The Tain

by Ciaran Carson

  “‘O King of the Fianna, it was no lie,” said Cú Chulainn. “He was telling his pupils this morning, south of Emain, what this day might be favourable for, and I heard him, and that’s why I came to you.”

  ‘ “It is true,” said Cathbad, “that this day favours one thing. There is no doubt that the one who takes up arms today will achieve great fame. But his life will be short.”

  ‘ “Fine by me,” said Cú Chulainn. “So long as I’m famous, I’m happy to live just one day on earth.”

  ‘Another day, someone else asked the druid what that day might be favourable for.

  ‘ “Whoever takes command of a chariot today,” said Cathbad, “his name will live forever in Ireland.”

  ‘Cú Chulainn heard this, and went to Conchobar and said:

  ‘ “Comrade Conchobar, a chariot for me.”

  ‘A chariot was got for him. Cú Chulainn grabbed the shafts of the chariot, and broke the chariot. He broke twelve chariots in the same way. Finally, Conchobar’s chariot was got for him, and it did him rightly. He got into the chariot with Conchobar’s charioteer. The charioteer – he was called Ibor14 – gave the chariot a turn.

  ‘ “You can get out now,” said the charioteer. “These horses are very special.”

  ‘ “I’m rather special myself, my good man,” said Cú Chulainn. “Just drive on round Emain, and I’ll make sure it’s worth your while.”

  ‘The charioteer drove off and Cú Chulainn made him go down the road to greet the young fellows, “so as they can wish me luck”. Then he had him go a bit further down the road, and as they drove on he said:

  ‘ “Don’t spare the horses!”

  ‘ “Where to?” said Ibor.

  ‘ “Wherever the road takes us,” said Cú Chulainn.

  ‘So they came to Sliab Fúait, where they found Conall Cernach. It was Conall’s turn to guard the province that day. Every one of Ulster’s finest soldiers had a day-stint on Sliab Fúait, to offer safe passage to anyone who came with poetry, or challenge anyone who came to fight: no one proceeded to Emain without being checked.

  ‘ “May you prosper forever,” said Conall, “and have victory in battle!”

  ‘ “Go back to the fort, Conall, and leave me here a while to stand guard,” said Cú Chulainn.

  ‘ “You’d just about do,” said Conall, “for taking care of someone who comes with poetry, but if it comes to fighting, you’re a little young.”

  ‘ “Let’s leave it then,” said Cú Chulainn. “Meanwhile, why don’t we go and see what’s happening down at the Loch Echtra15 crossing. There’s usually a good gathering of warriors there.”

  ‘ “Good choice,” said Conall.

  ‘They set off. Cú Chulainn fired a stone from his sling and broke the shaft of Conall’s chariot.

  ‘ “Little boy, why did you fire that stone?” said Conall.

  ‘ “To test the accuracy of my hand and eye,” said Cú Chulainn. “Now, comrade Conall, since it’s against the Ulster code to drive a chariot which is unsafe, why don’t you take yourself back to Emain, and leave me here to stand guard.”

  ‘ “I’ve little choice,” said Conall.

  ‘So Conall Cernach went no further with him.

  ‘Cú Chulainn went on to Lóch Echtra but found no one there. The charioteer said to Cú Chulainn that they ought to get back to Emain in time for the drinking.

  ‘ “Not that,” said Cú Chulainn. “What’s that mountain over there?”

  ‘ “Sliab Monduirn, Fist Mountain,” said the charioteer.

  ‘ “Let’s go there,” said Cú Chulainn.

  ‘So they went there, and when they had reached the mountain, Cú Chulainn said:

  ‘ “What’s that white cairn yonder on the mountain top?”

  ‘ “Finncarn, the White Cairn,” said the charioteer.

  ‘ “What plain is that down there?”

  ‘ “Mag mBreg, Bregia Plain,” said the charioteer.

  ‘Likewise he told him the name of every fort between Tara and Cennannas. He told him the name of every field and ford, the famous places and their fortresses and hill-forts. Lastly he pointed out the stronghold of the three sons of Nechta Scéne, who were called Fóill (Sleekit), Fannall (Swallow), and Túachell (Shifty).

  ‘ “Are they the ones,” said Cú Chulainn, “who say the Ulstermen they’ve killed outnumber those who are alive?”

  ‘ “The very same,” said the charioteer.

  ‘ “Let’s meet them,” said Cú Chulainn.

  ‘ “That would be dangerous,” said the charioteer.

  ‘ “We’re not here to run from danger,” said Cú Chulainn.

  ‘So they drove on. They unhitched the horses where the bog and river met, upstream and south from the enemy stronghold. He took the spancel-hoop that was on the standing stone there and threw it as far as his arm was able into the river to let it drift downstream, thus challenging the mark set by the sons of Nechta Scéne. The sons took note of this and set off to find him.

  ‘After throwing the hoop into the river, Cú Chulainn lay down to sleep beside the standing stone, saying to his charioteer:

  ‘ “Don’t wake me for one or two, but wake me if they all come.”

  ‘The charioteer was terrified. He hitched up the horses and got the chariot ready. He pulled at the rugs that were under Cú Chulainn and the furs that were on top of him, trying not to wake him, for Cú Chulainn had told him not to wake him if only one or two came.

  ‘Then all the sons of Nechta Scéne arrived.

  ‘ “What have we here?” said one of them.

  ‘ “Only a little boy out on his first drive in a chariot,” said the charioteer.

  ‘ “Then he’s one unlucky mother’s son,” said the warrior. “His first day under arms will be a bad day. Take yourself off our land, and graze your horses here no more.”

  ‘ “The reins are in my hand,” said the charioteer. “We don’t want to cause trouble. Can’t you see the boy’s asleep?”

  ‘ “Boy indeed!” said Cú Chulainn, “well, this boy seeks battle with a man.”

  ‘ “My pleasure,” said the warrior.

  ‘ “You can have your pleasure in yonder ford,” said Cú Chulainn.

  ‘ “You’d be well advised,” said the charioteer, “to watch this man you’re going to fight. His name is Fóill, Sleekit, and if you don’t get him at the first go, you won’t get him all day.”

  ‘ “I swear by the god of Ulster that he won’t use his sleekit skills against Ulstermen again, once the broad spear of my comrade Conchobar leaves my hand to seek him out. It’ll find him like an outlaw’s hand!”

  ‘He fired the spear clean through him and it broke his back. He took his weapons and his head for trophies.

  ‘ “Watch out for the next man,” said the charioteer. “His name is Fannall, Swallow, and he skims the water lightly as a swan or swallow.”

  ‘ “He won’t use his skimming skills against Ulstermen again,” said Cú Chulainn. “You’ve seen how good I am in the pool at Emain.”

  ‘They met in the ford. Cú Chulainn killed him, and took his weapons and his head for trophies.

  ‘ “Watch out for the next man you have to face,” said the charioteer. “His name is Túachell, Shifty, and he’s well named, for no weapon has ever got near him.”

  ‘ “I’m ready for him with my Riddling-Rod,16 the wily weapon that will make a bloody sieve of him,” said Cú Chulainn.

  ‘He fired the spear at him and it tore him to pieces where he stood. Cú Chulainn went up and cut off his head. He gave the head and the weapons to the charioteer.

  ‘Then he heard the cry of their mother, Nechta Scéne. He put the sons’ weapons and their heads into the chariot, and said:

  “‘I won’t let go these trophies until we reach Emain Macha.”

  ‘They left with the spoils. Then Cú Chulainn said to the charioteer:

  ‘ “You promised us good driving. We’ll need it now, for after such a great fight,
there’s sure to be a great chase.”

  ‘They drove on to Sliab Fúait. With Cú Chulainn urging the charioteer on, so fast did they drive across Bregia Plain that the horses overtook the wind and the birds in flight, and Cú Chulainn could catch the stone he’d fired from his sling before it hit the ground.

  ‘They reached Sliab Fúait and found a herd of deer before them.

  ‘ “What are those frisky animals over there?” said Cú Chulainn.

  ‘ “Wild deer,” said the charioteer.

  ‘ “What would the men of Ulster rather I brought home, a live one or a dead one?”

  ‘ “Live would be wonderful,” said the charioteer, “for there’s not many that could do it. But there’s not a man in Ulster hasn’t brought back a dead one. You can’t take them alive.”

  “‘I can,” said Cú Chulainn. “Don’t spare the horses, and drive on through the bog.”

  ‘The charioteer did so and the horses got bogged down. Cú Chulainn got out of the chariot and grabbed the deer nearest him, the pride of the herd. He brought the deer under control and lashed the horses on through the bog. Then he hitched the deer to the two back shafts of the chariot.

  ‘The next thing they saw before them was a flock of swans.

  ‘ “What would the men of Ulster rather I brought in, a live one or a dead one?”

  ‘ “The experts take them alive,” said the charioteer.

  ‘Cú Chulainn fired a little stone at the birds and brought down eight of them. Then he fired a bigger stone and got twelve more. He did this with his “ricochet-stun-shot”.

  ‘ “Go you out and get the birds,” said Cú Chulainn. “If I go out to get them, this wild stag here will go for you.”

  ‘ “It’s no easy thing for me for me to get out,” said the charioteer. “The horses are so fired up I can’t get past them, and the iron rims of the chariot-wheels are too sharp for me to get over them, and I can’t get past the stag because his antlers stretch from one shaft of the chariot to the other.”

  ‘ “Step out on to his antlers then,” said Cú Chulainn. “I swear by the god of Ulster, I’ll threaten him with such a head-butt, and fix my eye on him with such a look, that he’ll not even dare to nod his head at you.”

  ‘So it was done. Cú Chulainn tied the reins and the charioteer stepped out to gather up the birds. Cú Chulainn hitched the birds to the ropes and straps of the chariot. This was how he proceeded to Emain Macha: a wild stag hitched behind, a flock of swans flapping above, and three severed heads in his chariot.

  ‘They reached Emain.

  ‘ “There’s a man approaching us in a chariot,” cried the look-out in Emain Macha. “He’s got the bloody heads of his enemies in his chariot, and a flock of wild birds overhead, and a wild stag hitched behind. He’ll spill the blood of every soldier in the fort unless you act quickly and send the naked women out to meet him.”

  ‘Cú Chulainn turned the left board of his chariot towards Emain to show his disrespect, and he said:

  ‘ “I swear by the god of Ulster, that unless a man is sent to fight me, I’ll spill the blood of everybody in the fort.”

  ‘ “Bring on the naked women!” said Conchobar.

  ‘The women of Emain came out to meet him, led by Mugain, the wife of Conchobar Mac Nessa, and they bared their breasts at him.

  ‘ “These are the warriors you must take on today,” said Mugain.

  ‘He hid his face. The warriors of Emain grabbed him and threw him into a barrel of cold water. The barrel burst to bits about him. They threw him into another barrel and the water boiled up till it seemed it was boiling with fists. By the time they’d put him into a third barrel, he’d cooled down enough just to warm the water through. Then he got out and Mugain the queen wrapped him in a blue cloak with a silver brooch in it, and a hooded tunic. She brought him to sit on Conchobar’s knee, and that was where he sat from then on.

  ‘ “Is it any wonder,” said Fiacha Mac Fir Febe, “that someone who did all this when he was seven should triumph against all odds and beat all comers in fair fight, now that he’s reached seventeen?” ’

  V

  GUERRILLA

  TACTICS

  ‘ADVANCE’, said Ailill.

  The army advanced to Mag Mucceda, the Pigkeepers’ Plain. Cú Chulainn felled an oak tree in their path, and cut an ogam message on its side. These were the words he wrote:

  ‘No one passes unless a warrior can jump this in a chariot.’

  They pitched their tents on the spot and began trying to jump the tree in their chariots. Thirty horses fell and thirty chariots were broken there. Belach nAne – Jump Pass – is the name of that place ever since.

  They stayed there until morning. Fráech Mac Fidach was summoned.

  ‘Help us, Fráech,’ said Medb. ‘Get us out of this fix. See if you can find Cú Chulainn and get him to fight.’

  Early next morning Fráech set out with a squad of nine and came to Áth Fúait. He saw the hero bathing in the river.

  ‘Wait here,’ said Fráech to the squad, ‘and I’ll tackle him where he is. He’s not good in water.’

  He stripped off and approached him in the water.

  ‘Come any closer,’ said Cú Chulainn, ‘and you die. I’d be sorry to kill you.’

  ‘I’m coming,’ said Fráech, ‘to meet you in the water. Rules of fair fight.’

  ‘Choose your style of combat,’ said Cú Chulainn.

  ‘The one-arm grapple,’ said Fráech.

  They grappled for a long time in the water, and Fráech went under. Cú Chulainn dragged him up.

  ‘Now,’ said Cú Chulainn, ‘will you give in, so I can spare your life?’

  ‘Not me,’ said Fráech.

  Cú Chulainn held him under until Fráech died. He was brought to land. They carried his body to the camp. Ever since, that ford has been called Áth Fraich.

  The whole camp mourned Fráech. They saw a company of women dressed in green gowns appear around the body of Fráech Mac Fidach. They bore him into the fairy mound. Ever since, it has been called Síd1 Fraích, Fráech’s Fairy Mound.

  Then Fergus jumped the oak tree in his chariot.

  They went on till they came to Áth Táiten, Kidnappers’ Ford. Cú Chulainn finished six of the army off, the six Dúngals of Irros.

  They went on again and came to Fornocht, the Bare Place. Medb had a puppy dog called Baiscne – Timber. Cú Chulainn slung a stone at it and took off its head. Ever since, the place has been called Druim Baiscne, Timber Ridge.

  ‘Every one of you will be a laughing-stock,’ said Medb, ‘unless you hunt down this mad animal that’s been picking you off.’

  So they set off; and they hunted him till the shafts of their chariots broke.

  The next morning they went to Iraird Cuillenn. Cú Chulainn went on ahead of them. At the place called Tamlachta Órláim, Órlám’s Burial Mound, just north of the sanctuary Dísert Lóchait, he came across Órlám’s charioteer. Órlám – Golden-arm – was a son of Ailill and Medb. Cú Chulainn took the charioteer for an Ulsterman.

  ‘If there are Ulstermen out here,’ he said, ‘they’re out on a limb, for the army is on their track.’

  He went up warn the charioteer, and saw he was cutting wood for a chariot-shaft.

  ‘What are you up to?’ said Cú Chulainn.

  ‘Cutting holly shafts for a chariot,’ said the charioteer. ‘We broke our chariots hunting that wild animal Cú Chulainn. Give us a hand – do you want to cut the shafts, or trim them?’

  ‘I’ll trim,’ said Cú Chulainn.

  The charioteer watched as Cú Chulainn stripped the shafts from bark to knot with sweeps of his outstretched fingers. When they left his hand they were so slippery-clean a fly couldn’t have settled on them.

  ‘I put you to the wrong class of work,’ said the charioteer. He was very afraid.

  ‘Who owns you?’ said Cúchulain.

  ‘I’m Órlám’s charioteer. That’s the Órlám, son of Ailill and Medb. And you?�
� said the charioteer.

  ‘My name is Cú Chulainn.’

  ‘Then I’m done for,’ said the charioteer.

  ‘There’s nothing to fear,’ said Cú Chulainn. ‘Where’s your master?’

  ‘Over there, by the ditch,’ said the charioteer.

  ‘Then come with me now,’ said Cú Chulainn, ‘for I don’t kill charioteers.’

  Cú Chulainn went up to Órlám. He killed him and cut off his head, and waved the head at the army. He set the head on the charioteer’s back and said:

  ‘Take this back to the camp with you. If you don’t do as I say, there’ll be a stone from my sling for you.’

  When the charioteer got near the camp, he took the head from his back and told Ailill and Medb of his adventure.

  ‘It’s not like catching wee birds,’ she said.

  ‘And he said if I didn’t bring the head to the camp on my back, he’d break my head for me with a stone.’

  The three sons of Gárach were waiting at their ford. Their names: Lon, Úalu and Díliu – Blackbird, Proud and Flood. Their charioteers, the three foster-sons Mes Lir, Mes Lóech and Mes Lethan. They thought Cú Chulainn had overstepped the mark in killing the king’s two foster-sons, besides killing his son and waving the head at the army. They made a plan to kill Cú Chulainn and so snuff out the threat to their forces. They cut three wooden cudgels for their charioteers so that all six could gang up on him. He killed the lot, for they’d broken the rules of fair fight.

  Órlám’s charioteer was standing between Ailill and Medb. Cú Chulainn slung a stone at him and opened his head for him so that his brain came out around his ears. His name was Fertedil, the Entitled Man. It wasn’t true that Cú Chulainn didn’t kill charioteers. He killed them when they deserved it.

  Cú Chulainn issued a threat in Méithe that any time he got sight of Ailill or Medb, he would fire a stone from his sling at them. So he did: he slung a stone and killed a pet stoat as it sat on Medb’s shoulder by her neck, south of the ford. Hence the name Méithe Togmaill, Stoat Neck. North of the ford he killed the pet bird perched on Ailill’s shoulder. Hence Méithe nEoin, Bird Neck. And at this time also, Reúin was drowned in the lake which bears his name.