Jela Krecic

by None Like Her (retail) (epub)

  ‘Eleven is early now, he says! Good one!’ Stojan roared, now already visibly riled. Meanwhile Lovro had somehow managed to convince Sonja that this was not a nightmare, but that the worst had really happened. He dragged her, in a somewhat unkempt state, before her parents.

  ‘What on earth happened to you?’ her father asked, horrified. ‘Who’s going to want you if you lie around like that all day?’

  ‘Me,’ Lovro piped up with a smile.

  ‘You just wait a couple of years, you’ll soon change your mind,’ Stojan remarked sarcastically, while Anka meanwhile spent most of the time staring at the floor.

  ‘Thanks, Dad!’ Sonja said smiling, and started to make some coffee.

  ‘Where’s that darned Brigita?’ the father roared, looking around.

  ‘She’s on her way now,’ Lovro replied, casting a reassuring glance at Sonja. ‘Samo went to find her at the beach.’

  Sonja tried to calm the situation. ‘So how are you two? How come you’re here already? We weren’t expecting you until early afternoon.’

  ‘Well, it’s practically afternoon already,’ Stojan said stubbornly.

  ‘Would you like anything to eat?’ Lovro asked politely.

  ‘Of course. Not inside, though, it’s so stuffy in here. Where’s that terrace of yours?’

  ‘You’re right, the terrace is nicer. Just give me a minute to spruce it up. Samo was pickling cucumbers yesterday and he didn’t manage to clear it all up afterwards,’ Sonja said apologetically.

  ‘Cucumbers? Samo? Is there a single real man in this house?’ Stojan raged.

  ‘Dad, please …’ Sonja said, trying again to calm her parents down.

  ‘Never mind “please”. This house is a pigsty and that’s because you and Brigita are spoiled brats … And these two wet blankets aren’t man enough to keep you in check.’

  A similarly awkward scene was unfolding on the beach. Brigita yelped at the sight of Samo, and was even more horrified to hear of her parents’ arrival. ‘Matjaž!’ she cried out. Samo looked at her in confusion. ‘We have to somehow get rid of Matjaž, you know what my dad will think if he sees him here.’ Samo grasped the severity of the situation, located Matjaž’s body and tried to bring him back to life. It was not going to happen. In a panic, Brigita looked around and caught sight of a lifeboat – actually a little old fishing boat moored up on their little beach. With great difficulty she and Samo dragged Matjaž over to it, covered him with the ropes and towels, and decided that they’d come back to rescue him at a more suitable time.

  At that point Brigita could already hear her parents’ voices, especially that of her father. ‘Well, where is that girl? Has she completely lost her mind?’

  ‘Hello, Dad, I’ve just been doing a bit of exercise,’ said the intimidated Brigita, offering them a seat at the not-exactly-clean table.

  ‘You’ve done far too much, judging by the state of you!’

  Brigita bowed her head and sat down next to her parents, feeling deflated.

  Her father then focused his attention on his coffee. The local Dalmatian prosciutto did nothing to impress his taste buds. He looked around, over at the islands imprinted on the crystal clear Mediterranean Sea, and said, ‘I’m not sure this is worth all this circus.’ Sonja smiled at her father obligingly, while Brigita rolled her eyes when he wasn’t looking.

  Lovro turned to Anka and addressed her formally, ‘Lovely, though, don’t you think?’ But Anka only dared give a gentle nod.

  ‘Lovely? Lovely!’ Stojan raised his voice again. ‘You young people today have no idea what real life is about. And this kind of frolicking and raving around on Hvar, or whatever you call it, is completely unacceptable to us, the older and wiser generation.’

  ‘But Daddy, we’re getting married. Don’t you think that Lovro and I have earned a little break? At the end of the day we’ve really slaved for this.’

  ‘Slaved, slaved – as if you young people know what slavery is! You’ve got no idea, and then you go fooling around like this.’

  ‘Well, Stojan …’ the mother finally joined in, ‘you and I did spend our honeymoon in Dubrovnik.’

  ‘But only after the wedding!’ Stojan blurted, as if he was offering a particularly convincing argument.

  ‘But these two wanted to share this beautiful scenery, this wonder of nature, with everyone. Isn’t that nice?’ Samo spoke up, and Brigita rolled her eyes more markedly than before.

  Trying to steer the conversation away from this hurtful topic, Sonja asked her father about the weather back home in Slovenia, although it turned out that even there something was wrong: there were conspirators, uncles, The Octopus (an undercover political organization), who were all, especially in September, making sure that nothing was right. When it was supposed to be sunny it rained, and when the sun shone it was too hot, when it grew cooler you couldn’t go on picnics outside the house any more, and the house would be at its most beautiful right now, at the start of September. The conspiracy, masterminded by meteorologists, was of course connected to the political crisis and the internal political conflict, wherein old communists were gnawing away at the healthy core of the Slovene Catholic right. Stojan kept on complaining, getting even louder and showing no sign of stopping.

  At first Matjaž’s sweet dreams were spoiled by words such as ‘UDBA’, ‘champagne socialists’, ‘conspiracy’, ‘traitors’ and a rendition of the patriotic ‘Slovenia, Whence Thy Beauty’ before they eventually woke him completely. But all that seemed like a lullaby compared to the ropes and towels under which he found himself buried. He let out a short yelp, but luckily the parents were sitting with their backs to him and therefore didn’t see the monster trying to escape from the ropes. Brigita and Sonja, who saw the entire scene, could barely hold it together. ‘What was that?’ Stojan flinched.

  ‘I’ve got hiccups, I’m sorry,’ Brigita said quickly, while Samo tried to signal to Matjaž that he was to stay down at all costs. Lovro, a man of action, was now trying to divert the parents’ attention; he stood up and shouted, ‘It’s so, so, so, so NICE to finally have Sonja’s parents here!’ The others were confused by his euphoria, and then by his next sentence, ‘I think I remember where I left my harpoon!’

  ‘Harpoon? What do you need a harpoon for now?’ Stojan asked, agitated. Sonja explained to him that yesterday Lovro was really upset because he couldn’t find the harpoon that he uses when he goes fishing, and he would not rest until it was found. Stojan turned around to see if this harpoon was going to turn up, but Sonja asked if he would instead tell everyone about the difficult times under communism, like some gory detail from his time serving in the Yugoslav People’s Army. Samo and Brigita were so enthusiastic about this that Stojan finally forgot about the harpoon.

  In the meantime, Lovro had cautiously approached the boat and whispered, ‘Listen … their parents have arrived. If they find you, it’ll be a disaster, especially seeing as those guys hid you in a boat. We’re already on the brink of a total meltdown as it is. Hang on a bit longer. We’ll come and get you as soon as we can!’ Lovro did not account for the fact that, with all the noise and being buried under ropes, Matjaž only caught the odd word of this.

  Lovro then returned to the table and explained that he hadn’t found his harpoon, but that he wouldn’t get upset over it. When it was time for lunch, Sonja dragged Lovro into the kitchen, asking, ‘What are we going to do with Matjaž?’

  ‘I said that we’d go and rescue him at the first opportunity …’

  ‘And when will that be?’

  ‘How should I know? They’re your parents. Ask your mum to help you with your wedding dress, or ask your dad for some advice.’

  Brigita ran in behind them in a panic and said, ‘What are we going to do? The guy can’t even go for a wee, he hasn’t had anything to eat, and the sun has just started to beat down on him …’ Neither Sonja nor Lovro had thus far considered that poor Matjaž could be shrivelling up in the little boat.

  When t
he three conspirators returned to the table, they were met by a horrifying scene. At that very moment Stojan was heading towards the boat. ‘I thought I heard a voice coming from in here. I’m just checking you haven’t been infested by a family of cats,’ he said, nodding in the direction of the boat.

  ‘Help!’ Brigita cried out, pretending to collapse.

  ‘What is it now?’ Stojan asked, turning towards his daughter.

  ‘I think she’s got something stuck in her throat. Goodness me!’ cried Anka.

  Everyone gathered around Brigita, but her father said nonchalantly, ‘It’s probably one of those chewing gums she’s always got in her mouth.’ He continued towards the boat.

  Now Lovro jumped up and shouted, ‘Stop!’

  ‘Oh, for the last time, what?’ Stojan snapped, losing his temper.

  ‘I think there’s a spider on you!’

  ‘What are you on about, a spider?’

  ‘A dangerous spider,’ Lovro replied.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘It’s a tarantula, sir,’ Lovro fabricated.

  ‘Nonsense! I’ve never heard of tarantulas on Hvar.’

  ‘Please, sir, just wait there a moment. Samo, Samo, come and help me.’ The two of them steered Stojan away from the boat and towards the table, and carefully patted him on the back, increasing his agitation.

  Meanwhile Brigita had miraculously recovered and she immediately leaped up to hug her father; now saved from the alleged spider and trapped in his daughter’s tightening grip, he was more disgruntled than ever. Samo took advantage of the hugging and went over to Matjaž, helping him to disentangle himself from the ropes and the towels, carefully vacate the boat and hide in a nearby bush. It didn’t cover him completely, but sufficiently to conceal him from Stojan’s careless and by now furious eyes.

  Sonja diverted her mother’s attention to the flowers that were growing near by, and involved her in a conversation about whether they might actually make a good wedding bouquet. Stojan began to walk towards the boat, accompanied by Lovro, Samo and Brigita so they could shield the bush from view as best they could. While the father ranted about how people ought to be fined for leaving their boats to be infested by cats like this, Matjaž crept past them like a weasel, almost managing to evade Anka’s distracted eyeline, too. Yet she caught sight of a man’s behind climbing up the stairs. ‘Who’s that?’ she asked her daughter.

  Sonja’s cheeks turned a strong shade of pink and she slowly replied, ‘That’s Stipe, the neighbour …’

  ‘But how did he end up here?’

  ‘He probably went on one of his swimming expeditions and landed here. All the locals are like that here,’ Sonja explained.

  ‘But he wasn’t even wet.’

  ‘Oh, Stipe’s renowned for his ability to dry off immediately, because he’s so bald,’ Sonja babbled. She quickly continued their conversation about the flowers, which it transpired were actually cacti. It was difficult enough to make them look nice as it was, let alone use them for a wedding bouquet, her somewhat confused mother explained.

  Not long afterwards, Matjaž’s phone rang. It was Brigita. She apologized to him profusely, half-laughing at herself as she did so because she was currently pretending to be in the shower. She told him that her mother had summed up events rather well, ‘What an afternoon! My daughter almost went and choked on her own saliva, they rescued my husband from a deadly tarantula that then mysteriously disappeared, and Stipe the neighbour dried off in record-shattering time after his swim. But the craziest thing of all was that my other daughter wants a wedding bouquet of cacti …’

  She also told him that after their afternoon siesta they were going out for dinner in Hvar with their parents, and that she’d really like it if he could rescue her afterwards from the ongoing torment and take her somewhere for a drink. She’d already made up an excuse that she’d have to dash off to meet a friend who might be able to help her find a job. Lovro was thrilled, her father sceptical of course, and it was only Sonja who realized that the potential employer was Matjaž. When he heard all this, he couldn’t say no. Nor was he ever going to say no.

  As he walked towards the centre of town, he ran into the large, happy family with a loud Stojan at the head. He walked past and greeted them politely, and the younger generation politely greeted him in return. Brigita also gave a knowing look, which seemed to him as if it could be fairly accurately translated as ‘Sorry, I’ll be there as soon as I can.’ Right behind him he heard Stojan enquiring as to who he was and why the others had greeted him. Anka was still looking at him with obvious interest, when she suddenly realized that it was the secret swimmer, Stipe, their neighbour. Matjaž only hoped that the night was dark enough to avoid yet another catastrophe as a result of this whole charade.

  An hour later, at the agreed location, it transpired that the young woman behind the knowing look had not let him down. He listened to Brigita’s account, ‘And then a proper inquisition followed. Who was Ana, what was I going to do with her, how did I know her and why hadn’t I introduced her to my parents …’

  ‘And who is Ana?’

  ‘My made-up friend. Surely you didn’t think I’d tell them I was meeting up with Stipe?’

  ‘Why not?’ Matjaž jibed. ‘I’d say that your old man’s getting a little bit anxious by now, seeing as his youngest daughter hasn’t shown any interest in becoming an honourable wife and mother.’

  ‘Oh, stop it. You can’t imagine how damaging all of that is for me. Even today he was interrogating me about my life – he’s even more suspicious now that I don’t live with them any more – and after all that questioning he was in an unusually bad mood. He’s hurt because I left the Catholic faith. He’s worried because after a promising decision to study economics I’ve turned towards theory – and worse, towards Marxism. He sees that as an attack on him, which of course is partly true. He’s even more unhappy because never during my twenty-three years have I brought a man home. He and Mum have spoken about it many times, about whether there’s anything wrong with me, and they want to send me to a psychiatrist. But what eats away at him the most is whether I’m going to attend the wedding on my own, as if that would bring shame on the family.

  Sonja then stupidly blurted out that actually my boyfriend would be attending the wedding – I just didn’t want to talk about him because it was still early days and I didn’t know what was going to become of it all. On the one hand it cheered up Dad a bit, but the phantom boyfriend – I have no idea how Sonja is going to manufacture him – unfurled a whole new list of fears: that I might get pregnant, that I might mess everything up because I’m such a handful, whether this phantom son-of-a-bitch deserved me in the first place, etc., etc. I don’t know if I can survive until Saturday … Sonja has such an accomplished way of ignoring them, whether it’s Mum or Dad, but I can’t. I don’t know how to react. I don’t know how to stick up for myself. You can imagine how painful that is to someone who has such a specific standpoint.’

  ‘I know, yeah.’

  ‘What is that supposed to mean?’

  ‘It’s as if for every second that you’re not trying to confront your father, you constantly have to seek out confrontation with the world and with everyone around you. You’re always arguing over every lousy little thing,’ Matjaž said, being very straight with her.

  ‘Not over every lousy detail!’ Brigita scolded him.

  ‘Like now, for example!’

  Brigita screwed up her face, and Matjaž laughed. ‘Don’t despair, you’re really hot when you’re constantly arguing and getting into disputes.’

  ‘That chauvinist discourse again!’

  ‘That’s exactly what I’m talking about. But you can’t fool me any more. I mean, I don’t think it’s a bad thing if you’re vulnerable sometimes, if you don’t always feel like fighting. That’s what being human is.’

  ‘But I don’t want to be human!’ She looked at him desperately.

  ‘And that’s what most makes yo
u human …’

  ‘I don’t get it, why do you have to have such a way with words all of a sudden? I think I preferred you with your bad sense of humour.’

  ‘Don’t worry, there’s still plenty where that came from!’

  A few hours, a few drops of alcohol and one half-stolen kiss later, a satisfied Matjaž walked back towards his apartment. The clip on the ear he’d received after tasting her lips was still resounding in his thoughts, but he would have sworn that she reacted ever so slightly too late for it to be considered a genuine objection. He also bore witness to a tiny smile that she gave while scolding him for only wanting her for one thing, and she then let herself be invited for a swim at his private beach the next day without a single comment. He imagined the two of them lazing in the sunshine, saying very little to one another, just as it should be between two close people. He imagined how it would become too hot for them and how they’d hide from the violent rays in the sea, swimming together. Maybe he’d dunk her, maybe he’d toss her underwater. Maybe this time it would be her that glided in for a kiss, wet and salty … Maybe she would finally loosen up around him, maybe they’d become a couple that surrendered to the welcoming cloak of a retreating summer.

  ‘How are the wedding preparations going?’ flashed up a text from Aleksander. There was obviously some joke at his expense there, but Matjaž replied to himself, ‘Not bad at all, not bad at all.’ He decided on a provocative message: ‘This will be the wedding of my life!’

  FRIDAY

  Alas, the next day things were no longer quite so clear. It was cloudy in the morning, quite wet towards the south, and to him it was unheard of that such meteorological negligence was affecting the island. Brigita came regardless and suggested that the two of them go to the nearby bay for a coffee. In quite a humorous tone, which was not really in keeping with her usual nature, she immediately started talking at great length. Lovro’s parents had now arrived on Hvar and of course the chaos was unrivalled. Brigita’s story made Matjaž laugh; now he was looking forward to the wedding purely on the basis of being able to witness a social explosion.