Giant Book of Jokes, Riddles, and Brain Teasers

by Michael Dahl

  SIGNS ON THE DOTTY LINE

  Signs found hanging on the doors of …

  An Astronaut: OUT TO LAUNCH

  A fencing instructor: OUT TO LUNGE

  A nuclear Scientist: GONE FISSION

  A music Teacher: GONE CHOPIN, BE BACH SOON

  A dance instructor: BACK IN A MINUET

  A car mechanic: ON A BRAKE

  A chiropractor: BE RIGHT, BACK!

  A surgeon: JUST CUT OUT

  A dog trainer: WILL RETURN IN FIVE MINUTES. SIT. STAY.

  A nudist colony: WE'RE NEVER CLOTHED

  A dentist: OPEN WIDE

  Bye Bye

  Which sign did the eye doctor leave on her door when she went on vacation?

  LAUGHING STOCK

  “Does your family own a cat?”

  “No, why?”

  “I thought I heard it meowing last night.”

  “That's just our dog. He's been listening to foreign language tapes.”

  Jenny: Doctor, I have a problem. I love Bermuda shorts.

  Doctor: Lots of people love Bermuda shorts.

  Jenny: With mustard and relish?

  “I got a role in the new Tarzan movie. Boy, you should have seen all the crazy animals we had to work with.”

  “Were you the star?”

  “No, but when the lion got loose and chased the cast, I was the leading man!”

  “The best humor is the most obvious. When the audience has to stop and think too hard about a punchline, the punch is lost.”

  — Thom Melcher

  Harold and Stanley were brothers. Harold went on a business trip and asked Stanley to look after his pet kitten. The first night of his trip, Harold phoned his brother and asked how little Buttons was doing.

  “Buttons is dead,” said Stanley, flatly.

  Harold was appalled. “Stanley! That's no way to tell me bad news.”

  “How should I have told you?” asked Stanley.

  “Break it to me gently,” said Harold. “Little by little. You could have said that Buttons was up on the roof. Then say you had to call the fire department. Then say the ladder wasn't long enough. Then tell me that Buttons tried to jump. And then you could have said he was in the hospital. And that he was growing weaker and weaker. That he stopped eating. Then, eventually, you could have told me that poor Buttons died.”

  “Sorry,” said Stanley. “I'll know better next time.”

  “All right,” said Harold. “By the way, how's Mom?”

  “Well, she's up on the roof.”

  A miser won the lottery with a ticket he bought — $1,000,000! But he still seemed depressed. “What's wrong?” asked his neighbor. The miser sighed and said, “When I think of the dollar I wasted buying this other lottery ticket.”

  Joey: Yuck! This is the worst tasting apple pie I ever had!

  Waiter: What does it taste like?

  Joey: Glue!

  Waiter: Then that's the pumpkin pie. The apple pie tastes like mud.

  Mother: Billy, what is all that grass doing sticking out of your pockets?

  Billy: The worms in there have to eat something, don't they?

  Troop Leader: Do you know how to make a fire with just two sticks?

  Cub Scout: Yes, sir. As long as one of the sticks is a match.

  My poor sister had an awful time of it. First she got arthritis and rheumatism. And after that she got appendicitis, tonsillitis, and then pneumonia. They even had to give her hypodermics. Whew! I didn't think she'd ever make it through that spelling contest!

  Five-year-old Kevin came running down the stairs, wailing and weeping. “What ever is the matter?” asked his mother. “I was upstairs with Daddy,” said Kevin. “He was putting up pictures. And he hit his thumb with the hammer.” The mother grinned. “That's all right, honey. Your daddy is a grown-up man. He doesn't let something like that worry him. And you shouldn't either. You should have just laughed.” Then Kevin sobbed, “I did!”

  My doctor believes in shock therapy. That's why he sends me his bill!

  “Excuse me, could you tell me the fastest way to get to the hospital?”

  “Stand in traffic.”

  “I was thinking of attending the time-management workshop.”

  “When does it start?'

  “Oh, fivish, sixish.”

  “A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs — jolted by every pebble in the road.”

  — Henry Ward Beecher

  A man walked into an antique store. It was filled with beautiful furniture, fine old paintings, and housewares of silver and crystal. Nothing caught his eye. As he turned to leave, however, he noticed the owner's cat licking milk out of a delicate china saucer. The man knew at a glance that the saucer was priceless, and he figured the stupid owner didn't realize what a treasure was sitting just beneath his nose.

  The man casually struck up a conversation with the owner.

  “Nice cat you got there.”

  “Thanks,” said the owner. “He's a good cat, but I never seem to have enough time for him.”

  “Hmmm, would you be interested in selling him?” asked the man.

  “Sure, if you're serious,” said the owner.

  “You can have him for five bucks.”

  “Deal.”

  The man paid his five dollars, then picked up the cat and headed toward the door. “Oh, by the way,” said the man, turning around. “You probably wouldn't mind if I just took that old milk saucer would you? The cat seems to like it.”

  “Are you kidding?” grinned the man. “That saucer has helped me sell seventy cats in the last month!”

  “I'm on that new Japanese diet.”

  “How does that work?”

  “You're only allowed to use one chopstick.”

  A doctor walks into a hospital room and stands next to the bed of his patient.

  “Mister Cooper, I have some good news and some bad news.”

  “What is it, Doc?”

  “The bad news is that we have to amputate both your feet.”

  “That's horrible! What's the good news?”

  “The patient in the next bed wants to buy your shoes.”

  Picto-Laugh #3

  A pictograph is a very simple drawing of something funny. Can you guess what this little picto-laugh is showing? HINT: Think about Mexican hats and exercise!

  First Scientist: I discovered the perfect cure for dandruff.

  Second Scientist: What is it?

  First Scientist: Baldness.

  Years ago, a huge ship was passing through a thick fog. Suddenly, up ahead, it saw a bright and unexpected light. The ship signaled:“Veer off!”

  The reply: “You veer off!”

  The captain of the ship became furious. He told his signal man, “Tell that idiot to veer off! Doesn't he realize this battleship is heading his way?”

  The signal man obeyed the command and then waited for a reply.

  “Well, what did he say?” asked the angry captain.

  The signal man answered, “Well, sir, he says, ‘Don't you realize this lighthouse is heading your way?’”

  Harold got a summer job painting yellow stripes down the middle of the highway. The first day he did an excellent job and painted a strip a mile long. But the second day he painted only half a mile. And the third day Harold painted even less.

  Finally, his angry boss told him, “Harold, you're slacking off! Each day you paint less and less.”

  Harold replied, “I know. But each day it gets longer and longer to walk back to that bucket!”

  Love to Laugh

  A good joke can make you laugh out loud or quietly to yourself. See if you can fill in five different kinds of laughs. We left a couple of L-A-U-G-H-S to help you.

  “I don't have a penny to my name.”

  “Are you gonna get a job?”

  “No, I'm gonna change my name.”

  Did you hear about the elephant hunter who hurt his back?

  He was carrying decoys.
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br />   A miser walks into a dentist's office and asks the dentist how much he charges for pulling a tooth.

  “Thirty bucks,” said the dentist.

  “Here's five,” said the miser. “Just loosen it a little.”

  A young girl entered the courthouse and registered for a name change.

  “What's your name now?” asked the clerk.

  “Betty Stinks,” said the girl.

  The clerk laughed for almost a full minute. “I can understand why you'd want to change it,” the clerk finally said. “What are you changing it to?”

  “Elizabeth Stinks.”

  First Fisher: Is this a good lake for fish?

  Second Fisher: It must be. I can't get any of them to come out.

  Two cars, driving from opposite directions, met in the middle of a narrow bridge that was wide enough to let only one car pass at a time.

  The first motorist rolled down his window, stuck his head out, and yelled, “I never back up for jerks!”

  The second driver put his car in reverse and yelled, “That's all right. I always do!”

  Picto-Laugh #4

  A pictograph is a very simple drawing of something funny. Can you guess what this little picto-laugh is showing? HINT: Think about Mexican hats and breakfast!

  “I want to see Dr. Braun.”

  “He's not here at the moment. But I'm sure Dr. Wilson could help you.”

  “I don't want Dr. Wilson. I want Dr. Braun.”

  “Then you'll just have to wait.”

  “Fine. How long?”

  “Two weeks. Dr. Braun just left on his vacation.”

  A mother raced into a doctor's office, pulling her son along behind her. “Tell me, Doctor,” she said, “can a ten-year-old boy take out a person's appendix?”

  “Don't be ridiculous,” said the doctor. “Of course not.”

  “See, Jimmy? You heard the doctor. Now go put that right back!”

  Jimmy: This is the slowest train I've ever been on! Conductor, can't you run any faster?

  Conductor: Sure I can. But I have to stay on the train.

  Larry: Why don't we fall off the earth and go shooting through space?

  Perry: The law of gravity.

  Larry: Then what did we do before that law was passed?

  A young girl walked into a clothing store with her mother. “I'd like to try on that dress in the window,” she said.

  “Well, young lady,” said the clerk, “we'd prefer that you use one of our dressing rooms.”

  Jimmy: How's your new job on the construction site?

  Derek: Awful! After one week, I'm through with it!

  Jimmy: What for?

  Derek: Lots of reasons. The constant complaining, the laziness, the sloppiness, the bad language. They just wouldn't put up with it anymore!

  It's Joke Time!

  Draw a line from each riddle to the clock that shows the correct answer. HINT: It helps to read the time on each clock aloud.

  PUNDEMONIUM

  I heard on the news that a nuclear scientist accidentally ate some uranium, and now he has atomic ache! “How's your sister coming along with her new jigsaw puzzle?”

  “She can't figure it out. I'm afraid she's going to pieces.”

  Did you hear they fired the cross-eyed school teacher?

  He couldn't control his pupils.

  Did you hear about the lobster that bought a new car?

  It was a crustacean wagon.

  “Does your brother have a job?”

  “He works at the hospital as a night orderly.”

  “Oh, a pan-handler, huh?”

  Words to Know

  Pun: the humorous use of a word in such a way as to suggest two or more of its meanings or the meaning of another word with a similar sound

  Doctor: Have your eyes ever been checked?

  Kyle: No, they've always been blue.

  What did one Moroccan boy say to the other?

  “I can't remember your name, but your fez is familiar.”

  A misshapen ogre made his living by ringing the bells at a famous cathedral in France. One day the ogre lost his footing on the roof of the cathedral and plummeted 200 feet to his death in the courtyard below. Two priests rushed to the ogre's side. The first priest asked, “Is that the Hunchback of Notre Dame?” The second priest replied, “No, but he's a dead ringer.”

  Tyler: My dad is so strong, he can hold up several cars at once using one hand.

  Brian: What does he do?

  Tyler: He's a policeman.

  Brian: Big deal! My dad is a lot stronger. He can hold up an entire bank by just handing a little note to the teller.

  What's the best way to avoid falling hair?

  Jump out of the way!

  Dottie was having trouble learning her directions, especially the difference between north and south. So her mother tried a little quiz. “Dottie, if you were standing with your back to the east, and your face to the west, what would be on your right hand?''Dottie said, “Four fingers and a thumb.”

  Teacher: My goodness, Amy! You've been burping all morning.

  Amy: It must have been those belchin' waffles I ate for breakfast.

  Matty: We learned today that people who live north of the Arctic Circle eat whale meat and blubber.

  Mary: I'd blubber too if that's all I had to eat.

  Mom: Amy, what are you doing home from school so early?

  Amy: The teacher asked me how far I could count, so I counted all the way home.

  “My aunt always nagged my uncle to buy her a Jaguar.”

  “Did he ever get one?”

  “Yeah, then it ate her up!”

  Circus Clown: How do you like your new job?

  Trapeze Artist: I'm finally getting the hang of things.

  How do you measure a dog's temperature?

  By pedigrees.

  Some know-it-all once said that the pun was the lowest form of humor. Then a modern comic added, “unless you happen to make it yourself!”

  I feel sorry for the two lighthouse keepers.

  Their marriage is on the rocks.

  Young earthworm: This dirt tastes terrible.

  Mother earthworm: I don't understand. It was fresh ground this morning.

  You heard about the glass blower who inhaled?

  He got a pane in his stomach.

  What did the Cub Scout say when he fixed the horn on his bike?

  Beep repaired!Why does your dog go round and round before he lies down?

  He's a self-winding watchdog.

  A music store was robbed last night. The burglar broke in, stole a drum, and beat it! Why is that woolly sheep scratching itself?

  Because it has fleece.

  “Comedy is the new rock-and-roll.”

  — Janet Street-Porter

  Teacher: Alex, why are you brushing your teeth during class?

  Alex: I want to be ready for the oral exam.

  Did you hear about the two silkworms who had a race?

  They ended in a tie.

  That movie was terrible. I've seen a better film on dirty teeth.

  Why did the bank robber flee to the nudist colony?

  That's where he had his hide out.

  What do you see when the smog clears in southern California?

  U.C.L.A.

  What part of a car is responsible for causing the most accidents?

  The nut located behind the wheel.

  CLUELESS KIDS

  They think that …

  An octopus is a cat with eight paws.

  A polygon is a parrot who flew from its cage.

  An amoeba is a small prison, because it only has one cell.

  Peanut butter is a baby billy goat.

  Shell-shock is when you accidentally drop an egg.

  “Doctor, can you help me? I keep thinking I'm a packet of biscuits.”

  “Biscuits? Oh, you mean those little square packets you crumble up for your soup?”

  “Yes, exactly.”

  “Th
en you must be crackers!”

  Picto-Laugh #5

  A pictograph is a very simple drawing of something funny. Can you guess what this little picto-laugh is showing? HINT: Think about the color pink!

  “You look awful, Stanley. Flu?”

  “Yeah, and crashed!”

  I read that Tibet is the noisiest place on earth.

  Everywhere you look it's Yak, Yak, Yak!

  Did you hear about the Siamese twins who went to Prague for major surgery?

  They came out as separate Czechs.

  “This report card should be underwater!”

  “Because it's so wet?”

  “No, because it's below “C” level!”

  What happened to the origami store that used to be on the corner?

  It folded.

  An inexperienced hunter was deep in the woods and kept following a set of tracks — until the train ran him over!

  Fill Me In

  Color in all the shapes with exactly three sides to find the answer to this riddle: Why did Silly Billy throw a stick of butter out the window?

  Why did Silly Billy throw a stick of butter out of the window ?

  Karl: Darn, I left my watch back up on that hill.

  Ben: Should we go up and get it?

  Karl: Nah, it'll run down by itself.

  Gretchen: Every morning my dog and I go for a tramp in the woods.

  Heather: Sounds delightful.

  Gretchen: Yes, but the tramp is getting real tired of it.

  At a fancy hotel, a man walks in and asks the desk clerk, “Do you take children?”

  “No sir,” replied the clerk. “Only checks and American Express.”

  The farmer came in from the barn and said to his wife:“I shot the cow.”

  “Was he a mad cow?”

  “Let's just say he wasn't too happy about it.”