“Hello?”
“Good morning, Sunshine,” Zak’s smooth voice comes through the line.
“Good morning, yourself.”
“I just wanted to see if you needed any help, then we could ride together later.”
“I still have to make some apple pies, think you can handle that?” I ask.
“I’ve never made one before, but you could show me.”
“Come on over, the door’s unlocked,” I tell him. We say our goodbyes and end the call. I return to mixing the pumpkin and filling the pie shells. The timer goes off on the oven so I take the stuffing out, placing the pies in its place.
As I reach for the apples, I hear the front door open and then Braxton as he greets Zak. When he enters the kitchen, Braxton is on his heels. He has taken a liking to Zak the past couple of months. Zak takes him to the park, or out to get a new toy just for the heck of it, and Braxton enjoys it. Zak picks Braxton up, leans over and places a quick kiss to my cheek. Braxton leans over to copy him, giving me a pop tart crumb peck. I laugh and wipe the crumbs from my face.
“Hey,” Zak says, setting Braxton down on the corner of the kitchen island.
“Hey, you’re just in time to slice some apples.” I hand him a knife. He sets Braxton on the floor before taking it. “Just slice them and make sure there are no seeds in the pieces then put them in the bowl.”
“You’re awfully bossy,” he says, picking up an apple. I can see the grin he is trying to hide from me.
“Yeah, well, you are in my kitchen.”
Zak looks up at me, grin in view, “Would you like me to stand on my head while I cut these for you?”
I form my features into a serious expression. “No, I wouldn’t want the knife to slip,” I pause and Zak smiles at me, “and cut the apples all crooked.” I try desperately to keep my expressions masked, but I can feel my lips starting to turn upwards. The look on his face is priceless and one of shock. I can no longer hold in my laugh and I let it go. Zak joins in with me.
“You’re funny, you know that?” he ask when our laughter dies down.
“At your service, I’m here all week.”
While Zak cuts the apples, I put together the ingredients for the top layer of crust. I cut them into strips and lay them flat onto some wax paper. I grab all of the ingredients for the filling of the pie and set them next to Zak.
“Mix all of this with the apples, it’s all measured out so just dump it all in the bowl and stir, then put it in the pie shell,” I tell him, sliding the empty pie shell to him.
“Aye-Aye Cap’n,” he says, while picking up the measuring cup and adding in the sugar.
“I’m going to get the macaroni and cheese started. When you have all of it mixed, can you put these strips, crisscrossing them, on the top of the pie?”
“Sure.”
I start making the macaroni and when I have everything ready to go into the aluminum casserole pan, I notice I forgot the shredded cheese for the top. I spin around to the refrigerator, slide open the drawer, and grab the packet. When I turn back around, I notice Zak’s back is to me. He is picking up the strips of dough, placing them on the pie in front of him. I finish the macaroni and cheese and turn around to set it next to the pie that Zak is assembling. I stop dead in my tracks, almost dropping the pan. Slowly I move forward and set the pan down, without even looking at where I am setting it. My eyes are focused on the pie sitting in front of Zak.
“For you,” he says, pushing the pie dish in front of me. Instead of crisscrossing the strips, Zak has made a row of strips and then formed a heart in the center of the pie with the remaining strips.
I’m speechless, all thoughts fleeing my mind, except one. The gesture is sweet, yet it scares me at the same time. I’ve been so content with the way things have been and this seems to be Zak’s way of telling me he wants to move forward another step. I could be overthinking it, but the feelings I keep trying to deny, that are growing stronger with every passing day, are telling me that I’m not. As the tears gather in my eyes, wanting to dip and fall over the brims, I do the only thing I can. I walk around the island and put my arms around Zak’s waist. He wraps his arms around me, placing a kiss to my temple and holds me while I let tears spill over. I collect myself, allowing the tears to dry and pull back but not completely out of Zak’s embrace.
“Thank you,” I say, the words so quiet I almost couldn’t hear them myself.
“You’re welcome.”
We finish getting everything made, baked, and packed up to go to Amy and Shane’s. I get Braxton ready to go while Zak loads the food in the car. We head out and I lock the door behind us. Braxton talks all the way to Amy’s house and it’s a good thing we don’t live that far from her or he may have just gone hoarse with all the yacking he does. Zak pulls the truck into the driveway, parking behind Amy’s car, and shuts the engineoff. Braxton runs to the door as soon as he is unbuckled, as usual, while I help Zak get the food out of the back seat.
Shane meets us at the door and takes some of the food from my hands, carrying it to the kitchen. I’m still holding the pie that Zak made in my hands and I set it down on the table with the rest of the desserts. I didn’t want to bring it, I wanted to keep it all for myself. Or maybe I wasn’t sure about what everyone would think about it. Zak had assured me that everyone already knew he was crazy about me, and before I could protest, he shut me up by sealing his lips to mine.
“What are you doing over here all by yourself looking lost?” I jump at the sound of Amy’s voice, putting my hand over my heart in an effort to calm the racing.
“You scared me.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah,” I look around the room, everyone else is busy doing their own thing and not paying us any attention. “Look at this,” I say, pulling the cover of the pie plate off revealing the heart shaped crust. Amy stares at the pie for a few seconds before turning back to me.
“Okay, so why is there a heart on the pie?”
“Zak made it. He came over this morning and helped me cook. He did the pie and when I saw it and he said it was for me, I didn’t know what to say.”
“That has to be the sweetest thing I have ever heard,” Amy says, her smile widening across her face.
“It is, but it scares me. I feel things for him that I don’t want to feel yet, so I hold myself back, not willing to risk being crushed again. Life hasn’t exactly been kind to me, ya know?”
“You can’t live your life in fear over something that may never even happen. You know that, right?” Amy ask, and I see a hint of worry in her eyes.
“I know, or at least I want to believe that. You know how my life has gone so far, it’s like there is a dark shadow that follows me, waiting in the wings for the next small piece of happiness I find just so it can surround all that’s good in its darkness and destroy it, right along with me.”
Amy pulls me to her and I wrap my arms around her, returning her hug.
“Don’t let it win, Anna. Don’t let fear destroy something that could be so beautiful for you before you even give it a chance to play out.”
We let go of each other and laugh when we hear Shane grumbling, rather loudly, about women and starving to death.
“Call everyone to the table, Shane,” Amy tells him and he does, yelling that it’s time to get our grub on. Men! Everyone piles into the kitchen, grace is said and then the plates are piled high with everything from turkey and dressing to potato salad and all the traditional thanksgiving foods. There’s a long table set up in the living room, since it’s too cold outside to eat and the kitchen table is dominated by all the platters and bowls of food. My parents along with Shane’s and Amy’s parents, all sit at one end of the table with the grandkids between them. The rest of us, mostly family, but some friends from Shane’s work as well, take our seats and everyone enjoys the meal and conversation.
Dinner’s over, the food cleared from the table, a football game is on the TV while everyone enjoys dessert. No one me
ntioned the heart on the pie, but only Amy, Zak, and I know who put it there and why. Amy’s words have been hovering in the back of my mind all night. Can I take that chance and let go of the fear, risk ruining my heart that’s been broken so many times before? I don’t know the answer to that, and so for now, I’ll just keep letting things be the way they are hoping that I don’t push Zak to the point of no longer having patience with me. On some level though, I think my head already knows what my heart refuses to admit, I’m already in too deep and it’d break now if he were to walk away.
Chapter Twenty-Six
December 25th, 2008
The pitter-pat of little feet wakes me from my sleep. Looking at the clock, I see that it is seven-thirty. Braxton slept longer than I thought he would for as hyper and excited for Santa as he was last night. I thought that kid would never go to bed. I push the blanket off of me and get out of bed just as Braxton runs into the room.
“Mommy, Santa! Let’s go see, Mommy!” he shouts while bouncing around the room.
“Okay, okay, we’re going.”
Braxton makes a beeline for the living room and the Christmas tree. There are wrapped and unwrapped gifts galore, it looks like a toy store exploded in my house. Braxton goes straight for the ride on Jeep and climbs in. Zak brought it over late last night after Braxton was asleep. He insisted that every little boy needed one and that he was getting Braxton his very own for Christmas. I tried to talk Zak out of spending so much on him, but he wouldn’t hear of it. While Braxton is busy with the Jeep, I get my cell phone from my room and then snap a few pictures. It’s still pretty early, so I send them to Zak in a text message. Minutes later, the phone rings.
“Merry Christmas, Zak,” I answer.
“Merry Christmas, Anna. I see Braxton likes his Jeep.”
“He won’t get out of it long enough to see what else he got.” Zak’s laugh trickles through the phone line, causing me to grin at the sound. He’s supposed to come over later when everyone else comes for dinner, but to be honest, I want him to enjoy this time with me now. “What are you up to this morning?” I ask.
“Nothing much, drinking a cup of coffee, talking to you.”
“Do you want to come over?”
“Are you sure?” he ask, there’s a hint of doubt in his voice.
“I’m sure.”
Zak makes it to the house half an hour later and shakes his head, the most beautiful grin on his face, when he sees Braxton has not moved from the Jeep.
When Braxton notices Zak, he forgets the Jeep at least for a minute, climbs out and runs to him. He stretches his arms up and Zak picks him up. Sadness rushes over me that Jacob isn’t able to do this for Braxton. He should be the one holding his son. I try to push the feelings away, but it’s hard to do. I’m glad that Braxton has someone that he can go to, that he trust and loves. I don’t want to be sad today.
“I’ll make us some coffee,” I tell Zak and turn toward the kitchen before he can notice the dysphoria that has come across me.
I take my time making the coffee trying to shake the despair I feel. It gets easier every day that gets ticked off of the calendar, however, it’s times like these when I miss Jacob the most. I know he wouldn’t want me upset, or swimming in the sea of my own self-pity. I take a deep breath and try to focus on what Jacob would want for me and Braxton and it helps to lessen the heartache.
“Need any help?” Zak says from the entryway of the kitchen. Forcing the remaining sadness away and out of my mind, I pick up the two cups in front of me and turn around, holding one out to Zak.
“Here you go.” Zak takes the cup I offer him.
“I think Braxton is ready for his other presents,” he says, offering a smile. Maybe I didn’t completely hide the sadness from earlier as I thought I had.
“It’s about time,” I say, letting out a soft laugh. I smile at Zak to ease any worry. It’s not him, it’s not his fault, it’s all me, Anna, and the fear that I cling to as if it will save me.
Returning to the living room, Braxton is digging through the gifts, scattering them across the floor.
“Brax, what are you doing?” I ask.
“Where’s mine?”
“Here, let me help you.” I pick up each gift one by one setting all of Braxton’s in front of him while placing the ones for everyone else back under the tree. “You can open them now.”
I don’t have to tell him twice. He goes to town tearing the paper and throwing it in all directions. “Maybe I should have brought a trash bag in here, he’s like a mini tornado,” I say through my laughter.
Braxton oooh’d and ahhh’d at every gift he opened only taking a few minutes to admire his new toys before moving on to the next. After he had them all opened, he set about trying to get them out of the boxes. Zak went over and helped him while I went and got a trash bag and started picking up the paper mess. I set the bag next to Zak once everything is picked up so that he can put the box trash in there, too. Finally, all of the toys are free and Braxton is entertaining himself.
I take a seat next to Zak, who is now on the couch watching Braxton, answering him with “that’s cool, buddy” or something similar every time he shows him a different toy. I’m watching Braxton when I feel something nudge my arm. I look over to Zak who is holding out an oblong box wrapped in white paper with candy canes. I move my eyes from the box up to his face.
“Merry Christmas, Sunshine,” he says, holding the box out for me to take.
“You didn’t have to get me anything,” I say, taking the box from his hand, my own hands shaking.
“I didn’t have to, I wanted to.”
I peel back the paper slowly, as if whatever is in the box will jump out and bite me if I go too fast. When I slide the lid off of the box, the most beautiful necklace is revealed. The gold heart shaped pendent is engraved with the letters J, A, L, and B written in an elegant script on the front. I pick up the necklace letting the chain fall through my fingers as I get a closer look at the heart. Flipping it over I read the words engraved on the back, With love, Zak.
I suck in a sharp breath. I am overwhelmed with emotions, a single drop of salt water slides down my cheek. This time though, it’s not from sadness or pain, it’s from pure unadulterated happiness. The fact that he would include Jacob warms my heart. Without thinking, I pull him to me, bringing his lips to mine in a slow, sweet, and tender kiss. Pulling back I look into his eyes, “Thank you, Zak. It’s beautiful.” I hand him the necklace and he gives me a puzzled look. “Can you put it on me?” He moves my hair to one shoulder, sliding the necklace into place, clasping it shut. His lips move along my neck following the path of the chain. I close my eyes in contentment and enjoy the feel of him exploring my neck. Too soon, his lips leave my neck and I sigh at the loss of contact.
I walk over to the tree and pick up the present for Zak. I wasn’t sure what to get him and I’m not sure he will like it, but it’s too late to turn back now. I hand him the box and he waste no time unwrapping it. When he pulls out the boots, branded with the Alabama Crimson Tide mark, I know he loves it. His smile is brilliant and reaches his eyes. He starts to take off the boots he currently has on making me question what he is doing.
“I’m putting these on. What did you think I was doing?” he ask, a sly grin in place.
“I wasn’t sure to be honest. I guess this means you like them?”
“Like them? I love them,” he says as he slides his feet into the boots.
“I didn’t know what to get you.”
“They are perfect.”
Zak keeps Braxton busy with his new toys while I start on making dinner. I cooked the turkey yesterday and prepped most of the food so that it just needed baked today. I hear the front door open and moments later, Amy is standing in the kitchen.
“Need a hand?” she ask.
“That’d be great. I don’t know what I was thinking doing all of this by myself. It’s a lot more work than I thought.”
“That’s why you have me. I�
��m like your hero or something.”
“Or something,” I say, then laugh at the pout on her face.
We work together getting the rest of the meal ready. It isn’t long before our family and friends show up, some placing gifts they brought under the tree, some trying to give them to Braxton. That’s a bad idea, he’ll open them whether or not they belong to him.
Dinner had been served and eaten and now everyone was in the living room sipping coffee or eggnog. My parents are on the love seat, Shane and Amy are on the floor with Braxton and Allie, Kolby, Paul, and Ronin brought in chairs from the kitchen and have them strategically placed throughout the living room, Amy’s parents are in the two recliners, and Zak and I were on the couch. The kids were getting anxious to open more presents and so Zak got up and was playing Santa passing the gifts out.
I look around and take in all of the people who are in my life and realize that I’m pretty lucky. My house is full, there is laughter, love, and friendship. After all of the pain, I still have a lot to live for. I have a lot to give to every single person here, especially my son. While I watch Zak, I notice all of the things that I like about him. His smile, his sense of humor, how he always treats Braxton as if he is his own son, and then I think of how he treats me. He gives me more than I deserve, more than I have ever given him, yet he never complains. I need to do some serious soul searching, I need to figure out where I see this going and if I have the ability within me to let the past go.
As I lay in bed, I give myself a moment to remember the past holidays spent with Lindsey and Jacob. I miss them, that part never changes. I don’t hurt as much now, at least not like I did and that makes me feel uneasy. Is the hurt supposed to go away? I allow every emotion to come out, dealing with each one the best I can, trying to understand them. I don’t want to be confused anymore. Maybe the best way is to just let things happen as they may and not worry about things that haven’t happened. The problem is, I’m still not sure how to do that. I close my eyes. The image of Zak when he gave me the necklace plays like a movie in the darkness and I fall into a peaceful sleep.
Finding Strength Page 15