by Dan DiSorbo
THE POINTER SISTERS SHIMMY
Although admittedly more advanced than many of the techniques on our list, this funky full-bodied dance move does a brilliant job of letting everyone know you’re excited, you just can’t hide it, you’re about to lose control, and you think you like it.
BELCHING: THE AUDIBLE ART
While social decorum may have many believing otherwise, belching can be a beautiful thing. A natural physiological reaction to drinking carbonated beverages, a good belch not only makes a drinker feel better physically, but it can also be turned into an art form.
As with any art, belching comes in a variety of mediums and methods. Below is a short list of better-known belches. Experiment with different methods and brews and release your inner (gastrointestinal) artist.
THE T-REX: This epic belch comes from the bottom of the gut and is shouted out with maximum volume. Not only is this formidable burp very intimidating, but it also scares weaker drinkers away from the keg or cooler.
THE ALPHABET: The belch for the learned drinker. Though the alphabet is composed of nothing more than short, simple burps that sound like each letter, it’s much more difficult to pull off than it sounds. Stamina and pacing are key to popping all twenty-six letters out of the throat.
THE GRUMBLER: Best achieved with heavier beers, the Grumbler is a low, guttural burp dragged out over the longest period of time imaginable. If done right, fellow drinkers within earshot will have a hard time discerning the belcher from an angry crocodile in heat.
THE DEMON: Nothing strikes fear into others like this paranormal feat of carbonated artistry. A hybrid of the Alphabet and the Grumbler, this burp has the performer talk in a low, burped voice, making him sound like he’s in need of an exorcism.
THE FOREHEAD CRUSH
With all due respect to Hulk Hogan’s legendary Leg Drop, there is no finishing move quite as dramatic as the Forehead Crush. This headache-inducing maneuver lets everyone in the room know you’re a no-nonsense, pedal-to-the-metal, shit-kicking alpha drinker.
STEP 1. CHOOSE A VICTIM. Start with an empty beer can that is devoid of any bends or dings. It’s best if the can has warmed up since being emptied—room temperature is ideal. Place the can upside down and rest it on the palm.
STEP 2. PRE-PINCH. Slightly press the fingers into the wall of the can. This will weaken it to the point where the forehead won’t need to do a painful amount of work to crush the can.
STEP 3. SEAL THE DEAL. When it’s time to get the job done, fling the can toward the forehead, continuing to crush the fingers into the walls of the can. When the can meets forehead, let the hand do all the work to reduce the pain and increase the impact. If the can has been gripped right, it should crumple into a tiny metal pancake as it hits. If not, use some cooler ice to treat the swollen forehead area.
THE KEG TOSS
Just because the keg is tapped doesn’t mean the fun is over. The keg toss keeps the party going and testosterone flowing.
FOR HEIGHT
To emulate your favorite strongman competition, use the pendulum method. From the pre-NBA free-throw stance, use a fluid (no pun intended) swinging motion with the keg between your legs to generate some momentum. Release backward over your head at the apex of your swing.
FOR DISTANCE
This is an ode to Thor. Like throwing a mighty hammer, discus, or little person, the key is centrifugal force. Hold the top of the keg with both hands and begin moving your whole body in a circular spin movement. Increase the speed, picking up momentum and extreme dizziness until you release the keg in the general direction you want.
BEER MAKES EVERYTHING MORE FUN, after all. But aside from sports debates and interesting stories from that one crazy night in Tijuana, most people have little to offer in terms of entertainment while having a few pops. Enter beer tricks: a set of specifically designed techniques that will help you amaze and astound everyone with your mastery of beer’s magical powers.
THE INSTANT FREEZING BEER
The Instant Freezing Beer is an eye-grabbing trick that can be done very easily while giving fellow drinkers the idea that the performer is actually a witch in need of a burning.
THE EFFECT: You show a clear glass bottle of beer. You open it up and pour out a little bit. Then you tap the bottle on the table and it immediately begins to freeze—right before their very eyes.
THE SECRET: The beer has already been chilled in the freezer just to brink of freezing—but not over. Put an unopened bottle in the freezer for about three hours. After it’s close to frozen but still liquid, place in the refrigerator just before you want to bust it out.
THE PERFORMANCE: When it’s time to perform, crack open the bottle. Gently pour some beer out and make a loud throat-clearing noise. With the audience’s attention captured, tap the top of the bottle hard with bottom of another bottle. This will cause the beer to release carbon dioxide. With the carbondioxide molecules released, the beer will begin forming ice crystals. Act as if it is possessed, throw it against a wall, and run away (optional).
MAGIC TRICK VS. BEER TRICK
Done in a cloud of dry ice vs. Done in a bar
Performed to get friends vs. Performed for friends
Impresses kids vs. Impresses potential mates
Magic word: abracadabra vs. Magic word: [never use one]
IN CASE OF BAR FIGHT, DON’T BREAK GLASS
Hold on to your seats: movies aren’t 100 percent accurate. Do you remember when the loose-cannon main character smashes a bottle on the bar to create a weapon he then waves, saying, “Who wants a piece of this?” That’s not a real bottle. Scored sugar glass is used since real glass is too unpredictable. As an amorphous solid, it can crack in any old direction.
THE AMAZING SPIDER-BOTTLE
A crowded party can often present drinkers with a problem: where to place empties. Thanks to this adhesive illusion, a savvy drinker can get rid of an empty while making an impression.
THE EFFECT: You finish your beer and rub the bottle up and down the wall in the corner of a room—and amazingly, when you let go, it stays stuck to the wall.
THE SECRET: Friction can heat up the paint on the walls, making them sticky enough to hold the empty bottle in place.
THE PERFORMANCE: Scout the right location. Look for a corner in which both sides are painted. Next, make sure the bottle is dry — wipe off any condensation. Place the bottle firmly in the corner with the glass making contact with both of the corner’s walls. Quickly rub the bottle up and down against the walls a few times. Carefully let go and the bottle should stay up.
Note: This trick can ruin the paint job on the walls, so only perform it in the home of someone you don’t really care for.
THE IMPOSSIBLE BLOW
Few tricks are easier to perform and more embarrassing for an unsuspecting friend. It can also work as a beer bet to earn you free drinks.
THE EFFECT: You turn an empty bottle on its side and place a bent bottle cap just barely inside the neck. Then you challenge a friend or random townie to blow the cap into the bottle.
THE SECRET: The force of the air will reflect from inside the bottle and bounce back out, keeping the cap from entering the bottle. Try as they might, it just won’t happen.
THE PERFORMANCE: You just need to leave about a quarter of the bent cap sticking out. As your friend tries mightily to blow it in, be sure to feign surprise when it just doesn’t go in.
Bring on the Games
NOW THAT YOU’RE thoroughly soaked with some proper beer wisdom, it’s high time you upgrade to champion status. Because a true mastery of beer must also include a working knowledge of beer-related games.
Far from a new phenomenon, drinking games are nearly as old as alcohol itself. The earliest known reference to these booze-fueled contests can be traced back to 385 b.c.e. in Plato’s Symposium. This ancient document carefully lays out the rules to Kottabos, a game of skill in which drops of wine were flicked from a player’s cup at a metal disk several feet away. Winne
rs were rewarded for their accuracy with special cakes and kisses from serving boys (it was Greece, after all).
Kottabos, and other games like it, continued to develop over the years and now there are literally thousands of games for the discriminating imbiber to choose from. Lucky for us all, we’ve carefully tested, selected, and broken down the best beer drinking games and put them into words that will be just as easy to understand after your first or your umpteenth beer. And to help you navigate which game is best suited for your beer drinking desires, we’ve also included this handy decision chart.
Let’s play!
DRINKING GAME BASICS
DRINK:
The term “drink” refers to the amount of beer a player consumes as a penalty (or reward). A drink is typically one to two ounces of beer or about a two-second sip.
SOCIAL:
The point in a game where all the players must take a drink together.
HOUSE RULES:
These are the idiosyncratic laws developed by a group. These supersede all other rules, even those in this book. Always make sure you are familiar with any house rules before you partake.
SUDSMANSHIP:
This is the drinking version of sportsmanship. Sore losers and sorer winners can ruin a party in the same amount of time it takes to shotgun a beer. Play with honor or don’t play at all.
Thinking meets drinking.
WHEN TRUE COMPETITORS GET TOGETHER and discuss the greatest head-to-head duels of all time, they generally mention Ali vs. Frazier, Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant, or Biggie vs. Tupac. But those all pale in comparison to the greatest head-to-(beer)head battle that occurs each time you crack open a beer: drinking vs. thinking.
In one corner you have your brain, a highly evolved organ designed to help you learn, retain, and retrieve previously presented material. And in the other you have beer, a tasty liquid so powerful it can make you forget your name, the date, and the fact that you totally suck at singing karaoke. Put them together and what do you get? The basis for a full lineup of tantalizing games!
Man is a social animal who has always felt an innate need to align himself with those who share his interests and core values. This deep-rooted desire to connect with like-minded souls can be traced back to prehistoric times, when he would hunt in packs. And this tribal connection is alive and well (not to mention well-refreshed) today with the Buffalo Club.
WHAT YOU’LL NEED BESIDES BEER
An ability to remember one very simple rule
SETUP
Buffalo Club is played with as many players as you want.
All players must have a beer in their possession.
Before the game can begin, a new player must be enrolled in the Buffalo Club by an initiated member.
The new player must interlock their lefty pinky around the left pinky of the initiated member and repeat the following phrase: “I (state your first and last name) promise to follow all the rules of the Buffalo Club.”
GAME PLAY
Once initiated, Buffalo Club must be played for the rest of your life. The rules are valid anywhere, anytime, and with any kind of alcoholic beverage (yes, even appletinis).
All initiated players must hold and drink beer in their non-dominant hand at all times.
SCORING (DRINKING) METHOD
If somebody yells “Buffalo Club!” out loud when you are holding a beer in your dominant hand, you must drink the rest of the beer you’re holding.
If you accidently drink it with your dominant hand when “Buffalo Club!” is called, you must drink an additional drink.
If you call “Buffalo Club!” on somebody when he is actually holding the beer with the proper hand, he may call “False Buffalo!” and you are obligated to finish your own beer.
THE ORIGINAL BUFFALO CLUB
The original Buffalo Club was founded in 1867 as a members-only society in, you guessed it, Buffalo, New York. And it counted U.S. presidents Grover Cleveland and Millard Fillmore among its members.
COACH SAYS
Special care must be made when drinking with left-handed Buffalos.
There’s nothing funnier than watching a prudish player scream out a stream of obscenities. That’s the appeal of Fuzzy Duck, a tongue-twisting, mouth-mangling, profanity-inducing game that challenges players to correctly repeat a simple phrase. Sound easy? It’s ducking not!
WHAT YOU’LL NEED BESIDES BEER
A loose and limber tongue
SETUP
Fuzzy Duck is played with a minimum of four players.
Players must sit in a circle with their beer within arm’s reach.
GAME PLAY
One player begins by saying “Fuzzy duck” and passes play to the left.
The next player must answer “Ducky fuzz,” which continues to pass play to the left.
Players alternate the phrases “Fuzzy duck” and “Ducky fuzz” in order.
Any player may also say “Does she?” and this phrase changes the order to the opposite direction and the passing word to “Fuzzy duck.”
Play continues quickly until someone invariably messes up (it will happen sooner than you think).
BREW FACT
Tongue twisters exist in nearly every language, including American Sign Language.
SCORING (DRINKING) METHOD
If a player gets tongue-twisted she receives one point and must take a drink.
Any player who misses her turn receives one point and must take a drink.
If a player speaks out of turn she receives one point and must take a drink.
A player is eliminated once she accumulates three points.
Play continues until there is only one player remaining.
HOW TO DECIDE WHO GOES FIRST
Sure, flipping a coin or playing rock-paper-scissors are fine ways to determine playing order, but sometimes you need to make a change and crank it up a notch.
Biggest or smallest earlobes
Most tattoos
Most piercings
Dance-off
Longest last name
First person to drop a deuce on command
Most push-ups
Least money in wallet
Shortest pinkie
Stare-off
Closest birthday to today
Worst smelling shoes
Worst smelling
COACH SAYS
Fuzzy Duck is a game of real strategy. Look at the wrong player when you utter your phrase to try and trick them into thinking it’s his turn.
If you’ve never played I Never, you’re in for a very pleasant surprise. A variation of Truth or Dare, this hilariously risqué game helps loosen the tension in a crowd by revealing a group’s deepest, darkest secrets. As an added bonus, it’s the perfect game for determining carnal compatibility with your fellow players.
WHAT YOU’LL NEED BESIDES BEER
A group of uninhibited perverts
COACH SAYS
Stay away from the one who took a sip when someone said, “I never made a sex tape with an alpaca.” Trust me.
SETUP
I Never requires a minimum of three players—but more players equals more fun.
Lurkers are not recommended—everyone must be involved to encourage optimal rule compliance.
Players sit in a circle with their beers within arm’s reach and hold up all ten of their fingers (sorry, Telly Savalas).
GAME PLAY
Players take turns making a statement beginning with the phrase, “I never …”
Play continues in a clockwise formation.
SCORING (DRINKING) METHOD
Any player who cannot agree with a statement must take a sip of his drink and put down one finger. For example, if someone says, “I never played this game before,” then any player who has played before must drink and put down a finger.
If no one drinks to the statement, then the player who made the statement must drink and put down one finger.
The player who makes the statement must also drink and
put down one finger if he cannot agree with his own statement. This is referred to as a “self-sacrifice” and is often used to trick another player into admitting something quite revealing.
A player is eliminated once he has all ten fingers down.
Play continues until only one player remains.
No explanation or elaboration is required about one’s response.
I NEVER QUESTION SUGGESTIONS
Getting other players to admit to outrageous stuff is what makes this game so much fun, so be creative with your statements. Here are some sample questions to take for a test drive before you think of your own:
I never peed in a public pool.