Chapter Twenty-Seven
Present Day
Amy left a little while ago to attend a PTA meeting at the school. Braxton is out with my parents seeing the newest movie. Zak walks into the bedroom from the bathroom, towel around his waist, hair dripping, the droplets hitting his shoulders and running down his chest. I’ll never get tired of this view. He walks over to the side of the bed and sits on the edge next to me.
“How are feeling?” he ask.
“I’m a little tired, but otherwise, I’m okay.”
“Okay enough to go for a drive?”
“Where are we going?” I ask, wondering what he has up his sleeve.
“I thought we could go to the park, watch the sunset, just you and me.”
Zak drives us to the park. He pulls me close once we get out of the truck, keeping one arm around my back as he leads us to a bench that overlooks most of the park. The sun is slowly falling in the distance and with it, the colors come to life. We don’t talk, but there’s no need. We watch as the sun sinks further and further until it takes the last of the light with it behind the horizon.
I go back to bed once we return home. Zak lays beside me, one arm stretched above his head and his eyes are closed. I turn to my side facing him and glide my fingers along his chest and back down. Zak opens his eyes and I can see the question there. I reach over letting my hand rest on his ribcage and attempt to pull him closer to me. He gets the message and turns on his side, laying his arm over my waist.
“Are you sure?” he asks. Instead of answering him, I close the distance between our lips. I may be ill, but right now there is nothing more that I want than him. He takes him time, making sure that I am okay. His movements are slow but deliberate, and I can feel him everywhere. This isn’t about sex, this is about love, the connection that we have. Two hearts that were once destroyed, mended by something stronger than the both of us. I cherish every sound, every touch, and every kiss. Zak looks at me, our eyes conveying what words cannot as we fall over the edge of bliss together.
Zak had already left for work when I woke up. I don’t feel all that well, but I chalk it up to the events of last night. Amy took notice but I told her I was fine and not to worry. If she didn’t believe me, she didn’t say anything. She has her pen poised over the notebookand so my story continues.
February 13th, 2009
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and instead of going out on a romantic date, being wined and dined, Zak is having Braxton and me over for dinner. But for me, this is perfect. Our relationship has progressed, but I still hold back out of fear and out of guilt. A part of me wants to be able to let go and act on all of the feelings that I have for Zak, but there is also that part that refuses to let go of Jacob. It seems there is always an inner war, raging like an inferno, deep inside of me. It wears me out, drains me, and I want nothing more than make it all go away. Some days, everything seems to be moving along well, like I can breathe and just be, and others, well those days it’s a constant struggle to fight back against what my heart wants and what my mind knows I should do.
I have spent the entire day arguing with myself. Laying in the bed, I pull the covers over me and turn to my side. I’ve been trying to convince myself that it’s okay to let Jacob go. It is hard, especially when you were so wrapped up in each other. It’s like working to break a knot that you know is unbreakable, yet you keep trying anyways. Zak is a great guy, Amy was right about that. His patience with me seems never ending. I’m afraid though, that everyone has their limits, and one day, that patience will run out. I’ve worried about this a lot, it’s something I remind myself of every single day. It frustrates me that I can set my mind to move forward, into a future that has so many possibilities but, I can’t completely convince my heart to follow through.
I’ve tried picturing the future, where I see myself and Braxton in the years to come. Do I want more? Do I want to marry again someday? Am I strong enough to face those answers and if so, do something about whatever my decision will be? Why can’t I just move forward, what is it that keeps me tied to the past and so tightly entwined with Jacob? Why can I not realize the reality that he is gone, he’s never coming back? The one question that plagues me the most is am I willing to take the risk of facing another possible loss. All of these thoughts and emotions are exhausting, draining me of every ounce of energy I had. I close my eyes and pray that sleep comes quickly.
The morning light shines through the window, brightening the room. Even after a peaceful sleep, I still feel as if I could close my eyes and sleep a little longer. I get up, get dressed, and make my way to the kitchen for some much needed caffeine. Braxton comes into the kitchen just as the coffee is done brewing. I start on breakfast, making biscuits and gravy. Braxton notices the candy hearts I set out for him on the table.
“You have to wait until after breakfast for those,” I tell him. He doesn’t argue, which means he can’t be fully awake yet.
I pull into Zak’s driveway, my nerves are on full alert and it feels like there are a hundred butterflies in my stomach. After my internal war yesterday, and still no definite answers, I’m beyond nervous. I shouldn’t be, but I am. I climb from the truck and move around to the back passenger side to unbuckle Braxton. We walk to the front door, taking a breath, I raise my hand and knock. When Zak opens the door, all thoughts of yesterday scatter to the wind. He looks amazing. He has on Khaki pants that hang just perfectly on his hips and the green button down shirt matches the color of his eyes. His hair is unkempt in that sexy kind of way, and his smile could melt any woman’s heart.
“Hey, Sunshine. Come in.” He steps back allowing Braxton and I to enter.
“Hey, Zak.” I am at a loss for words, still trying to keep the drool to a minimum. We follow Zak into the living room.
“Make yourself at home. I’m going to finish dinner.” He turns and walks to the kitchen. Braxton is pulling on his bag, working to free it from my shoulder so that he can get to his toys. I set the bag down for him then take a seat on the couch. It’s only a few minutes before Zak returns asking us to come to the dining room.
There are three candles lit in the center of the table. I notice a booster chair in one of the seats and wonder when he went and bought it. Zak puts forth so much thought and effort into Braxton and me. I’m slowly realizing that everything he does, he does with us in mind. I know I have to figure things out, and soon. It’s not fair to either of us for me to continue holding back if there is no way for me let go of what’s keeping me from giving more. I watch as Zak helps Braxton into the booster seat, then takes the few steps to where I am standing, pulling out the chair in front of me, offering me the seat.
The food is amazing, flavors burst in my mouth bringing my taste buds to life. Zak prepared baked cod with mashed potatoes, green beans, and dinner yeast rolls. The conversation was flowing and Braxton was happily munching away on the food in front of him. I had a feeling come over me, one that I didn’t want to define but defined anyways. It felt like family, something I have missed and if I’m honest with myself, something I have longed for. I’m just afraid if I allow things to change any more than they have, that life will come along and rob me from the small piece of happiness I have found. That’s a risk I don’t know if I can take, or if I’m even willing to take.
We leave the dishes sitting on the table, Zak insisted that he would get them later. He leads us into the living room where he tells me to sit, pointing to the couch. He picks Braxton up and I watch as he carries him over to the fireplace. Braxton reaches out and picks something up, but I can’t make out what it is. When Zak sets him down, Braxton makes his way over to me. He places a small box in my lap then runs back over to Zak who quickly scoops him up again. I stare at the box. My heart rate picks up, breathing becomes difficult, and fear has overridden every other emotion in me, leaving me frozen in place.
Zak sits beside me on the couch. I can’t take my eyes off of the box on my lap. Zak reaches over and takes the box holding it
out to me. Slowly, I lift my hand, taking it from him.
“Open it, Anna.”
I lift my eyes to his and there is nothing but veracity looking back at me. I try to shake off the fear that has me in a vice grip, to no avail. I do however, manage to remove the lid of the box and instant relief floods me as I see the object inside. A bracelet with the infinity symbol is tucked neatly into the box, resting against the velvet bottom. I pull the bracelet out to examine it closer.
“Thank you, it’s stunning,” I say, bringing my eyes once again to Zak’s. He reaches out, resting the palm of his hand against my cheek, his eyes burning into mine.
“You’re welcome. I wanted to give you something to remind you that no matter how long it takes, or if this is all you can ever offer me, I’ll take it and I’ll always be here.”
A single tear slides down my face at his words. I lean into his hand, feeling the warmth of his skin.
Later that night, in the quiet of my room, I sat on my bed looking at the bracelet. I let Zak’s words from earlier play on repeat in my mind. All of the fear I felt didn’t come from being with him, it came from the thought of losing him, not by some freak accident or intentional act, but from my heart that still refuses to acknowledge feeling something other than guilt over moving on without Jacob. I know I’ll have to make a decision and soon. That’s one bridge I’m not looking forward to coming to.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
July 4th, 2009
Spring flew by this year and now the summer is halfway over. The annual Fourth of July cookout is in full swing at Shane and Amy’s house. It took me a while, but I finally had come to the realization that no, there was no way I wanted to lose Zak. I began putting in more of an effort to show him that he meant something to me, that he was more than a friend. I opened up more about how he made me feel and our relationship grew stronger, closer. I still had not told him that I loved him, truth of the matter was, I wasn’t sure. Even with all that I feel for him, guilt still has its claws buried deep within me.
True to his word though, Zak has never pressed the issue and he is still by my side. I can tell what he feels for me has changed, I see it in the way he looks at me, feel it in the tenderness of the touch of his hands when he guides me into a room. When he kisses me, the air in the room feels different, light and sensual. Sometimes I feel as if it’s too much, and other times, I almost feel as if this is just how it’s supposed to be, confusing as it may seem. I don’t have as many days where the guilt gets me down. That’s changed for me and it took a lot of effort to get to this point.
Amy sits in the chair next to me, bringing me back from my thoughts.
“Have you seen the massive pile of fireworks the guys bought?”
“No, but knowing them, we’ll be out here all night,” I laugh. Shane and Zak get more excited than the kids when it comes to holidays. Of course this one allows them to play with explosives, typical boys.
Zak walks over to us, both Allie and Braxton following closely behind.
“Stay with your moms and watch the show,” he says, then throws a wink in my direction before heading back over to where Shane is waiting.
The fireworks were beautiful and the kids jumped up down, clapping at each new one that burst over the sky. As each one explodes, I think about how short life is. In a sense of time, we are only here for a short while, the beauty of our life comes in the middle of everything we do and those we touch around us, fading out to nothing at the end. It’s not the ending people remember, but those years in between the beginning and ending that memories are the strongest, the ones we hold closest to us.
The next day I spend cleaning the house. Braxton is now five and we only have a few more weeks before he starts school. I’m one nervous wreck about it, too. Where did the time go? I’m going through all of his clothes in his room when I hear the front door open. Amy bounds into Braxton’s room a few moments later.
She takes one look at the mess and ask me what I am doing.
“Going through Brax’s clothes. I need to get rid of the stuff that doesn’t fit to make room for his school clothes.”
“I can’t believe he is starting this year. Have you thought about what you are going to do?” she ask.
I know she’s asking if I plan on staying home or if I will return to work.
“I’ve given it a lot of thought and I need something to keep me busy or I’ll just sit here and go crazy. I talked to Theresa at the floral boutique shop I use to work at and I start back there the day after school starts.”
“That’s good. I’m happy for you.” Amy sits down in the mess next to me and helps me sort all of the clothes I have pulled out of the dresser.
“Can I ask you something?” I ask her.
“Of course.”
“Have you noticed any changes in Zak?”
“No, why?”
“Well, I noticed the way he looks at me has changed and other things, too.”
“Is that a bad thing, Anna? All I see when he looks at you is love. Anyone can see that.”
“I don’t know. I don’t think it’s bad, I just feel like I am cheating him out of happiness, real happiness, with someone who can give him all of her.”
“You can give him all of you, if you wanted to.”
“Amy, it’s not that simple.”
“It is that simple, at least from where I stand. I don’t know all of what you deal with, Anna. I do know that you torture yourself over guilt you shouldn’t feel and that’s not fair to you or to Zak. I can’t tell you what to do, if that’s what you’re looking for. I can tell you, though, that you should really think about what it is you want from him and why you can’t let Jacob go, or Zak for that matter.”
I ponder over what Amy said. She always puts things to me just the way that they are, no sugar coating anything. I finally come to the conclusion that I must, not just for Zak, but for myself, put every effort into overcoming the remaining feelings of guilt. If there was some way for Jacob to let me know that what I am doing is right, I wish he would show me. Maybe then I could finally, once and for all, live my life with no restrictions and nothing holding me back.
August 5th, 2009
It’s Braxton’s first day of Kindergarten. He’s excited and I, well, I’m a mess. No one ever prepares you for the big moments in your kid’s life, this being one of them. He’s not a baby anymore, he’s growing up and that makes me feel a sense of happiness but also a sense of apprehension. I know he’ll do fine. I walk him to class, reluctant to leave, and he places his back pack in the cubby hole. He hugs me bye then takes a seat at a table next to a little girl with long brown hair. It doesn’t take him long to start talking to her. I might be in trouble when he gets older. I watch for just a few seconds more before turning and leaving the school.
I make it home without crying, but that soon changes when I wonder around the quiet house. It’s too quiet and I’m definitely not use to this. I let the tears fall, wiping them away before they can drop from my chin. I know that tomorrow will be better, but for now, I allow myself to cry.
I picked up Braxton from school that afternoon and the entire way home, he filled me in on all of his new friends, what they did today, and how much he liked it. I can be grateful for that since some kids hate school from the time they start to the time they graduate. I’ll take his happiness over that any day. I made him a snack once we got home and then put a movie on for him to watch. Amy called asking about his day and so I recounted all of the stories that Braxton told me earlier. She’s dreading next year when Allie starts school and I tell her a little white lie, it’s not as bad as she makes it out to be. Knowing I felt like she feels just this morning.
Zak called just as I was getting ready for bed, wishing me good luck for tomorrow. It’s been a few years since I have worked. I miss it, but I loved being a stay at home mom. A lot of things are changing and I’m making good on my promise to give him as much of me as I can. I still worry that one day it won’t be enough, but for
now, I’m selfishly holding on with all of my might.
Braxton is at school and I am now back at work. The first hour was a little nerve wracking, but I quickly got back into the swing of things. This was something that I once loved to do and I’m finding it’s still a passion of mine. It may not be a big time career choice, but I enjoy making bouquets and interacting with the customers.
I am exhausted by the time I get off work and get Braxton home. I make a quick dinner of tuna salad and chips. When dinner is over, I bathe Braxton and get him dressed for bed. I read while he plays in the floor with his cars until time for him to go to sleep. An hour later, I close the book, then gather up my son taking him to his room. I get him tucked in and then read him a story before he falls asleep. I kiss his cheek and then take myself to bed. It doesn’t take long for me to succumb to my exhaustion.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Present Day
I’ve felt really good today and so Amy and I are going to go out to eat for lunch with the rest of the gang. I get dressed while Amy waits outside the bedroom door. When I finish, I lead the way into the living room, Amy hovering right behind me so close that if I were to stop suddenly, we’d both be on the floor. I let out a giggle as the image of us laying in a mangled pile flashes in my mind. Zak, Braxton, my parents, Shane, and Allie are all in the room when I enter. Zak comes up to me, pulling me close to him.
“What’s so funny?” he ask, then places a kiss to my brow.
“I was just thinking that if Amy followed any closer we’d both be a mass of tangled limbs in the floor.” I say, grinning.
Finding Strength Page 16