Finding Strength

by Shevawn Michelle

  “I’m sorry I didn’t think to ask you about it before I gave Amy the go ahead.” My lips turn downward into a frown on their own accord.

  “Baby?” Jacob says. I look up to meet his stunning blue eyes. “It’s okay, sweetheart.”

  I turn back to the stove to finish dinner. My mind lost in a maze of how could I’s. How could I not think of Jacob feelings about this? I could I not think to ask him first? How could I get so entangled in Amy’s plans that I completely forget all of the things I should have remembered? Jacob places his hands on my hips, his chest leaning against my back, as his chin rest on my shoulder.

  “Anna, stop doing that.”

  “Stop what, Jacob?” I question.

  “Stop feeling guilty.”

  I set the spoon on the counter and turn to face him. The love I see in his eyes, reflects the love I feel for this man in my heart. How he always knows what I am thinking, when I am down, when I am happy or sad, assures me that he knows me inside and out. That he loves me to the fullest of his capabilities.

  Wrapping my arms around his waist, I lay my forehead to his chest.

  “Thank you, Jacob. You are always my voice of reason. You have this ability to calm me when my mind wants to go places it shouldn’t,” I say into his chest. His arms tighten around me. I feel his lips next to my ear, his breath blowing warm on my skin.

  “It’s only because you are my center of gravity. I am pulled to you, drawn in and held in place by your essence. Everything I do is because of you and Braxton. Baby, there is nothing more important to me,” he whispers.

  I look up to meet his eyes. They are warm and comforting, embracing me in nothing but pure, unadulterated love.

  “You were my saving grace in the darkest moment of my life. You are my saving grace still. I love you,” I whisper back to him.

  It only takes a split second before his lips are on mine, his tongue taking control and dominating mine. His lips are soft and move against my own in a passionate frenzy. Too soon, Jacob pulls back and rest his forehead on mine. Our breathing is erratic and we both try to regain control. When my eyes once again lock with Jacob’s, the passion I see in them overwhelms me. Never in my life could I have imagined finding a love like we share. I thought they were only reserved for fairy tales, movies, and the romance novels I like to get lost in. Once again, Jacob has proven me wrong and made me a believer of true love.

  “We need to finish dinner before we get carried away and burn the house down,” Jacob says with a smirk.

  I smack him lightly on his bicep and laugh.

  “We couldn’t have that, now could we?” Standing up onto my tiptoes, I kiss his delectable lips once more before turning back around to the stove to finish making our dinner. I feel Jacob’s hand sliding up my arm, to my shoulder and over to my neck, sweeping my hair to the side. His lips touching my skin and skimming over every visible inch, making my already heated skin burn even more.

  “No, we couldn’t. Because then, we wouldn’t have our room, our own bed to crawl into later and I do believe I made a promise to you that I plan on fulfilling. All. Night. Long,” he again promises as his teeth nips my neck causing my flesh to break out into goosebumps. Jacob steps back, letting me go, leaving me at the stove to finish cooking, I shiver as he takes his warmth with him, immediately missing his touch.

  With dinner done, and Braxton in bed for the night, I make my way to our room. Jacob is standing at his dresser with his head bent forward, almost as if he is praying. He is so still, with his eyes closed so I slowly make my way to him. He lifts his head and turns toward me just as I step up to him. He brings his hands to my face, his face inches from mine. His eyes are dark with undeniable passion. I know my own eyes mirror his. Pushing me ever so gently but with raw need in every movement, Jacob moves me to our bed. As he lowers me down to the bed, he follows. He keeps his promise and takes me to new heights both emotionally and physically. He holds me as if I will disappear. I am where I need to be. Safe, secure, and loved beyond all reason in the arms of the man who is and will always be my unquenchable thirst.

  Chapter Seven

  Present Day

  “It’s getting late, Anna. The boys will be back soon and you need to rest. I’m going to head out for the night and I’ll be back tomorrow,” Amy says, as she gathers her things to leave.

  “Thank you, Amy.”

  “You’re welcome, always. I’ll be back in the morning. Shane, Zak, Braxton, and Allie are going to some festival in Birmingham tomorrow so we’ll have all day.”

  After Amy left for the night, I turned my attention to the TV. I couldn’t find anything worth watching so I turned on Netflix to watch re-runs of The Andy Griffith show. Growing up in my house as a little girl, my dad watched this show religiously and I came to love it as much as he does. Thinking of my parents and the childhood I had, I know that I am one of the lucky ones. Some kids never know the love of their parents and some have a distorted way of how parenting works. Either way, I had the best example given to me by them. Since they live two states away, they haven’t been able to come before now, but as it stands, they will be here in two days. I’m looking forward to seeing them.

  As I reminisce, the door to my room opens and Braxton peeks his head in.

  “What are you doing out there?” I ask him, smiling as much as my dry lips will allow.

  “Seeing if you were asleep. We just got back,” he says, opening the door further and stepping inside.

  “Where’s Zak?”

  “He’s coming, he’s getting a cup of coffee,” Braxton says, taking the seat on the chair next to my bed. A few minutes later, the door once again opens and Zak walks in, tells me hello, kisses my forehead once and then takes a seat on the chaise lounge. We all spend the next half hour or so watching TV and chatting. Well, the guys do most of the chatting about the differences between what we refer to as the old days, verses now. It doesn’t take long before my eyes are once again too heavy to hold open. Braxton bids us goodnight and makes his way to his room. It’s only minutes after he leaves that sleep ensnares me in its embrace and I rest peacefully.

  The sun has just come up over the horizon and I watch through the slats of the blinds on the window as it makes its accent upwards. As promised, Amy is already here and after we divulge in the muffins she brought, she is ready to get back to work. With her notebook in hand, I begin to recount again the memories that are tucked away in the recesses of my mind as Amy puts pen to paper.

  April 26th, 2006

  It’s now three weeks until Braxton turns one. I am excited and exhausted. Amy shows no mercy when it comes to making sure that everything is meticulous and on time. She has this thing about outlining every single detail and if one thing doesn’t make it per her schedule, it’s like her whole world will collapse around her and her party will be off kilter. I love that about her, to a point. That’s just one of the many quirks I love about her.

  Tonight, we are all going out to dinner, Amy, Shane, Jacob, Braxton, and I. I definitely need a break after all of the last minute shopping Amy and I have done this morning. Braxton is going to have one heck of a celebration. Deciding a shower is in order, I gather up my clothes and make my way into the bathroom. Jacob and Braxton are in the living room building some kind of castle with the building blocks, at least, I think it’s a castle.

  After my shower, Jacob went and got ready. And now here we are at one of our favorite local restaurants. When the waitress arrives to take our drink order, Amy speaks up before anyone can place their order.

  “The guys will have a beer, and Anna and I will have a virgin strawberry daiquiri, please.”

  I look at Amy and raise my eyebrow, wondering what she is doing. She sees my questioning look and her lips turn up into a grin that quickly spreads into her beautiful smile.

  “What is going on, Amy?” I ask her.

  “Can we wait on the drinks to arrive?” she ask. I shrug my shoulder, still confused, and my mind is trying to come up with wh
at she has planned. When the drinks arrive, the waitress takes our food order. After she has left the table, Jacob picks up his beer and brings it to his lips. Before he can take a drink, Amy stops him.

  “Okay Amy, now I know something is up with you. What’s going on?” I ask my lifelong friend. Amy’s cheeks turn a light shade of pink as she looks to Shane. I see him give her a slight nod. My stomach knots up, anxious to hear whatever news she wants to tell us.

  “Anna, Jacob, you guys are our best friends. We wanted to tell you first that we think you will make a wonderful aunt and uncle.” Amy says, her eyes moving from mine to Jacob’s.

  “Aunt?” I ask, disbelieving what I just heard.

  “That’s right. You guys are going to be an aunt and an uncle,” Shane says. His smile is gleaming, showing his pride.

  “Congratulations, man!” Jacob says, reaching out and taking Shane’s hand in a firm handshake.

  Of course, I have to squeal like the girl I am and jump up to run around to the other side of the table where Amy is sitting to give her a hug. Happy tears fill my eyes as I wrap my arms around Amy. I am so happy for her. She and Shane have wanted a baby for a while now, but the timing never seemed right for them.

  "I can’t believe it, Amy! I am so happy for you. When did you find out?” I ask, pulling back from her.

  “We found out last week.”

  “And you are just now telling me? You little sneak! How far along are you?”

  “Only eight weeks. Trust me, I was completely shocked. You know how messed up visits from aunt Flo are, and the fact we were not even trying, this really caught me off guard,” she tells me.

  “You are happy about it though, right?” I ask, concern for her evident in my voice.

  “Oh, yes. Very much so.” The brightest smile I have seen from her, breaks across her face. Lighting up her eyes is the happiness she exudes.

  Throughout dinner, we talk about Braxton’s party and her new little bundle that’s coming. We enjoyed the night with our friends. After dinner, we went home, while Shane and Amy decided to take in a movie. Not long after we arrived, Braxton fell asleep and we put him to bed.

  Standing over his crib, I study his features. How relaxed he is, and how much he looks like his daddy. It’s in these quiet moments, I miss Lindsey the most. My heart hurts for the things that she is missing. How much she would have loved being the big sister. How she is missing having someone as wonderful as Jacob in her life. My heart breaks for Braxton, also. He will only know his sister through pictures, and through my memories of her.

  Laying in bed, curled into Jacob’s side, I say a silent prayer of thanks for what I do have. I even say a thank you for the two years I was graced with Lindsey’s presence. I constantly have to remind myself that she is with me, even if only in spirit. That has to be enough. I let my mind drift to Braxton’s upcoming birthday party, and how Amy went all out, no holds barred, to make sure that he has the best of everything. I smile, knowing that her baby will be just as spoiled and loved by all of us. Finally, I am able to drift off to sleep just as a peace settles over me.

  May 14th, 2006

  It’s the morning of Braxton’s birthday party. I cannot believe how fast the past year has gone by. There is a whirlwind of activity going on, not only in the house, but outside as well. Jacob and Shane are setting up games for the older kids who will be coming over, Amy and I are in the kitchen doing last minute preparations and getting the food ready for the grill. We have about an hour before the party starts so the rush is on. Amy had some of those bouncy things the kids like to jump in brought over and set up in the backyard as well. There is even a smaller one just for the little kids, like Braxton.

  Once the guest start arriving, I quickly change Braxton and head out back with everyone else. Shane has put the coolers of drinks out back, and the food is on the grill, emitting a smell so delicious that my stomach growls in response. Jacob walks over to where I am standing with Braxton, kisses me once on the lips, then takes Braxton into his arms.

  “Come on birthday boy, let’s go have some fun,” he says, turning and taking Braxton over to one of the bouncy houses. They disappear inside and within seconds, I can hear the laughter of both of my boys.

  “Hey, what are you doing over here all by yourself?” Amy asks me.

  “Well I wasn’t by myself, I had Braxton until Jacob decided he wanted to go jump. I think he used Braxton as an excuse to be able to get in that thing,” I say, laughing. Amy laughs with me, looking around the backyard at all of the guest.

  “Where did Shane go? And who’s watching the grill?” she ask, still scanning the yard. I look around as well, not seeing Shane at all, that is until he falls out of the bouncy house landing on his back with a thud. I can’t help the laugh that escapes me. Amy notices Shane laid out in the yard. With her hands on her hips, Amy stomps over to where Shane is laying in the grass, yelling the whole way.

  “Shane, what on earth do you think you are doing? You’re going to burn the burgers!” Shane only laughs harder, and so do I.

  I decide that I better check on the food, since the guys are proving our ‘boys will be boys’ theory. As I am flipping the burgers, Shane and Jacob make their way back to the grill. I take Braxton from Jacob. Amy and I take a seat in the chaise lounge chairs on the patio. Braxton doesn’t want to sit, so I help him stand next to the chair. As Amy is talking to him, he takes his first step to her, letting go of my hand. He keeps going all the way to her, which is only about five steps away. I shout for Jacob, who had already turned around and witnessed his son’s first steps. We all cheer for Braxton and he smiles and laughs. This day couldn’t be any better.

  After the party is over, Amy and Shane stay and we get everything cleaned up. Braxton wore himself out from all of the fun. Amy put him to bed with the excuse that she needs practice. He got so many new toys and clothes, we may just have to build an addition onto the house to store it all in. Once everything is back in order, I make some coffee and we all spend the rest of the evening enjoying the peace and quiet.

  Lying in bed, Jacob pulls me to him, kissing me lightly on my neck. The butterflies that always come to life when he touches me are in full force as well as the tingling of my nerves, making me feel as if I have been charged with an electric shock of nothing but unbridled passion. I pull Jacob even closer to me, leaving no space between us. The feel of him against me heats my skin to a blazing inferno. Flames kiss every inch of skin where he touches. There is no better feeling than this, other than when our bodies connect and we become one. One mind, one heart, one soul, climbing higher and higher to the utmost peak of passion, falling willingly over the edge together.

  Chapter Eight

  Present Day

  I stop for a minute and take a breath. The next part of my journey isn’t pretty and reliving it isn’t any easier today than it was that day several years ago. Amy notices my hesitation and sets the pen and notepad down.

  “You don’t have to do this, Anna,” she says, concerned, she reaches over and takes my hand.

  “I have to, Amy. I can’t leave out the parts that hurt. There’s a reason and a purpose for everything, even if we don’t know what either of them are. I believe that.” I have never been more determined about something before. I have to tell this part and Amy knows it.

  Resigned, Amy let’s go of my hand, picking up the pen and notepad once again.

  “Take your time, when you’re ready, I’m ready.”

  I wait a few more minutes before I begin.

  July 28th, 2006

  I was already awake and up when Jacob left for work this morning. That is unusual for me since he leaves at six in the morning. I made him some breakfast and watched as he backed out of the driveway. I kept watching until I could no longer see his truck before I closed the door. I took my coffee into the living room and curled up with my kindle until Braxton woke up.

  I made Braxton’s breakfast, got him fed, and he is now playing in the floor with his new toy
s. I straighten up the house while he entertains himself, peeking in every five minutes on him just to make sure he hasn’t stuck something up his nose or gotten into something he shouldn’t have. As I am loading the last of the breakfast dishes into the dishwasher, I get this uneasy feeling in my chest. It’s like I have a weight pressing down on me, not allowing me to take in a deep breath. I chalk it up to getting up so early this morning, and finish up the dishes.

  An hour later, the feeling of dread that has been hanging tightly to my insides, increases. Braxton is laying down for a nap, so I make my way to his room to check on him. Something isn’t right. I know it, I feel it. Braxton is still in his crib, still sound asleep. I back out of his room quietly. Just as I am entering the living room, I hear a knock on the door. My nerves go on high alert at the same time the dreaded feeling gets heavier making it hard to get air into my lungs. Opening the door, two of Jacob’s co-workers are standing on the other side.

  “Can I help you?” I ask. I have only met them a couple of times at family functions for Jacob’s work. I don’t know why they would be here, unless…. My heart drops and lands somewhere in the bottom of my stomach.

  “Mrs. Caulder, we need to talk to you. May we come in?”

  “Ummm, sure, okay. Please, come in, Mr.?” I don’t finish my sentence as I realize I don’t even remember their names.

  “I’m Andrew, and this is Mason.”

  I lead them into the living room and offer them a seat on the couch.

  “Can I get you anything?” I ask, trying to prolong whatever it is they want to say to me. I wish Amy was here. I don’t know what they need to tell me, but I do know it can’t be good. I’m not sure if I can handle bad news right now.

  “No, thank you,” Mason answers.

  I take a seat in the rocking chair across from the couch and wait for whatever is coming.