“Mommy, look!” he says, shoving a car with lights that flash in front of my face.
“That’s cool, buddy. Where did you get that?”
“Zak gave it to me,” he says, then turns around to play with the car on the floor.
Amy walks over dropping a bag next to me on the floor. I lean over to get a look at what’s in there. There, inside the bag is a massive amount of cars, trucks, and what looks like buildings that would make an entire toy city.
“They’re all from Zak,” Amy says, sliding down on the couch beside me. I look over to her, my eyes burning into hers, willing her to answer the question that is on my mind, surely on display across my face. “Yes, he asked how you were doing,” she says, reading my thoughts.
“Is he okay?” I inquire.
“Anna, I’m not gonna lie, as much as he tried to hide it, his heart is broken. He looks lost.”
“I wish there was a quick and easy fix to this. I wish I knew what I was doing and God knows I wish I had the strength to do whatever it is that I am supposed to be doing.”
“You better figure it out before you destroy both of you.” Amy stands from the couch and takes a few steps toward the door before turning back to me. “There’s a swing set at the house that is for Braxton. Shane will be over sometime this week to put it up for him.”
I watched as she walked out of the door, leaving me to assimilate the information given to me. I’m pretty sure I know where the swing set came from because had it been from Amy, I would have known about it before now. Of course, I wasn’t really paying attention to everything yesterday, but that’s not likely something I would have missed. A black cloud of darkness, the same one that follows me around, filled with sadness and something akin to regret overcome me, touching every part of my mind. Tears burn and then drop from my eyes. Pulling my knees to my chest, I drop my head and let the hurt, sorrow, and self-pity that I brought on not just myself, but those around me fall with each droplet of water.
Chapter Thirty-One
January 29th, 2010
It’s been just over a month since I have seen Zak. I’ve made no headway with finding a resolution although I have tried. It seems trying is all I do. I have made such a mess of everything. I can’t even feel sorry for myself anymore. I haven’t seen Zak, since the day I forced him to walk away. I sent him a few text to ease my mind, all of which he answered but never pried into more than casual conversation. Fear gripped me tighter with each text and with each passing day. I missed Zak with a fierceness that was beyond understanding. I didn’t know just how much until he wasn’t there for me to talk to. I miss the feel of his lips, soft and warm yet commanding on my own. I miss his strong arms always wrapping me into his comforting embrace providing me with a blanket of security. It’s amazing the things you realize after you let them go.
I make a mug of hot tea, drop in a spoonful of sugar and a little cream and make my way outside to the patio and into the chaise lounge. Staring up at the sky, the sun just starting it’s decent, I think back to when I lost Lindsey. How did I make it through that? How was it I was strong enough to forge ahead? The answer to both was the one person who is no longer here but still holds me captive. Jacob.
The memories of our time together flash through my head, slowing to a crawl as I remember the day Jacob was brutally taken from me. I allow myself to feel the pain for just a brief moment and then force my thoughts ahead in time. The more I remember after that day, the more I see it was Amy, once again, picking up the pieces of my life, helping me to keep my focus and be the person Braxton needed me to be, the mom he so desperately needed. Closing my eyes, another memory plays like a script from paper come to life behind the veil of my eyelids.
Soon the question of how I made it to where I am today makes itself known. I suck in a breath as the realization washes over me, giving me a renewed sense of hope. The answer was there in front of me all along just waiting for me to really open my eyes and see it. I know what it is that I must do. I just have to find the courage that I know exist somewhere inside of me. I have to find the strength to cut the tethers that have held me to the past.
I watch as the last of the light fades and the stars begin to dot the sky. I watch the moon rise into the black sky, casting a soft glow over the trees. Pushing myself up out of the chair, I take my mug to the kitchen and set it in the sink. The ceramic clinks against the metal of the basin breaking the silence. The clock on the stove reads just after nine. Braxton is staying the night at Shane and Amy’s house. I hate being away from him, but needed the space it provided for me to try and get things in order. Luckily, I now know what it is I need to do to put the pieces of the lives I have broken, back into place.
The weekend passes in a blur, and soon it’s Monday morning. I dropped Braxton off at school a half hour ago and now I am sitting in my car, heat on full blast, in front of the cemetery. It’s time, yet I find it hard to move from the warmth. I’m scared, distressed, and my heart is heavy, knowing what I came here to do. I cut the engine off, taking the keys and sliding them into the pocket of my coat, open the door and as if in slow motion, I step out of the car.
The wind is bitter and instantly chills my face. I pull my coat closer together in an attempt to keep the winter wind out and the remaining warmth from the heater in. Looking to my left, I see my destination. Just go, Anna. I think to myself and then begin the trek up the path to the two stones that rise from the ground. With every step, my nerves become alive, highlighting the fear that is built up inside of me. The chill from the air causing my breath to fan out in front of me like a fine cloud before disappearing.
I stop in front of the two granite stones, each bearing the name of two of the people whom I loved most in this world.
Lindsey Elaine Mitchell.
Beloved daughter.
Gone but not forgotten.
I run my fingers over the words carved in the dark gray stone bearing my daughter’s name. “I love you, Lindsey.” I move to the stone alongside of her. I sit down on the cold, hard ground just between them both. I read the words staring back at me willing the tears to remain at bay.
Jacob Michael Caulder
Loving husband. Devoted Father.
Forever in our hearts.
Placing my palm over Jacob’s name, I bow my head and ask God above for one final push of strength.
My hand is trembling, as well as the rest of my body and it’s not all from the cold of the winter day. I bring my eyes up to once again rest on Jacob’s name, allowing my hand to slide down to the ground just below the headstone. Pulling in a lungful of the icy air, I hold it in for a few moments before slowly letting it out.
“Hi, Jacob. I know it’s been a while since I have been here to see you. It’s still hard. Doing this without you is never what we had planned, but I guess life doesn’t always work out that way. I need to tell you something. I’m not sure if you can even hear me, but I have to tell you anyway. I met someone, Jacob. I think you would like him. I’m scared, terrified really, of letting you go. I’ve held on to you for so long, afraid of moving on in a world you no longer share with me.” I take a moment to collect my thoughts and then continue on.
“I realize now that’s not what you would want me to do, to continue to live in the past. So, I’m here, taking that first step at saying ‘see you later’. It’s never good-bye, Jacob. There’s no way for me to completely let you go. I love you too much. There is room, however, for me to let Zak in. To give him all of me that remains here on earth. He knows all about you. He knows that I still love you, that I always will, yet, he understands. He told me once that he isn’t trying to take your place; that he only wants to be able to take care of me and love me the way you would have done. I’m going to let him, Jacob. I love him. Maybe you sent him to me, or maybe you’re not happy about this. I just wish I knew if you approve of this, if you want me to move on.”
Hearing the call of a bird from above, I glance up at the sky. There against the clear blue ba
ckground is a hawk with his wings spread wide, soaring above. His massive wings guiding the beautiful bird in the wind. The hawk circles me overhead as I sit at Jacob’s grave, no once but twice before breaking for the tree line, one final cry riding the wind. And then he’s gone. I sit in stunned silence, eyes fixed to the spot where the bird disappeared. A slow smile begins to break across my face.
I turn back to Jacob’s headstone, running my fingers once again over the deep engraving of his name. “Thank you, Jacob. Thank you for showing me the way, for letting me know it’s okay. I know what I have to do now.” Pausing, I reach up, wiping the tears that have begun to fall and roll slowly down my cheeks, attempting to make their way to the ground.
“I love you, Jacob. I always will. It’s not good-bye, only see you later. For now, I’m letting you go until I see you again. Take care of Lindsey and always tell her I love her. Until then.”
I place a kiss onto my cold fingers before placing them over Jacob’s name. I do the same for Lindsey before whispering one last I love you. With my head held high, I walk with a new purpose toward a future that doesn’t look so dark anymore. It’s time to offer Braxton the best life possible, one where he has his mother truly living, truly happy, and no doubt, truly loving again.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Present Day
This week has been great, to say the least. I have felt better each day. It seems my strength is coming back, little by little. I have been able to do more, get out more, and for now, I can get up and down and walk without much assistance. Which, in itself is great and keeps the hovering duo, Zak and Amy, at a distance every time I move. My parents have gone back home. They left yesterday with promises of visiting soon. They had things they needed to take care of and so they had to get back. The days are quiet, which is great while I work diligently to finish the keepsake diary for Braxton. Zak continues to work during the day, while Braxton has returned to school.
“Hey lady!” Amy calls as she enters the house.
“Hey, in the kitchen,” I say through a smile. Amy saunters in and a takes a seat on a stool at the island.
“You feeling okay today?” she ask, over protective friend that she is, always worrying even if there is no reason.
“I am actually. You want some coffee?” I ask, taking a mug from the cabinet above the coffee maker.
“Sounds good. Are we working in here today?” she ask, noting the notebook and pen laying on the counter top.
“I thought maybe we could sit outside. It’s really nice today and I want to feel the sun on my skin.” I slide the cup over to her, which she takes and promptly brings the cup to her lips taking a sip of the delicious, brown, steaming liquid.
The sun is beaming, bright and warm heating my skin. I get so caught up in the small things that I took for granted. I bask in the warmth and close my eyes for a moment, only opening them when Amy’s voice breaks through my reverie.
“You ready to start?”
“Absolutely.”
February 1st, 2010
I didn’t go straight to find Zak when I left the cemetery, instead I went home to clean up first. Zak is at work anyways and I rather do this where we don’t have an audience. I called Amy and asked her to pick up Braxton today explaining that I had something important to take care of. She didn’t ask questions, but did make me promise that I was okay and that I would tell her later. I agreed to both.
I turned on the facet in the bathtub adding salts to the water, the lavender fragrance filling the room, the aroma relaxing and calming to my nerves. I know what I want, but am I too late? I push the thought from my mind, determined I will do whatever it takes to make this right. I slide beneath the warm water, lean back and close my eyes. I took my time soaking in the tub, only getting out when the water was chilled and my skin was wrinkled from being water logged. Grabbing the robe off of the hook, I slide it on. I search my closet for something to wear, finding my navy blue sweater and my black skirt that fits tight around my hips and flows out around my knees. Both had been buried in the back of my closet along with my clear pumps that reminded me of the ones Cinderella wore when she found her prince.
After getting dressed, I took extra time styling my hair and applying my make-up to perfection. Not too heavy, but not so light that you couldn’t tell I was wearing it. I was pleased with the results and for the first time since Jacob was murdered, I actually felt absolutely and positively, one hundred percent alive. I felt happy and my heart felt a lot lighter. The weight that I had been carrying around, holding on to so tight that it seemed to crush me, was lifted. I didn’t feel the dread or fear the darkness any longer. I felt as if I had found a new sense of freedom.
I waited until almost time for Zak to get home from work before leaving the house. I didn’t call him, but I did send him a text asking if he was going home or somewhere else after he got off work. That was a bit tricky since I didn’t want to give away the fact that I was coming over. I think I managed it okay without creating a whole lot of suspicion, at least, I hope I did. He probably thinks Amy is bringing Braxton by to see him.
I pulled my truck into Zak’s driveway just after he did. He was just getting out of his truck when I put mine into park. I sat there for just a minute trying to tame the tenets of butterflies that have taken up residence in my chest and stomach. I take in Zak’s handsome features and how my body reacted to just the sight of him. Every part of me is awake and alive, tingling and itching to feel his lips on mine. The fear that he may not want me anymore makes its presence known, but I quickly dispel it. I won’t give up that easily. Of course, that’s easy to do while sitting in the safety and comfort behind the steering wheel.
Zak didn’t move from his position of standing beside his truck other than to close the driver’s door. His eyes showing a hint of excitement but asking silent questions across the distance between us as well. Since he asked me to marry him, I withdrew from him. Too afraid to face my heart, my feelings, and not yet wanting to let go of Jacob. I’m sure Zak is curious about my unannounced visit. We’ve not seen each other since then, just the few and far between text messages. Everything changed from our daily calls and visits that we had before. But tonight, tonight that all changes. I’m ready to offer him what he deserves from me, my heart.
I’m not as much nervous as I am afraid that I may have distanced myself too much, afraid that he may have changed his mind. I can no longer keep these fears held back and they push to the forefront of my mind. Grabbing the door handle, I pull back and the door pops open. I say a silent prayer and whisper into the quietness of the truck cab, “Here goes nothing.”
“Hey, Anna. You look beautiful,” he says, not taking his eyes off of me as I make my way to closer and stop just in front of him.
“Thank you.” I give him a real smile, no effort, no forcing it, just a true, honest, smile.
Zak leans down and I can sense his hesitation. I keep my smile in place and wait until he places a soft kiss to my cheek. I take the opportunity to breathe him in. The spicy scent of his cologne mixed with the smell of cedar wood, unique to Zak, calms the butterflies to light flutters.
“What brings you by? Is everything okay?” he asks. I can see the alarm as it flashes across his features. I feel a deep urge within me to reach out and pull him to me, erasing any fear he may have, but I stand planted to my spot.
“I haven’t seen you in a while, and I really need to talk to you. Can we go inside?” I ask.
“Umm, okay,” Zak says, his voice still unsure. No longer able to resist the urge to touch him, and wanting to set his mind at ease, at least a little, I take hold of his hand as we walk to the steps of his porch. He doesn’t pull away, rather he gives my hand a small squeeze. I take a breath, relieved by this gesture.
Once inside, Zak leads me into his living room. Turning to face me, he keeps hold of my hand, his eyes finding mine and captures me in their depths.
“Would you like something to drink?”
“That’d b
e great, thank you.”
Zak pulls his gaze from mine, releasing me from their power and I watch his graceful movements as he walks into the kitchen. He returns a few minutes later with two glasses of sweet tea.
“Please, make yourself at home,” he says as he takes a seat on the sofa and motions for me to do the same. I sit down and turn my body toward him. My throat has suddenly gone dry, so I take a sip of the tea before setting the glass on the coffee table in front of me.
There’s no better way to do this than to just dive in head first and hope that my words make sense when they come out. Like ripping a bandage off of a healed wound. I bring my eyes to his, willing the truth of my feelings to be seen thoroughly from the deepest part of my soul. I need him to know that what I am about to tell him, I mean with every single fiber of my being.
“Zak, I fought for so long against the feelings you brought to life in me. Things I had not felt in such a long time, suddenly awakened in your presence and I didn’t know what to do with them. My heart was Jacob’s. That’s how it was supposed to be. At least in my mind it was. I know now that life doesn’t always go as planned, and me more than anyone should have learned that from everything I have already been through.”
Zak’s eyes never leave mine. He reaches over and takes my hand in his, the feeling of his calloused skin scraping against my palm sends an all-encompassing feeling of comfort and calm over me. He interlaces our fingers and I tighten my grip, afraid that if I let go, I’ll lose the feeling that is coursing through my veins.
Finding Strength Page 18