the hurt. I would die here, and God would lift me up and bring me home to him. A calmness overtook me. I stopped crying and closed my eyes. Come get me. I’m so very tired.
God had other plans for me. He sent Miss Cooper to me instead. Her voice, soft and gentle, whispered in my ear. You must get up, Louisa. You must fight.
I got up, aching, and made my way through the woods to our shack. Pa wasn’t there when I returned, but a fire in the woodstove had been lit. I brought in snow and melted it in a pan. When it was hot, I took off my clothes and scrubbed between my legs and thighs. I didn’t have another dress, so I put it back on as well as a pair of stockings I’d washed in the creek water the day before. My stomach rumbled with hunger. I couldn’t recall the last time I’d eaten. Where was the money he’d gotten for me? Was it here in the shack? I searched, even though I knew it was futile. He’d have taken it to buy drink.
You must fight. I heard the words again.
Almost blindly, I trudged out of the house and out to the road. Morning light had come. What day was it? Was there school? I could think only of finding something in town in the trash bins outside of the butcher shop. Or maybe some fish heads. The last time I’d gotten some, I’d also had popcorn. Lord Barnes had given me half a bag when they’d picked me up one day. That was a good day. There could be more of them, couldn’t there?
I had no idea how many good ones awaited me. After Pa’s death, Miss Cooper had promised me that she and her family would always look out for me. They had indeed done so. I’d never told her how I’d heard her voice that day in the woods. If I’d have told her that, I would have had to tell her the rest. No one could ever know the depths of Pa’s evilness. I didn’t understand as a child how heinous his crimes against me truly were. My mistake was thinking that I could ever be normal.
But maybe, just maybe, Theo’s goodness could bring me a little closer.
The sound of Mother’s footsteps in the other room brought me back to the present. I rose from the bed and padded to the window in bare feet and drew back the curtains. My tired eyes protested the brightness of the morning. I could hear Mother’s movements in the other room and smell the coffee. Time to get on with it, I thought.
I washed in the small bathroom, then donned a summer dress in a light yellow linen. By the time I joined Mother in the sitting area, I felt somewhat refreshed.
“Darling, you slept late,” Mother said from the table by the window. Her Bible was open to Luke. “I was afraid you were ill.”
“No, I slept poorly is all.” I kissed her cheek. “Did I miss breakfast?”
“Yes, but I brought you a little something, and Lizzie was kind enough to have a pot of coffee sent over.” Mother pointed to a plate with several pieces of bread and a slice of cheese. A ceramic coffee pitcher and two cups, along with cream and sugar, were on a silver platter.
I took the plate and joined Mother at the table. As I took a bite of the delicious sourdough bread, I inspected her. Her eyes were puffy and her skin pale. She hadn’t slept well, either. I assumed she had been crying. How would we ever get along without Father to anchor us? I half expected him to come in through the door with a story of his morning.
“How are you feeling?” I asked. “Did you sleep?”
“Not much. I tried. It’s strange to be here. I expected to wake up at home.” Her voice caught, and tears dampened the creases around her eyes. She appeared older than she had just last week. Would the rest of her life be in mourning?
“I did too. We lived in the same place for so long, it’s only natural to feel this way.”
Mother got up and poured us both a cup of coffee. “What will you do today?”
I sipped from my cup before answering. “I thought I’d head into town and see if I could find some work. We can’t stay here forever.”
“I suppose you’re right. But what work can you find that will keep us afloat?” Mother did not ask this unkindly, but there was more than a hint of skepticism.
“I don’t know.” I set my cup back in its saucer. “Did I ever tell you what Quinn said to me after Pa died?” I didn’t wait for an answer. “She said her family would always look out for me and promised to find me a family of my own.”
“I can remember the conversation with Alexander like it was yesterday.” Mother glanced out the window, perhaps pulled by the sounds of Delphia and Addie playing on the swing that hung from a branch of a tree. “We were so happy to bring you home with us.”
“Quinn did everything she promised,” I said. “And now here we are again, relying on the kindness of the Barnes family.”
“We’re blessed to have them take us in.” Mother looked down at her cup of coffee. “I wish we didn’t have to take advantage of their generosity. I wish for many things lately.”
The sadness in her voice spurred me to tell her about last night. “Theo kissed me.” I blurted this out without reasoning through the consequences of such a confession.
“When?” Mother had gone quite still and peered down at me with glittering eyes. Was she angry or disappointed or shocked?
“Last night. Twice.” The confessions spilled out one after the other.
“What did you feel?”
“All fluttery inside,” I said. “And warm. Almost like I floated on air.” I squinted over at her and braced myself for whatever chiding would come. “Are you mad I was alone with him? That I kissed him back?”
For a long moment, I watched and waited. A muscle in Mother’s cheek twitched. She smoothed the tablecloth with a flattened hand. “I’m not angry. I’m happy. You know how much I think of Theo.”
My eyebrows shot up in amazement. “But isn’t it wrong to kiss a man you had no intention of marrying?”
The light in her eyes dimmed as if I’d switched off a lamp. “You have no intention of marrying him? But why not?”
“I mean, I didn’t at the time of the kiss. The
entire experience was like a sudden streak of lightning on a clear night. Like it came out of nowhere. We were talking and I told him so many things that I’d not shared with anyone and he did the same—about the war and finding his mother dead in the snow. I don’t know how to explain it, but it was almost as if we were in our own world with nothing else to worry about or to answer to. When he kissed me, it seemed like the most natural thing I’ve ever done.”
“Darling, that’s what it’s like to fall in love.”
“It is?” I jiggled my left foot under the table. Love? Was that what this was? Or the beginning of, anyway? “There’s this quality about him that makes me open up like a book—right in the middle of a book as if he’d already read the first chapters and I don’t have to explain much about what came before. Maybe because we grew up together. I can’t explain what I mean.” I threw up my hands. “What am I saying? He’s completely discombobulated me.”
Mother laughed. It was the first time since Father’s death that I’d heard the beautiful sound of her bubbly laughter. “Louisa, dear, this is all good, don’t you see?”
“We’re going on a picnic to the river tonight. He’s going to drive me in that shiny car.” I buried my face in my hands and spoke through my fingers. “Isn’t that just the most outrageous thing you’ve ever heard?”
“The car?” Mother sounded befuddled.
I dropped my hands to my sides and met her gaze. “Partly the car. But mostly that Theo Barnes wants to court me. Even after I made such a fool of myself over his brother.”
“You were all very young then,” Mother said. “No one can be held responsible for the romantic notions we have as children.”
“He’s asked to court me,” I said.
“What did you say?” She sat up a little straighter in her chair.
Her eagerness struck me. She wanted me to marry into the Barnes family, thus sealing my future. He would be the answer to her prayers, I felt certain.
“I said I’d like that, but I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to be the woman he wants and needs.”
“Why do you think that?” Mother studied me with an intensity that conveyed her great desire to understand me. I’d grown accustomed to her interest over the years, but I often wondered if I were inadequate. Was I so different from her that she had to struggle to comprehend me?
I studied my hands. How could I explain that my secret shame kept me from imagining a life with a man? Yet I had this urge to tell her the truth. She deserved to know why I hadn’t been able to think of myself marrying. My arms prickled with goose bumps as I tried to find the right words. “There’s something you don’t know. Something I never told anyone. I didn’t think there would be a reason for anyone else to know, but now I can see I should have told you and Father so that you would understand why I’ve been opposed to the idea of marriage.”
“What is it?” Her eyes didn’t leave my face. She reached for the Bible, closed the pages, and brought the good book to her chest as if it were a shield.
“Right before I came to you and Father, Pa had become more and more desperate to find ways to buy his drink. We were destitute. I was begging in town for fish heads and scraps. The children at school were sharing their lunches with me but still, I was hungry all the time. One night, Pa took me to a man. He sold me to him for a night. To do with me as he wished.”
Mother placed a hand over her heart. Her complexion had turned the color of the center of the sourdough bread. “I thought it might be true. That it had happened to you too.”
“What do you mean by ‘you too’?” I held my breath, watching Mother.
Her features crumpled. She spoke so softly I instinctively leaned closer to her. “I, too, had to endure it. A family member. Someone close to me. That’s why I couldn’t have children. Parts of me were damaged.”
Tears flooded my vision. “Mother, I’m so very sorry.” I left the chair to drop on my knees next to her.
She set aside the Bible and caressed my cheek with cold fingers. “I’m sorry for you too, my sweet girl. I understand now why you thought marriage was impossible. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I wanted to forget it ever happened. Most of the time, I could. But pieces come back to me. Just like they do with Pa’s game.”
“Damn him to hell.” Mother shuddered before pulling me into her arms. I could feel her disgust and rage as if it were in my own body. She was my mother. No matter how we came together, she loved me.
“I don’t remember most of it, thankfully.” I described how I’d been separated from my body while it happened. “I went to the stars.”
“It’s our way of protecting ourselves from acts too heinous to endure,” Mother said.
“Does it mean we’re always separated from our bodies from then on?” I couldn’t explain exactly what I was asking, but Mother understood. I knew from the way she answered the question.
“This may be hard to believe, but if you have the right man—one who is gentle and as good as Simon was to me—you’ll be able to be the wife a man wants.”
“Is that really true? Were you able to feel like other women do about their husbands?” I tapped my chest. “Not in your heart but your body?”
She nodded and gave me a slight smile. “Yes, love has a way of lightening the burdens of the past. Even ones as dark as what we experienced.”
I rose from the floor to return to my chair. “I’ve realized that the idea of Flynn was only an excuse to keep myself distant from any suitors. I told myself that if it wasn’t Flynn then it was no one. When in actuality, the entire thing was simply a way to remain protected. I didn’t think I could ever be enough for anyone. Especially a fine man like Theo.” Maybe even some part of me had known Theo was the one who would touch my heart, so I’d kept myself distant from him. All I knew now was that I didn’t want to be distant from him. I wanted to go toward him.
“Give it time. Let him woo you,” Mother said. “Bit by bit, you’ll find yourself opening up to him and the idea of marriage.”
I think I already was. Theo Barnes. He’d come home and with his gentle way had opened me up like a book.
***
In Theo’s car, we bounced along the dirt road until we reached the community park. I’d fastened my hat with double pins to make sure it survived the trip. Lizzie had sent along a basket filled with food.
“Ah, it’s pretty here tonight,” I said. The river spot had become a popular place for young people to picnic and swim. Flynn and Phillip and a few of their friends had cleared shrubs and trees to create a section of the riverbank for a beach. Additionally, they’d leveled the dirt and planted grass and built picnic tables.
Theo turned off the engine and ran around to help me out of the car. I’d worn a casual pink poplin dress with a simple collar and dropped waist. I’d lingered at the mirror earlier staring at my reflection to assess my appearance. What I saw didn’t please me. My face was long and thin. Almond-shaped eyes were a faded blue rather than vibrant like the sky or a lake. I hadn’t ever thought much about whether I was pretty or not. Yet tonight, it suddenly seemed important. I wanted Theo to think I was pretty. This was an entirely new feeling. I preferred not caring what anyone thought about my appearance, especially a man.
Theo grabbed the basket out of the back of the car. “Shall we sit on the grass? Or sit at one of the tables?”
“Grass seems more like a picnic.” I’d rather have sat a table, but looking around, I saw that it was only families who were using them, sitting side by side on the attached benches. Couples reclined on blankets. Romantic.
We strolled across the lawn. I spotted Nora and Viktor sitting together at the far end of the lawn. She looked fetching in a cream dress. A different girl than the one I’d seen the other day at the Johnsons’ store.
After we settled on the blanket near a fir, Theo took a bottle of ice-cold water from the wicker basket and poured us each a glass. The evening temperature hadn’t changed much from the heat of the afternoon.
A drop of perspiration ran down my back. I drank greedily from my glass. The water cooled the back of my throat. Theo retrieved more items from the basket.
“Is Viktor calling on Nora Cassidy?” I asked.
Theo shook his head. “No, she has her heart set on Isak. I suspect she’s asking him for advice.”
“Isak? Isn’t he old for her?”
“She’s twenty now,” Theo said. “There’s only a five-year difference between them.”
I smiled as an image of little Nora Cassidy as I’d first known her came to me. “You’re right. I still think of us as the ages when we all first met. Nora was a little girl back then.”
Theo reached into the basket and brought out a chunk of bread and another of cheese. Just then, Isak appeared, peering down at us and blocking the sun with his large frame. “Good evening,” Isak said before nodding at me. “Hello, Louisa.”
Theo leapt to his feet, and the men shook hands. “Evening. I didn’t know you’d be out tonight.”
“I took your advice and came to see about a certain girl,” Isak said, grinning. “My brother agreed to come along since I’m not known for my conversation skills.”
I must have looked confused because Theo said, “I might have mentioned something to Isak about a certain young lady’s feelings.”
“I’m glad you did,” Isak said. “I had no idea.”
Theo chuckled. “A soldier always looks out for his brother-in-arms.”
“Anyway, I should be off before my better-looking brother steals her affection,” Isak said.
We waved him off and wished him luck. I watched his tall, wide-shouldered form cross the grass to where Nora and Viktor waited. Nora beamed at him as he plopped down beside them. Then, a young woman and man I didn’t know arrived. Viktor got to his feet and kissed the lady’s hand before they both sat on the blanket, followed by the man.
“Who are those people?” I asked Theo.
“They’re new to town. Neil Hartman. The sister’s called Emma.”
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