Clean Break

by Jacqueline Wilson

  ‘This is very kind of you,’ Gran said. ‘I’m so sorry to put you to all this trouble. Em, you’re not bleeding, are you? Mind the upholstery!’

  The hospital wasn’t very far away. I wouldn’t have minded if Bob had driven us to a hospital in Timbuktu. I just wanted to stay cuddled up to Dad for ever and ever and ever.

  I was very scared that Dad might go as soon as we went into the Accident and Emergency area. Gran kept telling him to go.

  ‘I’m staying,’ Dad said firmly.

  ‘Let me phone Julie on your mobile. Em needs her mum, not you,’ said Gran.

  Dad handed it over and Gran started phoning. The second she told Mum, she said she was on her way. I was so relieved, but I still had to hang onto Dad.

  ‘I need Mum and Dad,’ I said.

  ‘So do I!’ said Vita.

  ‘So do I!’ said Maxie.

  I twisted my emerald on my poor throbbing hand and wished again.

  Dad saw what I was doing. ‘Still wearing your ring, Princess Emerald?’

  ‘Of course, Dad.’

  ‘You’d better take it off right this minute!’ said Gran.

  ‘No!’

  ‘You’ve got to. Your whole arm is starting to swell. You need to take the ring off or it’ll get stuck on your finger for ever.’

  ‘I want it to be stuck! No, Gran, please, don’t take it off! Ouch!’ I tried to jerk my hand away from her and jarred my broken arm unbearably.

  ‘Hey, hey, leave her. Calm down, Em. Your gran’s right. Come here, darling, I’ll ease your ring off. Don’t worry, you’ll be able to wear it every day for the rest of your life, just as soon as your poor arm gets better.’ Dad tenderly wriggled the ring around until he’d slipped it right off my finger. ‘Have you got a pocket?’

  ‘Can’t you keep it for me in your pocket, Dad?’

  ‘OK, I’ll keep it safe for you, sweetheart. And I’ll take Dancer to the reindeer hospital, Vita, and get her poor bent antlers fixed, and make sure she has a discreet little nose-job.’ Dad looked at Maxie. ‘How are your felt tips, little guy?’

  Maxie wouldn’t answer, just burrowing his head hard against Dad as if he wanted to bore right into him.

  ‘They’re all used up because he wrote you so many letters,’ I said.

  I thought Dad would be pleased but he looked as if he might start crying again.

  ‘Yes, well might you weep,’ said Gran bitterly.

  The nurse came up to us and said they were ready for me to go and have an X-ray.

  Gran got up and started trying to pull Vita and Maxie off Dad. ‘Come along, you two, we have to go with your sister,’ she said briskly.

  ‘No, I’m afraid they’re not allowed. Just Emily – and maybe Daddy can come too?’ the nurse suggested.

  ‘Oh, yes please!’

  So I got to go off with Dad. We stayed together while I had my arm X-rayed and then I was taken to a little room where we waited, just Dad and me.

  ‘Are you too grown up a girl to sit on my lap?’ said Dad.

  ‘I’m not a bit too grown up,’ I said, climbing on his knees. ‘Just make sure I don’t squash you.’

  ‘There’s nothing of you now, I’m telling you. Where’s my little chubby-cheeks gone?’ Dad gently poked my cheeks with his thumb and forefinger. ‘Ah, at least you’ve still got your dimples!’ he said.

  ‘You’ve got thinner too, Dad,’ I said.

  ‘Ah. Well. It’s because I’ve been missing you,’ said Dad.

  I reached round to the back of his neck with my good arm. I tentatively ruffled the back of his shorn spiky hair.

  ‘When did you have your plait cut off, Dad?’

  ‘The other month. Hannah kept nagging me, saying it was sad and pathetic, an old guy like me hanging on to his hair like a hippy, so I cut it off to shut her up.’

  ‘Hannah?’ I said, puzzled.

  ‘My girlfriend.’

  ‘She’s called Sarah!’

  ‘Oh. No, Sarah and I split up soon after I went up to Scotland. So then I came back down south and eventually fetched up with Hannah.’

  I thought it all through in my head.

  ‘What is it, Em?’ said Dad.

  ‘So you could have come to visit us all this time?’ I said.

  ‘I wanted to, darling, I wanted to so much. You’ve no idea just how I’ve missed you and Vita and Maxie – and your mum too.’

  ‘So why didn’t you?’

  ‘I knew I wasn’t wanted. It was going to be a clean break, remember? That’s what your mum wanted.’

  ‘She just said that because she was cross with you then. She didn’t really mean it.’

  ‘You were all pretty cross with me. I felt dreadful. I thought maybe you were better off without me. I didn’t want you all getting so upset and angry. I honestly thought it was for the best.’

  I looked at Dad.

  ‘Don’t look at me like that, Em, I can’t bear it,’ said Dad. ‘All right, all right, I didn’t really think that. I just couldn’t stand all the rows and the sadness and feeling that it was all my fault. I always want everyone to be happy. Then I’m happy too. So I tried to put you all out of my mind, and I know I should have kept in touch, I should have sent your mum money, though I truly didn’t make much. That’s another reason why I went – I’ve been such a failure, I can’t make a go of anything, I just don’t seem to get the breaks. So I thought a fresh start, a new love, it would all work out for me. Only it didn’t.’

  ‘It would never work with that Sarah, she was horrible,’ I said.

  ‘Well. I’m no catch,’ said Dad.

  ‘What about Hannah?’

  ‘I don’t know. It’s early days.’

  ‘Dad. Come back to us.’

  ‘I want to, Em. But it’s not that simple. There’s your gran for a start. We all know she can’t stand me.’

  ‘Gran’s got this boyfriend though. He lives in Spain, she’s talking about living over there with him. She’s even spending this Christmas with him – she won’t always be around.’

  ‘Ye gods, your gran’s got a boyfriend?’ said Dad. ‘I don’t believe it!’

  ‘His name’s Eddie. We all thought he was after Mum at first, but it was Gran he fancied.’

  ‘He must be mad!’ Dad paused. ‘What about your mum? Has she got her own boyfriend now?’

  ‘Oh, Dad. Mum doesn’t want any boyfriends. She wants you.’

  ‘I’ve been such an idiot, haven’t I, Princess Emerald? How are we going to make everything end happily ever after, eh? How are we going to reunite foolish King Francesco with poor long-suffering Queen Juliana?’

  He started spinning me this long fairy tale. My arm was starting to throb so painfully it was hard to concentrate. The rest of me was hurting too, my arms, my neck, my head. It was as if I’d been shaken up all over.

  I tried so hard to believe what Dad was saying, but I didn’t know if he meant it or whether he was just making up a fairy story. I didn’t know what was real any more. When I closed my eyes all my dreams had come true and Dad had his arms round me, telling me a wonderful story and making everything better. But when I looked at him properly he seemed so different, not really like Dad. He was just this pale thin man with short spiky hair and a grubby denim jacket, telling me a whole lot of stories.

  It was easier keeping my eyes closed. I was so worn out with all the amazing things that had happened I could feel my head nodding.

  ‘That’s it, sweetheart, have a little sleep,’ Dad said softly.

  I think I must have napped for a while, because I was dreaming I was running after Dad all over again, and then when I hurled myself at him he stepped sideways and I found myself tumbling down a hole in the pavement, down down down in pitch blackness, and I started screaming.

  ‘Em, darling! It’s all right, I’m here. Does your arm hurt really badly?’ said Dad. ‘The nurse has just come, pet, they’re ready to plaster you up.’

  I clung to Dad, scared that it might be very painf
ul. It did hurt when they gently but firmly straightened my arm out.

  ‘There we go. We’ll have you right as rain in no time,’ said the young doctor, smiling at me. ‘There’s no complications. It’s a nice clean break.’

  I winced at those two words.

  ‘Sorry, pet, it’ll all be over soon,’ said the doctor, misunderstanding. ‘Now, you have a very important decision to make. What colour plaster would you like? We can do you a very pretty pink, a fetching shade of blue – or what about a vivid emerald-green?’

  ‘I told you so, Em,’ said Dad triumphantly. ‘There. You can truly be Princess Emerald now.’

  I laughed uneasily, suddenly a little embarrassed for Dad to be talking about the whole princess thing in front of the doctor.

  Dad went on and on about Princess Emerald as they wound a bandage tightly round my arm and sloshed on the plaster. I knew he was only doing it to distract me. He was being so sweet. But somehow it wasn’t working.

  ‘Em’s been my Princess Emerald ever since she was little,’ Dad told the nurse. ‘Look, she’s all dressed up in green today. She’s even got wondrous emerald hair!’

  ‘That’s because I was going to see Jenna Williams, Dad, and she’s got this book The Emerald Sisters, see?’

  Dad saw. He nodded a little sadly. ‘Oh well. I guess you’re getting too old for my fairy stories,’ he said.

  ‘No, Dad! I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry!’ I said quickly.

  ‘It’s OK, sweetheart. You’re not the one who should say sorry,’ said Dad.

  I wasn’t sure what we were talking about again. It was so hard to make sense of anything when my arm hurt and I was so tired and my head felt so fuzzy. I hung onto Dad with my good hand, gripping him very tightly.

  A nurse popped her head round the door. ‘How are we getting on here? Oh good, nearly done. Emily, your mum’s here.’

  ‘Mum!’

  Mum came rushing in, very pale, her make-up smudged, her hair tangled. She scarcely looked at Dad. She came over to me and put her head against mine.

  ‘Oh Em, darling, are you all right?’

  ‘I’m fine, Mum. I’ve just broken my arm, that’s all,’ I said.

  ‘How did you do it?’ Mum glanced at Dad, then back to me. ‘Gran said Dad knocked you over!’

  ‘God, that woman!’ said Dad.

  ‘It was me, Mum, I saw Dad and I ran after him, and then I fell. It wasn’t Dad’s fault!’ I said.

  ‘How could you ever think I’d knock her over, Julie?’ said Dad.

  Mum shook her head. ‘I didn’t really believe it. I’m not even sure Mum did either. So, Frankie, what are you doing here?’

  Dad smiled weirdly at Mum. ‘I suppose I’ve come back,’ he said. ‘I still love you, Julie. I want to be with you and the kids. Say you’ll take me back.’

  ‘What?’ said Mum, sounding dazed. ‘Look, let’s just concentrate on Em and her broken arm for the moment.’ She shook her head apologetically at the doctor and nurse.

  ‘Take no notice of us,’ said the nurse, smiling. ‘We’re used to all sorts in here. It’s our very own soap opera, night after night.’

  She pinned a sling on my new bright-green arm with a flourish. ‘There you go, little green girl. Off you go with Mum and Dad.’

  We walked down the corridor together, Mum with her arm round me, Dad still holding my good hand.

  ‘Come on, Em, let’s get you home,’ Mum said wearily. ‘We’d better go and find poor Gran. I think Vita and Maxie are driving her round the bend.’

  ‘Don’t go back to her, not for a few minutes,’ said Dad. ‘Look, let’s go and have a coffee somewhere and talk.’

  ‘Frankie, Em’s exhausted, we all are. We just need to get home,’ said Mum.

  ‘Well, I’ll come too.’

  Mum paused. ‘You don’t really mean it. You’re just feeling all shaken up because of Em.’

  ‘Well, of course I’m shaken up, but that’s a good thing, isn’t it? I’ve missed you so, you and the kids.’

  ‘I bet you’ve hardly given us a second thought,’ Mum said. She didn’t even sound angry, she just sounded weary.

  ‘I think of you nearly all the time!’

  ‘You haven’t been in touch for months and months. You haven’t sent a penny for the kids in ages. They could have starved for all you’ve cared,’ said Mum.

  ‘I know, I’ve got no real excuse, but I swear I’ve been thinking about them. That’s why I was up in London today, I was going to get a signed copy of Jenna Williams’s latest book for our Em and send it as a special surprise.’

  ‘It would have been a surprise, all right,’ said Mum.

  ‘What’s up with you, Julie? You seem so . . . hard.’

  ‘I suppose I’ve had to toughen up a bit,’ said Mum. ‘Not before time. Anyway. We’re going home now. If you want to stay in touch that will be wonderful, especially for the kids. But we can’t just wave a magic wand and pretend all this year hasn’t happened.’

  ‘It hasn’t happened,’ Dad said urgently. ‘We’re rewinding right the way back to before Christmas. We’re still a family, you, me and the kids, and we all love each other and it’s all going to work out, you’ll see. It will work, won’t it, Em, if we wish hard enough?’

  I started crying.

  ‘Don’t, Frankie. Don’t do this to her. It’s been hard enough on her as it is,’ said Mum. ‘Come on, Em, we’re going home. You go now, Frankie, please.’

  Dad insisted on ordering a taxi for all of us, saying we couldn’t possibly make our way home on the train. We all squashed in together, Dad too.

  ‘He’s not coming back to my house,’ said Gran. ‘God, what do you look like, Frankie? Are you dossing down in the gutter nowadays? Have you run out of stupid girlfriends so you’re trying to sponge off us again?’

  ‘I’m just seeing my family back safe and sound, you mean-spirited old witch,’ said Dad.

  ‘Stop it, both of you,’ said Mum fiercely. ‘Think about the kids, please.’

  Maxie and Vita sprawled on Dad’s lap, half asleep. I curled up beside him, my head on his shoulder. I so badly wanted to believe in magic and wishes and fairy stories. I wanted the taxi to turn into an emerald chariot and whisk us off to an enchanted land where we could all live happily ever after. But we ended up at Gran’s house instead, and the taxi fare was so much that Dad couldn’t pay it, and Gran started goading him again, reaching for her purse.

  ‘I’m paying this,’ said Mum.

  ‘I’ll send you the cash tomorrow, Julie,’ Dad said.

  ‘Yes, you do that,’ said Mum.

  ‘You don’t trust me, do you? I don’t blame you. But you wait and see. Believe in me just this once,’ said Dad.

  He kissed Vita and Maxie and me goodbye. He kissed Mum too. She didn’t put her arms round him. She just walked away, but when we were back in the house I saw she was crying.

  I couldn’t sleep much at all that night. I couldn’t turn over and snuggle down because of my arm. I lay flat on my back, stiff and sore, staring into the darkness. I didn’t know whether I could believe in my dad or not.

  I didn’t know whether he wanted to stay with his new girlfriend or come and live with us.

  I didn’t know whether he really had been going to get me a Jenna Williams book.

  I didn’t know whether he thought my ring was a real emerald.

  I didn’t know whether I’d ever get it back again anyway.

  I didn’t know whether my wish had come true or not.

  14

  WE STAYED UP very very late on Christmas Eve. We huddled on the sofa, Mum, Vita, Maxie and me, eating our way through the huge tin of Christmas Quality Street. I knew Mum had bought me a pair of seriously cool kids’ designer jeans for my Christmas present. They were a large size, but I was still thrilled to be able to squeeze into them. It was going to be more of a squeeze tomorrow, after all the chocolate, but I didn’t care. I kept shoving one sweet after another into my mouth, even though I
didn’t really like chocolate so much nowadays.

  Vita and Maxie were half asleep, cuddled up like puppies, chocolate drool round their mouths. I’d made us all little wine glasses out of the coloured cellophane on the sweets, and they wore theirs on their fingers.

  Mum had a real wine glass in her hand, and had got through most of a bottle by herself. ‘Don’t you tell your gran!’ she said, as I poured her the last little slurp.

  ‘She’s probably swigging back the vino too with old Eddie,’ I said. ‘I don’t want to be mean but it’s soooo much nicer having Christmas without her.’

  ‘Yes, it’s great, just the four of us,’ Mum said, though her voice wobbled a little. Maybe it was the wine.

  ‘Not four. Five!’ said Maxie. He flipped his fingers, counting. ‘One, two, three, four, five.’

  ‘Shut up, Maxie,’ I said quickly. I couldn’t bear him to keep on hoping.

  ‘Four of us . . . and Father Christmas,’ Mum said. ‘So you kids had better go to bed in case he doesn’t come in the night.’

  Vita sat up, stretching. ‘Is there really a Father Christmas?’ she said.

  ‘Of course there is. Who do you think leaves your presents at the end of the bed?’ said Mum.

  Vita’s little face screwed up. ‘I know who leaves the presents,’ she said. ‘I know who gave me Dancer.’

  I put my finger to my lips and nodded at Maxie. Mum and I held our breath. Vita thought it over, and then decided she liked being one of the big girls with us. She put her own finger to her lips. She cuddled Dancer, rubbing her nose against her soft velvet.

  Dancer had been posted back in a pink-tissue lined jiffy bag, as good as new, her antlers straightened, a perfect pink nose at the tip of her snout. She was wearing new pink striped pyjamas and a rose fluffy towelling dressing gown with a tiny handkerchief in the pocket. She had a little suitcase carefully packed with a party frock and a pinafore and her special pink ballet dress.

  Maxie had a padded parcel too, with a brand-new set of felt pens, and a special pack of letters and envelopes and a booklet of first-class stamps.

  I had a little parcel, specially registered. My emerald ring had been sent back to me in a jewellery box studded with green sparkly jewels. When I opened the lid a little ballet dancer twirled round while music played.