Jela Krecic

by None Like Her (retail) (epub)

  The giving of gifts had clearly come to an end, and the wedding guests sat down at the tables and sipped their champagne. While Matjaž skipped between the spontaneously formed groups of guests, who were now waiting for further signs of celebration, Sonja led Brigita away to a picturesque rocky inlet on the shore. ‘Listen, you need to pay more attention to Matjaž, otherwise no one is going to believe you’re a couple.’

  ‘But I don’t want them to believe it!’ her sister said stubbornly.

  ‘Don’t be stupid!’ The bride looked at her seriously.

  ‘I’m not. He had no right to say that. No one has the right to say that, especially if it’s not true,’ Brigita insisted.

  ‘I don’t understand why you’re so mad at him,’ Sonja said, struggling to keep her temper. ‘Remember how he’s stood by you, by all of us, during these past few days.’

  ‘No, he’s made life more difficult. Now Dad is going to be nagging me constantly, asking why I don’t bring him home. Grandma Evridika is going to start ringing me again, just like the last time she remembered I existed, when I had my appendix out. Cousin Eva is going to be keeping tabs on me and my relationship – don’t you see, I’m not the kind of person that has relationships in order to please the family. I hate family and I hate relationships.’

  ‘Yes, but this family is never going to release you from its clutches, not in any event,’ Sonja smiled sympathetically. ‘What I’m trying to say is, there’ll never be a situation where Dad doesn’t question you and humiliate you because you don’t live in accordance with his standards and outlook. It’s not like he’s going to stop that now, it probably will get even worse, but whichever way you look at it what Matjaž did was sweet, noble even. What kind of nutter would let themselves be dragged into that kind of situation without any kind of reward or expectation?’

  ‘Well, I don’t know,’ Brigita replied, still resisting.

  ‘Be honest with me, did you get angry at Matjaž because that’s what you were secretly hoping he’d do?’ Her sister looked at her seriously.

  ‘As if!’ Brigita burst out. ‘Even you’d like me to conform to your silly standards!’

  ‘Don’t be such a fool. If nothing else, you could at least feel a little gratitude towards Matjaž,’ Sonja said, calming her down.

  ‘Oh really? Why’s that?’ her sister retorted.

  ‘How many more times! Because of how he hid in a boat, because of how he searched for me and Lovro?’

  The bridesmaid thought about it quickly and said, more acceptingly, ‘I know, he’s not as bad as he seems.’

  ‘No, he’s not bad, and I fear he is actually very good. And if it’s for no reason other than that, you have to behave more nicely towards him. For tonight at least.’

  At this point, their mum appeared. ‘There you are, girls! Sonja, the guests are waiting. Brigita, you mustn’t leave Matjaž on his own – or even worse, with your father. He’s got him cornered at this very moment.’ The girls immediately jumped up and went to rescue the unfortunate photographer.

  ‘Here you are,’ Brigita said, patting Matjaž clumsily on the shoulder. He put his arm around her while he patiently listened to her father’s teachings. From a conversation about the global economy, which was governed conspiratorially by the Jews, they arrived at Norway’s oil reserves and then at a review of Nordic civilization, of which the only drawback was the renunciation of Catholicism. Stojan then took the topic off on a tangent and started to ruminate on love. ‘Don’t waste any time, get married straight away – that’s my motto. Then you don’t run the risk of committing any sins!’ he said, and it was only then that Matjaž realized the champagne had rather gone to the father’s head.

  ‘We’re going to move over to the restaurant upstairs now, Dad,’ Sonja said.

  ‘It’s about time, too!’ bellowed Stojan. Then, a little more quietly, he continued, ‘As long as you don’t sit me down next to that awful woman, what’s her name, the mother, Lovro’s mother, Zofija.’

  ‘Of course, Daddy.’ Sonja smiled at him.

  There were photographs from the evening that were misleading in every sense, not least because judging by them you’d think it was all a rather relaxed and entertaining affair. But perhaps it was only right that the lens overlooked the wedding dramas, both minor and major.

  PICTURE 1

  ‘Eugh, breeding is a hellish thing. If anyone knows that, it’s me. I had too many of them,’ sighed Granny Evridika, as she munched on some tomatoes and mozzarella.

  ‘But Granny, you only had two!’ Eva interjected, obviously personally offended by her grandma’s remarks.

  ‘Two too many,’ said Granny Evridika, without looking up from her food.

  ‘I’m going to be a much more loving mother. How can you even say something like that?’ Eva asked angrily.

  ‘Because she knows what they’re like,’ Linda replied drily.

  ‘It’s a question of upbringing, in my opinion. Of how much time and effort you invest in the baby. Then you reap the rewards,’ Eva mused.

  ‘Are you trying to say that my, our, way of bringing children up isn’t good? Have you any idea how much time, how much suffering, how many sleepless nights I’ve invested in this boy?’ Linda erupted. ‘For you to then go and spout some drivel about how I don’t know how to raise a child! How about I let you have him? One, two, three, four of them! Then I’d like to hear about how lovely children are. And I can’t wait for you to reap the rewards.’ She smiled spitefully.

  ‘I take it that neither of you are planning on having another one, then?’ Granny Evridika asked politely.

  Edvard frowned and shook his head, as if to say what a stupid question that was.

  ‘Not in this life,’ Linda replied.

  ‘You’re all exaggerating,’ Eva persisted. ‘Where there’s a will, there’s a way!’

  ‘My dear, keep those catchphrases to yourself. You’ll need them one day,’ Granny Evridika said, patting her patronizingly on the shoulders. ‘While we’re on the topic of offspring,’ she continued, addressing the embittered couple, ‘where is that scoundrel of yours?’

  Edvard and Linda looked at each other, looked around, looked under the table and – just in case – looked up at the sky. ‘Oh my God! Oh my God! Anže!’ Linda shrieked.

  ‘Anže!’ could be heard echoing across the bay. Linda stood up, as did Granny Evridika immediately after her. ‘Come on, girl, I’ll help you look for him.’

  Linda looked at Edvard. ‘I’ll wait here, just in case he comes back in the meantime,’ he replied. Before she could lose her temper, Granny Evridika was already dragging her away to start the search. Edvard sighed, raised his glass and looked at Eva, who smiled at him suggestively.

  ‘And what do you do, when you’re not surrounded by your lively family?’

  PICTURE 2

  ‘Sit, Matjaž, sit for a minute so I can look at the two of you together,’ said Stojan, directing the photographer to his chair next to Brigita, face to face with Anka and himself. The never-to-be son-in-law forced a smile.

  ‘Goodness me, Stojan, you’re such a nuisance!’ giggled Anka.

  Matjaž obeyed, sat down and had something to eat. Brigita remained rather sour-faced, and observed her father to see how he was looking at her and her apparent boyfriend. ‘Not bad, not bad at all,’ he burst out laughing, and looked into his glass. ‘It must be said: these Croats know how to make wine, ha ha!’ He laughed, raising his glass and bursting out into laughter once again. Brigita rolled her eyes and looked over forlornly at Matjaž, who stroked her thigh to console her.

  PICTURE 3

  ‘Samo, Samo, Samo, such a handsome man with so little talent for the art of seduction.’ Granny Katarina shook her head at her conversation partner and lit herself a cigarette.

  ‘Granny, Samo’s not actually here to seduce you,’ Lovro looked at his grandma warily.

  ‘A real seducer isn’t able to help it, if you know what I mean.’ Katarina winked at Samo. ‘Accor
ding to what he’s told me, he couldn’t even seduce Eva.’

  ‘Psst!’ Sonja hissed, nodding in the direction of her cousin as if to say that she might pick up on such a comment. Luckily her competitor was far too occupied with Edvard. It wasn’t entirely clear to Sonja why Eva was having to look so carefully at his palm, but she had enough mysteries to unravel herself.

  ‘Well, in any case a certain confidence, charm, lust for life is needed. When I look at you in that way, Samo, I don’t see any passion, any life,’ Granny Katarina went on.

  ‘Granny, you know very well that he was running wild until the early hours of the morning, with those two ladies at least,’ Lovro responded.

  ‘Perhaps he did run wild until the early hours, as you put it, but one thing is clear: those two girls have never been ladies,’ she giggled. Sonja employed her classic ‘Pssst!’ and nodded towards her left, where her two best friends were standing.

  ‘Matjaž, Matjaž!’ Stojan yelled from the top of the table. ‘I need to ask you something!’

  Matjaž, who had been walking around on the lookout for human subjects, sat down again. He looked adoringly at Brigita, then dutifully turned to Stojan. ‘Yes, sir?’

  ‘What faith do your parents belong to?’ he asked.

  ‘I’m not sure I understand the question,’ said Matjaž, feigning stupidity.

  ‘What do your mother and father believe in?’

  ‘My mum believes in the free market, and my dad believes in destroying it,’ he replied openly.

  ‘So you’re an atheist?’ Stojan asked him.

  ‘No sir, I believe in good times.’

  ‘In what, sorry?’

  ‘You must know Dickens, his famous introduction to A Tale of Two Cities: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times …” I personally believe in the best. Especially now, since I’ve met Brigita.’

  ‘Well, you see, that’s where I’m an atheist!’ Stojan burst out laughing. Anka angrily elbowed him in the ribs, making him blush slightly.

  PICTURE 4

  ‘According to what I heard, you don’t have a chance!’ Granny Katarina said in reply to Špela. ‘You made it too obvious that you liked him.’

  ‘I don’t see what’s wrong with that,’ said the guest defensively. She was now feeling a little more sprightly.

  ‘Aah, men love games, and part of the game is that they have to sense that the girl doesn’t want to be conquered. They have to charm her again and again, if that’s what it takes,’ said the experienced grandma.

  ‘But I don’t play those games!’ Špela was cross.

  ‘No, darling, you’re just not mastering them,’ the granny said, vehemently brandishing her fist.

  ‘Don’t tell me that you always kept your husband in suspense!’

  ‘Of course. May he rest in peace, poor Dani, but that one never knew where he stood with me,’ the granny smiled charmingly.

  ‘Don’t exaggerate, Mum,’ Zofija interrupted firmly. ‘My father was a real charmer, who was rarely at home and who knew how to play the game as well as she did. If not better.’

  ‘And what do you know? You weren’t in our bed!’

  ‘Thank God!’ her daughter remarked, chewing on an enormous piece of meat.

  ‘Don’t answer me back, you know very well there’s no God!’ said Katarina, becoming agitated.

  PICTURE 5

  ‘God, I adore the sea! I could live here,’ Zala said, glancing dreamily at Leon.

  ‘Why don’t you?’ he asked provocatively.

  ‘But how?’ She looked up from her daydream to face Leon.

  ‘A little bit of ingenuity, a little bit of courage,’ replied Leon, sipping on his Malvasia.

  ‘Since when have you been so clever?’ smiled Zala alluringly.

  ‘For a long time,’ Leon smiled back at her flirtatiously.

  ‘I don’t believe you. You’re a fraud,’ she challenged him. Drago and Dragica, who were sitting opposite, could only look at each other in astonishment.

  ‘Where did you get that idea from! Ask whoever you want here. I’m younger than Lovro but I live better than he does,’ he boasted.

  ‘Really? That’s not what I heard about you. How could you be living the high life? What do you even do with your life?’ she provoked him, while the palm of her hand rested, as if involuntarily, on her décolletage.

  ‘Import-export,’ he let out.

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘Import-export.’ Face of a charmer.

  Her provocation, ‘And what do you export?’

  ‘Pumpkins, of course,’ he looked at her seductively.

  ‘Of course!’ Zala tilted her head backwards.

  ‘I can see you don’t believe me.’ Leon smoothed his hair.

  ‘You’re right, but that doesn’t mean I like you any less,’ she replied, and chinked glasses with him. Drago and Dragica cowered awkwardly over the table and shook their heads.

  PICTURE 6

  ‘Has anyone seen Edvard?’ a desperate Linda asked Brigita and Stojan.

  ‘No. Where could he have got to?’ Anka shrugged her shoulders.

  ‘He’s probably gone looking for Anže,’ the unhappy mum muttered to herself.

  ‘And Eva clearly rushed to help him,’ Brigita remarked, as she realized that her favourite cousin wasn’t at the table.

  ‘Oh I don’t doubt that,’ Linda snapped bitterly.

  Granny Evridika turned to Borut and Zofija and said, ‘Listen, the little one has gone. We’ve looked everywhere …’

  ‘Jesus, what if he’s drowned!’ Zofija blurted out.

  ‘Don’t be stupid,’ her mother replied, now already well acquainted with the Croatian Malvasia. ‘That kid is so loud we’d sure as hell hear him if he threw himself into the sea.’

  This did nothing to reassure Linda, who at this point burst into tears and had to be promptly hugged and comforted by Granny Evridika.

  ‘Fine, then I’ll go and look for that bloody rascal as well!’ said Granny Katarina, getting up.

  ‘Granny, please!’ Lovro cried, despairing over the loose vocabulary of the older citizens. Anka was next to follow the grandmother’s good example, and they went to search for the little terror.

  Stojan clearly thought this mass departure gave him permission to increase his influence over the table. ‘So then, Matjaž, sit down for a bit, you don’t have to take photographs all evening – we’re not that famous, you know!’ His own joke sent him grinning from ear to ear.

  ‘Stop bothering Matjaž now, Dad. Let him have a bit of a rest,’ Sonja said, calming him down.

  ‘Why have we got to look after Matjaž so much? Why is he so special? Just because he’s chosen to be with our Brigita doesn’t mean he’s untouchable,’ he bellowed.

  Matjaž and Brigita were both on the verge of saying something when Lovro’s cry drowned them out: ‘Time to dance!’ The wedding guests looked at one another, as up until this point they hadn’t even realized that the venue was employing some sort of DJ, who – as if having heard the request for dancing – finally turned up the volume.

  Naturally, the young newlyweds occupied the dance floor first, and then shortly afterwards began to encourage the others to join them. Drago took Dragica by the hand and led her over, and Eva and Edvard appeared in among the dancers. Leon turned to Zala to ask her to dance, and she didn’t need any encouragement; Špela looked invitingly in Samo’s direction, signalling that she too would like to go for a twirl, but Samo wasn’t sure how to interpret her persistent gaze. Zofija intervened, telling the young man – with all the indiscretion of which she was capable – that he had to take this movement-hungry girl to the dance floor. And then, as if she’d only just realized that she was now talking to herself, she turned to her husband. She didn’t have to say anything – he immediately recognized her intentions and shook his head definitively. But she remained determined. ‘Well fine then. I shall find someone else to dance with.’

  She looked at Stojan, who besides Borut
was the only man left on her side of the table. ‘Listen, Stojan. I’m not going to sit here like a pudding. Let alone stay to watch you torment your son-in-law, as he almost is. Come and spin me around!’

  Stojan stared at her for a moment, as if mulling over her words, then he got up, looked at Matjaž and Brigita and said, ‘Fortune favours the brave!’ He walked towards Zofija, looking over at Borut. ‘You don’t mind, do you, if I take this young lass for a dance?’

  ‘You spin away!’ Borut remarked, and Stojan led her into the crowd of dancers.

  If Matjaž and Brigita hadn’t been so eager to tell each other what they thought of all this madness, they would have noticed that Cousin Eva had no rhythm. Not that this mattered to Edvard, as long as he was able to touch her behind in a fairly obvious manner. They would have seen that Samo’s and Špela’s awkward steps, which they were trying to pluck from memories of school dance lessons, were only surpassed in their lack of coordination by those of Drago and Dragica.

  Stojan and Zofija were reasonably in step with each other, although they did have to stop every now and again to decide who was leading. Leon was a fantastic dancer and spun his dancer around in the most skilful way; as he did so, he whispered lewd remarks in Zala’s ear, making her blush – not that anyone noticed. Just as no one noticed when, after three songs, they crept off to some unknown place. The newlyweds mixed dancing with caresses, and it was clear that none of what was going on around them was going to bother them any more.

  At that point the grandmas, the unhappy mother and the child all returned. ‘He was at the bar,’ Anka explained to Borut, as if he’d ever been truly concerned about the child.

  ‘What a waste of time,’ exhaled Katarina, and she looked around confusedly at where her companions had disappeared to. She caught sight of Špela in Samo’s arms and was mildly enraged. ‘Oh it’s like that, is it? I spend all evening with him, only for him to dance with another woman!’ She had already set off towards the dancing pair when a worn-out Anka put a stop to the intervention on her way back from the dance floor. Granny Evridika calmly sat down in her previous place next to Brigita and Matjaž. ‘Are you two not dancing?’