by Sarah Bowen
Time alone can be rejuvenating or refreshing, but too much isolation can be clinically bad for our health. According to the American Psychological Association, loneliness and social isolation may “represent a greater public health hazard than obesity. Being connected to others socially is widely considered a fundamental human need—crucial to both wellbeing and survival.” Emma Seppälä, science director of the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University School of Medicine (wow, now that’s a title) concurs. In her book, The Happiness Track, she notes that one in four Americans say they have no one to talk to about a personal problem. “Loneliness and lack of social connection has been linked to anxiety, depression, slower recovery from disease. It’s been linked to premature death, and it’s linked to suicide.”
Personal contact helps us stay healthy and emotionally balanced. Two overlooked—but incredibly important—parts of feeling connected are our eyes and smiles. Research indicates that eye contact is a critical part of conversations, helping synchronize activity in certain parts of our brains to each other. What’s more, we’re likely to better remember people that we have eye contact with.
Similarly, when isolating, we miss the power packed into our smiles. Studies have noted that smiling can relieve stress, increase empathy, and improve relationships. It can enhance not only your mood but also the moods of those around you. When we see someone smile, mirror neurons for smiling are activated in our own neural networks, and we experience the feeling of a smile ourselves.
When we are all walking around plugged in—connected but not connected—not hearing except from our headphones, not seeing because our eyes are on our screens, we miss these opportunities to relate through our eyes and our smiles. We are losing the ability to tap into our transcendent connectedness. Spiritual author Eknath Easwaran, in his book Words to Live By, describes what can happen when we do connect: “When you discover that everyone is contained in you and you are contained in everyone, you have realized the unity of life, which is the divine ground of existence. Then, you are not just a person; you have become a beneficial force. Wherever you go, wherever you live, those around you will benefit from your life.”
This kind of connectedness may sound unfamiliar to our ears. Ever since the founding of this country, our revolutionary culture has focused on the rights of the individual. Individuality has dominated over community, as we each relentlessly pursue the so-called American Dream. We’ve sorted ourselves into groups, not with a magical Sorting Hat, but instead, based on our politics, religious beliefs, and ideologies, operating in a binary world of opposites. Yet some voices encourage us to believe that peace still has a chance.
WEEK 1: GIVE PEACE A CHANCE
Vietnamese Buddhist monk and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh (aka Thay) is a superhero in the world of peace advocacy. Spreading the message of peace and brotherhood since the 1960s, he was a formidable force in lobbying Western leaders to end the Vietnam War, and led the Buddhist delegation to the Paris Peace Talks in 1969. With over 100 books, an extensive speaking schedule, and community seeding, he’s spread mindfulness, meditation, and Engaged Buddhism throughout the Western world.
It’s through his work that many spiritual seekers are introduced to the concept of sangha. Originally the word for a Buddhist community, sangha is now often used as a generic term. In an article for Tricycle magazine, titled “The Fertile Soil of Sangha,” Thay suggests why the sangha is vital for individuals: “With the support of friends in the practice, peace has a chance…. Your sangha—family, friends, and copractitioners—is the soil, and you are the seed. No matter how vigorous the seed is, if the soil does not provide nourishment, your seed will die. A good sangha is crucial for the practice. Please find a good sangha or help create one.”
Today let’s try connecting to the greater human sangha.
HOW IT WORKS
1. Silence your phone, computer, or anything around you that might ring, ding, or vibrate.
2. Breathe gently to get focused.
3. Repeat these words from Thich Nhat Hanh’s Smiling Meditation with your breaths:
• Breathing in, I calm my body.
• Breathing out, I smile.
4. Throughout the day, reach out with your eyes. Start with people you know. Connect through your eyes before using any words, even “Hi.” See what happens when you smile before you start speaking. Take time to truly see the people around you.
5. Extend to strangers. As you pass people you don’t know, make eye contact. Then flash them a quick smile. Consider everyone as part of one human sangha. (Exercise basic safety, of course.)
6. Notice the reactions of people and how you feel.
7. Scribble your reflections.
REBELLIOUS VARIATIONS
Namast’ay connected: Namaste is a Sanskrit greeting in India, Nepal, and yoga/meditation centers worldwide. When used in a spiritual sense, it’s commonly translated as “I bow to the divine in you.” It is an acknowledgment that the light in me greets the light in you, that we have divine sameness and connection. Try silently saying “Namaste” as you meet the gaze of others.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall: Gaze into a mirror, meeting your reflection. Take a few full breaths. Silently urge your mind to let go of any expectations about the practice. Continue to breathe slowly, observing what passes through your mind. Notice how the other parts of your body feel as you connect visually to yourself. Continue for at least five minutes or longer, like until you get kicked out of the bathroom by your urgent-minded roommate or family member.
Become a soul gazer: Find a close friend who is willing to try something potentially awkward with you. Yeah, that friend. Set your phone timer for 10 minutes. Sit facing each other with your knees just barely touching. Gaze lightly into each other’s eyes, inhaling and exhaling through your nose. Try to keep your eyes on your partner, breathing through any awkwardness. Remember, it’s an experiment. See what happens. You might expand your capacity for intimacy or burst out into joyous laughter (and perhaps do both simultaneously).
Puppy-dog eyes: When your dog is calm and blissed-out, try gazing into its eyes. Takefumi Kikusui (an animal behaviorist at Azabu University in Japan) examined the impact of eye contact in dogs and their human companions. He found that with sustained gazing, oxytocin levels increased in both the dog and the human. “Oxytocin is a hormone associated with trust and maternal bonding. It increases when you’re close to someone you love and gives you that warm fuzzy feeling.” Ah, puppy love, indeed. (Cat lovers, stick to stroking your cat. Some cats can find staring a challenge. But stroking at an optimal rate of 40 strokes per minute may increase both your and Fluffy’s oxytocin as well.)
Run, forest, run: Hands down, my favorite animal to gaze at is a forest squirrel. Squirrels are remarkably attuned to human actions, so it’s best to stand still and gaze at the squirrel just past its body. Often, it will take the same pose, silently starring back. Notice how it feels to connect in stillness with a different species.
DISCOVER DEEPLY
• Watch Human by Yann Arthus-Bertrand.
• Try a Laughter Yoga class to experience gazing and smiling on metaphorical steroids (laughteryoga.org).
• Read Good Citizens: Creating Enlightened Society by Thich Nhat Hanh.
• Read Mirroring People: The Science of Empathy and How We Connect with Others by Marco Iacoboni.
NOTES
* According to the Pottermore quiz: “Gryffindor is the house which most values the virtues of courage, bravery, and determination…Hufflepuffs value hard work, patience, loyalty, and fair play…Ravenclaws prize wit, learning, and wisdom…Slytherin produces more than its share of Dark wizards, but also turns out leaders who are proud, ambitious, and cunning.”
WEEK 2:
Deepening
If we attempt to act and do things
for others and for the world
without deepening our own self-understanding,
our freedom, in
tegrity, and capacity to love,
we will not have anything to give others.
THOMAS MERTON
* * *
As a book addict, my go-to path is books whenever I’m looking to expand my knowledge. Sometimes I head for a sacred text like the Bhagavad Gita, the Dhammapada, or the Gospel of Thomas. Other times, I reexamine a quintessential childhood canon: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Hobbit, or A Wrinkle in Time. I’m as likely to find wisdom from Aslan or Gandalf as I am from the Buddha, Krishna, or Jesus. And, when it comes to the topic of deepening, I can think of no better character to consider than Sporos, who I met in the pages of Madeleine L’Engle’s follow-up to A Wrinkle in Time, titled A Wind in the Door. In the story, young Meg Murry sets out to overcome cosmic evil (the Echthroi) and save her brother Charles Wallace from his illness. Remember last Wednesday, when we considered our bodies as entire worlds, with 10,000 different species of microorganisms calling each of us home? Well, that’s what’s happening in A Wind in the Door. Little Charles Wallace’s inner mitochondria are ailing, and the whole universe inside his body is at risk. Enter Sporos, a farandola located in the mitochondria of one of Charles’ cells.
For Charles Wallace to live, his farandolae must “deepen.” They must push through their fright of the unknown with courage to become part of a greater purpose than each one’s individuality. When doing so, though, each loses the ability to move and dance on its own.
In his starring scene, Sporos must fight the urge to remain in his own self-absorbed role and consider the needs of the interconnected galactic world he lives in. An ally pleads, “You are created matter, Sporos. You are part of the great plan, an indispensable part. You are needed, Sporos; you have your own unique share in the freedom of creation.”
Sporos must deepen.
Through this tiny character, L’Engle seeks to teach us that both the microcosm and macrocosm are part of the interdependence of everything in the Cosmos. That the small matters as much as the large. That our actions matter, because they affect others—even the others we can’t see.
Amusingly, L’Engle loves sprinkling Hebrew and Greek words into her books. Profound buried meanings lie under the fantastical names of places and characters. Sporos is one of those words; in Greek (σπόρος), it means a seed. So let’s approach Week 2 with a cosmic gardener’s mind, planting seeds to nurture our understanding of the connectedness of life.
Like Sporos, we need to deepen.
Mindful Monday
* * *
WEEK 2: WITH A REBEL YAWN
If you’re anything like me, somewhere during the day, you might yawn—especially on a Monday after a big weekend. But what exactly is yawning? And how can it help us in our search for spiritual moments? Let’s ease into Week 2 with a quick exploration.
Yawning is still a bit of a puzzle. Theories abound on why we do it, from being tired or bored to lack of oxygen or to lower the temperature of the brain. Sometimes it signals a change in physiological states—from sleep to waking, boredom to alertness, waking to sleep, and so on. Instagram informed me a yawn was a silent scream for coffee.
Like conscious breathing, yawning can produce health benefits. Neuroscientists Dr. Andrew Newberg and Mark Waldman assert: “Yawning will physiologically relax you in less than a minute.” Here are “12 Essential Reasons to Yawn Each Day,” developed for their book, How God Changes Your Brain: Breakthrough Findings from a Leading Neuroscientist:
1. Stimulates alertness and concentration
2. Optimizes brain activity and metabolism
3. Improves cognitive function
4. Increases memory recall
5. Enhances consciousness and introspection
6. Lowers stress
7. Relaxes every part of your body
8. Improves voluntary muscle control
9. Enhances athletic skills
10. Fine-tunes your sense of time
11. Increases empathy and social awareness
12. Enhances pleasure and sensuality
Wow, and I was always taught not to yawn because it’s rude. (That’s because, historically, we’ve associated the action with boredom. Also, because we’re not so fond of looking inside people’s open mouths. Note to self: Always cover mouth when yawning.)
Even our pets benefit from yawning. Have you ever noticed your dog doing it after a particularly tough day or a visit to the V-E-T? Dogs often use a yawn to release stress, deal with nervousness, or get rid of pent-up energy. Similarly, my cat Buba-ji* does it after any exceptionally detailed self-grooming session. His tension released, he then drops into sound sleep.
Moving on to spiritual territory, recent neuroscience research presents some intriguing findings as well. It suggests that yawning creates a unique type of neural activity in the area of the human brain that plays a fundamental role in consciousness and self-reflection. What’s more, this activity is linked to generating social awareness and creating feelings of empathy. Try yawning in a crowded room. People who “yawn back” likely have a high level of empathy—or are silently screaming at you for coffee.
Let’s give it a try.
HOW IT WORKS
1. Find a private space. (This exercise could be a bit embarrassing in public unless you have strong self-confidence!)
2. Silence your phone, computer, or anything around you that might ring, ding, or vibrate.
3. Stand up. Stretch your arms straight up as high as you can, stretching the fingers wide, then release your arms down to your sides with an exhale.
4. Take a deep breath—a really full breath, stretching your mouth open like a yawn—and then exhale, sighing loudly.
5. Pause. Don’t skip this step. Passing out is not the goal of this exercise.
6. Repeat fake yawn-y breath. Alternate breaths 12 to 15 more times with a short pause in between. (Most likely, your fake yawns will turn into bona fide ones.)
7. Sink into 10 minutes of stillness, watching your breath—or using any of last week’s breathing variations that you liked.
8. Check out the variations below to infuse yawning into your day.
REBELLIOUS VARIATIONS
At work: Yawn when you find yourself in conflict with another person (covering your mouth, of course, and stepping into a private space first if the person is über-politically correct). Like your dog, you may find a release of the negative energy. Constantly bombarded? Change your desktop pic to someone yawning—seeing a pic (or even reading the word yawn) can trigger a releasing yawn.
When you’re pissed off: Nothing zaps spiritual energy like anger. Yawning is safer and way more cost-effective than tossing plates into a wall.
Before meditating: Use a yawn to kick-start your breathing or meditation session. If you’re in a group, consider sharing your tips (to help others and avoid any pesky judgment).
DISCOVER DEEPLY
• Read How Enlightenment Changes Your Brain: The New Science of Transformation by Dr. Andrew Newberg and Mark Robert Waldman.
• See spiritual practice brain scans and learn more about neurotheology at andrewnewberg.com.
• Read The Bonobo and the Atheist by Frans de Waal for more on yawn contagion and empathy.
• Read Meditations for Interspiritual Practice: A Collection of Practices from the World’s Spiritual Traditions edited by Netanel Miles-Yépez.
NOTES
* -ji is a suffix tacked onto the end of words as a sign of respect or reverence. Found in many of the languages of South East Asia, it can be added to names (such as Gandhi to Gandhiji) as well as objects of respect. For example, the river Ganges is often called Gangaji.
Talking Tuesday
* * *
WEEK 2: THE MIND IS LIKE TOFU. BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU MARINATE IT IN.
In my most desperate years, I acted as Mad Random DJ a couple nights each week. Not a talented DJ at a hot club. No, this was a private thing in a tiny New York City studio apartment, much to the dismay of my neighbors. Lacking coping skills for dealing wit
h anger, I relied on cheap Merlot and a 400-disc CD player to soothe my discomfort. Unfortunately, I had never labeled even one of the CDs in the player, so I had no idea which disc was in which slot. Nights would devolve into me dumping the player upside down, freeing the CDs into a mess on the floor, and rummaging through to find the desired disc. Once I’d found it, I’d feed it back into the player and commence singing loudly whatever maudlin lyrics fit the resentment festering inside me. (Jagged Little Pill flashback, anyone?)
The innovative and delightfully humorous Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi taught, “The mind is like tofu. By itself, it has no taste. Everything depends on the flavor of the marinade it steeps in.” Likewise, Thich Nhat Hanh recommends that we be mindful about everything we consume, including what we watch and listen to, only consuming what “can water the seed of understanding, compassion, joy, and happiness in us.”
When I played Mad Random DJ, I fed angst with musical anger, sadness with tearful melodies. I dug an emotional rut. Of course, the iPod made this chaotic night ritual obsolete. And soon the cheap Merlot was a thing of the past, as I learned how to manage life without relying on wine as a miraculous elixir. Yet through the years I’ve missed those loud, passionate, lyrical nights and the emotional release they provided.
That is, until I found kirtan* (pronounced KEER-tahn). Evolving from the Vedic traditions, kirtan is a call-and-response type of chanting. Usually done in groups, the performers and audience co-create a spiritual space, establishing wholeness from individual, disparate voices. Tactically, it means you sit on the floor and repeat each line the leader sings, as the musicians provide the melodious base. Yet it’s nothing like kindergarten music class.