‘Samo wasn’t there,’ Matjaž said, offering the answer up himself.
‘Exactly, he couldn’t find him. But that wasn’t the only problem. Lovro wanted to call him, but he couldn’t find his phone,’ Brigita replied.
‘Then all of us, well, almost all of us, started running around all over the place trying to find the damned phone. Utter mayhem set in: people running back and forwards, Granny Evridika asking for updates every five minutes, my Dad raging against the entire world, Grandma Katarina and Zofija taking it out on Lovro by saying that he’d always been too much of a dreamer, Eva philosophizing about how much energy people would save if only they were tidier. Then some genius, I think it was Leon, had the thought of calling Lovro’s phone and tracing the ringtone. “Why didn’t we think of that earlier?” asked Edvard, who actually had participated in the search as much as Borut had, by simply retreating into a corner of the room and surfing the internet. Then something weird happened. All of a sudden nobody could find their phones. I heard someone, I think it was Eva or Linda, say that it was all a bit like being in the Bermuda Triangle.
‘Anyway, there we were, about ten or eleven of us, none of whom could find our phones, all feeling like we were approaching the end of life as we knew it. It took an incredibly large and reasoned intellect come up with an idea. Dragica whispered something to Drago – that woman doesn’t like speaking publicly, even if that public is family – and her husband voiced her thoughts out loud for her: “Dragica has noticed that Anže hasn’t been seen for a suspiciously long time.”
‘“Oh of course, blame it on the child!” Linda said, adopting a defensive motherly stance. But barely five minutes had gone by when Anže came running into the room with a mischievous look and a devious smile on his face. Zofija bent down to him and asked, “Where’ve you been darling? Tell Aunty Zofka, where did you potter off to?” Anže only grinned and fidgeted. Linda lost her temper, shouting, “How dare you blame my child like that!” and hugging the little villain. Then she stopped for a second and reached into his trouser pocket. “And what is this?” “Nothing,” replied the child innocently. Obviously it was a phone, Edvard’s phone. “You … you … you!” his father threatened him, laughing. My dad, on the other hand, was not capable of such levels of patience. “Listen, you cheeky little brat, give us our phones back right now! Where are the phones? Where are our phones?” he screamed, completely crimson. Linda did not stand for that, and started throwing rude insults at him, during which time Katarina approached Anže. To cut a long story short, it turned out that at home, hiding mobile phones was his favourite game and was one that he always won.’
‘And? Where had he hidden all the phones?’ asked Matjaž.
‘He’d put most of them in flowerpots outside, he had two more in his pockets and he’d flung some of them into the sea. Lovro’s, too, of course, among others.’
‘Have you got your phone?’
‘Yeah, but my battery’s dead after, you know, yesterday evening when we, well, got slightly off our heads.’
‘Sonja’s got her phone.’
‘Yes, but that doesn’t make a difference to this story, because the key figure in all of this was Samo.’
‘I don’t understand, everyone got their phones back. Well, almost everyone.’
‘Yeah, but Samo still couldn’t be reached. I probably don’t need to spell out how in this situation the accusations started flying from all sides. Grandma Evridika was disgusted with Samo’s behaviour as best man, and Zofija was still screeching at Linda about Anže. Borut and Edvard ignored the quarrel and sat down on the terrace; one with his paper, the other engrossed in his smartphone. My dad had a go at Lovro for not being more careful with his phone and his friends.
‘Amid all this, Eva had started flirting with Leon and it was obvious that he wasn’t putting up much resistance. Sonja shouted at me to do something and find Samo, until Dragica started to calm her down. Drago and Katarina started debating about ships and boats on the Atlantic; Drago loves sailing and actually knows a lot about these things, while Katarina’s maritime qualifications are based on the fact that she once went on a cruise around the Atlantic. Meanwhile, Anže had already found himself a new project and had, as far as I could tell, already stolen other items – mainly from the ladies’ handbags that were lying around. It was all rather stressful, basically.
‘So, in all the chaos my mum ever-so-quietly sidled up to me and said, “Brigita, I’ve just remembered something” “What, Mum?” I asked, a little fed up. “Stipe!” she said. “Stipe?” I repeated, confused. “Your neighbour here. Stipe, the one who came back from his swim last time.” It still wasn’t entirely clear to me what she meant. “Him, you know, the one who walked past, the one with the nice bottom who dries out quickly in the sun” “Oh, Stipe,” I said, a little downbeat, as I didn’t immediately grasp that she was on to something.’
‘Now even I’m lost,’ said a confused Matjaž.
‘I realized that Mum had remembered about the neighbour Stipe (which at the time was you), but there was a totally real neighbour Stipe – whose name probably wasn’t Stipe, but Ante or something like that – who could maybe come and help us. So I set off next door, but then Mum grabbed hold of me and offered to come with me. You can imagine the dread I felt; all the possible situations whirling around in my head for when Mum was confronted with the fact that Stipe was not Stipe. Obviously I insisted that she let me do this job, but she said it wouldn’t do any harm for someone with very good Croatian to join me. I gave in, because if I put her off any more it probably would have been suspicious.
‘So the two of us approached the next-door-neighbour’s house and knocked. Nothing. We knocked a bit more – nothing. Then we knocked even more aggressively and finally our Stipe came to the door – well, a man of around forty, with a rather well-maintained figure, wearing nothing but his underwear. I’d obviously just woken him up and I apologized for that, but he didn’t look too annoyed and invited us inside. Just as I started explaining our wedding story, my mum jumped in. “How are you, Stipe?” He replied in Croatian, “Who’s Stipe?” while I went red and said, “Mum, that’s not –” Mum interrupted me and muttered, “Don’t, I’d recognize that … that face, anywhere.’ She turned to “Stipe” and started again: “I’ve heard you dry out very quickly in the sunshine.” Not a single trace of any sort of Croatian. The confused neighbour replied, in Croatian, “Sorry?” “Sun, the sun – you dry out very quickly!” Mum said hurriedly. “The sun, the sun, yes, I adore the sun!” he replied. “I can see that – the sun loves you,” mum remarked poetically, and blushed. “What?” said the neighbour, not understanding that time either. I took the initiative. “My mum says that the sun loves you.” He smiled in embarrassment and said, “And I love the sun.”
‘At that point I heard some sort of murmuring in the background and looked into the reception room, where I saw people in sleeping bags on the sofa and on the floor. Two of them had their faces covered, but the third one seemed familiar somehow. I was sure that I’d seen that hair, that nose, and those eyebrows somewhere before. “Samo!” I heard myself cry out.’
‘Samo? Our Samo?’ Matjaž likewise cried out.
‘Correct. It was our Samo. Stipe quickly explained to me how they danced and drank, and drank and danced, and in the end everyone apart from him was flagging. He took them back to his place because none of them could find their keys to the apartment anywhere. They had a few more drinks and did a bit more dancing at his, and went to sleep as the sun was rising. “Oh, the sun!” sighed Mum, but this time Stipe and I ignored her. Anyhow, I quickly explained to our good-hearted neighbour that we’d come about a wedding emergency, and then I immediately set to work on Samo. I couldn’t wake him up for love nor money. Stipe helped me poke him, beat him, everything, but he just wasn’t shifting.’
‘And what did you do then?’
‘I resorted to my most reliable weapon.’
‘You didn’t!’ Matjaž look
ed at her severely.
‘I did. I screamed in his ear at the top of my voice that if he didn’t get up that instant, I would stick all of the spines from every single sea urchin on this island in his eyes.’
‘And?’
‘Well, the story continued in a slightly calmer manner than it had done up to that point. I managed to wake Samo up, quickly get him washed and dressed, sorted his phone out and took care of the rings, as our Samo still wasn’t quite on top form. And here we are!’
‘It didn’t all go smoothly from then on, surely.’
‘Of course not,’ Brigita replied with a pained voice. She took another deep sigh. ‘When we were all ready, Zala and Špela included, we went back to our place and came across a chilling scene. Two groups of people yelling at each other, with the bride and groom stood in the middle cowering and holding each other’s hands as if they were waiting for an impending execution.’
‘What was the problem?’ Matjaž asked curiously.
‘It turned out that the families had separated into two groups. On one side was my dad, mum, uncle, aunt, Grandma Evridika and Eva. On the other was Borut, Zofija, Leon, Edvard and his family and Grandma Katarina. Admittedly not all of them were going wild; the parents were the main culprits, or at least some of them were, and the grandmas, too. Granny Evridika’s fury, which she took turns to direct at Sonja and Lovro’s parents, said it all.’
‘What was the problem?’
‘I’m getting to that now. Don’t be so impatient. Granny Evridika was fuming, saying that the whole thing was one big fraud and that she wouldn’t have come to Hvar if she’d have known that it wasn’t going to be a church wedding.’
‘Ah, of course that upset her. And how did it get sorted out?’
‘Steady on, Matjaž. My dad then turned to Sonja and said that she had disgraced him, his family and his homeland. Zofija’s remark, that Croats were also Catholics, fell on deaf ears. Dad was saying that he wasn’t going to be part of this atheist conspiracy, that he was going to disown his daughter, that the whole thing was one great big fiasco and that he was going home at once.
‘Then Granny Katarina spoke up calmly, explaining that it wasn’t a conspiracy and that they just had to listen to the young couple’s wishes. Dad kicked off, saying that it was all Lovro’s bad influence on Sonja, that she used to go to mass regularly and respect the teachings of the Church before she met him. None of this could have been further from the truth, but we’ll leave that to one side.
‘This then infuriated Zofija, who said that atheism was not a disease and she wasn’t going to listen to insults from anyone, and that she had no qualms about leaving the island immediately. Things got serious. Meanwhile, the boats had arrived and the boatmen were nervously watching the scene. My dad and Zofija were on the brink of beating each other up; the two grandmas got involved in the altercation over why a commitment made in front of God was more binding, or rather, why it even mattered who confirmed the marriage just as long as the couple made their vows to each other in public.
‘By this time Zofija was shoving my dad, and Eva had jumped in to defend Grandma Evridika with her hypothesis on how God was just security, that God helps couples during difficult times and watches over them. Grandma Katarina went ballistic and reminded Eva that Catholic couples were also divorcing on a mass scale and asking where was their God to save them then. That’s not to mention, as Edvard said, getting involved in matters, the amount of suffering that couples go through when they stay together for the sake of God. Evridka then got personal and shot back at Edvard, saying that he obviously only thought that way as a means of excusing his own sinful existence. Of course, this angered Linda, who furiously explained how Edvard’s first wife had ruined everyone’s life. “Isn’t that right, Granny Katarina?” she added, hoping to confirm how Edvard’s first marriage exemplified that it doesn’t pay to stake too much on a wedding. Granny Katarina was far too caught up in bickering with Eva to even react to Linda, even though her criticism had just unintentionally discredited the institution of marriage.
‘Leon had meanwhile started seducing Zala and Špela. Zala wasn’t showing any real sign of interest, so Špela began to flirt with him rather intensely. Samo was constantly trying to calm one squabbling pair or another, but they didn’t let him get a word in. My mum took on a similar role, which in her case involved leading an interesting non-verbal conversation with Dragica and Drago, signalling with her head and raised eyebrows while the other two replied with shrugged shoulders and glances at the clock. This bloody situation, with no end in sight, was eventually brought to a halt by the one person to whom you would not, in your wildest dreams, attribute such social talents.’
Matjaž was all ears, and so Brigita quickly continued. ‘For what was probably the first time in his life, Borut put down his newspaper and stood up, which astonished everyone to such a degree that they fell silent. The atmosphere was tense, because it seemed to everyone as if they were going to hear this man speak for the first time in their lives. Borut looked around at everyone present, straightened his suit and said, “Well. Now we’ve all vented our feelings and so nicely called each other names and insulted one another, perhaps we can head off to the wedding location and help these two poor lovers finally ruin their lives before the eyes of family members who do not deserve them.’”
‘Wow!’ Matjaž said, impressed. ‘And? Did they listen to him?’
‘Granny Evridika wanted to start up again, she was already in battle mode, but my mum intervened diplomatically. The only measure my father took against the newly installed authority was that he decided he wasn’t going to travel to the island with his daughter, but with Lovro’s family instead. That meant that we had to put some of Lovro’s family in our boat, but compared to everything else that it was still the least of our worries.’
‘And that’s how it was sorted out!’
‘Yeah, for the first time in my life I might be proud of myself.’
‘And how come you’re here, reading?’
‘I needed a little bit of downtime away from it all. Things will start in about an hour. Oh yeah, you ought to be there to start taking photographs.’
‘And you’ve got to get ready, presumably.’
‘Sorry?’
‘Well, that’s not the dress you described to me …’
The shriek of terror that came from Brigita resounded across the entire island. In all the commotion she had obviously forgotten about herself. The fact that all of the others were yet to arrive at the Palmižana resort was of little consolation at the present time. Matjaž, seeing perhaps for the first time a forlorn look in her eyes, tried to galvanize her. ‘No, don’t listen to me! You’re beautiful as you are. Maybe it’s even better this way, so you don’t outshine the bride.’
Brigita laughed bitterly and said, ‘Thanks but please don’t, being nice doesn’t suit you.’
Her statement upset Matjaž. So he suggested that perhaps she ought to shift herself to the site of the event, where deus ex machina might solve her problem.
‘I don’t believe in God’ was Brigita’s response.
When the two of them emerged from the dense stretch of pine trees, a ceremonious view was laid out before them. Matjaž still remembered the Hvar landscape well. The venue stood on a section of the bay that was chiefly covered by olive trees. There were carved wooden tables among the trees, as if they had grown there with them. The view of the rest of the bay opened up to the right, with the stony beach below and the walled restaurant above. A view of the sea spread out to the left, the type of sea that Matjaž loved the most – boundless and infinite, and above all without people.
He looked at Brigita, who was enraptured by the entire scene and was all the calmer for it. But as they continued walking, their calm was shattered by the noisy relatives and wedding guests relaxing in the marvellously designed venue. The first to run into them were the bride and groom, now smiling – perhaps because they’d had something to drink by this po
int, or maybe because they’d succeeded in the superhuman feat of bringing two such families here together.
‘At last!’ said Sonja, hugging first her sister and then Matjaž. Lovro was also emotional on the day; he gave Brigita a kiss on the cheek and Matjaž a manly slap on the back.
‘Sonja!’ sobbed Brigita.
‘What is it, my love?’
‘Look, look at me!’
‘What do you mean?’ replied Sonja in high spirits, and looked at her attentively.
‘This isn’t the right dress!’ Her sister looked her up and down one more time, as did Lovro.
‘Of course it’s the right one, the best one,’ Sonja replied, reassuring her. In light of all the morning’s disasters, she thought Brigita looked regal.
Lovro jumped in, too, as he did so well. ‘Just look at me in these smart-casual chinos – things basically never turn out as people expect. I mean, I should have anticipated it, really. What with your family, my relatives and our friends, it’s impossible to imagine anything other than a wedding catastrophe. Oh look, there’s Samo!’ He pointed to a table to his right, where the sleepy best man was propping up his head, sipping coffee and Red Bull and seriously struggling. Beside him sat Zala and Špela in a similarly wrecked state; before the trip to Hvar they would have almost certainly have imagined that they’d make a better impression on the local boys on the day of the wedding. Pallid, they sipped lemonade and espresso and hid the black rings under their eyes behind enormous sunglasses. Dialogue was not exactly lively on that table. Every so often one of them could be heard sighing ‘Eugh!’ or ‘Hanging!’ or ‘Oww!’
The surroundings had clearly somewhat calmed Brigita, who decided that she would no longer worry about the unjust structure of the universe, or anything else at all.
‘How are things looking now?’ she asked her sister.
Lovro looked at his watch and said, ‘It’s eleven o’clock now, so get something to drink and to eat. Matjaž, you’re welcome to take a few photos of our entourage here. They’re quite nice, really. That’s Leon and Eva over there by the sea – they’ve clearly taken a fancy to one another.’ Sonja snorted loudly. ‘And Linda and Anže are sitting on those rocks over there,’ Lovro continued, as if he hadn’t noticed Sonja’s sounds of disapproval. Matjaž spotted the intriguing sight of the mother and son scuffling with one another; he couldn’t tell if this dispute was a loving one or if it would end in injury for one side or the other. The more he observed the scene, the more he was convinced that the duel would not end without a considerable number of scratches. It was only a few seconds before poor Linda started to shout, ‘Edvard! Edvard!’
Jela Krecic Page 32