Sweetheart

by Sarah Mayberry

  I went straight to the living room and pointed to the couch. “Sit.”

  Then I went into the kitchen and made her some tea. Haley was blowing her nose when I returned, her face blotchy from crying. She gave me a sheepish look when I passed her the mug.

  “Thanks. Sorry for blubbering all over you.”

  “What happened?” I asked bluntly. “Who told you to stay away?”

  Her eyes filled with tears again and she inhaled sharply and stared at the ceiling, blinking like crazy.

  “My parents. My mom, specifically, but my dad seemed to be on board, too. They’re super worried about Jess. Beck, they even searched her luggage, thinking she might have some pills she could hurt herself with. Then they told me they didn’t think Jess was up to hearing about you and me and asked me to cool things off with you until she calmed down.”

  “Drink some of your tea,” I instructed, because she was looking far too pale.

  She took a slurp of tea obediently, wrapping her hands around the warm ceramic. “How much sugar did you put in this?”

  “Enough. What did you say to them?” I asked.

  “I told them I didn’t want to do that. That you were important to me. They told me you would understand, so I told them about what Jess tried to do with Larry.” She frowned. “It was like it didn’t even register with them. They’re so used to making excuses for her. Then my mother told me she didn’t think they were asking so much of me, and all I could think of was all the things they’ve asked me to put up with over the years, them and Jess.”

  She took another mouthful of tea, then looked up at me, her gaze intense.

  “It’s like those things we found hidden in Jess’s bedroom. Deep in my heart, I always knew she’d taken them, but I accepted it, because that was just the way it was. She was so much. She’s always been so much, and I could see how big a toll it took on my parents, so I always tried to be good. To do the right thing.”

  “That’s because you’re a good person, Haley, with a huge heart,” I said, because it seemed to me she needed to hear that right now.

  She returned her focus to the mug, tightening her grip. “I couldn’t say no to what they were asking, and I couldn’t say yes. So I just sat there, paralyzed. Then my mom said, ‘If you don’t think you can do this, then maybe you need to stay away for a while.’”

  Haley’s voice quivered on the final words, and tears welled up in her eyes.

  “Haley,” I said, heartbroken and angry for her in equal measures.

  I took the mug and put it safely on the coffee table, then I pulled her onto my lap and enveloped her in my arms.

  “You know how you sometimes have this sort of gut-level knowledge about something but you never quite put it into words or look it in the eye because you really, really don't want to have to deal with it? I feel like I just looked. It's always been about Jess for my parents. I've always been the second-string daughter. The afterthought.”

  “No,” I said. “Never believe that, Haley. You’re the best person I know.”

  She smiled sadly, her lashes spiky with tears. “You might be a little biased.”

  “Because I’m in love with you? Guilty as charged. But it’s still true.”

  She blinked with surprise. Then her mouth curved into a watery smile. “I love you, too,” she said. “So much it scares me a little.”

  “Don’t be scared.”

  I kissed her, because I couldn’t not, then I tucked her head under my chin and held her close for a few minutes while I gathered my thoughts.

  “Here are the things I know about you,” I said. “You’re smart, and you’re talented. You’re tenacious as hell. You know how to work hard, and you’re not afraid to go for what you want. And you’re funny, and so, so generous, and really good in bed.”

  She laughed and snuggled closer.

  “But wait, there’s more,” I said. “You’re loyal and selfless and sensitive and kind. You’re a great sister and an amazing daughter. What happened tonight is about your parents, not you. None of it was about you.”

  I felt her nod against my chest. She was still digesting what had happened, and I didn’t want to push too hard, but I was really fucking proud of her for standing up for herself and her own happiness, even though she’d spent a lifetime being conditioned to do the opposite.

  I was also really fucking angry with her parents for putting her in that position in the first place. But this was not the time or place for me to get into any of that.

  I wracked my brain, trying to think of something I could do to comfort her. Then I remembered the claw-foot tub in her bathroom.

  “I’m going to run us a bath,” I said. “Then we’re going to have wine and pizza for dinner, and then I’m going to take you to bed and make you scream in a good way. How does that sound? You up for all of that?”

  “Sounds pretty good,” she said, and when I glanced down at her there was a little more color in her cheeks.

  “This is about them, Haley. Not you,” I repeated.

  She nodded, and I decided to leave it at that for now.

  “Give me ten minutes,” I said, easing her off my lap.

  Then I went to run my sweetheart a bath.

  36

  Haley

  As I sat on the couch listening to water run into the bathtub, it occurred to me that in all of my twenty-six years on the planet I had never had a serious fight with my parents. Jess had had plenty, more than enough for both of us, but I had never pushed back against them, and they’d never felt the need to push back against me.

  Maybe that was why I was feeling so numb right now. And like my chest was suddenly hollow.

  Or maybe it was because my mother had made it very clear that my happiness was much less important to her than Jess’s. Thinking back on it, her first response to hearing about me and Beck being together had been to worry about Jess, too. There had been no happiness for me, no questions about how we’d met. We’d just rushed straight to concern about how Jess would handle it.

  I stirred, then scrubbed my face with my hands. The sound of running water had ceased in the bathroom, and when I went to investigate, I found Beck lighting the scented candle someone had given me for a birthday a couple of years ago.

  “Bath and a smelly candle. Now I’m really feeling spoiled,” I joked.

  Beck smiled, but his eyes were serious, and I knew he was worried about me.

  “I’m okay,” I said. “I think I was just shocked. But it’s fine. I’ll just lie low for a while, like they asked, and they can do whatever they need to do for Jess. I’m sure we’ll work it out sometime.”

  Even I could hear the wobble in my voice, and I rolled my eyes. “God, I’m such a sucky actress.”

  “You don’t have to be brave with me,” Beck said. “Your parents just let you down, big time. You’ve got every right to feel sad about that.”

  “Yeah, but I’m twenty-six. Not a baby.”

  “Every kid wants their parents’ love and approval. Even when their parents are assholes.”

  I glanced at the bath. “Are you getting in with me?”

  “That’s my cunning plan.”

  “Sure there will be room for us both?” I asked, eyeing him then the tub dubiously.

  “We’ll make it work.”

  We both stripped off our clothes, then Beck maneuvered his ridiculously brawny body into the tub, easing his back against the sloped side away from the faucet. He patted the water in front of him.

  “Come on in, the water's fine.”

  I climbed in and sank into the steamy heat, settling back against his body, his legs twin mountains rising from the water on either side of me. It was a snug fit, but doable.

  “See? Perfect. Like it was made for us.” Beck folded his arms around me.

  I rested my head against his chest and tried to let go of the tight feeling in my chest and belly, but I kept seeing my mother’s face, the hard, implacable light in her eyes. As though I was the enemy suddenly,
because I’d stopped singing from the family hymn book.

  Then I remembered the way her hands had been shaking when she searched Jess’s luggage for anything Jess might use to hurt herself, and how she’d urged my father to make sure that the pills they’d found weren’t dangerous.

  “They’re the ones who found Jess that night, you know,” I said.

  There was a small silence.

  “That must have been tough.”

  “She waited till I had a sleepover at a friend’s place to do it. Mom and Dad went to a movie, and Jess was supposed to be going out with some kids from school. That’s what she told us, anyway. She’d stolen my Dad’s back-pain meds. They came home and found her passed out on the floor. She’d thrown up and hit her head on something. Dad had to give her CPR while Mom called for help.”

  I fell silent as I thought about what my parents must have endured that night, finding Jess on the brink of death. How fearful they must have been, literally forcing air into their daughter’s lungs and then, later, sitting by her bed through the long night, hoping against hope that she’d recover.

  They must have blamed themselves for not seeing the warning signals. For not keeping Jess safe from her own destructive impulses. They must have made all sorts of promises and bargains with themselves and Jess and the universe that night.

  “I don’t think they’ve ever gotten over it,” I said, articulating something I’d always known in my gut but never put into words. “They’ve been so vigilant ever since. So attentive. We all have, orbiting around her, keeping tabs on her, doing everything we can to keep her stable.”

  “I know Jess is resistant to therapy, but surely your parents must have tried to get her help?” Beck asked.

  “She had to talk with a therapist in the hospital before they’d let her come home, but the moment she was out she dug her heels in. Wouldn’t take the pills they’d prescribed, wouldn’t see her therapist. There were so many fights and threats, Mom and Dad finally gave in. I think they figured that therapy wasn’t going to help her much if she wasn’t a willing participant. Instead, they wrapped her in love, and after a while Jess got better. And she’s never made another attempt again.”

  There had still been multiple crises over the years, though. And now this, with Jess home, back in the family fold, my parents doing their damnedest to keep her safe from herself.

  Even if that meant asking me to give up the best thing in my life and then pushing me away when I refused.

  “I wish they’d stood their ground,” I said after a long silence. “I wish they’d found a way to get Jess the help she needs. Living in fear is no way to live. For any of us.”

  “No.”

  Beck reached for the soap and started gliding it slowly over my shoulder. Then my collarbone. Finally, down over my breasts. A slow smile curved my lips as I watched his hands work.

  “You’ve been very patient,” I said.

  “You have no idea,” he said. “Your tits are so pretty.”

  He dropped the soap, cupping me in his hands. I closed my eyes and let go of all the misery and sadness for a few minutes, allowing myself to get swept away on sensation as he teased and soothed and teased me again. Then he slipped a hand between my legs and did it all over again until my heart was racing and I was moving restlessly in the water, unable to keep still.

  “Let it go, baby,” Beck whispered in my ear, and I did, my head falling back against his shoulder as pleasure rushed through my body.

  Beck ran some more hot water into the bath afterward as I lay sleepily in his arms, and when the water cooled a second time we climbed out and ordered pizza. We sat on my bed drinking red wine and eating pizza, talking about anything and everything except for my family.

  I’d reached my limit, burned out on worry and grief, and Beck obviously sensed it.

  He cleaned up afterward and then we snuggled in bed, his chest the perfect pillow for my head. I was just about to slip into sleep when a thought hit me.

  “Larry!” I said, my eyes popping open. “What about Larry?”

  “Relax. I texted Sam ages ago. He’s got her for the night. Probably feeding her too many scraps and making her fat.”

  “Oh. Good.”

  He kissed the top of my head. “Thanks for worrying about her, though.”

  “She’s such a good girl,” I said drowsily, already slipping off again.

  “Love you, Haley,” Beck said.

  “I love you, too.”

  And despite the fact that it had been a deeply, deeply shitty day, I fell asleep with a smile on my lips.

  37

  Beck

  Haley’s breath was soft against my skin as she slept the sleep of the emotionally exhausted. I was pleased for her sake that she’d been able to find some peace.

  I was pretty sure it was going to be harder for me to let go of the day’s events, however.

  I’d put up with a lot from Jess. It had messed me up, but making the choice to be with Haley had helped me reach a place in my life where I could start to let go of my anger at what Jess had done and begin to feel sorry for her.

  I couldn’t forgive what Haley’s parents had done to her tonight, though.

  It made my blood boil, thinking of them showing her the door because she’d dared to fight for her own happiness. I was so glad she had me to fight in her corner now. I would never not do that for her, because she deserved all the love and care and consideration in the world. She deserved to be honored for the big-hearted, warm, brilliant person she was.

  The way I was feeling right now, I’d be happy if she never saw her parents or sister again. Fuck ’em. They were so focused on themselves they had neglected Haley in a thousand different ways over the years. The hijacked birthday, the shitty, short-straw bedroom, and no doubt there were many, many more examples of how Haley had been relegated to second place in the family hierarchy, all because Jess was the squeaky, volatile wheel who demanded all the attention.

  Haley loved them, though. She was invested in her sister’s happiness and wellbeing, and her parents were a big part of her life. She’d suffer if she lost them. If they didn’t take steps to put things right.

  But it was on them to fix this, not Haley. That much was very clear in my mind. They needed to do the heavy lifting to heal things with the good, sweet daughter who had stood on the sidelines all her life, waiting patiently for them to notice her.

  I wasn’t confident they had it in them, though. They were smart people, but after hearing Haley talk about how they’d discovered Jess and fought to save her life, I wasn’t confident they could see the forest for the trees. It was so obvious they were still swimming around in the fallout from that night, too fucked up to see that by pouring all their energy into one daughter they were hurting the other.

  If they couldn’t see it for themselves, they obviously needed someone to show them. I was willing to take on that role. Or at least try to, for Haley’s sake. It wasn’t going to be pretty, but that wasn’t going to stop me. They needed their eyes opened. Big time.

  I lay there stewing and making plans for a while before I finally fell asleep. The next morning Haley and I both woke to the electronic chime of the alarm on her phone.

  “Work. Ugh,” Haley said, her voice muffled by my shoulder.

  “You could take the day off,” I said, but I already knew Haley wouldn’t do that to Zara and Audrey.

  She’d have to break an arm or leg before she’d let them down.

  “I’ll go. I’d rather be busy, anyway.” She sat up in bed, her hair flat on one side, her eyes still a little puffy from crying. “Thank you for last night.”

  “Any time. Especially the part where I got to wash you in the tub.”

  “Pretty sure there wasn’t a lot of washing going on,” she said, her mouth curving into a lopsided smile.

  “You say potato. There was soap involved.”

  “There was, indeed.”

  She kissed my chest over my heart and then rolled out of b
ed. Twenty minutes later, I followed her out the door. I dropped her off at the Bean, then headed home.

  Since I was up so early, I used the extra time to dig through the boxes in the storeroom adjacent to my living space in the barn. They were full of stuff I didn’t quite know what to do with—old photos and school stuff Mom had foisted on me when she’d cleaned out the attic, postcards from long dead grandparents—along with things I needed to keep but didn’t want cluttering up my living space. I found my old phone in the bottom of the second box and took it to the apartment to charge.

  By the time Sam arrived, I was hard at work, eager to make it up to him after dropping everything for Haley yesterday afternoon.

  “Hey, man. How’s Haley?” Sam asked as he came through the front door with Larry.

  My furry girl did her happy dance when she saw me and we spent a couple of seconds reminding each other that we were best buds. Then I straightened and focused on my brother.

  “She’s doing okay. But I’m gonna need another hour or so to take care of something this morning, if you’re okay with holding the fort solo again?”

  “I owe you about a million hours, given all the overtime you’ve done around this place. Go for it,” Sam said easily.

  I took a moment to appreciate that I had lucked out in the sibling stakes. Sam might get on my last nerve occasionally, but he had never been a source of unhappiness for me. The opposite, in fact.

  “Thanks for having my back,” I said, stepping forward to hook an arm around his neck and bring him close.

  Sam gave me a look when I let him go. “You got cancer or something?”

  “Don’t be a dick,” I said mildly. “I was having a moment. You don’t need to shit on it from a great height.”

  “Keeping it real is part of my job description.”

  I snorted and shook my head, turning away.

  “Samesies, by the way,” Sam said.

  I glanced at him over my shoulder.

  “You’re a good dude,” Sam said, shrugging as though just saying the words out loud hurt something deep inside him.