The Book of Beer Awesomeness

by Dan DiSorbo

  To become a champion beer drinker, you need to understand how the beer flows from the brewery to the belly. You need to learn which glasses bring out the best in different beers. You must master the mixology of beer-based drinks. But ultimately, you need to look like you can handle your business.

  We hope this chapter can help you do just that.

  AS PERFECT AS BEER IS, it’s still restrained by the merciless laws of gravity and physics. As a liquid, it’s a malleable (and delicious) form that needs some sort of container in order to be properly held (and coddled).

  CASKS

  Casks are tightly sealed containers made of wooden planks reinforced by iron rings. Yes, a cask is basically a fancy word for “barrel.” But it’s also the traditional vessel to transport and age the brew.

  PROS: Contributes to the taste and aroma of the beer; cool and old school.

  CON: A short, temperamental shelf life.

  BREW FACT

  “Casks are not stored under pressure so they have to settle once delivered to the pub, to allow the yeast to drift to the bottom and not end up in someone’s pint. After a couple of weeks, the beer is said to have ‘dropped bright’ and is ready for serving.”

  —RICHARD TAYLOR,

  Beer expert and host of TheBeerCast.com

  KEGS

  Kegs are a sleek, modern take on the cask. They are one of the most common and efficient ways of transporting and serving mass quantities of the good stuff, especially since they store their contents under pressure.

  PRO: Often fresh, extremely versatile, delight-fully large quantity.

  CONS: Can weigh more than 150 pounds, needs to be returned to the store, requires a tap and skill to operate.

  GROWLERS

  If the mini keg and the bottle met through a personal ad on Craigslist and got a little freaky, the growler would be showing up at the beer bottle’s house eighteen years later with a lot of awkward questions.

  The growler is a big glass jug that is typically around a half gallon to a gallon. The thing that distinguishes the growler is its resealable gasket cap. More often than not, growlers are found in brewpubs and small breweries as a way to sell take-out beer.

  PROS: Can be refilled at favorite brewery, fits in fridge, cool to say.

  CON: Only keeps the beer fresh for about a week.

  BEER BY THE GLANCE

  KEG TYPES

  1. Mini keg (aka bubba keg): 1.3 gallons

  2. Party ball (aka disco ball): 5 gallons

  3. Home brew (aka corny keg): 5 gallons

  4. Quarter barrel (aka pony keg): 7.75 gallons

  5. Full keg (aka half barrel): 15.5 gallons

  BOTTLE TYPES

  1. Pony bottle: 6–8 fluid ounces

  2. Stubby: 12 fluid ounces

  3. Longneck (industry standard): 12 fluid ounces

  4. Deuce deuce (rocket or bomber): 22 fluid ounces

  5. Forty: 40 fluid ounces

  6. Darwin stubby: 67.6 fluid ounces

  BOTTLES

  In a lot of ways, bottles are the gold standard of beer containers. They store the beer safely, they keep beer fresh, and, most importantly, they’re convenient. Beer bottles are typically made of glass, though plastic and aluminum ones do exist. They also come in a plethora of shapes and sizes and colors, and are instrumental props in many enjoyable drinking games.

  PROS: Convenient, great tasting, can serve as a weapon in bar fight.

  CONS: Fragile, may require opener, susceptible to the dreaded “skunking” effect.

  CANS

  Cans are the tube socks of beer packaging: not particularly sexy, but very effective and strangely comforting. These relative newcomers were not introduced until right after Prohibition. They proved to be cheaper, lighter, and safer than glass bottles.

  PROS: Most portable, chills fast, same name as funny body parts.

  CONS: Can add metallic taste to beer, doesn’t make great “clink” sound when toasting.

  BEER BY THE GLANCE

  CAN TYPES

  1. Squat: 8 fluid ounces

  2. Standard: 12 fluid ounces

  3. Sleek: 12 fluid ounces

  4. Pounder, tallboy (original size): 16 fluid ounces

  5. Draught flow: 16.9 fluid ounces

  6. Whoop-ass, tallboy (current size): 24 fluid ounces

  SHOULD I CUT MY SIX-PACK RING?

  People in the biz call them “yokes.” Environmentalists call them Marine Life Death Traps. But in reality, six-pack rings contribute very little to marine litter and wildlife headlocks. In fact, the manufacturer of these rings has agreed to use a recyclable plastic that will even photo-degrade within ninety days.

  POP A CAP: THE GREAT DEBATE

  THE CROWN

  First patented in 1891 in the United States, the crown cap (aka crown cork) is the worldwide leader in capping beers. Sure, you may need an opener to pry it off. But it’s this stick-to-itiveness that also makes it a more airtight enclosure.

  THE TWIST-OFF

  First introduced in 1966, this relative newbie bypasses the need for an opener and the danger of chipped teeth by putting the power in your hands. A simple twist and you’ve entered beer nirvana. Unfortunately, because the oxygen barrier is a little less impermeable, your brew might go bad sooner.

  BEER BANTER

  “I would kill every last man in this room for one drop of sweet beer.”

  —HOMER SIMPSON

  BREW FACT

  Early cans were conical and sealed with bottle caps to work with existing machinery. This, however, made beeramids even less stable than Lindsay Lohan.

  HE WHO SMELT IT, SKUNKED IT:

  SKUNKY BEER AND HOW TO AVOID IT

  Have you ever cracked open a beer on a hot summer day only to be greeted with a stinky, nostril-twitching aroma? You’ve just opened a skunked or light-struck beer. This occurs when ultraviolet (UV) rays strike the beer and cause certain molecules within the beer’s hops to undergo a chemical change—the hops transform into sulfur compounds. Coincidentally, sulfur is the same element responsible for skunks’ potent defensive smell, making the term “skunked beer” eerily accurate.

  To avoid this funk, store bottles (especially clear and green bottles) out of direct light in a cool, dark place—like inside your stomach.

  BEER GLASSES—not to be confused with beer goggles, which will be discussed later—are critical for two reasons. First, they hold your beer, allowing you to drink it. Second, that first reason just about says it all.

  THE PINT GLASS

  Holding between sixteen and eighteen ounces, the pint glass is almost cylindrical, except for a gradual widening at the top. These are a favorite of bartenders for their stackability and versatility. Bar patrons, meanwhile, like them for their stealability. The wider top makes them ideal for beers with thicker, more flavorful heads, such as stouts, porters, and ales.

  PILSNER

  Tall and tapered, the pilsner glass is shaped like a stretched out pint glass that holds twelve ounces. Because of its statuesque, slender build, it’s perfect for showing off the body of brilliantly clear brews. The shape also helps the beer keep its head. And while it’s called a pilsner glass for a reason, this accommodating glass will make any lager with a crisp body and light coloring will feel right at home.

  TULIP

  The tulip glass looks similar to its floral namesake. With an almost pear-shaped body, the top crests outward, which forces a lot of the beer’s volatiles up in order to make a denser head. Various pale ales—IPAs in particular—benefit from this head-boosting glass. In addition, it may remind certain individuals to tell off-color jokes about “tulips” and “organs.”

  BEER BY THE GLANCE

  RANDOM OTHER BEER GLASS SIZES

  Pony: 5 fluid ounces

  Half-pint: 8–10 fluid ounces

  Schooner: 15–21 fluid ounces

  Mason jar: 8–32 fluid ounces

  Seidel: 16–32 fluid ounces

  WEIZEN GLASS

  T
he weizen glass looks like the pilsner glass’s bigger, overprotective brother. Averaging about a half-liter in serving size, the weizen glass is taller and thicker than the pilsner glass and also crests outward. As with the tulip, its crested design is intended to contain a robust head while its slender build helps show off the wheat ale’s body and color.

  STEIN

  It’s no surprise that this is a product of Germany: its no-nonsense engineering makes it the ultimate drinking machine. It even makes a statement when not in use, which is why the stein is so popular among collectors. Plus, the metal lid protects your Oktoberfest lagers from bugs and errant sauerkraut particles.

  BREW FACT

  Beer steins wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for the Black Plague. The first stein was invented in Germany around 1525 and included a protective lid to prevent filthy, plague-carrying insects from entering a patron’s frothy beer.

  COACH SAYS

  An American pint is sixteen ounces, but a British imperial pint is a full twenty ounces. Looks like there is still some Great left in Britain, after all.

  DRINKER DICTIONARY

  TRAVELERS

  n. Beers you take with you on the way to events, bars, parties. Also known as road sodas or roadies.

  FROSTED MUG

  Beer purists hate that the mug’s freezing temperature and the melting ice dilute the liquid and taste. Your average American loves it for the exact same reason. Loved or despised, this is a classic symbol of beer hedonism—perfectly complementing that domestic light beer and that Applebee’s two-for-$20 special after a long day at Super Target.

  PLASTIC CUP

  The plastic cup is similar to a pint glass, only lighter and without the overwhelming responsibility that comes from using fragile glassware. The smooth sides reduce head retention and the wide mouth dissipates some of the carbonation, both of which are important factors for improving the gulpability of cheap lager.

  BEER BANTER

  “I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”

  —FRANK SINATRA

  NONTRADITIONAL RECEPTACLES

  A seasoned beer drinker must know how to imbibe from any number of sources, preferably without soaking oneself in the process. Here are some common uncommon vessels to consider.

  YARD GLASS

  This three-foot-tall glass has a long widening shaft and round bulbous end. (Did that description suddenly turn erotic?) In seventeenth-century England, it was used for feasts and displays of prowess. Today, ditto. But be prepared for the rush of beer that will come when air enters the bulbous end.

  GLASS BOOT

  This is rumored to date back to the Prussian War when a general promised to drink from his boot if his troops won. They did. And he had a glass boot fashioned so he could still fulfill his pledge while avoiding his nasty foot funk. Slowly turn the beer boot as you reach that last bit of beer in the toe, thereby avoiding pressure buildup and the ensuing soakage.

  REAL BOOT

  A storied rugby tradition is to celebrate a player’s first try (a goal) by shooting the boot—drinking a beer from a teammate’s recently worn and muddied cleats. While nothing can make this less putrid, try pointing the toes up and toward one side to avoid having your nose buried in the business end of the boot.

  FRISBEE

  The ultimate symbol of carefree fun and innocence has a darker side. Despite its shallow, round shape, the average disc can hold nearly four beers. Take it slow and steady, like drinking out of your morning cereal bowl.

  YARD FLAMINGO

  Few things represent your social position on the sprawl of modern suburbia like an upside-down flamingo with its legs removed, beak snipped in half, and body full of beer.

  ALL BEER DRINKERS have their own personal preferences when it comes to how cold they like their beer—and we respect that. But when in doubt, a beer’s color is the best indicator of its optimal drinking temperature. In general, the lighter the beer’s color, the colder it should be when served. An even better guideline is, the cheaper the beer, the colder it should be served. That said, there are many methods and equipment to keep your brew as frosty as need be for any occasion.

  BEER BY THE GLANCE

  TEMPERATURE GUIDE

  Ice cold (32°F–39°F): Golden ale, ice beer, malt liquor, cheap beer

  Pretty cold (39°F–45°F): Belgian whites, duvels, hefeweizen, lager (premium/dark), pilsner

  Not that cold (45°F–54°F): Amber ale, Irish ale, lambic, porter, stout

  Cellar (54°F–57°F): Bitter, bock, brown ale, India pale ale (IPA), strong ale

  Warm (57°F–61°F): Barley wine, imperial stout

  THE REFRIGERATOR

  AKA FRIDGE, ICEBOX

  The old faithful of beer storing apparatuses, the refrigerator is one of the best ways to chill beer. Refrigerators function as giant insulated boxes that use a heat pump to suck the heat out and keep the contents cold at an average 35–40 degrees Fahrenheit. Because of their size, these modern-day iceboxes are often considered the “home base” of beer storage and cooling.

  THE KEGERATOR

  AKA KEG LOCKER, WEAPON OF MASS CONSUMPTION

  Perhaps one of the greatest innovations in home beer-cooling technology, the kegerator allows the user to store and serve draft beer straight from the keg and in the comfort of their own home. It’s as if an inventor looked at a keg then looked at his refrigerator, shook his head and said, “No, no, no, this won’t do at all.” Once the keg is stored, it’s tapped into a draft on top of the storage unit that provides a seemingly endless stream of goodness and—at its optimal 38 degrees Fahrenheit—maintains the beer’s quality for months.

  THE COOLER

  AKA COOL BOX, PORTABLE ICE CHEST, CHILLY BIN

  Portable coolers were invented in the early 1950s, and have since become a necessity in any situation that involves taking beer on the go. Initially made of metal, the cooler has since evolved into a lightweight plastic device that can keep beer cold and enjoyable for extended periods of time. While it takes a little effort to load up and cool down, the benefits are significant: cold beer always within reach and plenty of convenient, ass-friendly seating.

  PROPER FRIDGE CHILLAGE TECHNIQUES

  Fill her up: A full fridge is optimal for maintaining the perfect temperature throughout the opening and closing of a good party. So for the most efficient energy use, buy a lot of beer and stock it up.

  Keep things flowing: An overfull fridge is suboptimal when it comes to cooling down your brews. Leave room for air to circulate around the precious cargo.

  Patience is a beertue: A beertue is like a virtue, but with beer. And you will need this particular beertue to allow for the approximately ninety minutes the appliance needs to bring the beer down to a drinkable temperature.

  Creative compartmentalization: Make sure to place some emergency beers in less obvious locations like the butter tray and vegetable crisper. This increases the odds that you can always locate some liquid, even after your guests mooch the rest.

  PROPER COOLER CHILLAGE TECHNIQUES

  Plan ahead: Many think that the best way to fill a cooler is to throw a bunch of ice and beer in there and close the top, but that mentality is a lot like putting ketchup on steak: just because a lot of people do it doesn’t make it right.

  Master the stack: Placing beer in a cooler isn’t as simple as just dumping them in. Space management is key; you want to get as many as possible in without packing them too tightly. Be sure to leave some space between each can or bottle.

  On thin ice: After laying down one layer of beers, pour a thin layer of ice over them. Be sure not to overdo it, as too much ice will take up precious can space.

  Get wet: Pour a small amount of cold water over the ice and beer. Be sure not to use too much—the purpose of the water is to melt the ice slightly and make a subzero bath of water that will cool the beer in a hurry.

  Feeling salty: The secret
weapon to ensuring your brewskis get ice-cold is rock salt. It lowers the freezing point of the water and greatly magnifies your cooling ability, thereby allowing you to get warm drinks ice-cold in as little as five minutes.

  COACH SAYS

  Consider starting a beer cellar. Some beers truly do get better—or at least mature a little—with age. Find a room that’s consistently around 50–55 degrees Fahrenheit. And make sure to put a good lock on the door.