“That would be a sight,” he says.
“Everyone ready?” Amy says, walking around me and over to the side table, getting her purse. Everyone agrees and we all head outside.
We pull into the parking lot of a new restaurant that just opened a few weeks ago, Crack ‘N Shack, and word around town is they have some of the best seafood this side of the Mississippi. The hostess seats us and soon our order is placed. The atmosphere is light, and there are several conversations going all at once. We share stories and laughs. I have missed being able to do this. Sometimes I just don’t feel well enough to do much more than breathe, so this is a nice reprieve. When the food is served, the conversation slows down as everyone enjoys their meal.
As we are walking out of the restaurant, Braxton notices a flyer pinned to a cork board in the foyer, he stops to read it.
“The fair is here, can we go?” he ask, you can already see the excitement bubbling in his eyes.
Zak looks at me giving a questioning glance.
“Do you feel like going, Anna?”
“You guys should go. I’m going to just go back to the house and work some more on, well, you know. Amy, you can go with them if you want.” Braxton doesn’t yet know what it is that I am working on and I’d like to keep it that way. One never knows what tomorrow holds and that’s something we are never promised.
“I’ll go with you, Anna. Shane and Allie can go to the fair with you, Zak.”
Amy and I head in the direction of my house while the others all make their way to the fair on the other side of town. I look over to my best friend thinking how lucky I have been to have her in my life.
“You could have gone with them,” I tell her. I feel sometimes she is missing so much of her own life by taking the time to help me get my story onto paper.
“It’s okay, I’m not missing much. Besides, I would rather help you than to go lose my lunch on some ride.” A giggle escapes me, she has a way with words. “What? That was some of the best shrimp scampi I have ever eaten, I’d rather keep it in me and not know what it taste like coming back up.”
“I could have done without that information, Amy,” I say, scrunching up my face in mock disgust.
“Well, it may have been TMI, but it was the truth.”
Amy turns some music on low after we got everything set up in the living room. We decided to work in here since it will be a while before the others get back. Amy sits down at the other end of the couch placing a bowl of miniature Reece’s cups between us. I raise my eyebrow at her and she tells me they are there just in case we need them.
“I think I’m going to jump ahead a little. I know every part of my life was important but nothing really exciting happened from where we left off until Christmas. I want Braxton to know the most memorable parts of my time here.”
“That’s fine. It’s your story, Anna. You tell it how you see fit.”
December 24th, 2009
There are twinkling lights draped from the ceiling and white candles in the center of every table. The Christmas tree is decorated with white lights and red glass balls. Christmas music fills the huge room and floats in the air spreading the spirit of the holidays. This is the first year that the company Shane and Zak works for has thrown a Christmas party, and they definitely went all out. All of the traditional foods were served for dinner and there is a huge table set up with just about every desert imaginable. There is a dance floor in the center of the room, the tables defining the outline of the space.
The music changed from carols to a soft romantic tune, opening up the dance floor. Zak stands and offers his hand. “May I have this dance?” he ask, and I place my hand in his. He leads me out onto the dance floor pulling me close with one arm around my waist, the other clasping my hand and pulling it against his chest between us. I can feel his heartbeat against my hand. He sways us back and forth and when the song is over, I start to turn to go back to our table. Zak has other plans and pulls me against him once again just as John Legend’s All Of Me starts to play.
We finish the dance and return to our seats. The air has shifted yet again, but I can’t put my finger on the feeling surrounding me. I do my best to focus on the party the rest of the night, but something is off. Worry starts to consume me, and I start to think maybe something is wrong with Braxton. My parents are with him at Shane and Amy’s house while we attended tonight and I’m sure they would have called if something was wrong. I try to shake the feeling but it refuses to leave me.
Zak must have noticed and asked if I was okay. I told him I was tired, not wanting to cause him to worry as well. He asked if I wanted to go ahead and go home, and since the party was coming to end soon anyways, I agreed. We didn’t speak much in the car and when I looked at Zak he seemed to be nervous, on edge. I wanted to ask him about it but thought it would be best not to. I certainly couldn’t explain the feelings I was feeling and didn’t want to chance him bringing it up.
When we made it to my house, I turned to Zak and asked, “Aren’t we going to get Braxton?”
“I thought maybe we could talk first. There’s something I need to tell you.”
That feeling from before only increased to an almost unbearable pressure, sitting heavy on my chest. This is it, I thought, he has finally reached the breaking point and I’m going to lose him.
“Okay,” I stuttered out. Zak opened his door and got out of the truck, making his way around to me. He opened my door, helped me out and escorted me to the front door. I fished around for my keys, dropping them twice back into my purse before finally pulling them out and unlocking the door.
“Do you want something to drink?” I asked, in hopes of stalling the inevitable.
“No, thank you. Come, sit down with me.” He lowers himself down on the couch and pats the spot beside him. I slowly make my way to him and sink down onto the cushion. Every nerve ending in my body is like a live wire. My hands are shaking and my breathing is uneven. I try to compose myself, not wanting to give away what I am feeling.
“Anna,” he starts and I bring my eyes up to meet his. The green so clear, the kind you would see in the waters off the coast of some tropical island. “Ever since I met you, my life has been different, in a good way. You have made me feel things I have never felt, want things I never knew to want, and you have brought more light to my life than I knew existed. There’s something I think you already know, but I want you to hear. I love you, Anna.”
I sit there, and as his words sink in, panic begins to rise in me. I knew this day would come, the bridge that I was hoping to never have to cross but knew that one day I would. That day is now, and I’m scared to death. I don’t know what to say, all of my thoughts are jumbled, so I remain quiet.
“I didn’t say them before because I knew you weren’t ready to hear them. From the look on your face, you’re not sure if you’re ready now, but I know you, Anna. I would never say or do anything to hurt you, but I want you to know that I’m in love with you and have been for a while now.”
The look of hope fades from his eyes as I stand and walk across the room. Zak stands and walks over to me. Taking my silence as his cue, he steps in front of me. He takes my hands in his own, the warmth from them instantly traveling up my arms. His next words shock me to my very core.
“Marry me, Anna,” he says, his eyes so focused and so serious, begging, pleading, and filled with hope that I might agree.
Looking down at the floor as I answer, I whisper, “Zak, I can’t.”
Zak moves closer to me, leaving no space between us, he drops my hands and slides his arms around me. I can feel his heart beating against my chest, my own pounding out an unhealthy rhythm in return.
“Marry me. I’m not going to stop asking until you say yes. I don’t care if I have to ask you every day until forever, I won’t give up.” His breath caresses my neck, the heat from his whispers creating goose bumps that continue to spread across my skin. I try to pull back out of his hold, but Zak only pulls me closer, if that’
s possible.
I lean my head against his chest, not wanting to look in his eyes. “I love you, Zak, but I can’t marry you. You deserve better,” my voice muffled by the fabric of his shirt. Zak pulls back so fast and I look up at him, he locks his eyes on mine. They are curious and questioning.
“What?” he ask. I think back to what I told him, ready to repeat my words when I realize what I have just said.
I love you, Zak.
I bring my hand up to my mouth, covering it. I think I have went into shock, frozen in place by the reality of what I am forced to face. I have never allowed my heart to admit what my mind must have already known, but my heart just spoke. I love him. I don’t know when it happened or even how, but when I allow my heart to open up, even to myself, I feel it, and I know it. I love him more than just a friend, I’m in love with him. Admitting it to myself, I know it’s true.
Stepping right in front of Zak, I snake my arms around his neck. I bring our faces within inches of each other, feeling our breaths mingle. As scared as I am to voice it out loud, I straighten my spine, look directly into his eyes as I tell him what my heart has been trying to deny all along.
“I love you, Zak. I was terrified to admit it to myself, much less to you. I don’t want to be afraid to love you anymore.”
“You have no idea how long I have wanted to hear those words from you. You don’t have to be afraid, Anna. You never have to be afraid of telling me anything. I love you, and I love Braxton as if he were my own.”
Zak closes the distance between our faces, bringing his lips to mine. This kiss is different, maybe because I have finally allowed myself to accept the truth. As Zak runs his tongue slowly across my bottom lip, I allow him the access he is searching for. Opening my mouth for his tongue to meet mine in a lover’s dual, soft and slow, even so, he dominates the kiss.
It’s been so long since I have felt this level of comfort and love of a man. I have guarded my heart, trying to protect it from anymore hurt, placing a wall I thought was solid and impenetrable around it. But Zak broke through that untouchable barrier. He found a place inside me and burrowed so deep, leaving his own tattoo on my heart.
Zak’s lips leave mine, I cling to him trying to pull him back to me. I don’t want to lose the connection between us. I want another taste of his lips. Instead, he moves his lips to my ear.
“Marry me, Anna,” he says once again. I move back just enough so I can see his face.
“I need time, Zak. Please, just give me some time. I have to sort this out and I can’t do that when I’m around you. I’m sorry.” I know it’s not what he wants to hear, but I can’t just jump into this, not when I have only just now allowed myself to acknowledge that I’m in love with him. And then there’s my ever present connection to Jacob, whom I still haven’t figured out how to let go of.
“Take all the time you need. I know you’re scared, maybe even petrified, and that’s okay. Believe me, I understand after everything life has handed you. I’ll give you some space. Just know that I will be waiting, always.” He steps back and lets his arms drop to his side. “I love you,” he says, then turns and walks away.
I stand there, too stunned to move. What did I just do? I saw the pain in his eyes, the rejection, put there by me. I know he is doing just what I asked him to do, give me time, but I’m not sure if that’s really what I want. It’s Christmas, and I have undoubtedly just ruined it. I sink down onto the sofa, rubbing my temples at the building headache. I have to process this, sort it all out in my mind, and try to unscramble the mess and chaos inside my head. I know I can’t say yes to him while I am still so confused and scared, and not when I am still holding on to Jacob. He doesn’t deserve just a part of me, even though, he knew that was what I was offering. When and if I say yes, it will be when I can give my entire self to him. I just don’t know when that will be.
Chapter Thirty
December 25th, 2009
On what is supposed to be a day of family and celebration, presents, food, and happiness, there is a sadness, thick and heavy hovering over me. I can’t seem to focus on the goings on around me. Amy has left me be to sulk in the despair I have created for myself. I can’t say that I blame her. I don’t blame her. She felt that I shouldn’t have pushed Zak away, but instead tried to work through this with him. She doesn’t understand that I can’t do that or how my mind goes to mush and all thoughts only resume when I am not around Zak and I need my coherent thoughts to make sure I do what is best for me and Braxton. I sit alone in a chair in the corner of the living room, mindlessly watching my family and friends, not really seeing what’s right in front of me.
Just as I am about to step through the door out into the cold, brisk air, going home, Amy grabs my arm to spin me around to her. “You need to fix this, Anna. I haven’t seen you like this since,” her voice fades away. I know since when and there is no need for her to remind me.
“You don’t have to say it. I don’t know what to do, Amy. I want to run after him and throw caution to the wind and just say the heck with it, grabbing on to everything he makes me feel. But, I can’t, because as soon as the sun sets and I’m alone, all thoughts of Jacob come crashing down on me. I have yet to figure out how to make it stop, how to say good-bye when I never wanted to say it in the first place. I’ve ruined everything and I’m afraid there is nothing I can do to fix it if I can’t even manage to make myself believe I’m not betraying Jacob.”
“I can’t tell you how to fix it. What I can tell you is that Zak loves you. He’s hurting right now, just as much as you are.”
“How do you know that?” I ask, bewildered by her admission.
“He called Shane last night to let him know that he wasn’t coming today. It took a good bit of fast talk to get Zak to admit what was going on, but he finally did. All I’m asking from you is to please search your heart, every single dark corner and really look deep inside of you for the right answer. You’ve been happier than I have seen you in a long time and there’s a reason for that. You look close enough, you may just see who has brought that part of you back to life.”
Braxton’s in bed sleeping soundly after a very exciting day for him. Me on the other hand, well, I can’t shut my mind off. Too many thoughts are racing around in my brain, keeping sleep just out of my reach. I feel as if I am on a dirt track racing for my life, around and around, with no finish line that can be crossed. There are too many questions to be answered and try as I may, no solutions are forthcoming. The quiet doesn’t seem to help me at all, only adding to the disarray and chaos, silently edging me further from the truths that lie within me.
As the dawn breaks, my eyes have yet to close and none of my questions have been answered. I seem to have hit a brick wall, one that refuses to be torn down. I can’t find a way around it, no matter how hard I try. I know that I love Zak and I know that he does bring me happiness but, I also know that the tethers that hold me to Jacob are so strong, like corded wire, seemingly unbreakable. I push the covers down, the force causing them to fall to the floor. Sighing, I climb from the bed and make my way to the bathroom. Maybe a shower will disperse some of the fog from my head, giving me a much clearer insight as to what I need to do.
The warm water did help release the tension from my muscles, making me feel more awake than I was after having no sleep. Still, nothing is jumping out at me saying here’s the answer you’re looking for, not that I really believed it would. I dry off and dress and turn to head out to the kitchen to start the coffee. Braxton is standing in my doorway, a frown on his face. Immediately I rush to him, fearing something is wrong.
“What’s the matter?” I ask, feeling his forehead checking for a fever, my eyes searching for cuts, scrapes, or bruises that would be visible.
“Why doesn’t Zak like us anymore?” he ask. My heart breaks for him and I realize that my choices have not only hurt Zak, but they have hurt Braxton as well.
“Oh, honey, he still likes you.”
I push his hair back fr
om his forehead then pull him to me, wrapping him in a hug. I want to protect him from the world. This time, though, it’s me who he needs to be protected from. I have caused this. Tears fill my eyes. There’s no holding them back and one by one they spill over.
“Why didn’t he come for Christmas then?” he ask, his voice laced with a sadness I wish I could wipe away.
“I’m sorry.” It’s the only answer I can give him.
I get Braxton settled with breakfast, letting him eat his toast and fruit in front of the TV. I sprint down the hall and into my bedroom, grab my cell phone from the night stand, dialing Amy’s number, I wait for her to answer. I slowly walk back to the kitchen, just out of earshot of Braxton.
“Hello?” Amy’s voice is quiet and I can tell she wasn’t awake yet.
“Hey, I’m sorry to wake you. Do you want me to call you back later?”
“No, it’s fine. Is everything okay? You sound off. Have you been crying?”
Amy is very intuitive and getting anything past her is almost impossible.
“I need you to do me a favor.”
I told her about Braxton’s questions this morning and so an hour after I hung up with her, Amy was at the door to pick him up. She assured me that Shane could get Zak to come over and if not, they would take Braxton to Zak. I hate to spring this on Zak, but he loves Brax and through his actions has already shown he would do anything for him. I just hope that me pushing him away, no matter how temporary or permanent it may be, doesn’t damage his relationship with my son. My heart wouldn’t heal from watching the pain that would cause Braxton and knowing I was the reason would be even more devastating.
My thoughts continued to race throughout the day as I waited for Amy and Braxton to return. I couldn’t focus, too worried about what was happening fifteen minutes down the road. I have planted myself on the couch and tried to get lost inside the words staring back at me from my e-reader. It’s been three hours since they left. Surely Amy would have called if Zak didn’t make it. I hear the front door open just as the thought crosses my mind. Braxton comes running over to the couch, a smile that has his entire face alight, stretches from ear to ear.
Finding Strength Page 17