Bring Me Back

by Micalea Smeltzer

  “Yeah.” I nod in understanding. “I can see that.” I stand up then. “I better go. I don’t want to keep you.”

  He shrugs and stands too. “I was just going to put a movie on. You can stay if you want.”

  I shake my head even though a part of me yearns to stay. “I need to go.”

  “Okay.” He nods and leads me to the door. He follows me outside and stands on his front porch, leaning against a column while I walk to my car. I open my car door, and I’m about to slip inside when he calls, “Blaire?” I turn back and see his lips lifted in a crooked smile. “The next time we kiss you won’t run away.”

  “You’re sure there will be a next time?” I’m fighting a smile.

  His grin widens. “Definitely.”

  I stare at the pile of bills. This is a reality I haven’t wanted to face. In the midst of losing Ben, I couldn’t bear the thought of losing my home too. The fact of the matter is I don’t make enough money on my own to cover the costs of a house this size. I’ve been scraping by for months and my savings is dwindling. With the baby coming I can’t go into debt.

  I push the bills off the table. “I’m moving,” I announce.

  My mom looks up from the book she’s reading. “What?”

  “I’m moving,” I say again. “I have to.”

  She’s suggested that I move in the past, but not because of the bills—although she probably assumed those were bad too. She thought I should move because this place holds so much of Ben in it. I guess that’s true too. Several months ago I would’ve thrown a fit about moving for that very reason, but now I only feel a very mild sting.

  “You’re moving?” she repeats. “Where?”

  “I don’t know yet,” I exhale, standing up from the kitchen table. “I’ll figure it out. All I know is I can’t keep paying this.” I point to the envelopes and papers on the floor.

  “Your dad and I can help you with the bills if that’s an issue—” she begins.

  I shake my head. “No. I won’t let you guys do that. I’m a big girl, this is my mess, and I’ll clean it up. I have to think about my daughter.” My hand falls to the swell of my belly. I’m nearing the seventh-month mark of pregnancy. It’s hard for me to believe she’ll be here so soon. There’s so much left I have to do.

  My mom’s face softens. “I understand. Do you want me to help you look?” She perks up.

  “Sure,” I say. “I’d like to be out of here in a month,” I admit. “It’s a short time frame but I can’t keep doing this, I really can’t,” I emphasize. “Plus, I need to get moved in somewhere and everything set up for the baby.”

  She nods her head in understanding. “I’ll contact a realtor and see about selling the house.”

  My stomach clenches at her words. I love this house. I love that Ben and I bought it together. I wanted to raise our children here. But things … Things change and I have to change with them. I can’t hold on to this house any longer and it’s only a house. I’ll make a new place my home too. A new start. A clean slate.

  “Thanks,” I tell her. “I’m heading up to my office to do a little work.”

  She nods and says, “Okay.” I wonder if she even really hears me because she’s already on her phone, busily getting to work on selling my house.

  As I go upstairs, I’m hit with a memory.

  Ben parked on the street in front of the house, and I smiled giddily at the SOLD sign.

  It was our house.

  It was large for two people, but we both knew we wanted a family in the future and didn’t see the point in having to move.

  “Do you still love it?” Ben asked, his blond hair glowing in the sunlight shining in the car window.

  “Of course,” I said excitedly.

  He held up the keys and jingled them. “Ready?”

  “Absolutely.” I swiped the keys from his hand and bolted out of the car.

  He caught me before I made it very far and swept me up into his arms.

  “What are you doing?” I laughed, wrapping my arms around his neck.

  “Carrying my bride over the threshold,” he joked, starting up the stairs to the front door.

  “I’m not your bride yet,” I told him.

  He chuckled. “Only because you refuse to set a date.”

  “We’re busy,” I reasoned. “It takes a lot of time to plan a wedding.”

  He kissed my forehead. “I know. Don’t worry. I’m willing to wait for however long it takes you to plan the perfect wedding. Okay, do the honors.” He lowered with me in his arms so I could slip the key in the lock.

  I stuck it inside and twisted the knob. Ben stepped inside with me in his arms.

  “Wow,” I said, my voice echoing around the empty space.

  He set me down and kissed me squarely on the lips. “Welcome home, baby.”

  I open my eyes and find that I’m leaning against the wall for support. I don’t want to leave this house. I don’t want to leave behind the memories and happy memories I had here, but I have to. Not just because of the money, but because I know deep down, being here, sleeping in that bed every night, it’s holding me back.

  I have to move on.

  I meet the girls at the coffee shop. We’ve met a few times since that disastrous day where I was so rude to Casey. I’m so much better now than I was then. Day by day I’m getting back to normal. When Ben first died, I didn’t believe that normalcy was possible for me. I’m happy to have been proven wrong.

  I wave at the girls, already seated at our usual table, and head to the counter to place my order. Once I have a drink and sandwich I sit down at the table.

  “Hey, how are you guys?” I ask, taking a sip of my iced tea. It’s blistering hot outside, but thankfully it’s cool in the café.

  “Good,” Chloe says, looking at her freshly manicured nails. “I got promoted to management.” She grins with this news. Chloe works at a high-end retail store in our mall.

  “That’s awesome,” I say, digging into my sandwich. Lately, I’m hungry all the time. My dad says I’m trying to make up for all the weeks I barely ate. I nearly moan with how good it tastes.

  “Same old, same old over here,” Casey sighs. “My life is so uneventful.”

  “Ugh, I wish I could say the same,” Hannah groans, flipping her hair over her shoulder. “You know that hot neighbor I told you about?”

  “Yes,” we all chime.

  She makes a face. “So, um, one morning I went over to tell him exactly what I thought about his parties, and … and … I mean, he’s so hot. So hot, you guys. And … I fucked him,” she cries. “I’m talking, against the wall, hair pulling, slam-me-down-on-the-bed-and-ride-me-hard, kind of fucked him.” We all sit open-mouthed staring at her. Sweet little Hannah whom I’ve never even heard use the word fucked before. “Stop looking at me like that,” she mumbles, squirming in her seat.

  We’re all too stunned to say anything. Chloe recovers first.

  “So, you mean to tell me, that shy, quiet, little you banged the bad boy neighbor?”

  “Yes,” Hannah squeaks.

  Chloe dives over to hug Hannah. “My baby’s growing up,” she jokes.

  “Let me go.” Hannah pushes her away. “You’re embarrassing me.”

  “I can’t help it,” Chloe says. “I’m just so proud of you.”

  “So, is this going to be a regular occurrence?” I ask her.

  Her cheeks color. “I don’t know. I kind of liked it, though, but I don’t know if that’s just because he’s good in bed or it made me feel good to be so bold.” She shrugs.

  “I’m betting both.” Casey points her finger at Hannah.

  Hannah makes a face. “Regardless, I doubt it’ll happen again.”

  “Why not?” I ask.

  “Cyrus seems like the kind of guy to only have one-night stands,” she reasons. “We’ll see.” She turns her attention to her B.L.T., signaling that she’s done talking about this.

  “I’m moving,” I announce, further changing th
e subject.

  “Wait, what?” Casey asks, a piece of lettuce stuck to her lip. “When did you decide this?”

  “A few days ago.” I shrug.

  “You’re moving and you haven’t even seen my new place.” Hannah gives me a look.

  “I know, I’m so sorry. I’ve been … Well, you know how I’ve been.” I give her a sympathetic smile. “How about I come over Friday evening? We could all have a girls’ night if that’s okay with you?”

  Hannah nods and bites into a fry. “Yeah, that’s fine with me.”

  “I’m in.” Chloe raises her hand.

  “Me too,” Casey chimes.

  “Good.” I nod. “It’ll be fun to all hang out somewhere besides here.” I laugh, looking around at the café.

  “There’s actually an upper-level apartment available in my building,” Hannah says. “I’m pretty sure it’s the whole top floor so it’s bigger than mine. You’d probably have a separate room for you and the baby.”

  “Oh, really?” My eyes light. “That might be perfect. I don’t know about walking all the way to a top floor, but you do what you have to do, I guess.”

  “It’s a small building so it’s the third floor that’s available.”

  “That’s not too bad.” I shrug and take a bite of my sandwich. “So far I haven’t found much of anything. It’s either too expensive or too small.” I sigh.

  “When’s your house going up for sale?” Casey asks.

  I wince. This news still bothers me. I know it was my idea, and it’s truly what’s best, but it’s hard to let go.

  “Probably Thursday or Friday. The realtor was talking about doing an open house this weekend. She’s already come by and taken photos.”

  Things are moving fast, too fast, but I knew it had to be that way. The sooner I could sell the house, the better. But that didn’t make it any easier to accept.

  “Wow,” Casey says, looking at me with worry. “I’m sorry, Blaire.”

  I know what she’s thinking. Poor Blaire. First she loses Ben and then she loses her house. What’s next?

  My hand falls protectively to the swell of my stomach.

  “It’s okay,” I say. “I’m okay,” I add, and for the first time in nearly seven months, I’m not lying.

  I leave Group Friday evening and head straight to Hannah’s apartment. It’s in the center of Old Town as it’s affectionately called. Old Town is filled with older buildings dating back to the town’s founding. Most have been renovated, but they managed to keep the vintage style of the buildings by keeping the exteriors true to their original charm.

  I park on the side street and head to the front and inside. There’s no buzzer or anything like that. I know Hannah is on the second floor, and if I remember correctly, she said she was the first door on the left.

  I knock and wait patiently for her to open the door. The hallway is dark with only one lone light. There are doors for two apartments on the other side of the hall and the one beside Hannah’s that belongs to Cyrus.

  I look around and find that the floors are surprisingly clean and the walls look freshly painted.

  The door in front of me swings open and Hannah stands there in a pair of cotton shorts and a tank top damp with sweat. Her strawberry blond hair is pulled back in a messy ponytail and she looks ready to pass out.

  “Um,” I hesitate. “Should I come back? Is Cyrus here?” I whisper-hiss the last part.

  Her brows furrow in confusion and then her eyes light in understand. “Oh, God no, my air conditioner broke.” She waves me inside. “And of course it’s hot as hell today.” She fans herself with her shirt, and I get an eyeful of her lacy pale pink bra.

  “Casey and Chloe aren’t here yet?” I ask unnecessarily. The place is small enough that I can see everything from where I stand. It’s cute, though. The wall with windows is exposed brick and the rest of the walls are white. Her couch is a light gray color and mismatched rugs add color to the wood floors. The kitchen is barely big enough for one person but it’s clean with new black cabinets and shiny white countertops. It’s a studio apartment so her bedroom can be seen from here. Her headboard is a tufted gray fabric that matches the couch and her bedding is white. It’s currently rumpled—but as much as I’d like to think it’s because Cyrus was here I know Hannah hates making her bed.

  “Casey says she’s running late from work and Chloe’s picking up the Chinese. Do you want anything to drink?” Hannah asks, opening the refrigerator door.

  “Water.” I kick off my shoes and sit down on the couch. The TV is on and I laugh. “Family Feud?”

  “Diss it all you want, but I love that show.”

  She sits down and hands me a glass of ice water. It’s already dripping condensation onto my lap. “You weren’t kidding,” I say. “It’s hot in here.”

  The breeze from the open window is doing little to help with the heat and she only has one fan blowing.

  “My brother said he’d bring another fan over for me, but the loser probably forgot. I better go text him,” she mumbles the last to herself.

  While she does that, I sip the water. It doesn’t do much to help cool me down though. Hannah returns and sits cross-legged on the couch. “So, what’s new with you?” She asks.

  “The FOR SALE sign went up in my yard today.” I sigh. “So many changes.”

  She frowns. “I’m really sorry, Blaire, and I know that’s the last thing you want to hear, but I am. It’s unfair that you have to shoulder so much right now. This should be the happiest time of your life.”

  I look away. I refuse to cry or feel sad tonight. I want to have fun with my friends like we used to. “It’s for the best,” I say, and it’s true. “This place is really nice,” I tell her. “Are you liking it?”

  “Oh yeah. That upstairs apartment is still for sale,” she says with a coaxing tone.

  I make a face. “I’m not sure … I’m going to have a newborn in a few months.”

  “I understand,” she agrees. “But I’ll be here, so I could help out.”

  My lips twist. “Good point.”

  “Come on.” She grabs my hand and tugs me towards the door. “Justin—he owns the building—should be downstairs.” I let her take me downstairs where she knocks on a door. It opens up a minute later to reveal a younger-looking guy—probably in his early forties when I was expecting someone much older—sitting at a desk in a closet-sized room. “Hey, Justin,” Hannah greets him. “Blaire here is looking for a new place. Would you mind showing her the upstairs apartment?”

  “Sure.” He stands and grabs a ring of keys off a hook. “Hi, nice to meet you Blaire, I’m Justin.” He holds his hand out to me.

  I shake it. “Hello.”

  “The upstairs apartment is a little pricier than the others, but it has two separate bedrooms, one full bath, and a half-bath.”

  “Sounds like it’s exactly what I need.” I try to sound cheery, but I’m anything but. My stomach is knotted into a tight ball. This … this feels too real. I take a deep breath and remind myself that it has to be done. Justin leads us upstairs to the third floor. “You seem a little young to own a building,” I comment, then cringe. “Sorry,” I say quickly. “I didn’t mean to sound rude.”

  He chuckles and opens the door. “It’s okay. I inherited the building from my Uncle; he didn’t have any kids and when he passed he left it to me. I’ve been fixing up the empty units.” He shrugs.

  “Oh, cool,” I say.

  Hannah and I step inside. The apartment is much larger than hers, probably double the size. Like her apartment, there’s an exposed brick wall, but this one extends into the kitchen. The kitchen is L-shaped with an island that sits against the wall on one side with a butcher-block countertop. The other countertops are the same white stone as Hannah’s with black cabinets. There’s a sink in front of a window that overlooks an old-fashioned bank.

  I step into the empty living area. It’s large enough for my sectional, a few bookshelves, and the TV. The space i
s also large enough that I could add a small table for a dining area other than the island. When I move over toward the half-bath—also newly redone with shiny white tile—there’s a nook that would be perfect for my desk.

  Hannah trails behind me as I enter the first room. It’s small, but cute, perfect for my baby girl. I can see it now. Cream walls, pale- pink curtains, and the paper crane mobile above an antique-style crib. Tears swim in my eyes.

  “It feels like home,” I confess, turning to Hannah. “This … It feels right.”

  I take a deep breath and warmth floods my belly. I feel like that warmth is Ben telling me it’s okay, that this is what I need to do. I have to let him go.

  Letting go is never an easy thing, but I’ve taken the necessary steps to do it, and now it’s time to commit.

  I know I don’t need to see the rest of the apartment to know I want this place, but I look anyway and it only cements my decision.

  As Justin locks up I say, “I’ll take it.”

  His eyes widen in surprise and he smiles. “Really?”

  “Yeah.” I nod, resolute. “It’s perfect.”

  Hannah claps her hands together giddily and throws her arms around my neck. “We’ll practically be roommates.” She laughs as she pulls away.

  “Great,” Justin says as we start down the stairs. “I’ll get started on the paperwork. Are you okay with a three-month deposit?”

  “That’s fine.”

  When we reach the second level, Casey and Chloe are waiting outside the door.

  “There you are,” Chloe groans. “We’ve been banging on the door for an hour.”

  “It has not been an hour.” Hannah moves past me to unlock the door while Justin heads back to the office.

  “Who’s that?” Casey asks, watching Justin go downstairs.

  “Yeah,” Chloe chimes in. “Who is he? And why were you both up there? Was there some kind of weird threesome going down?”

  Hannah pales, and I burst out laughing. “God, no,” Hannah cries. “He’s my landlord. He was showing Blaire the apartment upstairs. Remember me talking about that?”

  “I like my theory better.” Chloe shrugs as we all file into Hannah’s apartment. “It’s more interesting.”