by Dan DiSorbo
I never toked up with my English teacher.
I never slept with my boss.
I never cheated on a test.
I never got aroused by Betty or Veronica.
I never fooled around in my parents’ bed.
I never had cosmetic surgery.
I never cheated on my taxes.
I never fantasized about someone else during sex.
I never faked an orgasm.
I never lied to get a job.
I never had a one-night stand.
I never used a fake ID.
I never paid for sex.
I never laughed so hard I peed.
I never ate my own booger.
I never talked my way out of a traffic ticket.
I never went a full day without wearing clothes.
I never cross-dressed.
There are more than 200,000 people living in Hollywood and every one of them has a name. Some of them are alliterative (Sharon Stone), some of them are grandiose (Engelbert Humperdinck) and some of them are downright crude (Terra Hymen). The one thing they share in common is that they can all be used in the Name Game, a fabulous drinking contest that challenges players to rattle off the names of the rich and famous. It looks like all of those years of reading People magazine in your dentist’s office have finally paid off!
WHAT YOU’LL NEED BESIDES BEER
A rudimentary understanding of the alphabet
SETUP
The Name Game is played with a minimum of two players.
Players sit in a circle with their beer within arm’s reach.
GAME PLAY
One player begins by saying the first and last name of a famous person. For example, let’s begin with American statesman and brewer Samuel Adams.
Play passes to the next player who has to say the name of a famous person whose first name starts with the first letter of the last name of the previous famous person. For example, Angelina Jolie, because Adams and Angelina both begin with the letter “A.”
Play continues around the circle in a clockwise formation.
If a player comes up with a name that has double initials (e.g., Jesse James) the direction gets reversed.
Play continues quickly until someone invariably messes up.
SCORING (DRINKING) METHOD
If a player takes longer than three seconds to come up with a name, she receives one point and must take a drink.
If a player uses the wrong initial to start the name, she receives one point and must take a drink.
If a player repeats a name that has already been used, she receives one point and must take a drink.
If a player makes up a name (e.g., Dick Stroker) or uses a nickname (e.g., Iron Mike instead of Mike Tyson) or uses a fictional character’s name (e.g., Holden Caulfield), she receives one point and must take a drink. Names must be real people, dead or alive.
If a player utters the name of a one-word celebrity (e.g., Cher, Prince, or Snooki), the next person in the circle misses her turn.
If a player uses a triple-word name (e.g., Sarah Jessica Parker), everyone must take a drink.
After a triple-word name, play begins again with the next player saying a brand-new name.
A player is eliminated when she accumulates three points.
Play continues until only one player remains.
ALTERNATE RULE
Add some difficulty by starting each round with a particular category: actors, athletes, porn stars, etc. This adds another layer of thinking to your drinking.
BREW FACT
The longest name in history is: Adolph Blaine Charles David Earl Frederick Gerald Hubert Irvim John Kenneth Loyd Martin Nero Oliver Paul Quincy Randolph Sherman Thomas Uncas Victor Willian Xerxes Yancy Zeus Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenberdorft Sr. (Mr. Hubert Wolfe for short).
You don’t need a rhyme or reason to play the game of Rhymes,
You simply need a little beer and friends who like good times.
So go gather in a circle and let this game begin,
When there’s this much beer involved everybody will win.
WHAT YOU’LL NEED BESIDES BEER
An appreciation for Dr. Seuss
SETUP
Rhymes is played with a minimum of two players.
Players sit or stand in a circle with their beer within arm’s reach.
COACH SAYS
Keep this game fun and simple with words like “ale” and “beer” because no one likes a wiseass who tries to drop in words like “difficult” or “orange.”
BREW FACT
There are no perfect rhymes for the word “month.” If someone says it, challenge it!
GAME PLAY
The first player says a word, any word.
The next player must say a new word that rhymes with the previous word.
Play continues in a clockwise formation until someone messes up.
SCORING (DRINKING) METHOD
If a player takes longer than three seconds to come up with a word, he receives one point and must take a drink.
If a player says a non-rhyming word, he receives one point and must take a drink.
If a player repeats a word, he receives one point and must take a drink.
If the first player picks a word that doesn’t seem to have a rhyme, the next player can challenge him to come up with a rhyme for his own word. If they can’t, he takes a drink and receives one point. If he can, the challenger must drink twice and receives two points.
Play begins again with the next player saying a brand-new word. In this case, the word does not have to rhyme with the previous word.
A player is eliminated once he has accumulated three points.
Play continues until only one player remains.
FIFTEEN WORDS WITH UNUSUAL PERFECT RHYMES
Keep these zingers in your back pocket to rule the next game of Rhymes.
ARUGULA rhymes with BUGULA (a type of fern)
CHAOS rhymes with NAOS (a chamber in Greek temples)
CIRCLE rhymes with HURKLE (to pull in all your limbs)
ELSE rhymes with WELS (a kind of fish)
MIDST rhymes with DIDST (a form of the word “did”)
MUSIC rhymes with AGEUSIC (to lack a sense of taste)
ORANGE rhymes with BLORENGE (a hill in Wales)
PINT rhymes with RYNT (a word farmers use to get a cow to move)
PURPLE rhymes with CURPLE (the hindquarters of a horse)
RHYTHM rhymes with SMITHAM (fine malt dust)
SILVER rhymes with CHILVER (a female lamb)
TOILET rhymes with OILLET (an eyelet)
WASP rhymes with KNOSP (a decorative knob)
WIDTH rhymes with SIDTH (another word for “length”)
WOMAN rhymes with TOMAN (a Persian coin)
Anyone who likes to get a little rowdy (who doesn’t?) when they drink is sure to love Thumper! This awesomely raucous game encourages players to pound on a tabletop while they take turns flashing hand signs like drunken Vikings with West Coast gang affiliations.
WHAT YOU’LL NEED BESIDES BEER
One sturdy table
SETUP
Thumper! is played with a minimum of five players.
Players sit at a table with their beers within arm’s reach.
Each player picks a unique hand gesture (okay sign, thumbs-up, hang ten, etc.).
Each player should take a few moments to familiarize everyone with his or her gesture.
GAME PLAY
All players pound the table in unison like they’re playing the drums.
The first player yells out, “What’s the name of the game?” and all the players scream, “THUMPER!” The first player then responds, “And why do we play it?” All the other players scream a variation of “To get fired up!” (Or any other F word that comes to mind.)
The first player does a hand gesture for a beat and then immediately follows it with another player’s gesture. This is called a “pass.”
The player whose gesture was j
ust introduced must now perform her own gesture for a few beats and immediately follows it with another player’s gesture.
COACH SAYS
Never stop thumping your hands on the table. Not only is it a rule of the game, but it also actually helps keep you focused.
SCORING (DRINKING) METHOD
Any player who misses her pass receives one point and must take a drink.
Any player who messes up another player’s gesture receives one point and must take a drink.
Any player who performs a motion that no one recognizes receives two points and must take a drink.
After each drink, everyone starts thumping the table again and the player who performed the pass begins again by yelling out, “What’s the name of the game?”
A player is eliminated once she has accumulated five points.
BREW FACT
Actor Peter Behn was only four years old when he voiced the character of Thumper in Bambi. He later went on to attend Yale, where he probably played Thumper!
ADVANCED HAND GESTURES
Sure, a peace sign, the middle finger, and the jerk-off gesture are all acceptable, but here are eight more examples you can bring to the Thumper table.
TUNE IN TOKYO
This gesture is made by twisting your nipples.
BUMPIN’ UGLIES
This gesture is made by poking one index finger through the hole formed by your other index finger and thumb.
CUT IT OUT
Uncle Joey’s signature movement from Full House.
2 LEGIT 2 QUIT
The eponymous move from M.C. Hammer’s chart-topping, shark-jumping song.
AIR QUOTES
This gesture is made by raising both hands to eye level and pumping the index and middle fingers.
THROAT SLASH
Run your “thumbs-up” rapidly across your throat to make the classic “I keeel you” sign.
THE SHOCKER
Curling your ring finger and thumb down while extending your remaining fingers makes a gesture that’s just too explicit for this family-friendly book.
JAZZ HANDS
Wave both hands, palms out, with your fingers splayed to create the international sign for fabulousness.
Time for blood, sweat, and beers.
UNLIKE OTHER GAMES that focus on the warm embrace of camaraderie or the fickle finger of fate, games of strategy are about premeditated victory. They play into our deeply ingrained human need to dominate, manipulate, and make others fetch the beer.
This aggressive, deceptive side of our nature may not be the noblest part of humanity. But it needs some exercising. Success in life is largely dependent on how you analyze your competition, take advantage of opportunities, and lead others. In short, you need a manipulative side, even if you don’t particularly like it.
So how do we reconcile this inner conflict? Well, with these games of strategy, of course.
Arguably the best known of all strategic drinking games, Asshole requires mental dexterity and a degree of cunning. It also relies on our innate need to both subjugate and displace our peers in even the most ramshackle hierarchy. Have Lord of the Flies and the good seasons of Survivor taught us nothing? No? Well, Asshole will.
WHAT YOU’LL NEED BESIDES BEER
A deck of playing cards
SETUP
Asshole is ideally played with four or more players. If more than six are playing, you may want to use two decks.
Before the game starts, players agree to card rankings. Typically, cards are ranked lowest to highest (four is the lowest and ace is the highest). Twos are clear cards that automatically clear the round and trump anything and everything played; threes are wild cards and the player may choose any value except two.
All of the cards are dealt out evenly among the players, facedown.
All players look at their own hand but don’t show it to the others.
COACH SAYS
In all games involving cards, always deal starting with the player to the left, continuing in a clockwise direction. Don’t question it, that’s just the way it is.
BREW FACT
Asshole is actually an Americanized version of Dai Hin Min, a popular Japanese card game. The name change has certainly confused many Japanese exchange students.
GAME PLAY
The player who has the four of clubs starts by laying down that card and play begins clockwise.
Players, in order, must discard a card higher than the previous card or pass on that turn. For example, when a four is the lead card, the next player must play a card equal to or higher than a four, then the next player has to play equal to or higher than that. Suit does not matter.
If a player lays down a card equal to the one on the table (e.g., playing a four on a four), the next player in line is skipped.
A player may throw out any card to start a round. Multiples of the same card can also be used to start a round. For example, if the player has two fours, this person may play both cards. The next player must play two (not one and not three) cards of the same value equal to or higher than four (e.g., the other two fours, two fives, or two of anything higher).
A new hand starts when someone plays a two (the clear card) or all players pass. The last player to play a card leads the next hand.
Play continues until all players get rid of their cards. The first player out of cards is the President for the next round, the next player out becomes the VP, the player out after that is Secretary, and the last person out is the Asshole.
As a penalty, the Asshole must always deal and clear the cards for all the remaining games. He must also give the two best cards in his hand to the President while the President gives his two worst cards to the Asshole in exchange.
The President is the first player to start each round and play continues in order down the ranks.
At the end of each round, players move seats in order to reflect their rank and proper playing order based on who finished first. Rank may change after each round and seats must be adjusted accordingly.
When dealing, the Asshole must always start with himself and distribute the cards in order of rank from low to high.
DRINKER DICTIONARY
BEER BITCH
n. The person temporarily responsible for fetching and distributing beers to everyone else. Often the job of the Asshole.
SCORING (DRINKING) METHOD
If you are skipped or have to pass on your turn, you must take a drink.
When three cards of the same value are played in one round (three in a row or triples), it’s a “social” and everyone drinks.
The President can make any player drink at any time; nobody can make the President drink.
The VP can make any player drink at any time except the President and only the President can make the VP drink. The Secretary can make any player drink at any time except the President and VP and only the President and VP can make the Secretary drink.
The remaining players can only make the Asshole drink. The Asshole cannot make any other player drink and must refill any other player’s beer when asked; however, he must first have the President’s permission to do so.
If the President remains President for three consecutive rounds he must initiate a “board meeting,” which starts with a “waterfall” (everyone drinks and is not allowed to stop drinking until the rank above them stops drinking) and ends with the President issuing a special edict—a random yet mandatory rule that is selected for all remaining games (see B-E-E-R for examples of other rules).
TEN ADVANCED PRESIDENTIAL EDICTS
DESIGNATED DRINKER: After winning three games, the President can assign a “designated drinker” to do his penalty drinking.
THE COUP: If an Asshole wins a game and is elevated to President, she has the right to call a vote among other players to decide if the previous President should be automatically crowned the new Asshole.
LAST CARD RULE: If a player gets down to one card without announcing it, he must drink. The President determines
how much that player drinks.
COMMUNISM: Each player, no matter his title, turns to the player to the right and lets him blindly select a card.
SURVIVOR: Once titles are assigned, the Asshole is voted off. Keep playing until the last man is standing.
LOBBYIST GROUPS: Each player without a title takes up a cause to lobby (such as socials, waterfalls, etc.), and when she is down to her last card, she makes everyone participate in her cause.
GREEN CARDS: If a new player wants to join the game, the President and other players devise a drinking-based “citizenship test” he must pass in order to play.
ROLE REVERSAL: Place a joker in the deck. When the joker is played, all roles are swapped. The President becomes the Asshole, the Asshole becomes the President, and so on down the line.