Bring Me Back

by Micalea Smeltzer

  “Hi!” I say much more cheerily than normal for me. I stand up to hug her. “I’m so happy you’re here.”

  She hugs me back and sits down in the chair to my left. “I wasn’t sure I was going to come. I told Ryder I would, but then I woke up and didn’t feel like it, so that’s why I’m so late. I didn’t decide until an hour ago that I was actually going to come.”

  “Don’t feel bad,” my mom says. “We were late because of this one.” She points at me.

  “This is my mom,” I tell Ivy. “Mom, this is Ivy. From Group.”

  “Nice to meet you,” my mom says with a smile. “I’m Maureen. I’ll leave you two to talk. I need to go find your dad. The man’s probably stopped up the toilet or something.” She laughs.

  “Mom,” I scold, laughing too.

  “It’s the truth,” she sighs and stands. “Seriously, where is that man?” she mutters to herself as she leaves.

  “So what’s new with you?” Ivy asks.

  I rub my stomach. “This little lady is giving me hell.” I sigh. “I think she’s preparing me for the sleepless nights because she’s wide awake all night rolling around in there. Other than that, I’m moving.”

  Her eyes widen in surprise. “You’re moving?”

  I nod. “Yeah, it’s for the best. I mean, I’m not thrilled, but I know this is what I need to do.”

  Ivy shakes her head. “I wish I was that spunky. I’d probably be better off if I moved. There are too many reminders of my husband at my house.”

  “I know what you mean.” I sigh, lovingly stroking my stomach when my daughter gives a kick. “I still haven’t gotten rid of any of Ben’s things. His clothes are still in the closet, but I keep telling myself that when I move I have to get rid of them.”

  “It’s hard,” she agrees. “Moving on … It takes guts.”

  “Yeah, I agree.”

  I fear that I’m not moving on. I’m scared I’m running away from my problems out of desperation. Who knows? I still feel so lost. Sometimes I’m worried I’ll never find my way.

  “I’ll be right back,” she says. “I’m going to get something to eat.”

  I nod as she leaves and my attention is drawn to Cole. He’s now running through a sprinkler, his laughter echoing through the yard. He’s happy, not a care in the world. He’s too young to truly understand that his mommy isn’t around. I don’t know how you explain to a child that their mom or dad is gone. How can you show them that the person loved them as much as you do when they’re not here? It’s one of my biggest fears with my daughter.

  I quickly dismiss those thoughts from my mind. I came here to have fun and that’s what I’m going to do.

  I finish eating as Ivy returns and we chat about the baby and my move. I talk about how I plan to decorate the nursery and already I can feel myself getting back into a better headspace.

  Soon, music begins to play and people dance. Cole jumps around, doing his own interpretation of dancing, and it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. He jumps and flails his arms, even wagging his tongue. Ryder scoops him up and the little boy cackles in happiness. I’m surprised when Ryder comes over to me.

  “Dance with us?” He holds out his hand, urging me up.

  “I don’t know,” I hedge, shaking my head.

  “Come on,” he coaxes. “You don’t want to make us sad, right, Cole?”

  The little boy nods and pouts his bottom lip. Ryder laughs at him and then does the same, curling his bottom lip under.

  “Well—” my lips quirk “—I can’t refuse those faces, can I?” I stand and take Ryder’s hand.

  The three of us make our way over to where everyone else is dancing. Ryder spins me around and I laugh.

  I let my fear and worries fade away and I’m simply Blaire—spending the Fourth with the guy she likes, friends, and family.

  Ryder pulls me against his chest, and of course, my belly gets in the way. He laughs and looks down, bouncing Cole in his other arm. “It’s like there’s a person between us.” He winks.

  I laugh at his corniness. “Something like that.”

  We sway to the music awkwardly—thanks to my stomach and Cole. I don’t mind, though, it feels right.

  Ryder lowers his head and presses his forehead to mine. “I want to go on a date with you so bad.” There’s so much longing in his voice. “I know you’re not ready, but I’m putting that out there.” His lips brush my forehead before he pulls back.

  I adjust my arms around his neck and purse my lips. “A date might not be so bad,” I whisper.

  His eyes widen in surprise. “Really?”

  I shrug. “I’d … I’d like to get to know you better. Just something casual—no fancy dinners, please. That’s not my thing.”

  His lips crook up in a lopsided smile. “Next Saturday good for you?”

  I nod. “Yeah.”

  His smile widens further. “Thank you,” he says.

  I laugh. “Don’t thank me yet. I still might run away,” I joke. “But I’m trying. I like you.” I swallow thickly and gaze up at him. I’ve gotten to know Ryder a lot over the last few months, and he’s honestly one of the nicest guys I’ve ever known. And I know my mom’s right when she says Ben would want me to move on—he’d want me to do whatever made me happy. But trusting my heart—especially one that’s been so broken is no easy feat.

  Ryder brushes his nose against mine. “If you run, I’ll run too, this time. Not away, but I’ll be right there beside you. You’re not alone, Blaire. You have so many people that love and care about you.”

  I hold on tighter to his shoulders. “I know.”

  That’s what scares me most.

  I’m going on a date with Ryder.

  I believe if I keep repeating the words to myself I’ll somehow become desensitized to them. So far, my theory isn’t working. Ryder is the first man, besides Ben, that I’ve gone on a date with in years. Seven, almost eight, if I remember correctly. That’s insane to me. I’ve been out of the game for nearly a decade.

  I take extra time curling my hair and putting on my makeup. It’s not really for Ryder’s benefit—okay, maybe a little bit—but it’s the only thing I’ve found to completely silence my mind. It’s a bit impossible to think about anything but lining your lips when you’re yielding a lip pencil and your mouth is gaping like a fish.

  Ryder didn’t give me much information on what we were doing, except to say that we’d be outside most of the day. That could mean a million different things and I had no idea what to prepare for. A large part of me wanted to freak out and completely overthink things, but I was trying to go with the flow.

  I finished my makeup, fluffed my curled hair, and headed into my closet.

  I didn’t look at Ben’s side. I never did. I couldn’t bring myself to notice his shirts and jeans stacked neatly on shelves and his shoes scattered on the floor. It especially seemed wrong that they were still there on a day like today when I was going on a date with another man. I felt like I was cheating in a way. Logically, I knew that wasn’t the case, but it didn’t stop me from feeling that way.

  I scanned my closet for something to wear. I felt like a whale so everything my fingers touched I immediately vetoed. I stood with my hands on my hips, frowning at my wardrobe.

  What to wear? What to wear?

  I figured a dress was a safe bet so I’d narrowed it down that much. But I wasn’t in the mood to wear something floral, white seemed … wrong, and stripes would only add to the whale affect. I end up settling on a long black dress with thicker tank top straps. I add some jewelry to dress it up a bit and a hat.

  I check my phone for the time and then begin to panic. Ryder will be here any minute.

  It’s not that I don’t want to go on a date with him—I do, but it’s a big step for me among a bunch of other big steps I’ve been taking lately. I’m worried it might be too much, but I keep pushing forward.

  I don’t linger upstairs any longer. My parents are conveniently gone—thanks t
o the movie tickets I got them—so I don’t have to worry about them making me feel uncomfortable about the situation. Not that they would purposely, but since I’m already nervous it wouldn’t take much to completely set me off.

  I busy myself by wiping the counters clean. It looks like my dad ate a cookie or something and crumbled it everywhere.

  Men.

  The doorbell rings a few minutes later.

  My heart promptly stops and restarts five times faster.

  I pause and take a deep breath before heading for the door. I open it to find Ryder standing there with a cluster of white tulips.

  “Oh, they’re beautiful,” I say, taking them from him. “Thank you.”

  “I wasn’t sure what your favorite flower was.” He shrugs shyly.

  “These are perfect.” I smile at him. “Would you like to come in?” I ask, motioning over my shoulder. “I need to put these in water before we leave.”

  “Yeah, sure.” He clears his throat and steps inside. I close the door behind him. I can tell from the tightness in his shoulders that he’s as nervous about today as I am, which instantly makes me feel better. I like knowing that I’m not alone in my worries.

  I head into the kitchen, and he follows, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his shorts. I set the bouquet down on the counter and stretch up on my tiptoes to grab a clear vase from the cabinet.

  “This is a nice place,” Ryder comments, looking around.

  “Thanks,” I say, filling the vase with water. “I’m moving, though.”

  His eyes widen. “Why?” He winces. “You don’t have to answer that. I didn’t mean to sound like I was prying.”

  I laugh and empty the packet of stuff that came with the flowers into the water. “It’s okay. I can’t afford this place on my own, and frankly it’s too big. It … it doesn’t feel like home anymore,” I confess. I haven’t said those words out loud before now, but it’s something I’ve been thinking for a while.

  Ryder crosses his arms over his chest and leans his hip against the counter. “I’ve been meaning to move for a while too. I’m usually so busy with work and Cole that I’m too exhausted to bother.” He chuckles.

  “Maybe you should move before school starts back up?” I suggest.

  “Doesn’t leave me much time, but maybe,” he muses.

  I put the flowers in the vase and move them around a bit so they’re not so squished together. I carry the vase over to the table and set them in the center.

  “Thanks,” I say again. “They really are pretty.”

  He grins and steps a little closer to me. “For future reference, what is your favorite flower?”

  “Sunflowers,” I answer with a smile. “They make me happy.”

  “Sunflowers,” he repeats. “I’ll remember that.”

  “Tulips are beautiful too, though,” I add, not wanting to hurt his feelings.

  He chuckles. “Shall we get going then?”

  “Oh, yeah.” I jump away from the table and grab my purse.

  Outside, I lock up while Ryder goes to his car and holds the door open for me.

  As I slide into the car, he says, “A gentleman should hold every door open on a date,” and winks before the door closes.

  “Where are we headed?” I ask as he backs out of the driveway.

  His lips quirk into a smile. “A park.”

  “Is that all I get?” I ask. I can’t really base his agenda off of an answer as ambiguous as a park.

  “Yep.” He nods. “I have a few quick stops to make first,” he tells me. “So sit back and enjoy the ride.”

  I laugh and look out the window at the passing scenery. I’ve always found my hometown to be quite pretty with the many green trees and blue shadow of the mountains in the distance. Ben and I talked about moving away once. Maybe to Colorado, but this place will always be home and I’m glad we stayed. Especially now. I can’t imagine losing him and being away from my friends and family. I don’t think I would’ve made it.

  After about twenty minutes, Ryder pulls into a convenience store lot. “I’ll be right back,” he says, undoing his seatbelt.

  “You mean I can’t come in?” I joke.

  “No.” He shakes his head. “Super-secret plans are about to go down, and I can’t have you witnessing anything.”

  I watch curiously as he leaves and goes inside the building. Shelves block me from seeing anything so I end up watching people in the parking lot. It’s far more entertaining.

  Ryder comes back a few minutes later and puts the bag in the trunk.

  “Why do I have a feeling there aren’t any gummy worms in there?” I laugh as he gets in the car.

  He taps his finger against the steering wheel. “There might be something kinda like that in there.”

  He pulls out of the lot and drives out of town.

  There’s a park close to us but he’s clearly not going to that one, which only adds to my bafflement.

  “So,” Ryder says as he drives, “tell me something about you I don’t know.”

  “Um …” My lips twist in thought. “I was a bit of a nerd in high school.”

  He glances at me. “I figured you were a cheerleader or something.”

  I laugh. “Yeah, that’d be a definite no. I was a major dork and super clumsy. What about you? What were you like in high school?”

  “Band geek.” He chuckles.

  I smile at this bit of information. “What did you play?”

  “Saxophone.”

  “What’s your favorite food?” I ask, loosening up. I’ve gotten to know Ryder pretty well over the last few months but not specific details like this.

  “Hmm,” he thinks. “Probably these chicken dumpling things my mom makes. What about you?”

  “Pasta, and now I’m hungry.” I laugh.

  He smiles over at me and his brown eyes are light with happiness. “It’s a good thing I plan to feed you then.” He adjusts the volume on the radio and it prompts him to ask the question, “What kind of music do you like?”

  I cringe. “I’m a pop music kind of girl,” I admit.

  He pretends to wince and presses a hand to his heart. “You wound my poor rock ‘n roll heart.”

  I laugh. “Sorry.”

  “It’s okay. I forgive you for your horrendous taste in music.” Before I can ask him another question, he says, “We’re here.”

  I’d been so busy talking to him that I hadn’t even noticed where we were going. He’s turned onto a dirt road that I know leads down to a trail that ends up at the river.

  He parks by a few other cars and hops out. I follow him to the trunk. There’s a cooler and the bag from the convenience store. I peer closer at it.

  “Are those live worms?” I gag and scuttle a few feet back like the worms are going to grow wings and fly at my face.

  He laughs at my reaction. “Yeah,” he answers. “I’m sorry they’re not gummy.”

  “Why do you have worms?” I nearly shriek at him.

  “To go fishing, of course.” He grabs the cooler and bag, then goes around to the back passenger side to grab two fishing pools that were lying on the floor of the car.

  “Here, let me get that,” I say, reaching for the cooler. There’s no way in hell I’m holding the bag with the worms.

  “I got it,” he says, side-stepping me.

  “You’re going to drop something,” I warn him as we head down the path.

  “You better hope I don’t or worms might end up all over your feet.”

  I look down at my open-toe wedges and gag. “I think I might throw up if that happens.”

  It doesn’t take us long to get to the shore. The water is a little choppy, but there are people in it kayaking. We walk aways down and Ryder sets everything down. There’s not a picnic table or anything like that so we sit on the ground.

  “I should’ve brought a blanket.” He frowns. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay. I like this.”

  I’m not just saying that, I really
do. This is so much better than anything I could’ve imagined.

  Ryder smiles sheepishly and opens the cooler. “I got subs on my way to your house and chips. It seemed fitting for this kind of setting.” He shrugs. “I also brought water and iced tea. Which do you want?”

  “Water,” I say and take a bottle from him when he holds it out. He hands me one of the wrapped subs from a local place and a bag of chips. I unwrap the sandwich and wait for Ryder to do the same before taking a bite. “I didn’t realize how hungry I was,” I tell him.

  “Me either,” he agrees.

  “Is Cole with your parents this weekend?” I ask.

  He nods. “Yeah, it wasn’t their weekend to do it but I asked if they’d mind. They were cool with it, of course. They’ve told me they’d like to do it more often but usually weekends are the only times I can do something fun with him.”

  “Maybe next time Cole can come with us? We could go to the movies or something?”

  His eyes shine as he grins. “Already planning on a next time then?” I duck my head, embarrassed. His fingers touch my chin, lifting my head up. “I like that you’re already thinking ahead.” His voice grows deep. Husky. “Why are you embarrassed?” he asks and lets go

  I want to look away but it’s impossible. “This is all so new and different,” I say.

  “Yeah, I know what you mean,” he agrees. “But new and different isn’t always a bad thing.”

  “No, it’s not.” I smile up at him. “I like being with you,” I tell him. It’s a bold statement for me but I don’t cower. I want him to know I mean it.

  His smile is so large and bright it rivals the sun. In fact, I think he might be the sun. My own personal sun, that is. He came into my life when I was in the darkest of places and immediately filled it with light. He hasn’t healed me, but he’s given me the strength to do it on my own.

  “I like being with you too, Blaire.” He tilts his head towards the sun. “I feel like I’m living again,” he whispers so low I’m not sure I heard him right.

  We finish eating and stuff our trash back in the cooler.

  Ryder then picks up the two poles and the bag of worms and we head closer to the shore. I kick off my shoes and chide myself for wearing a long dress. The end of it will have to get wet.